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| Criticwatch 2009 (UPDATED June 10 – How Can Anything Be Funnier Than Pete Hammond?) |
by Erik Childress
When Criticwatch started up again for the new year in 2008, it was with the pleasant revelation that Pete Hammond would no longer be contributing reviews for Maxim magazine. It took less than two months for that dream to die and another four months after when we realized we weren’t sleeping and that the true nightmare of Ben Lyons taking over for Roger Ebert had come to fruition. Can Hammond reclaim the most quotes of the year from Peter Travers? Will the producers of At the Movies finally wise up to their dwindling ratings and find actual movie critics to breathe some life and intelligence into that show? Will studio marketers finally get the message and realize that these quote whores and sluts are not worth their time or money and are wasting ours? Get all the answers here in 2009.
Find out who are The Whores of the Year for 2008.
Become a friend of Criticwatch at Facebook.
Find Out What's The Ben Lyons Quote of the Week.
Read Criticwatch's War, Peace and Every Man In Between.
CRITICWATCH NOTES
June 10 – How Can Anything Be Funnier Than Pete Hammond?
Disney is sneaking the Sandra Bullock/Ryan Reynolds comedy, The Proposal, this Saturday night. That means you can see it a full six days before your friends. I’ll be at the CineVegas film festival through this weekend so I’ll have to catch up with it when I get back. Someone has seen it even earlier though. Oh yes, Pete Hammond has seen it. And on the TV ads seen on June 8 he has called it – wait for it -
“The year’s best comedy!”
You might have a fight on your hands with Mark S. Allen over that one, Pete. He said last week’s The Hangover was “One of the funniest movies ever made!” Guess it brought up pleasant memories of his DUI arrest in 2006. (Normally I don’t dig into the personal lives of these whores, but that’s a matter I take very seriously.) Back to Hammond though. Not the boldest statement this year since the list of superior comedies (or at least slash/comedies) includes the likes of Up, Away We Go, I Love You Man and Observe and Report. It’s not very funny out there. Hammond sure has been laughing though. He was quoted as calling Up “funny!” And who could argue, really? Well, maybe Hammond himself.
One comedy will have you begging for more! (Hotel for Dogs)
Hilarious! It’s a blast! The comic force is with Fanboys. (Fanboys)
Hilarious and heartwarming. Zac Efron shoots and scores! (17 Again)
Hilarious! Confessions is a nonstop laughing spree. (Confessions of a Shopaholic)
The year’s funniest comedy. Monstrous laughs! (Monsters vs. Aliens)
So for those keeping track on their FlickCharts, in Pete Hammond’s world The Proposal has just jumped over Monsters vs. Aliens as the best comedy of 2009. Having not seen the film yet, I can’t in good conscience argue. Maybe it is indeed. It would have to be one helluva funny movie though to make me laugh more than Up (which could get the best “family” or “animated” crown if you’re playing the genre game) or Away We Go (which could be classified as a “drama” or “dramedy”) Really though? Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds make a better comic team than Paul Rudd and Jason Segal? I’ll have to see it to believe it. Then again, with a list like that you can’t believe anything Hammond has to say anyway. Here's a proposal for Hammond - stop reviewing movies!
June 9 – New Whore Alert – Rick Florino!
Critics jokingly ask me all the time what they need to do to become a part of Criticwatch. How many quotes does it take? The answer is very simple: Three. Actually that’s just an arbitrary number I came up with on the spot, but I bet if you search over time it’s usually three quotes that will catch our attention. Get that trifecta in a calendar year, particularly on really bad movies nobody else are lauding and from an outlet nobody seems to have heard of and you can almost guarantee you’ll be singled out for a little scorn.
This week’s trifecta winner is Rick Florino, listed on two of his quotes from ArtistDirect.com and a third for LAX Magazine. He jumped out at us this week as a part of the Sunday ads for Eddie Murphy’s new family comedy, Imagine That, which he calls:
“Hilarious. The best way to kick off the summer! Fun for the whole family.”
Not sure which kick off he’s referring to. If he’s talking about the summer movie season he’s six weeks late. If he’s talking about the actual seasonal change, there’s still at least one more movie weekend to go after this one. We will assume the latter though since he was there at the start of the summer movie season when he called X-Men Origins: Wolverine “the best X-Men yet.” I thought Florino’s name sounded familiar and sure enough he was the guy we named in the column earlier this year as the fortunate individual who has somehow avoided every horror movie that’s opened since 1973. What else are we to deduce when he said The Haunting In Connecticut is “the scariest movie since The Exorcist!”
Florino’s name may not be so familiar to others though. Doing a search for his name finds it associated more with music than movies. In fact the first movie review that comes up is one for Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes To Jail – which he also liked. Doing a search for his name at ArtistDirect proves to be a no-show and he’s not a part of Rotten Tomatoes either. We did find his X-Men review. It’s certainly positive but nowhere in it does he call it “the best X-Men yet.” His Haunting In Connecticut review is also nowhere to be found, but you can find two interviews of us with Kyle Gallner and Elias Koteas, neither of which contains the proclamation that the film is the scariest since The Exorcist. That means ol’ Ricky either tossed those quotes to the reps on the junkets or they were written for him and he gladly attached his name to them. Congratulations, Rick, you might be the scariest whore since the introduction of Manny “The Movie Guy” De La Rosa.
May 30 – Jeffrey Lyons Fired!
While I certainly delighted in the brief termination of Pete Hammond from Maxim last year, I’m always hesitant to trounce on the firing of anyone (wait for it) in these economic times. I also probably shouldn’t express any happiness in any critic being let go, especially one from television as it certainly decreases the hope that a smart, educated (or dare I say, fun) film discussion show would find its way to the airwaves. Funny isn’t it, considering how often I rail against so many of them and usually preach some form of deinstitutionalizing their contribution to hyperbole? I’m not totally heartless. But today it does glow with a momentary sense of good riddance to someone who has probably done more damage to the world of film criticism than all the Dittmans, Fischers and Edwards’ combined. For you see, he spawned.
Jeffrey Lyons and his show Reel Talk was canceled by NBC this week. Admittedly this was a show that I watched occasionally in hopes of winning my colleague’s “Guess Jeffrey Lyons’ Top 10 List.” #1 Tip – Anything of the heartwarming, inspiring drama variety that opened in the final three months was an even money favorite. The last couple of years though, even my Tivo stopped bothering to find the thing and even started ignoring it when it wasn’t up against a bowling pre-show on ESPN. It was a toss-up between Reel Talk and Leonard Maltin’s Hot Ticket as to which was a lamer and more uninformative show. The edge actually went to Reel Talk since Alison Bailes was far more tolerable than Maltin’s Joyce Kulhawik. We come here not to bury the show though, but Mr. Lyons himself who has proven to be more douche than mensch over the years.
As a frequent contributor of usable quotes to Criticwatch more than the moviegoing public, Lyons was quick to deny any knowledge that he was on the Watch list or that it even existed. He did this during an unexpected co-booking with my colleague, Peter Sobczynski, on Mancow Muller’s show, even though he’s been known to ask those with laptops in his screening room to see what we’ve been saying about him lately. Jeffrey also denied having any hand in his son getting the At the Movies gig, denying all charges of nepotism. He must have forgot that he had Ben on Reel Talk frequently as a guest correspondent. In response to Lyons’ firing, critic Glenn Kenny (currently seen as a wonderfully sleazy sex reviewer in Soderbergh’s great, The Girlfriend Experience) reminisced on another blog blog of his first meeting with Jeffrey. Kenny was an associate editor at Video Review and Lyons’ contributions as a freelancer were, in Glenn’s words “uniformly sub-literate.” The “high-handed prick” (again, Glenn’s words) is also the guy who said nobody wanted to watch “two geeky guys” on a show called At the Movies. In the same rant he also called Roger Ebert “an old putz” that was lucky to still have his print column. The classic thing about this rant is that it was reported during a matinee performance. No, I don’t mean an early screening. According to a source, he heard this rant later that evening right around the time the initial Defamer article had posted. That means Lyons was doing an encore for those who didn’t hear how upset he was with Roger posting his “Don’t Be Ben Lyons” column.
