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Criticwatch - The 2015 Quote Whores of the Year
by Erik Childress

Here we come to the end of another year. Of the roughly 143 wide releases in 2015, 75 of them ended up in the negative at Rotten Tomatoes. Just a little more than half. Criticwatch remained rather silent throughout 2015 as we watched from the sidelines that many of the same ol' junket quote whores were still doing their thing. But aside from the rise of a few new wannabes it was not a particularly strong year for the blurbists. Which makes us very happy. In fact like this year's college Bowl season we almost had trouble filling out the ranks. Almost. Until we can reduce this to a list of zero, our job will not be done. If we can just get Warner Bros. to stop using these people in bulk we could almost wipe out junketeering overnight. Those poor folks had a really bad year though financially, so who can blame them for wanting us to believe that someone liked their movies. But we know they can do better in 2016 and beyond with some real critics. The list below does not consist of such people and that is why they are the quote whores of the year.

10. JIM FERGUSON (FOX-TV/ KMSB-TV)
(3 Quotes. 3 Rotten Tomatoes. 2 Under 30%. 3 Warner Bros.)
The 2011 winner of the Bag O'Doucwhe Award was hardly in line to make the list this year. After all, we try to at least put a minimum requirement of appearances on film ads to qualify. If not it would be near anarchy as there appears to still be a lot of people still willing to trade hyperbole for their reputation in the hopes of being the next big go-to whore on the block. Ferguson secured himself a spot in the 11th hour though with his third quote for Warner Bros. on a film that made the list as one of the worst five scores at Rotten Tomatoes for 2015. His first two came in March and June.

"Will Ferrell and Kevin Hart are the comedy duo of this generation." (Get Hard)
"Hugh Jackman is a hero for the generations." (Van Helsing)
"A fantastic rollercoaster ride for every generation." (Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow)
"Hilarious! McConaughey and Garner deliver." (Ghosts of Girlfriends Past)
"Renee Zellweger and Harry Connick Jr. have great chemistry." (New In Town)
"Jackie & Chris have never been funnier." (Rush Hour 3)
"Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts are at their very best!" (Larry Crowne)

"Heartwarming. The most welcome surprise of the summer." (Max)
"This story has heart and soul." (Against the Ropes)
"It explores the heart and soul of being perfect." (Friday Night Lights)
"A truly remarkable film that touches your heart" (The Last Samurai)
"This film is one of the year's biggest surprises." (The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants)
"Destined to be the surprise hit of the summer!" (Bandslam)
"Without a doubt, the year's surprise hit comedy..." (In Good Company)

And then the coup de grace. Point Break. The film which had its press screenings canceled due to "unforeseen circumstances" across the country. Positivity vs. an 8% rating is one thing, but Ferguson's quote starts off as a remarkably dunderheaded thing to say considering the film is a remake. But then explodes into full-blown idiocy when he all but acknowledges that he is aware of that and clearly doesn't give a shit.

"A film experience like you've never seen before. Takes the original to another level." (Point Break)
"A heist thriller like you've never seen - outstanding! Powerful script, magnificent cast, a winner on all levels." (Inside Man)
"An incredible movie with great action! Stephen Sommers takes the genre to another level with an amazing vision. Hugh Jackman is a hero for the generations." (Van Helsing)


9. BILL BREGOLI (CBS Radio)
(4 Quotes. 3 Rotten Tomatoes. 2 Under 30%)
This is Bill's first appearance in the top ten since placing second back in 2007. He did make the runners-up list last year, but we welcome Mr. Bregoli back into the fold with four quotes displaying the way he perfectly bends over for intense romanticism and then climaxes with one helluva shocking pun.

"Neeson and Harris burn up the screen. Intense" (Run All Night)
"The first must-see movie of the year. Liam Neeson is intense" (Unknown)
"Intense and very scary." (Hannibal Rising)
"Better, scarier, more intense than the first." (The Ring Two)

"The most romantic ride of the year." (The Longest Ride)
"The year's first must see movie! (The Notorious Bettie Page)
"The year's first must see movie." (Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit)
"The first must-see movie of the year." (Unknown)
"The best animated movie of the year is also the funniest!" (Bee Movie)
"Better than Ice Age 2. The best animated film so far this year." (Flushed Away)
"The year's funniest movie! Grown-up or cub, two feet or four - you'll howl with delight!" (Madagascar)
"The best romantic comedy in a very long time." (P.S. I Love You)