So what’s left to say about a family legacy that will always be about following in the groundwork of Roger Ebert? Somehow I imagine Jeffrey will find a gig somewhere. If I were Ben Mankiewicz I’d be more than a little worried that some dipshit bigwig somewhere is thinking about replacing him with Jeffrey so we can all revel (or is it, revile?) a Lyons father/son debate each week on the shiny robots of Terminator and Transformers. God help us all. In the meantime, Ben Lyons has sixteen jobs and dad has none. Too bad he’s already burned that Ebert bridge, huh? If Kenny’s comments are any indication there’s little hope of ever following Roger as the lead Sun-Times print critic. Who’s the unlucky, old, sub-literate, high-handed, prick putz now?
May 22 – Target These For Termination
Film Title: Terminator Salvation
Released by: Warner Bros.
Tomatometer: 33% (as of May 22, 2009)
Seen On The Ads:
"Out of this world action." - Mitch English, The Daily Buzz
"Explosive!." - Whitney Kennett, FOX-TV
"The summer’s biggest thrill ride!." - Mark S. Allen
"Intense…Terminator Salvation will blow you away.." - Kelli Gillespie
"Jaw-dropping, eye-popping - The perfect summer film!." - Zorianna Kit, Fandango
Respected Critics Say:
"With awful dialogue, a ridiculous plot, and mostly uninspired performances, the interesting human element has been drained from the franchise. The machines have won..." - Brian Tallerico, HollywoodChicago.com
"Suffers from pedestrian dialogue and a surfeit of bad plot devices ranging from the merely too-convenient to the laugh-out-loud preposterous.." - Eric D. Snider
"After scrutinizing the film, I offer you my summary of the story: Guy dies, finds himself resurrected, meets others, fights. That lasts for almost two hours. " - Roger Ebert
"[T]he hugest of the movie's many problems: [it's] sentimental... It's damn near close to character rape, what McG, Brancato, and Ferris force Christian Bale's Connor to do...." - MaryAnn Johanson, Flick Filosopher
What I Said:
"By the time it looks like Richard Dawson's Running Man crew created another stunt body double to get audiences all riled up, all the nostaglia has been sucked out thanks to a script unworthy of a direct-to-video sequel." – Erik Childress, eFilmCritic.com
We should have known this film was doomed once perennial Warner Bros. whore, Mark S. Allen (2008’s Whore of the Year), was singled out on the film’s newspaper ads last Sunday. It was his sixth quote of 2009 and his fourth for the WB. Last summer Allen was on the hook for three WB summer films including Get Smart, Sex and the City and Speed Racer which he said “will blow your mind.” In 2006, Poseidon was “Awesome!” and had “the most amazing images you’ll see on the big screen this summer!” only to be followed by Superman Returns which was “undoubtedly one of the best movies you’ll see this summer!” Allen’s outpouring for Warner Bros. over the year is pretty astounding. How’s this for a list of recommendations:
Fool’s Gold
A Cinderella Story
The Phantom of the Opera
Firewall
Unaccompanied Minors
The Dukes of Hazzard
Alex & Emma
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2
Scooby-Doo 2
Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous
He sure loves those WB sequels doesn’t he? He was on board with the far superior Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines in 2003 (“Leaves you gasping for more! See this one again and again!”) And less than a week earlier that year he called a film “The perfect mix of sexy-funny-rock-the-house action!” and said “You will see this again and again!” That film’s name? Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle. Yes, the McG joint that our own Peter Sobczynski proudly announces as the worst film he’s ever seen. (Yes, even worse than Bad Boys II.) Not Mark S. Allen though. He loves his WB, he loves his Terminator and he loves his McG. So why wouldn’t Terminator Salvation be “the summer’s biggest thrill ride?”
How about these other gushers on the list? Kelli Gillespie said the film “will blow you away.” She also said Will Smith was “Oscar-worthy” for WB’s I Am Legend. This Mitch English (pictured left) is on something called The Daily Buzz and is a weatherman That’s right, a weatherman is being used to promote Terminator Salvation. At least he didn’t say that a storm was coming in - even if judgment day is here for him. We could not find any listing for a Whitney Kennett from FOX-TV, a sure sign of whoredom. Zorianna Kit calls it “the perfect summer film” but needs Anton Yelchin to explain why Kyle Reese is a teenager in this one. I can’t believe this broad was ever allowed to sit on the set of Ebert & Roeper.
And if you want a little preview of what The Ben Lyons Quote of the Week might look like on Monday, Fox is using the Bens on their ads for Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian. We’ll await their full comments on the show tomorrow night, which is more than we can say for Jeff Craig whom no one seems to ever hear.
“Better than the original.” – Ben Mankiewicz
“I loved it. I had so much fun. It’s got such a wonderful, magical quality. Audiences young and old are going to love it.” – Ben Lyons
“Hilarious. Comic genius.” – Lee Thomas, WJBK Fox 2, Detroit
“A summer smash. Fun for the whole family. You won’t have a better time at the movies. ****.” – Jeff Craig
May 9 – Angels & Hammonds
Sony had a screening of Angels and Demons in Chicago on Thursday (and a number of other markets last week), but most of Chicago’s press were deemed unworthy to see the film this early. Who knows which of us wildcats might ignore the review embargo and get up a quickie before the weekend like Variety and The Hollywood Reporter already have. Normally you have to wait until the Sunday ads to see which early reviews the studio chooses to use, but we already spotted one in the commercials as early as Friday, May 8.
“Tom Hanks and Ron Howard have topped The Da Vinci Code in every way imaginable. Movies don't get more exciting than this.” - Pete Hammond
Oh Petey, you scamp. Getting your whore-leading 19th quote a full week before the film comes out. You’re so trustworthy too. The masses should follow you with such bold praise. The way you say it’s better than a previous movie and prop up its excitement as the best of the bunch. Don’t get more exciting than this, Pete? What about these other movies you’ve praised over the years?
“King Kong rules over all the others. As big, breathtakingly exciting and relentlessly thrilling as any epic adventure the screen has seen in many years! If you think you’ve seen Kong, you ain’t seen nothing yet!”
“The Bourne Ultimatum is the best action film in decades. A two hour high-tech chase around the world that surpasses everything that’s come before it, including Oscar-winning classics like The French Connection and Bullitt.”
“A relentless suspense thriller with a jaw-dropping twist that will leave you on the edge of your seat. This year’s Bourne Ultimatum.” (Traitor)
“The best action movie since The Bourne Ultimatum. Get ready for the ride of your life. Move over Bourne.” (Taken)
So Traitor was last year’s Bourne and Taken is the best action movie SINCE Bourne and actually better since you’re telling it to move over. And Bourne trumped the Oscar-winning French Connection? King Kong ruled over all the others until they came along, but it doesn’t matter since none come as exciting as this Angels and Demons. In every way too, right?
“Remarkable in every way, even better than March of the Penguins.” (Earth)
“Tops Sex and the City in every way.” (The Women)
“Sensationally entertaining in every way.” (The Devil Wears Prada)
“Undeniably fascinating in every way!” (Hollywoodland)
“Super great in every way.” (Superbad)
“…blissfully over the top in every way.” (Beerfest)
“An absolute shocker in every way imaginable.” (Hannibal Rising)
Way to bank your faith on Pete Hammond, Sony, a whore in every way imaginable that rules over all others. Move over, Peter Travers.