"The most delightful culture clash since Best Exotic Marigold Hotel! Patricia Clarkson and Ben Kingsley are a perfect pair. A gem!" (Learning to Drive)
"The biggest jaw-dropper since The Sixth Sense" (The Forgotten)
"A heartfelt gem of a movie!" (House of D)
"One of the best screen pairings ever! They will have you on the edge of your seat laughing." (Rush Hour 3)
"You'll be out of control with laughter. Crazy and irreverent. Steve Carell is perfect." (Get Smart)
"A delightful eyeful. Gretchen Mol is picture perfect." (The Notorious Bettie Page)
"The perfect summer movie. Pulse-pounding pedal to the metal thrills." (The Italian Job)
"A perfect blend of humor and heart." (No Reservations)

And finally, the quote that pushed Bill onto the list for good:

"Shock and awe. Daniel Radcliffe and James McAvoy are electrifying." (Victor Frankenstein)
"A howling good time. The Dogfather of all comedies." (Mr. Peabody & Sherman)


8. JEFFREY LYONS (Lyons Den Radio)
(10 Quotes. 5 Rotten Tomatoes. 2 Under 30%)
We really just want to be done with the Lyons' for good. Ben came and went trying his time as a film critic which is apparently still does with Mario Lopez, which seems about right. Lyons Sr. continues to be a recognized name around the Hollywood scene though so his name still pops up on film ads. Honestly, we did not want to include him this year. But his quotes just make it so easy.

"Powerful" (Days of Grace)
"One of the most powerful films of the year." (North Country)
"One of the most powerful, shocking true-life dramas you are likely to see all year." (The Whistleblower)
"One of the most powerful, deeply emotional, and romantic dramas of this or any year." (Elegy)
"Dignified, powerful and everything any fan of a great movie would expect!" (Brideshead Revisited)
"Powerful, heartfelt and nostalgic, a very absorbing film. " (Local Color)
"Powerful and engrossing. " (Fifty Dead Men Walking)
"Gritty, powerful, slice of life film!" (Sleepwalking)
"Intense, powerful, intelligent and compelling!" (Into the Fire)[br]
"A wonderful, dramatic and powerful saga of the dangers of absolute power." (The Other Boleyn Girl)
"A powerful thriller..." (Suspect Zero)
"A powerful, well-acted thriller!" (The Son Of No One)
"The acting is forceful and powerful. " (Reunion)
"A quiet but powerful drama. " (The Caller)
"An astonishing, powerful story...makes for first-rate drama." (The German Doctor)
"The performances are so powerful that they will touch you deeply." (The Notebook)
"Powerful performances! A compelling drama." (Even Money)
"This is a powerful, compelling movie." (No God No Master)
"A powerful family saga with compelling performances." (White Irish Drinkers)
"A very compelling drama relevant to today's headlines with superb, powerful performances." (Torn)
"Compelling and powerful...Kristin Scott Thomas turns in top drawer work." (Leaving)
"Extremely powerful." (Defiance)
"An extremely powerful experience." (Standard Operating Procedure)
"Extremely powerful with a message vital for the world." (Trade of Innocents)
"Extremely powerful & superbly acted." (Conspiracy of Silence)
"Javier Bardem gives an extremely powerful performance." (Goya's Ghosts)
"An extremely powerful World War II drama about a man at a crossroads, forced to make almost impossible choices between friendship and survival. It's the best work Viggo Mortensen has done." (Good)
"Funny, powerful and poignant! Don Cheadle and Chiwetel Ejiofor are two of the finest actors in films." (Talk to Me)
"A stunning, powerful drama with bravura performances from two of the world's towering actresses!" (Notes on a Scandal)
"Stunning...shocking...powerful. Jon Voight gives a compelling performance." (September Dawn)

"A real crime thriller; sexy, edgy and compelling." (In the Name of the Daughter)
"Now this is the way to make a crime thriller! It's slick, it's lightning-fast, it's the real deal!" (The Bank Job)
"A fast-paced, no-nonsense crime thriller!" (The Hard Word)
"An edgy, intelligent crime drama." (The Merry Gentleman)
"An astonishing, true-to-life crime-drama with bravura performances." (What Doesn't Kill You)
"A riveting crime drama. Colin Farrell is the quintessential anti-hero of our time." (London Boulevard)
"Intense, an intelligently-written and directed crime drama with Woody Allen and the cast turning in top drawer work." (Cassandra's Dream)
"A quirky crime drama with some of the sardonic humor of Get Shorty" (You Kill Me)
"Not since Fargo has there been such a clever crime story. Witty clever and sly." (Thin Ice)
"The most riveting, stunning crime thriller since Heat. It grabs you and never lets you go." (Collateral)
"Miami Vice takes a seat right alongside Heat and Collateral as one of the finest crime dramas of our time. Nobody but nobody makes movies in quite the same way and with the unmistakable style of Michael Mann." (Miami Vice)
"A shocking, stunning crime drama masterpiece from one of the great filmmakers of our time!" (The Departed)