May 8 – Star Whores
Trekkers or Trekkies or whatever they want to be called need a stiff dose of reality. Currently at Rotten Tomatoes there are over 170 reviews of J.J. Abrams’ new reboot of the franchise. You know how many are negative? EIGHT. That’s a pretty impressive record. We’re into Iron Man and Dark Knight territory though as far as critical consensus goes. Only unlike those two films, I am not in the minority. That’s right, folks, I’m one of the eight . As much as I hate to be part of a minute group that includes perpetual film grouches, Armond White and Anthony Lane, I stand by every one of the 2000+ words in my review; not influenced in any way by other critics, fanboys, a desire to be different or to simply attract attention to our website here. As I wrote amongst the negative comments to my review, the day I write something negative (or positive) just to be contrarian or for mere attention is the day I declare Ben Lyons as the greatest critic who has ever lived.
Which brings us to now where, Star Trek fans may not understand, but I’m actually looking out for them. Just as I felt screenwriters Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman completely betrayed the nature of Kirk and Spock’s relationship and wrote a screenplay barely worthy of the surname “Insurrection” or “Nemesis”, the Trekkies are being represented by some of the lamest “critics” imaginable. Paramount has over 160 positive reviews to choose from (and probably more) and this is what we’re seeing on the ads.
"A burst of pure filmmaking exhilaration. Star Trek is an irresistible invitation for fun! What more could you ask of a summer movie?" – Peter Travers
"It doesn’t matter if you’ve never seen Star Trek…It’s so rousing you may hardly be able to contain yourself." – Gene Shalit
"This year’s Iron Man" – Geoff Boucher, Los Angeles Times
"The perfect film" - Nancy Jay, EX-TV
Gene Shalit, huh? That’s the best the marketers could come up with? What more could you ask of a summer movie, Peter Travers? Can we flashback to 2008?
“…kicks off summer on a blazing high note and practically dares the competition to measure up. It’s been years since a movie superhero was this fierce and this funny. You can feel the exhilaration.” (Iron Man)
“A thunderbolt is about to rip into the blanket of bland we call summer movies. Feverish action? Check. Dazzling spectacle? Check. Devilish fun? Check. Just hang on for a shock to the system.” (The Dark Knight)
That’s pretty much what I expect. From summer movies (AND Travers.) And what did you think of Mr. Abrams’ last film, Pete?
“This summer M:i:III is the movie to beat in the race to push your pulse rate past the danger zone.”
I would like to know precisely what Geoff Boucher from the Los Angeles Times is trying to say by calling Star Trek “this year’s Iron Man.” Certainly it’s not a superhero movie, but it does have a huge following. Is he referring to it as the big movie to take the summer by storm (or, at least, the first big Paramount movie?) Star Trek arrived one week later than Iron Man, but no one is stupid enough to call Wolverine this year’s Iron Man just because they shared the same opening weekend. Or is Boucher suggesting that Star Trek is going to be a $300 million dollar smash hit? Let’s hope not since its not a critic’s job to incorporate dollar signs into their review of a film unless you're a trade magazine with no embargo. I don’t care how he meant it. It’s a dumb quote and there are far better ones to choose from. I suppose though when you are given a quote like “the perfect film” though you sure as hell are going to use it. One question though – WHO IN THE HELL IS NANCY JAY?
Well, let me tell ya. Nancy Jay is the Celebrity Spotlight host for AAFES-EXTV. AAFES stands for the Army & Air Force Exchange. They have a YouTube channel which helps document the military community and their families – and I applaud them for providing such a service. Although not to the film loving community. Entertainment reporters such as Nancy Jay are the bane of film critics everywhere. Think you’ll ever see one of them ask a tough question or break bad on a film while interviewing the celebrities How often have you ever seen a perfect film? I bet if you asked every legitimate film critic about their choice for the best film of 2008, every one of them could point out one little flaw, one slight error or one little nitpick. By definition then – NOT perfect! You want a little sampling of “perfect” from the nutsack (I mean, peanut) gallery in 2009?
"Inkheart is the perfect family fantasy film." (Inkheart) – Mark S. Allen
"The perfect way to start the summer!" (Ghosts of Girlfriends Past) – Mike Sargent
"Channing Tatum and Terrence Howard are perfect!" (Fighting) – Sandie Newton
Now, Nancy Jay can join that list. Speaking of which, Nancy Jay was recently nominated for an Los Angeles Press Club Award. You remember them, don’t ya? The group that requires nominees to send in $40 and submit themselves for awards? Yeah, well, Nancy was nominated in the Best Critic (Television) category and she was in some pretty prestigious company. George Pennacchio from KABC-TV, another “entertainment reporter” that just goes to show anytime you see call letters and then “TV” after a critic’s name, they have usually been flown somewhere to see a film, get free food and hang with the celebrities. Also on the list is Manny “The Movie Guy” De La Rosa (whose last name wasn’t even mentioned on the ballot), the aforementioned Sandie Newton (who thought Channing Tatum was “perfect” in Fighting) and the duo of Russ Simmons and SHAWN EDWARDS! Great company there, Nancy. Wear that nomination proud. Maybe next we’ll see your name on Next Day Air, the anti-Star Trek of this weekend which has half as many positive reviews as Star Trek has negative and still managed to get some support from the following whores:
“Lethal and explosive...Full of laughs!” - Maria Salas
“Next Day Air delivers.” - TheSource.com
“Action, comedy and excitement...all in one package.” - Greg Russell
Get it? Cause the film is about delivery people. Criticwatch is currently working on a screenplay called Two Acres. It’s 90 pages of quote whores like Greg Russell getting kicked right in the package. Maybe I’ve taken the wrong route to deliver my message though. Star Trek fans, listen up. Stop worrying about the eight people who didn’t like your precious movie and start thinking about those being used to represent your best interests. I guarantee you don’t want it to be this guy ---------------->
May 1 – The Tri-Annual Whore Report
We’re one-third through 2009 and trying to determining if whoring is up or down is a trying effort. Amongst the top whores, the numbers are nearly identical. But this year they are spread more thin thanks to Pete Hammond having a regular gig again. You’ll recall last January when Hammond was fired from Maxim Magazine; one of the few firings that never seems to get a mention when people post the increasing casualty rate amongst actual critics. Hammond did get a spot writing for Hollywood.com and as a result is getting all the ad space. By the end of April last year, Hammond was just getting his feet wet over there and had only 3 quotes. It was Xanadu! Sure he kicked it into high gear and wound up with 49 quotes, but man was that a glorious time for Criticwatch not to see his name everywhere. 2009 is a different story though. Hammond is making up for lost time, already nabbing 18 quotes and leading his rival Pete (Travers) who has 16 (compared to last year’s total of 12). Exponentially, compared with last year’s numbers Hammond would end up with 294 quotes this year. Obviously that’s unrealistic as that would be three times Hammond’s record-breaking haul of 88 quotes back in 2007 just before he was fired. Does this make for an acceptable tradeoff though? One Pete Hammond quote replacing your Dittmans and Oldfields? Whatever, a whore’s a whore.
Like Shawn Edwards who has matched his total of 10 from last year. Ben Lyons has 6 (a quote up from ’08) thanks to a four-pack of quotes from the weekend of March 20. Jim Ferguson also up a quote from 3 to 4, as is Jeff Craig (2-to-3). Maria Salas, after having a light ’08 has grabbed 3 mentions so far. Reigning Whore of the Year, Mark S. Allen, only had 2 by May last year and this year he has 5, including one of the worst films of 2009 (Fired Up).[br]
One to keep an eye on this year is Stuart Lee of WNYX-TV. His sole contribution to 2008 was to tell us that Nights in Rodanthe was “the most romantic movie of the year.” Right. In 2009 he’s still in a romantic mood calling He’s Just Not That Into You “Deliciously witty and laugh-out-loud funny” and Ghosts of Girlfriends Past “Funny and charming…a must-see film!”. He’s also called The Mysteries of Pittsburgh, a film that has received 30 negative reviews out of the 35 available on Rotten Tomatoes, “One of the best ‘coming of age’ movies ever made.” Keep an eye on this joker. Another serious new contender has emerged this year though in Jake Hamilton of KHOU-TV (pictured right). At the end of 2008 he got in a Fox trifecta of Australia, The Day The Earth Stood Still and Marley and Me. He’s left them behind in 2009 and has got 5 quotes for Inkheart, Watchmen, Monsters vs. Aliens, State of Play and The Soloist. Two epics, two films for everyone (or at least the entire family), one flawless, one masterpiece and one that will blow you away. Jake’s words, not mine. And he’s more than one to watch for 2009, he’s in the running for the Top 10.
As always we like to offer a little bit of hope out there and show where the numbers are down. Our #9 Whore of 2008, Carrie Keagan (who appeared as herself in THE worst film of the year to date – Miss March) only has a single quote after having three by this point last year. The mysterioso James Thomas, the #5 whore who emerged early in 2008 has all but disappeared from the quote list. #8 Steve Oldfield already had 6 of his 7 quotes by May 1, 2008 but as of May 1, 2009 only has 2. And one of the original faces of whoredom himself, Earl Dittman, who ranked sixth last year, had five quotes at this point. This year, just a single one for Knowing. The summer season is about to kick into full gear though and this is a big section for the whores. We should find time this year to give you a complete recap of the summer whoredom, but in the meantime we can provide you with the first group of the season.
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
McConaughey and Garner have perfect chemistry. – Gerrad Hall, Reelzchannel
Hilarious! McConaughey and Garner deliver. – Jim Ferguson
Laugh-out-loud funny and refreshingly smart. The perfect way to start the summer! – Mike Sargent
Funny and charming…a must-see film! – Stuart Lee
The most winning date movie of the year. – Jeanne Wolf
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Wolverine is action-packed adrenaline-charged entertainment. Hugh Jackman is electrifying, devliering a star-turning performance. The first great summer movie of the season! – Paul Fischer
Apr. 17 – Speaking Of Guys Who Need To Take High School Over
It’s bad enough that I can’t get that damn Bowling for Soup song from the trailers out of my head (“oh Oh OH Oh!!!”) but I have to see whore after whore after whore get their name into the ads for the Zac Efron vehicle, 17 Again. It all started last Sunday when the New York Times featured the following quotes:
Hilarious and heartwarming. Zac Efron shoots and scores! – Pete Hammond
Wildly entertaining. – Shawn Edwards
The feel-good movie of the year. – Bonnie Laufer
A fun, wonderful film! – Jim Ferguson
You see, because Zac Efron plays basketball in the movie. That’s why Pete Hammond said he “shoots and scores.” What Captain Dipshit doesn’t seem to realize is that’s an exclamation of exuberation associated with either hockey or occasionally, soccer. When was the last time you heard a basketball announcer call one of the hundred shots in a game with that particular expression? Nice try, Pete. “The feel-good movie of the year?” Sorry, Bonnie, but Bryan “Disney Whore” Erdy already told us that Confessions of a Shopaholic was the “feel-GREAT movie of the year.” I don’t want to downsize and frankly I feel great that I have yet to see either movie. Not so great that even more whores appeared in the commercials throughout the week including:
Laugh out loud funny. – Greg Ellson
Make you feel young again. - Greg Russell
Zac Efron is brilliant. - Troy Alexander, Fandango
A funny comedy with a big heart. - Manny the Movie Guy
17 Again actually seems a bit too sophisticated for the likes of Manny "the Movie Guy" de la Rosa and I say again, if you’re laughing but not doing it “out loud” you are an insane person. Of course, all of this may be true. I have yet to see the 20th Anniversary Edition of Like Father Like Son, Vice Versa, Big and 18 Again! Remember Charlie Schlatter, everyone?
The point being that 17 Again is actually getting more than a few warm embraces. A 70% positive rating at Rotten Tomatoes is not too shabby for a concept film we were tired of in 1988. Heck, even Peter Travers said “If you can't figure out what happens, you've never seen a movie. And if you haven't, please, God, don't start with this one.” Forget Travers though. Please. You’re telling me with that many positive notices that Warner Bros./New Line couldn’t find happy-go-lucky snippets from actual written reviews from critics who didn’t get a free junket ride? Like Shawn Edwards who is making a serious play to get all up in the Hammond/Travers/Jeff Lyons trifecta of yearly quotes. Between 17 Again, State of Play (“Sophisticated, intelligent, powerful.”) and The Soloist (“Inspiring.”), Edwards is up to 8 quotes for 2009, tied with Jeffrey Lyons for third on the list behind Travers’ 13 and Hammond’s 15. Paramount won’t even screen The Soloist for Chicago critics until this Tuesday night just a few days before it opens, but both Edwards and Jake “Flawless” Hamilton are singing its praises nearly two weeks in advance. Why can’t all these guys become 17 again, go back to high school and choose another profession? The world needs ditchdiggers (and fluffers) too.
Apr. 10 – Giving New Meaning To Rubenesque
Sam Rubin is not a name that has appeared much on Criticwatch and yet he was probably one of the inspirations for it. I don’t know if he still makes appearances because the TV is off in the morning as I write and listen to Jonathon Brandmeier on WLUP, but the WGN morning news here in Chicago would summon this Rubin to do an entertainment report from Los Angeles on the tail end of their telecast. I never responded well to basic gossip reports even in the pre-TMZ era and there was just something about this dude that rubbed me the wrong way. He actually appears as himself as one of the junket reporters in the failed Billy Crystal satire, America’s Sweethearts, which should tell you all you need to know. Except you haven’t heard nothing yet.
We’re only into the second week of April and 2009 has already shaped itself as one of the worst years for American film in sometime. That doesn’t stop the whores though from slapping their names on any “of the year” comment the studio marketers write for them. Don’t deny it people. There’s actually a shred of dignity to be taken back by the honesty that you actually had nothing to do with coming up with these quotes on your end. So far this year we’ve already had:
One of the best films of the year. (Yonkers Joe) – Brian Hughes, eInsiders.com
The sexiest, most shocking thriller of the year. (Donkey Punch) – Empire
The most exciting surprise of the year. (Race To Witch Mountain) - Bryan Erdy
And…
The best new film of 2009! (Crossing Over) - Clear Channel Q104.3, Shelli Sonstein
Sonstein was certainly ahead in the running for a potential new Criticwatch award for the worst film taste on the planet. But on this Friday, April 10, 2009 a brand new candidate has emerged.
That’s right. So far, BY FAR, the best movie of 2009 according to KTLA-TV’s Sam Rubin is Hannah Montana: The Movie; a film that has to remind us what it is in the actual title. Look, there are a lot of critics at Rotten Tomatoes giving it the family pass (i.e. “I didn’t really get it but the kids will love it.”). So much so that it has a 41% approval rating (up from 38% just as I was writing this paragraph.) Not a huge number in any universe but it’s higher than other recent box office successes including The Haunting In Connecticut (20%), Fast & Furious (26%) and Knowing (34%). But which part of Rubin’s quote is more infuriating? “The best movie of the year” part or the “BY FAR” part?
The list of greatness (or even plain ol’ goodness) certainly isn’t long this year. So I suppose if you really like the Hannah Montana movie it’s not that big a leap to actually include “by far” to show the disparity between seriously made films and ones targeted for a quick tween cash grab. It’s also not a huge leap of faith between calling someone a quote whore and recognizing that they are outright retarded. You want a great movie for families? There was Coraline. You want the best action film of the year? Go see Taken again. You want a great comedy? Choose between I Love You, Man and Observe and Report. Indie dramas more your thing? Seek out Two Lovers or the recently released baseball film, Sugar. Hell, even Lyons & Mankiewicz called Sin Nombre the best film they’ve seen all year. Granted, I haven’t heard their Hannah Montana review yet but I have even enough faith in THEM to not just blindly recommend it – even as a favor for the Disney company paying their checks.