"One of the most rewarding films of the year." (Black or White)
"One of the most inspiring film you're going to see this year!" (Noble)
"Inspiring!" (Pride)
"Incredibly moving and inspiring!" (Motherland)
"It's inspiring and uplifting." (We Are Marshall)
"An inspiring, uplifting movie which pulls no punches." (Freedom Writers)
"Extremely touching and inspiring. An unforgettable story of courage and determination." (The Music Never Stopped)
"An inspiring story of courage." (O Jerusalem)
"Your family will love this inspirational film for the holidays!" (The Nativity Story)
"A wonderful movie that will inspire you." (Saint Ralph)
"The Final Season will inspire and entertain everyone." (The Final Season)
"One of the most inspiring films I've ever seen." (Blindsight)

"A fascinating look at someone who is truly amazing." (An Honest Liar)
"A witty, well-directed and acted story about a fascinating character." (The Wendell Baker Story)
"Nothing short of astonishing, mesmerizing and one of the most original, touching and fascinating films you are ever likely to see." (Whale Rider)
"Fascinating and exquisitely filmed!" (I'm Not Scared)
But be scared. Be very scared. Because we couldn't make this next collection of quotes up:
"A fascinating and compelling look at a driven, passionate genius." (Creation)
"A fascinating journey." (Oh My God)
"Fascinating!" (The Edge of Heaven)
"Fascinating, funny, poignant." (Jews and Baseball)
"Undeniably brilliant, mesmerizing and fascinating. It must be said: This superb film is the work of a genius." (Apocalypto)
Amazing, huh?
"A sweeping historical epic that brings overdue glory to a true hero!" (Amazing Grace)
"An amazing movie! One of the most delightful, enjoyable films you're likely to see all year. Truth surely is stranger than fiction, but it's often more fun too!" (Who the #$&% Is Jackson Pollock?)
"An amazing personal journey that will touch you deeply." (Into the Wild)
"The Wild is flat-out amazing." (The Wild)
"An astonishing journey, told in an amazing, almost matter-of-fact style which will leave you wide-eyed." (Touching The Void)
"Astonishing! Brilliant special effects, thrilling adventure, and some of the best, most amazing battle sequences you will ever see." (The Chronicles of Narnia)
"Amazing! Prince Caspian is a thrilling adventure." (The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian)
"Unlike any action film you have ever seen! Amazing!" (Unleashed)
"Amazing! Transforms the genre of the summer popcorn movie." (Transformers)

"Edgy" (Self/Less)
"Edgy and offbeat." (Jack Goes Boating)
"Edgy and provocative!" (When Will I Be Loved)
"Edgy and intense!" (Thumbsucker)
"An edgy, intelligent crime drama." (The Merry Gentleman)
"An edgy thriller with wonderful, creative & very impressive performances." (The Hunting Party)
"Daring, edgy and Keira Knightley solidifies her growing stardom with a top-drawer performance." (Domino)
"Edgy and daring. Johnny Depp's acting knows no bounds." (The Libertine)

"A thrilling modern-day film noir!" (Shanghai)
"A superb film noir-type thriller" (Spartan)
"An excellent thriller. With charismatic young stars, thrilling action sequences and intelligent direction" (Shooter)
"Sure to be the most thrilling thriller of the fall. This is the most visually exciting adventure saga, it is stunning beyond belief. A must-see movie this weekend!...superb, brilliantly conceived...sure to have serious Oscar consideration." (Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow)
"Astonishing! Brilliant special effects, thrilling adventure, and some of the best, most amazing battle sequences you will ever see." (The Chronicles of Narnia) -
Amazing! Prince Caspian is a thrilling adventure. (The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian)
"This is one terrific movie! Sahara is the most enjoyable, thrilling and entertaining action-adventure since the heyday of Indiana Jones." (Sahara)
"A breathtaking thrill ride. A perfect meshing of non-stop action with super use of top-drawer computer animation. One of the most visually thrilling movies ever made!" (Van Helsing)

Not sure how modern-day the film was considering it was set in 1941. And was supposed to be released back in 2010. The film managed a 4% score at Rotten Tomatoes thanks to a single positive review.

7. KYLIE ERICA MAR (Made in Hollywood)
(3 Quotes. 3 Rotten Tomatoes. 2 Under 30%)
We try to keep at least a minimum of quotes per contestant to qualify for the big list, but Kylie Erica Mar who has been on the fringes and barely noticeable over the past years, really exemplified the kind of blind perspective that Criticwatch loathes. She only had three quotes in 2015 but let's look at them one by one.