From now on, Criticwatch will adopt the term "Rubinesque" to describe morbidly thickheaded quote whores who can't fit into anything but the studio-packaged verbage puked up for them. Sam Rubin, ladies and gentlemen, just another representative of the Broadcast Film Critics Association. If you want a little taste of Sam Rubin, all you need to watch is his red carpet hosting duties for last year’s Critic’s Choice awards. It doesn’t get more painful than this. You can also watch Rubin’s probing interview with Miley Cyrus where the best film of the year (by far) is barely discussed aside from where it was filmed.
(UPDATE: Saturday, April 11) The Hannah Montana ads filled out a little more today with perpetual Disney whore, Lisa Stanley, getting her first quote since 2007's Dan In Real Life calling it "Fun for the whole family!" It was also called "A ton of fun!" by Scott "Look Ma, I rhymed just like the movie" Mantz from Access Hollywood and Mary McNamara from the Los Angeles Times called the film "Miley Cyrus' next big step." Really? She's gone from playing Hannah Montana on television to singing as Hannah Montana in a concert film to playing Hannah Montana in a film called Hannah Montana. Lending her voice to Disney's Bolt was a bigger step for Miley than this. Her next "big step" would to be in a film that was rated PG-13 or played the festival circuit or one that could attract the appreciation of some actual critics.
Apr. 3 – Less ‘The’, More ‘Duh’
Film Title: Fast & Furious
Released by: Universal
Tomatometer: 21% (as of Apr. 3, 2009)
Seen On The Ads:
"Turbo-Charged." - Shawn Edwards
"Pure adrenaline.." - Carlos Alberto, Laconexion TV
"The best of the Fast & Furious movies.." - Maria Salas
Respected Critics Say:
"Oh yeah, there are also lots and lots of car crashes--so many, in fact, that it feels at times like a big-screen version of an auto industry bailout plan.." - Peter Sobczynski, eFilmCritic.com
"'The cast was available' is no reason to make a sequel.." - Matt Pais, Metromix.com
"There's not even much car-racing in it -- and why would anyone want to watch this movie if it doesn't have a lot of car-racing in it?." - Eric D. Snider, Cinematical
What I Said:
"It seems deftly appropriate that they would decide to remove the two 'the's from the title, the most replaceable word in the English language and compensate their absence with two of the most transparent ciphers to ever get above-title billing." – Erik Childress, eFilmCritic.com
2009 started out so promising. Not for movies, really, which have been pretty bad week-to-week, but for the lack of whores attaching their names to the pre-written quotes provided to them by the studio marketing departments, a practice that’s becoming more rampant and more apparent. We went almost three months without seeing Earl Dittman’s name, until he grabbed three or four adjectives on the ads for Knowing, which has the biggest collections of whore quotes so far this year. Yes, Pete Hammond, Peter Travers and Jeffrey Lyons continued to lead the pace. And last year’s whore of the year, Mark S. Allen, was already making a play to repeat with five quotes, including for the abominable Fired Up. The Haunting in Connecticut managed to find a taker this week for its “The scariest movie since The Exorcist!” quote. Congratulations Rick Florino from LAX Magazine on managing to avoid horror films altogether since 1973.
But for the first 11 weekends of the year, the riff-raff was pretty much at bay. Crap like The Unborn, Friday the 13th and Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li with this year’s best worst supporting actor, Chris Klein, couldn’t even find a whore to say something nice about them. This all began to change on March 20.
The Knowing whores were in full force for the 31% approved film at Rotten Tomatoes. Despite a good portion of positive reviews, Disney couldn’t find anyone better than Hammond, Jeff Craig and Scott Mantz to hype Monsters vs. Aliens. Just a few weeks after saying in an Associated Press article that he doesn’t get quoted as often as other critics, Ben Lyons was quoted no less than FOUR TIMES on that very weekend for Duplicity, The Great Buck Howard, I Love You Man and Sin Nombre. It’s not like those are bad movies either. All well-reviewed. 65%, 72%, 80% and 88%, respectively. You’re telling me that the marketing departments are so brain-dead that they would use Ben Lyons name for anything. He’s received more noticeably negative write-ups within the industry in just the last six months than any of the others probably have since the existence of Criticwatch. Even this week’s 86% approved Adventureland found room for Shawn Edwards’ ****. This is the third Edwards mention in a row where he hasn’t been quoted in words, only in stars. Which maybe is a plus.
Edwards did speak up this week for Universal’s Fast & Furious though. He called it “Turbo-Charged.” Is this much of a surprise after he called the last film in the series, 2006’s The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift “the best action movie of the year?” What a dipshit! Everybody knows that the only sequel in history worthy of the label, “Turbo-Charged” is Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. Edwards isn’t alone in his idiocy though. There’s also Maria Salas who says it’s “The best of the Fast & Furious movies.” (Feel free to make your own joke about shiny turds here.) The critics at Rotten Tomatoes don’t seem to think so with The Fast and the Furious getting a 53% approval, 2 Fast 2 Furious getting 35% and Tokyo Drift getting 34%. Fast & Furious’ numbers have nowhere to go but down and I’d be disappointed if they didn’t slip below 20% by the end of the weekend. The third name on the list came out of nowhere. No seriously, out of nowhere. Carlos Alberto of something called Laconexion TV calls says Fast & Furious is “pure adrenaline.” Not 100% pure adrenaline like Point Break was, but just plain pure adrenaline. Try Googling Laconexion TV or Carlos Alberto and see what you find. I guess Manny de la Rosa wasn’t available to call Vin Diesel “Hollywood’s new action star” the way he did for Jason Statham and Universal’s Death Race last August.
Speaking of both Manny and Shawn, congratulations are in order. For the second year in a row, Shawn Edwards (and his partner, Russ Simmons) were named the Best TV Critics by the Los Angeles Press Club Awards. Ol’ Manny de la Rosa finished second this year. Now, before you begin condemning the L.A. Press Club for bestowing such an honor on the guy who was Criticwatch’s 2007 Whore of the Year and is a Top 5 candidate for that very award every year since its inception, please understand that to be in consideration for the Press Club award, you have to pay $40 to submit an entry for it. OK, NOW you can begin condemning them.
These awards mean nothing. You don’t need me to tell you that. Seriously, imagine the ego you must have to enter yourself in a competition like this. Christ, even grade school Student Council elections require that a fellow classmate stand up to nominate you. The Press Club gets some cash and you have the opportunity to be honored as a result of not work that anyone would have noticed or appreciated, but of your ability to send in a check. Maybe as a gag for next year’s 3rd Annual Awards, people can take up a collection and submit Criticwatch or The Ben Lyons Quote of the Week for the Best Online Feature category. Just don’t tell me about it. Then, if I win, I can go accept my award in person and blast these awards and everyone who self-submitted their work as the most shameless of all self-promoting whorejobs in the business. In honor of this week's crap pile that is Fast & Furious, I'll paraphrase a question from the film. Do you know what the difference is between a quote whore and a legitimate critic? Start with a picture of Shawn Edwards and the rest will fall into place.
Apr. 1 - Did Ben Mankiewicz really storm off the set of At the Movies?
Read the Associated Press release.
Feb. 28 - "In the past, it might have hurt the show a bit that (reviewers) were isolated in Chicago. I enjoy the fact that I’m out here in L.A. and I know writers and directors and actors. I’m young and I’m going to be out and social and to meet people and develop genuine friendships with them and understand the (artistic) choices they’ve made.”
That's a bit from this week's Associated Press article on the criticism of Lyons and Mankiewicz. Read their mind-boggling defense in At the Movies: Ben There, Done With That
Feb. 27 - Jeffrey Lyons Now Deeper And More Absorbing
Jeffrey Lyons is one of the few critics heaping some praise on this week's disasterous Crossing Over, opening in limited release to a 13% approval at Rotten Tomatoes. Only FOUR out of 31 critics have listed positive reviews including Peter Travers. Along with Pete Hammond, Lyons is on the Friday ads for the film though in New York calling it "Superb! Deeply absorbing." I think the following quotes from Jeffrey Lyons' past say all that needs to be.
Spanglish - A warm and absorbing story...
Madison - Madison is Warm and absorbing.
Perfume: The Story of a Murderer - Perfume is eerie and absorbing...
Wilbur Wants To Kill Himself - Absorbing! Tender and touching!
Finding Home - Absorbing…Will touch you deeply.
Henry Poole Is Here - An absorbing, deeply moving film.
The Guitar - Amazing, deeply absorbing.
Kinsey - Intense, intelligent and deeply absorbing...Laura Linney may just be the best American actress of her generation.
Ask the Dust - Ask the Dust is a deeply moving, absorbing, fiery romantic story! Salma Hayek heats up a screen more than just about any actress of her generation!
December Boys - A wonderful dreamlike story with nostalgia, poignancy and deeply absorbing performances.
The Legend of Simon Conjurer - The interplay between the young actors is absorbing and Jon Voight shows another facet of his great range.
Don’t Come Knocking - A very absorbing, engrossing saga. Sam Shepard and Jessica Lange are electrifying together!
The Constant Gardener - An absorbing, provocative, intelligent, wonderful film! Ralph Fiennes and Rachel Weisz are superb.
The Children of Huang Shi - A remarkable, sweeping, deeply-absorbing epic.
American Gangster - A brilliant, incredibly absorbing historical drama with Washington and Crowe at the top of their game.
Out of Time – A first-rate, absorbing thriller. This is the way they used to make movies when they made them right! Denzel Washington is at the top of his game
Feb. 22 - The Sunday Hammond Wrap-Up
Saying this hasn’t been a good year for movies when we’re only in February, frankly, is to be expected. Of the roughly 20 films that have gone into wide release in 2009, only five of them have managed to get over the 50% approval hump at Rotten Tomatoes – Coraline (87%), My Bloody Valentine (59%), Taken (58%), Notorious (53%) and The International (52%). If we go by the tomatometer’s idea of what a positively approved film is, it has to hit 60%. Which means that Coraline is the only wide release to have a positive critical consensus this year. 19 out of 20 films haven’t registered “fresh” this year and the truly rotten to the core, Pete Hammond, has been quoted on four of them.
Along with Coraline and Taken, easily the two best films of this year’s batch of wide releases, Hammond has been quoted for Hotel for Dogs (45%), The Uninvited (36%) and Confessions of a Shopaholic (22%). And while more of a dump by the Weinsteins than a full-fledged release, you can add Fanboys (28%) to his list of recommendations. Speaking of the Weinsteins, they can’t be happy that their long-delayed (is there any other kind?) Harrison Ford-headlined immigration drama, Crossing Over already has five negative reviews up at Rotten Tomatoes (out of six.) Pete Hammond to the rescue. In Sunday’s ads for the film, opening in limited release on Friday, Hammond says “Harrison Ford is terrific. An engrossing, thoroughly entertaining movie with great performances from a first-rate ensemble cast.” That’s his 7th quote of the year. More than twice as many as anyone else this year, including his rival quote slut, Peter Travers. Kinda makes you wonder just what else Hammond is recommending this year.
He's Just Not That Into You - "The title and cast are sure to lure women in by the droves - but surprisingly there's something to like here for the guys, too."
The International - "A globe-hopping suspense thriller with bankers as the villains."
Fired Up - "F.U. stands for funny. An outrageous sex-obsessed teen comedy that's something to cheer about - especially if you're 16."
Those are a few of Hammond’s quotes from Rotten Tomatoes, ones that didn’t make it into the studio marketing. I guess the best thing you can say is that he doesn’t hold any grudges towards Maxim and is man enough to recommend their film even if it is the worst film of 2009. (You can’t really count Tyler Perry’s efforts as actual films.) Yes, as I stated on Friday about Fired Up, it was clearing a path to actually be called the best reviewed comedy of the year so far. At the time it had 11 positive reviews out of 36. Today, it has 19 positive out of 60. Still 4% higher than Paul Blart: Mall Cop. As for Hammond’s Rotten Tomatoes statistics for 2009 – he has posted 17 reviews, 11 of which are positive. 9 of which aren’t Coraline or Taken. In the Criticwatch world, F.U. is reserved for Pete Hammond.
Feb. 20 - Another F.U. To Moviegoers
Film Title: Fired Up
Released by: Screen Gems
Tomatometer: 31% (as of Feb. 20, 2009)
Seen On The Ads:
"Hilarious!." - Jeffrey Lyons
"The movie never ceases to hit joke after joke. There’s a definite cleverness to it – I couldn’t stop laughing!." - Ain’t It Cool News
"Superbad meets Bring It On.." - Robin Milling, Milling About, WENN
Respected Critics Say:
"This is a film so scuzzy and creepy in tone that you keep getting the sense that if there was any possible that it could slip a roofie into your soda while you weren't looking, it would.." - Peter Sobczynski, eFilmCritic.com
"Like a grotesque hybrid between the straight-to-DVD American Pie and Bring It On sequels, Fired Up asks the audience to root for a skirt-chasing Seacrest-and-Dunkleman pair who operate like a hive-minded Van Wilder.." - Scott Tobias, The Onion A.V. Club
"Oh, is this movie bad." - Roger Ebert
What I Said:
"The Maxim revolution kicks off with Fired Up and the fact that even the now Hammond-less skin mag's name is nowhere to be found on the title, should tell you that even they are trying to maintain some dignity." – Erik Childress, eFilmCritic.com
If you would have said that less than one week after seeing the unnerving monstrosity that was the Friday the 13th that I would see a collection of characters more obnoxious, hateful and worthy of a butcher knife up their anuses, I would have said you were drunk. Actually the characters in F-13-2 really did have their puncture wounds coming to them. The gang in Fired Up I would just like to see subject to a series of severe beatings. Soul Men was the last film that was supposed to be a comedy where I sat there stonefaced. Disaster Movie the one before that. Looks like I’m on a quad-annual plan to be completely appalled at the utter lack of wit and humor of American film.
As we’ve seen though, where there’s an opinion there’s an asshole. And you can get just about any asshole to recommend a really bad movie. Can you remember the last wide release with over, say, 30 reviews that had a zero percent rating at Rotten Tomatoes or Metacritic? Normally a studio has to go to the well of “who da WHAT?” to find some no-name with no-scruples to give them a quote they can slap on the ads. Like Robin Milling from WENN’s Milling About. Yeah, try plugging that name into Yahoo or Google and see if you can find an actual radio show amidst some more one-off quotes or an interview with Keith Carradine from him/her. I’m going to assume the Ain’t It Cool review came from one of their “spies” and not from one of their regular reviewers. I sure hope not. I know my man, Capone, hated it. OK, he laughed once according to his review which is far from Jeffrey Lyons calling it “HILARIOUS!” for his 4th quote of the year. Of course he liked Sex Drive too so maybe he’s just trying to be the cool dad. Hey Benny, wasn’t that Fired Up the dopeness? Nope, Jeff, you’re just a big fat dope.
But he’s not the only one. The ads may not reflect a cornucopia of critical support but I was shocked just how many were punching the fresh button over at Rotten Tomatoes. Again, not a HUGE showing of support (of course, three would be too many), but no less than 11 critics (so far as of this writing) have weighed in with positive reviews. And not just some online hackjobs, but names like Marshall Fine and Owen “I liked Made of Honor and What Happens In Vegas” Gleiberman. Keep going and you’ll see Roger Moore from the Orlando Sentinel weighing in with what looks like a half-hearted recommendation. Click on the review though and he actually refers to Fired Up as “Juno-snappy.” Moore has continually called me out for my own “aesthetic” in recommending such fare as Clerks II, Knocked Up and Art School Confidential (instead of Stardust and Transformers) and yet here he is comparing what is guaranteed to be one of the worst films of 2009 with one of the best of 2007. Amazing.