"The hottest ride of the year." (The Longest Ride)

Evidently falling victim to the pandering charms of Nicholas Sparks, Kylie must love her some cowboys. We hope she wasn't referring to the wartorn love story as "hot" but her use of the word "ride" to either pun up the rodeo setting - or cause she simply saw it in the title - suggests otherwise. Maybe she should hook up with Bill Bregoli. Sounds like they are made for each other. They certainly have this movie in common.

"Breakout movie of the summer." (Paper Towns)

Three months later, Kylie went for the pandering charms of teen romance author John Green. Fox hoped this would be a successful follow-up to last summer's The Fault In Our Stars, and it actually a minor one in terms of studio accounting. But a breakout film, Kylie? Never mind that you used this as a proclamation more than a prediction, but if you did the latter you should stick to your day job as the film ranked 29th on the summer box office chart behind such films as Max, Hot Pursuit and Entourage. Three Warner Bros. bombs made more than this film (including Jupiter Ascending and Pan, mind you.) A dumb statement, Kylie.

"This summer's sexiest action thriller." (The Transporter Refueled)

Then on the fringes of summer as this unwanted sequel opens over Labor Day we get this one which basically contradicts her first quote of having seen the hottest film of the year. Maybe up to that point in April, but the real point is perspective, Kylie. You have none as evidenced by your previous quotes.

"The most epic animated film of the summer!" (Epic)
"Get ready to reach for the sky!" (Planes)
"Inspiring" (Planes: Fire & Rescue)
"A tale of triumph that everyone can believe in." (Turbo)
"Cinematically breathtaking." (Exodus: Gods and Kings)
"Paranoia is a smart and quick-paced thriller." (Paranoia)
"Experience the film that keeps love alive." (If I Stay)


6. JOEL AMOS (MovieFanatic.com)
(9 Quotes. 5 Rotten Tomatoes. 2 Under 30%. 4 Warner Bros.)
Mr. Amos' output in 2015 was dampened by some health issues. While we have been critical and occasionally a bit harsh towards his proclamations since arriving on the scene a few years ago, we are not monsters. We wish him and his family well. But that does not mean we can ignore what has come before or what may be on the horizon in the future. Here is hoping that he has had some time to reflect that he is better suited to be a publicist or someone on Extra rather than someone who gives opinions on movies. Or, at least, mere hyperbole.

"Breathtaking" (Everest)
"Will leave you breathless." (Whiplash)

"Dwayne Johnson at his best. Simply jaw-dropping." (San Andreas)
"Dane Cook is at his best." (Answers To Nothing)
"The best comic cast ever." (The Watch)

"Fun" (Vacation)
"Fun for the whole family." (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)
"Fantastic fun for the entire family." (Hotel Transylvania)
"Great moves, hot music, wild fun!" (Step Up Revolution)
"The most fun you'll have at the movies this year!" (Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows)

"Uplifting. A must-see movie. Race to see McFarland, USA" (McFarland, USA)
"Inspiring and uplifting. A must-see true tale." (Chasing Mavericks)
"A triumph. A must-see." (People Like Us)
"The first must see movie of fall. Denzel delivers like never before." (The Equalizer)
"Bad Boys on steroids." (Pain & Gain)
"Steve Carell makes movie magic." (The Incredible Burt Wonderstone)
"An instant comedy classic." The Campaign gets my vote. (The Campaign)

"Wildly original. Thrilling." (Project Almanac)
"Wildly original." (The Gallows)

"Wildly original. Full of twists and turns." (Man On A Ledge)
"Gorgeous, lush and wildly romantic." (Beautiful Creatures)
"Great moves, hot music, wild fun!" (Step Up Revolution)
"A terrific thrill ride. An absolute blast!" (Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit)
"One hell of a thrill ride." (Riddick)
"The first great thriller of the fall. Sensational, riveting, & powerful " (A Walk Among the Tombstones)
"Red Dawn rocks. Riveting. Thrilling. A movie for our times. (Red Dawn)
"The most intense thriller since Bourne. (Safe House)
"The perfect thrill ride. (Premium Rush)

At least one of those words is a favorite of 2012's Quote Whore of the Year.

"Riveting. Thrilling. Will Smith is sensational. Margot Robbie is electric." (Focus)
"Riveting." (Gone)
"Riveting" (Draft Day)
"Powerful. Riveting" (Transcendence)
"Red Dawn rocks. Riveting. Thrilling. A movie for our times." (Red Dawn)
"Sensational. Delightful. The funniest movie of the year." (Think Like A Man)
"The first great thriller of the fall. Sensational, riveting, & powerful " (A Walk Among the Tombstones)
"The first must see movie of fall. Riveting. Powerful. Action-packed. Denzel delivers like never before." (The Equalizer)
-
A Walk Among the Tombstones and The Equalizer opened a week apart last year. Gone received an 11% at Rotten Tomatoes and Warner Bros.' "powerful" Transcendence got a 19%.


5. MARK S. ALLEN (aka MARK ALLEN STELL) (MovieFanatic.com)
(11 Quotes. 6 Rotten Tomatoes. 3 Under 30%. 7 Warner Bros.)
While we wish good thoughts for Joel Amos, we cannot do the same for Mark S. Allen, known around these parts as Mark Shithead Allen. Turns out his actual name is Mark Allen Stell and on December 4, 2015 he was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence. This could be chalked up to a mere mistake or lapse in judgment except he was arrested and charged with the same crime back in 2006. Having some personal tragedy in my own life with such a thing, this is behavior we cannot condone and will not forgive. Thank God nobody was hurt, but multiple offenders lose any reasonable benefit of the doubt. Good Day Sacramento has removed him from the airwaves until the matter is resolved. Here is hoping he is removed from the scene for good. We have berated him at Criticwatch for his rampant whoring for years. But those crimes are a distant second to endangering real lives behind the wheel of a machine that he should have no business in control of anymore.

"Hardcore hysterical!" (Get Hard)
"Fun and Hysterical!" ((Zack and Miri Make a Porno)
"Surprisingly heartfelt and hysterical!" (Crazy Stupid Love)
"Hysterical and heartwarming" ((Unaccompanied Minors)
"Hysterical, heartwarming and hugely entertaining!" (Happy Feet 2)
"Hysterical. Awesome. Even better than the first!" (Horrible Bosses 2)
"Hysterical! Bernie Mac is at his absolute best! Perhaps the best buddy picture ever!" ((Soul Men)
"Simply hysterical! Relentlessly funny and full of surprises!" ((Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star)
"Relentlessly funny. Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis are the new dynamic duo of comedy! Not just funny. Smart, poignant and freaking hysterical." (The Campaign)
"Will Ferrellicious! You'll laugh so hard you'll dribble." ((Semi-Pro)

"Fun and funny." (The Good Dinosaur)
"The perfect movie for the season. Fun, funny and full of good cheer!" (Leap Year)
"Fun, funny and entertaining for everyone!" (G-Force)
"Royally entertaining! Funny, fun and fabulous! " (The Princess Diaries 2)

"Terrifying...Because it could happen to you." (The Gift)
"Chilling. Provocative and completely terrifying!" (The Rite)
"One of the funniest movies of all time. The new standard for comedy. You'll be in tears." (Ted)
"It will leave you laughing long after the movie." (Gnomeo & Juliet)
"Funny, Sexy, and Smart - a triple threat! You will laugh out loud, VERY LOUD!" (Fired Up)
"You'll laugh so hard you'll dribble." (Semi-Pro)
"You'll fall for Chicken Little!" (Chicken Little)
"See this movie, do not fail! You will leave with a wagging tail!" (Underdog)
"A nail-biting, edge-of-your-seat experience that you'll remember forever." (The Ghost Writer)
"Every moment, every scene, every snowflake...Amazing! Your heart will soar and you will believe. The most remarkable film you'll see for years to come. " (The Polar Express)
"Your heart will be singing and your spirit will soar!" (August Rush)
"You will fall in love with this movie." (The Holiday)
"You'll be talking about it long after the end credits..." (Premonition)
"You'll be feeling this film long after you leave the theater." (The X-Files: I Want To Believe)
"A movie that becomes a part of you." (Charlie St. Cloud)
"This movie will become a part of you." (Remember Me)
"An extraordinary film that will leave you changed." (Blood Diamond)
"An absolutely spellbinding, dazzling film that leaves you breathless." (The Great Gatsby)
"The Rundown is quite possibly the first perfect action movie! Awesome, fun, funny with action sequences that will leave you breathless, but gasping for more." (The Rundown)
"Leaves you gasping for more! See this one again and again!" (Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines)
"The perfect mix of sexy-funny-rock-the-house action! You will see this again and again!" (Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle)
"Brilliant, engaging, and quite possibly the most original vampire movie you'll ever see!" (Priest)

Maybe you should have been thinking about what could happen to us when you got behind the wheel drunk, asshole! And please don't suggest what can happen to us when you are suggesting crap like this.

"Your new favorite holiday film is here." (Love the Coopers) - Mark S. Allen
"Every moment, every scene, every snowflake...Amazing! Your heart will soar and you will believe. The most remarkable film you'll see for years to come. " (The Polar Express)
"The feel-good movie of the season! Your heart will be singing and your spirit will soar!" (August Rush)
"You will fall in love with this movie." (The Holiday)
"The perfect holiday film!" (Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium)

That should have been a warning. Not a recommendation. Next thing you will be telling us what will get us off.