But not quite as amazing as numbers. It’s still early on opening day. Who knows how many critics actually bothered to see it? But Fired Up is currently rockin’ a 31% approval rating at Rotten Tomatoes. 25 out of 36 reviews are still in the negative. So let’s look at the other films in its league this year.
Confessions of a Shopaholic, the Pete Hammond-approved tale of mental illness: Only 27 out of 122 posted reviews positive – or 22% approval.
Paul Blart: Mall Cop, the Film Advisory Board-approved top grossing film of the year so far: 24 out of 87 positive – or 28%
New In Town, the Roger Moore-approved-haven’t-seen-chemistry-like-this Renee Zellweger/Harry Connick Jr. vehicle: 20 out of 109 positive – or 18%
Fanboys, the barely released non-Weinstein cut: 17 out of 62 positive – or 27%
Bride Wars, the horror film disguised as comedy: 14 out of 121 positive – or 12%
The Pink Panther 2, Jeffrey Lyons approved for your displeasure: 12 out of 115 positive – or 10%
Fired Up is only one positive review behind Pink Panther Deux-dy with nearly 80 reviews less in the bank. So yes you’re reading this right. If Screen Gems was so inclined they could actually make the case that Fired Up is “the best reviewed comedy of the year.” If that isn’t the biggest F.U. to movie audiences, I don’t know what is.
Feb. 8 - Sunday Tidbits
- Paul Fischer got his first quote of 2009 for The Pink Panther 2 which he calls “A comic gem.” Fischer’s first quote of 2008 didn’t come until April for the film, Smart People. His quote? “Pitch-perfect. A comic gem.”
- After seeing Push Friday night, I announced that anyone who gave a positive recommendation to that boring, ridiculous mess of a subpar Heroes episode (or these days - a Heroes episode) is an idiot. Welcome to the non-savant club Heather “First real action movie of 2009” Newgen and Carrie “Rocks from beginning to end” Keagan.
- In his 2007 record-breaking stretch of 88 quotes, Pete Hammond already had 7 quotes by the second weekend in February. In 2009 he already has 6 including his third pun-tastic soundbite of the year with next week’s Confessions of a Shopaholic (“a nonstop laughing spree.”) His others include Hotel for Dogs (“One comedy will have you begging for more!”) and Fanboys (“The comic force is with Fanboys.”) How many pigs were slaughtered for that much Hamm?
Feb. 6 - If You See One Movie First This Year…
We’re into our fifth weekend of 2009 and even in these trying economic times people are flocking to the cinema. And why not? Avoid the concessions, go Dutch and you have some relatively cheap entertainment for the evening. OK, so ticket prices are higher than ever but no one budgets for the movies. They just go. Hey, that looks good, let’s go. Or: Hey, I’m bored and our Netflix DVDs didn’t arrive today, let’s go to the movies. That’s why Paul Blart: Mall Cop is headed towards $100 million. It has to be, right? By the end of Valentine’s Day weekend we’re likely to have twice as many films that have reached $50 million in grosses (Blart, Bride Wars, Hotel for Dogs, My Bloody Valentine, Taken and He’s Just Not That Into You) than in 2008 (when we had Cloverfield, 27 Dresses and the Hannah Montana concert). Sure there have been some great arthouse fare like California Dreamin’, Medicine for Melancholy and Memorial Day. Good luck finding them. As far as I’m concerned there’s only one wide release worth your ten bucks (plus concessions) and that’s Taken. But there are others out to convince you that THEY have been the ones privileged enough to see that one special film this year.
The first gotta-see movie of 2009. (Notorious) – Kirk Honeycutt, The Hollywood Reporter
The first genuinely funny movie of 2009. (New In Town) - Roger Moore
The first great comedy of 2009. (Fanboys) – Robert Sanchez, IESB.com
The first real action film of 2009! (Push) – Heather Newgen, Comingsoon.net
The first feel-great movie of the year. (Confessions of a Shopaholic) – Bryan Erdy
You would think as a professional critic you may want to hold that whole “first” shtick until at least sometime in March. That way you have a full two months you can dismiss as unworthy of your attention. How Heather Newgen could say that about Push while Taken is out there kicking ass is beyond me – unless, you know, someone wrote those words for her and got her to attach her name to them. I suppose we can look forward to hearing more reliable statements this month like “The first genuine horror remake of the year” for Friday the 13th and “The first Tyler Perry insult of 2009” for Madea Goes To Jail. Maybe we can gather all the critics telling us this is the “first” this and the “first” truly that. Or we can sit back and watch Roger Moore and Clay Smith argue the following merits:
This is what romantic chemistry looks like. (New In Town) - Roger Moore
This is what a funny, sexy romantic comedy should be! (He’s Just Not That Into You) – Clay Smith
Ooooh, down boys.
Feb. 1 - Sunday Ad Wrap-Up
It’s a shame that we have to associate such loveliness as Jennifer Aniston, Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Connelly, Drew Barrymore and Ginnifer Goodwin with whores, but that’s what happens when a studio uses quotes for such irreparable reviewers as the ones New Line/WB does for this week’s He’s Just Not That Into You. You have Patrick Stoner calling it “The most honest romantic comedy since When Harry Met Sally.” 20 years and he can’t think of one? Not Love Actually or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind or even the Apatow duo of The 40 Year-Old Virgin and Knocked Up? Jeanne Wolf uses some old standards saying it’s “Hilarious!” and “The all-star cast is at the top of their game,” a phrase that is going to the top of the list of phrases that need to be retired in 2009. Mike Sargent calls it “An instant classic. Every character is someone you know.” This from the guy who basically admitted on Inside Edition that he’s given quotes for films he hasn’t even seen. And then you have 2008’s Whore of the Year, Mark S. Allen, saying it’s “The best date movie of the season!”
First of all, what precisely are the other options for date movies this season? And don’t give me the horror shtick. No critic or whore describes My Bloody Valentine or The Unborn as date movies unless At the Movies has just hired Drew Petersen. Allen probably has never heard of Medicine for Melancholy which basically leaves He’s Just Not That Into You to compete with Renee Zellweger and Harry Connick Jr. in New In Town for that distinct title. Wow, what an epic struggle. For those keeping track, his choice of the best date movie of last summer was Sex and the City (I assume he meant gay men) and the best date movie of last Fall’s season was Zack and Miri Make a Porno. While I have no problem with the latter, I don’t think the moviegoing public wants to be taking recommendations from a guy whose idea of the “perfect date movie” includes Trust the Man and Alex & Emma. To everyone at Warner Bros., stop enabling Mark S. Allen. He’s well on his way to repeating his crown as Whore of the Year for 2009.
Closing out the Sunday papers we have an actual name attributed to the ads for the sci-fi actioner, Push. If you seen the TV commercials for the film at any point the last few weeks you may have noticed a lot of big words like “this is one you have to see in a theater.” Except no critic’s name was ever attached suggesting that the studio was just making crap up. The ad this week doesn’t reflect what television stated, but it does have Heather Newgen from Comingsoon.net calling it “The first real action film of 2009! Mind-blowing! A must-see!” More crap that needs to be retired this year. We’re just going to assume that Heather didn’t see the 85 minutes of kick-ass that was Taken this week. It’s the only way you can possibly accept her praise of a film that Summit is withholding from most critics until this Wednesday evening.