"Smart. Sexy. Unlike anything you've ever seen." (Kingsman: The Secret Service)
"Sexy. Seductive." (Hot Pursuit)
"Smart, Sexy, Sensational." (Entourage)
"Summer will go out with an amazing sexy bang. An absolute instant classic. Cool. Brilliant. Smart." (The Man From U.N.C.L.E.)

"An instant classic" (The Lone Ranger)
"An instant classic." (Flipped)
"An instant classic. The most unique, intense, satisfying film this year!" (Identity)
"The heart and soul of Rocky and The Champ...an instant classic." (Real Steel)
"Spectacular! Remarkable in every way! Destined to be a classic" (Brave)
"Like no other movie you've ever seen! Run! Don't wait! You'll fall for Chicken Little!" (Chicken Little)
"Never-before-seen effects combined with HULK-sized action!" (Hulk)
"The most sophisticated, smartest, coolest action movie in years!" (Smokin' Aces)
"The perfect mix of sexy-funny-rock-the-house action! You will see this again and again!" (Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle)
"Thrilling. Smart. Sexy. Chiling, engaging. You'll be feeling this film long after you leave the theater." (The X-Files: I Want To Believe)
"Funny, sexy & smart, the perfect summer date movie." (Alex and Emma)
"Funny, Sexy, and Smart - a triple threat! You will laugh out loud, VERY LOUD!" (Fired Up)
"Smart, sexy, sensational. Robert Downey Jr,. and Jude Law were born to play this duo!" (Sherlock Holmes)
"Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis are the new dynamic duo of comedy! Not just funny. Smart, poignant and freaking hysterical." (The Campaign)
"The perfect date movie. Smart, funny and refreshing!" (Trust the Man)
"Intense, smart and very cool!" (Disturbia)
"Funny and smart." (Get Smart)

Those last three films came out over the summer. One in May. One in June. And then he gave us this in July.

"The hottest movie you'll see this summer." (Magic Mike XXL)
"Very hot! Thrilling and totally satisfying! Like its stars, the movie is flawless and fabulous! The most sizzle you'll see this summer!" (Mr. & Mrs. Smith)
"The rare blend of hilarious and hot." (Made of Honor)
"Perfect family comedy. Herbie is hot and fully entertaining! (Herbie: Fully Loaded)

You see the essence of a quote whore, aside from lack of scruples, is no sense of perspective. To conclude Mark Shithead Allen's place on this list, consider the following quotes:

"Redefines everything." (Mad Max: Fury Road)
"Everything a romantic comedy should be!" (Fool's Gold)
"Every bit the genius you would expect from Stephen King and Lawrence Kasdan (Dreamcatcher)

Who can deny that? One would not call someone a whore for saying that about what many consider not just one of the best films of the year, but one of the greatest action extravaganzas ever put to film. However, that film opened on May 15. Two weeks later another Warner Bros. film opened and this is what Mark Suck Allen had to say.

"Edge-of-your-seat action at its best!" (San Andreas)
"Thrilling and jam-packed with edge-of-your-seat action! " (National Treasure)
"Edge of your seat, gut wrenching suspense!" (Straw Dogs)
"A nail-biting, edge-of-your-seat experience that you'll remember forever." (The Ghost Writer)
"Intelligent! Satisfying! Intense and relentlessly suspenseful! Awesome! Harrison Ford at his best. Non-stop, nail-biting, edge-of-your-seat action and suspense!" (Firewall)
"Harrison Ford is at his best" (Hollywood Homicide)
"Robin Williams is at his best." (The Night Listener)
"Damon at his best!" (Green Zone)
"Eddie Murphy at his best!" (The Haunted Mansion)
"Johnny Depp at his absolute best." (Dark Shadows)
"Bernie Mac is at his absolute best! Perhaps the best buddy picture ever!" (Soul Men)

Seriously, Mark. You just said Fury Road redefined everything and not two weeks later (or probably less you junket whore) you are saying that San Andreas' "edge-of-your-seat action" was at its "best." That is what makes you a whore in every way.

"Awesome in every way." (Entourage)
"Remarkable (in every way)" (Insurgent)

"Remarkable in every way! Destined to be a classic" (Brave)
"Amazingly entertaining! Remarkable in every way!" (Sin City)
"Enchanting in every way! Diabolically hilarious." (Lemony Snicket's A Series Of Unfortunate Events)
"A nail-biting, edge-of-your-seat experience that you'll remember forever. Truly great in every way!" (The Ghost Writer)
"Pure genius. Brilliant in every way!" (Megamind)
"The most explosive cop drama in years. Brilliant in every way." (Pride and Glory)
"One of the best movies in years! Remarkable and award-worthy in every way." (Matchstick Men)
"A masterpiece! Visually breathtaking and stunning in every way." (The Phantom of the Opera)

I take it back. THAT is what makes you a whore. As well as a menace to society.


4. MIKE ANDROSKY (Entertainers / Entertainment Studios)
(7 Quotes. 5 Rotten Tomatoes. 4 Under 30%. 6 Warner Bros.)
You know how to spot a quote whore at the poker table? You Google everyone there and the one who doesn't come up with a picture, a website or a legitimate movie review is the one. Mike Androsky has a byline under Entertainers, aka that Byron Allen "interview" show that used to pop up late on the weekends but we'll be damned if we can find anyone who ever bothered to record the dang thing. A bunch of Facebook profiles and mentions here at Criticwatch is all you would find to know that this guy even exists. Until someone can find us a photo proving as much, we will use the following photo. It looks like the guy who would say something as stupid as this:

"Redefines horror." (The Gallows)

Or this...

(1) "A non-stop party." (2) "A party from start to finish." (Magic Mike XXL)
"Fun. Frisky. A good time for everyone!" (Hot Pursuit)


Nice that he has no problem offering two variations on what kind of party Magic Mike XXL offers. Not so nice that Warner Bros. would use him to promote Mad Max: Fury Road as "Bold. Dynamic. Fierce." Those words mean nothing from the guy who said The Gallows redefines horror. But Warner Bros. likes him since he was one of the few to think last year's Transcendence was "Sensational." He also said this in 2015:

"Honest and funny. A memorable experience. Outstanding. Not to be missed." (Paper Towns)
"Side-splitting fun." (Get Hard)
"Hilarious" (Vacation)


"Hilarious," a distinction he also gave to last year's The Other Woman and Horrible Bosses 2. "A hilarious ride," that one was. But nothing so hilarious about a dumbass like Mike Androsky being used to sell movies to anyone.


3. SHAWN EDWARDS (MovieFanatic.com)
(15 Quotes. 9 Rotten Tomatoes. 3 Under 15%. 8 Warner Bros.)
Shawn Edwards has won Criticwatch's Quote Whore of the Year four of the last five years. No award for him this year though he can brag on the junket bus that he has made the Top Five for the 13th straight year. There is nothing to say about Edwards that we have not said before. Though at the end of his recap it is worth repeating what we wrote last year.

"Hilarious" (Hot Pursuit)
"Hilarious! One of the best movies of the year!" (Hairspray)
"Hilarious. Brilliant." (Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story)
"Hilarious...An all out fun experience that will make you fall in love with the magic of movies. (Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist)
"A heavenly comedy that's perfect for the entire family! Steve Carell is hilarious, touching and completely engaging." (Evan Almighty)
"Hilarious! Funnier and more outrageous than the first!" (A Haunted House 2)
"Hilarious. Funnier than American Pie!" (The To-Do List)
"Hilarious! Totally off the hook!" (Dysfunktional Family)
"Hilarious. They'll have you laugh until it hurts." (21 Jump Street)
"Hilarious! Due Date is side-splitting, roll in the aisle, can't stop laughing 'til it hurts funny." (Due Date)
"Hilarious! It's School of Rock meets Rocky..." (Here Comes the Boom)
"The wildest, funniest, most hilarious movie of the year." (Little Man)
"Totally hilarious! The funniest, craziest and zaniest teen movie ever." (Fired Up)
"Totally hilarious! Martin Lawrence has never been funnier! (Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins)
"Bernie Mac and Ashton Kutcher are flat-out hilarious." (Guess Who)
"A blast of fun. It's hilarious. Phenomenal. Total awesomeness. Will Smith is back! and better than ever. It's the best Men In Black yet." (Men In Black III)
"Heartwarming and hilarious. Eddie Murphy is a comedic genius." (A Thousand Words)
"Kevin Hart is officially the funniest man on the planet. Hilarious!" (Ride Along)

"Wickedly entertaining." (The Boy Next Door)
"A stylish and completely absorbing adventure that's totally compelling and wickedly entertaining." (Lemony Snicket's A Series Of Unfortunate Events)
"An entertaining crowd-pleaser!" (The Rundown)
"A fabulously fresh and totally entertaining battle of the sexes that both women and men will enjoy." (How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days)
"Highly Entertaining and Laugh-Out-Loud Funny!" (Hitch)
"Hugely entertaining." (Think Like A Man)
"Irresistibly entertaining!" (Kinky Boots)
"Enormously entertaining" (Once Upon a Time in Mexico)
"Wildly entertaining!" (Idlewild)
"Wildly entertaining." (17 Again)
"Totally entertaining." (Surf's Up)
"It's visually awesome, totally fun and tremendously entertaining." (Horton Hears a Who)
"Clever, original and totally entertaining!" (Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant)
"The most enjoyable and entertaining movie of the season." (Tyler Perry's Madea's Family Reunion)
"More intense and entertaining than The Departed." (We Own the Night)
"One of the most entertaining, exciting and intense movies ever made." (I Am Legend)

Speaking of intense...