Jan. 30 - New In Town, But Same Old Whores
Film Title: New In Town
Released by: Lions Gate
Tomatometer: 13% (as of Jan. 9, 2009)
Respected Critics Say:
“It is a romantic comedy so condescending, so stupid and so utterly devoid of laughs, charm or recognizable entertainment value that I kept waiting for Kate Hudson to show up at some point to take over the lead role.” – Peter Sobczynski, eFilmCritic.com
“Serious competition for Bride Wars and Paul Blart: Mall Cop in the already heated race for worst movie of 2009.” – Josh Bell, Las Vegas Weekly
“The kind of movie someone would make if they put off their weekend movie-making homework until Sunday night.” – Eric D. Snider
“If Frank Capra were to make a movie today, it would probably look a lot like New in Town.Of course, Frank Capra is dead. Then again, so is this movie.” – Marshall Fine
Seen On Newspaper & TV Ads:
“The first genuinely funny movie of 2009. This is what romantic chemistry looks like.” – Roger Moore, Orlando Sentinel
“Renee Zellweger and Harry Connick Jr. have great chemistry.” – Jim Ferguson
“Legally Blonde meets Sweet Home Alabama.” – Maria Salas
“Bridget Jones moves to Fargo.” – Renee Shapiro
So we’re escaping the doldrums of January and thanks to films like The Unborn, My Bloody Valentine and Paul Blart: Mall Cop we’ve been free of the likes of Shawn Edwards, Earl Dittman and Ben Lyons (who has had two weeks off from the show thanks to reruns.) That’s a pretty good month. Can we make it TWO? Come on, February, you can do it. And come on, studios, stop being enablers. Like in the case of New In Town. Lions Gate don’t have anything from respected critics. If they did they would have used them. It certainly didn’t hurt the box office of those previously mentioned titles. All the horror geeks creamed themselves over the 3-D miner and (until people get with the program on Taken) it’s actually the best reviewed mainstream title of 2009; the film Lions Gate chose NOT to screen for critics. They did show New In Town though and riding atop those ads for the past two weeks has been our old friend, Roger Moore from the Orlando Sentinel You recall him, right? We called him a “Whore to watch” for 2008 and he’s had a vendetta against Criticwatch ever since. After the L.A. Times called out Ben Lyons for possibly being the worst critic in America, Mr. Moore suggested that my name should be thrown into the mix. Nothing like holding a grudge, hey Roger? Anyone interested in nominating him though for saying that THIS is what romantic chemistry looks like? Renee Zellweger and Harry Connick Jr., a pairing that my colleague Peter Sobczynski writes:
"Almost as disastrous as the lack of humor on display in “New in Town” is the complete lack of romantic chemistry between Renee Zellweger and Harry Connick Jr. I may not know very much about romance but I do know that if you are trying to make a movie whose success depends to a large degree on one’s desire to see the two stars living happily ever after, it doesn’t help matters much when you are convinced in virtually every scene in which they appear together that the guy is about to cut the girl’s throat with a broken bottle just for kicks."
Yes, THIS is what romantic chemistry looks like. And I would argue that Mr. Sobczynski knows a lot more about romance than the guy who also recommended Twilight and Australia as well. And yes, Mr. Moore, I still think The Kite Runner is a bad film. Roger is joined on the television spots by Jim Ferguson, fresh from his #3 ranking on last year’s whore list. The only way Maria Salas could have made the film sound less appealing is if she substituted Legally Blonde with Just Like Heaven. And does it get any more base and press note-ish than Renee Shapiro’s “Bridget Jones moves to Fargo?” You may as well describe the kick-ass Taken opening this weekend as “Oskar Schindler Goes To France To Stop Guys From Seeing His Daughter’s Underpants.”
Speaking of panty-wastes, Pete Hammond is back in full swing this year. After getting a little time off thanks to Maxim wising up and firing him, he become acquainted with Hollywood.com but those couple months probably cost him a shot to outdo Peter Travers for 2008. He was still the first runner-up to Whore of the Year, Mark S. Allen (who called last week’s Inkheart “the perfect family film”, just one month after calling Marley & Me “the perfect family film.”) Hammond is making a play though to reclaim the ultimate prize in whoring though getting quoted three times this month. He said Hotel for Dogs will “leave you begging for more” and now has these choice words for The Uninvited.
“The twists and turns will send chills down your spine. A truly frightening movie experience with a 100% certified shocker of an ending.”
100% certified huh? I saw that percentage go out the window at Chicago’s screening the other night with my own eyes and my own ears, as my colleague next to me saw the film’s big twist coming a mile away. I even wrote in my review: “Original or not though, the Brothers and their writers make some key tactical errors along the way that even those unaware of the film’s secrets are likely to pick up on unless they’re dead.” It’s no shocker that Hammond’s statement is 100% ludicrous and probably no surprise that he’s never seen Ji-Woon Kim’s A Tale of Two Sisters, of which The Uninvited is a remake of. Any horror fan who has seen the original knows the film’s first big reveal, conservatively maybe a third of the audience seeing the remake and I’d bet at least half of the remaining 66% know what’s going on before the final act.
“It may sound familiar and indeed is a remake of the Korean hit Changhwa, Hongryon, but The Uninvited still manages to be a truly frightening experience with a 100 percent certified shocker of an ending.”
That’s from Hammond’s “review”. Sounds familiar. Indeed a remake. But a 100% certified shocker of an ending? How stupid do you have to be say that? Pete-Hammond-Stupid.
Jan. 9 - Bride Whores
Film Title: Bride Wars
Released by: 20th Century Fox
Tomatometer: 11% (as of Jan. 9, 2009)
Respected Critics Say:
“After last year's "27 Dresses," 20th Century Fox has decided to once again make another bridal-themed movie aimed at female audiences who are in the mood to see a movie but have no apparent desire to see a good one.” – Peter Sobczynski, eFilmCritic.com
“Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway, who play the would-be brides, are good actors and quick-witted women, here playing characters at a level of intelligence approximating HAL 9000 after he has had his chips pulled. ” – Roger Ebert
“Hathaway should be embarrassed, and Hudson should ask Hathaway what it's like to still be capable of feeling embarrassment..” – Eric D. Snider
Seen On Newspaper Ads:
“Grab all your girlfriends and go see this movie! Hilarious and heartwarming.” – Kelli Gillespie, CW-TV/San Diego
“Loved it!” – Nadine Rajabi, National Lampoon TV and Comedy Radio XM
“Take your BFF, Take your frenemies.” – Manny de la Rosa, NBC-TV/Palm Springs
And here…we…go. 2009 has begun. That means January. That means crappy movies dumped from the bowels of the studios. And at least one that will make $60 million from either the women or the teenagers not interested in seeing all those award-worthy films finally opening up in their area. This year begins with Bride Wars. And, as always, the only thing more embarrassing than the film itself and all the women associated with constructing it are the soulless junket whores. Christ, you know the film is bad when its panned by Pete Hammond and Victoria Alexander for God’s sake. But who needs them when you have Manny de la Rosa, 2008’s Ben Lyons New Generation Award Winner from Criticwatch? Determined to show that he’s not just going to be just another bridesmaid, Manny has jumped to the top of the race for Whore of the Year. Yes it’s only January, but at this rate he’ll be quadrupling his quote total from ’08 and since he’s as close to a guaranteed lock to recommend nothing but ass, the Vegas odds on him finding a spot in the Top 10 for ’09 are going up considerably. You can see the typically uninspired interviews he does with Anne Hathaway and
Kate Hudson as well as check out his not-so-glowing review where he found himself "laughing with the audience in some scenes, especially the middle part." BFF? Frenemies? Are you a film critic or a 12 year-old girl held back a year?
Leave that talk to an actual woman like Kelli Gillespie, whose name pops up out of the blue now and again. This is only her 7th quote on our watch list (4 in ’06, 2 in ’07). Fox seems to appreciate her there after raves about Live Free or Die Hard and Horton Hears a Who. She also thought Will Smith was “Oscar-worthy” for I Am Legend so maybe her BFF is Ben Lyons. Finally, if you still need any convincing that the words “National Lampoon” in front of something means less than an endorsement from Shawn Edwards, along comes Nadine Rajabi to show she can put the words behind something like this and pitch audiences on this garbage while ol’ Manny has no problem being the catcher.
CRITICWATCH GOES AT THE MOVIES WITH THE TWO BENS
Read Criticwatch's take on the new incarnation of the old Siskel & Ebert/Ebert & Roeper show.
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link directly to this feature at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/feature.php?feature=2661
originally posted: 01/30/09 13:31:24
last updated: 06/10/09 08:23:35
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