"Superbly intense." (Run All Night)
"A stylistic and intense thriller that will have you guessing until the end." (The Loft)
"The twists and turns will keep you guessing until the very end." (A Perfect Getaway)
"Intense and thrilling!" (Faster)
"A creepy and intense thriller." (The Uninvited)
"Intelligent and intense." (Vantage Point)
"An intelligent and intense thriller." (1408)
"Intense! It grips you and never lets go." (Lakeview Terrace)
"Riveting and super intense." (The Call)
"An intense...heart-pounding thriller." (Straw Dogs
)
"An intense, adrenaline-pumping, edge-of-your-seat thriller." (Contraband)
"Unlock the secret of the best thriller of the year. Totally creepy and intense" (The Skeleton Key)
"Brilliant. Intense." (After Earth)


"Twice the fun." (Magic Mike XXL)
"Twice as sexy. Twice as sharp. Twice as funny." (Think Like a Man Too)
"Hilarious! Funnier and more outrageous than the first!" (A Haunted House 2)
"Better than the original." (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen)


"Arnold is back and better than ever" (Terminator Genisys)
"Jennifer is back and better than ever!" (The Back-Up Plan)
"Will Smith is back! and better than ever. It's the best Men In Black yet." (Men In Black III)
"Dolly Parton is back on the big screen and better than ever in a fresh, funny and truly joyful film!" (Joyful Noise)


"**** Instant classic. Refreshingly original. A new masterpiece that's insanely funny. Super fresh." (Dope)
"An instant classic! It's visually awesome, totally fun and tremendously entertaining. " (Horton Hears a Who)
"An instant classic." (Charlotte's Web)
"It's an instant classic." (Adventureland)
"Hotter than July! ATL is an instant classic. A totally off-the-hook crowd pleaser." (ATL)
"An instant classic! The crowd-pleaser of the year." (The Best Man Holiday)
"An instant classic like Scarface." (Get Rich or Die Tryin')

"Most refreshing comedy of the year." (Don Jon)
"Refreshingly funny and heartfelt. Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts will put the biggest smile on your face this summer." (Larry Crowne)
"Refreshingly funny, super hip and the coolest flick you'll see all year! DYN-O-MITE!" (Starsky & Hutch)
"Dolly Parton is back on the big screen and better than ever in a fresh, funny and truly joyful film! Queen Latifah is fantastic! She delivers a wonderfully joyful performance." (Joyful Noise)
"Sexy, fun and fresh! Queen Latifah and Common are perfect together. Just Wright is a soulful romantic classic you'll instantly fall in love with." (Just Wright)
"The coolest, freshest and sexiest movie about life, love and relationships in years! It's this generation's When Harry Met sally. You'll love this movie." (Friends with Benefits)
"A fabulously fresh and totally entertaining battle of the sexes that both women and men will enjoy." (How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days)
"Fabulous, fun and fresh!" (The House Bunny)
"A refreshingly cool, sophisticated and completely romantic film... " (Definitely, Maybe)
"The freshest and funniest comedy in a long time. " (Drillbit Taylor)
"A magical experience unlike anything you have ever seen. Wildly entertaining! It's a fresh, hip and an imaginative extravaganza that will dazzle and thrill audiences from beginning to end." (Idlewild)

"Insanely funny! Will Ferrell delivers another winner. " (Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star)
"Insanely funny!...off the chart comedy. You'll laugh your head off." (Semi-Pro)

"A masterpiece!" (Gone Girl)
"A masterpiece." (The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies)
"A masterpiece!" (The Grey)
"A masterpiece!" (Crash)
"A masterpiece!" (The Manchurian Candidate 2004)
"A contemporary masterpiece." (Stranger Than Fiction)
"A modern-day masterpiece." (American Gangster)
"A 100% certified masterpiece." (Sin City)
"An undeniable masterpiece!" (Grindhouse)
"An ultra-cool masterpiece! The best film of the year!" (Kill Bill Vol. 1)
"An explosive masterpiece tailor-made for those who love ultra-cool high energy action!" (Resident Evil: Apocalypse)
"A masterpiece, absolutely brilliant. One of the most powerful and moving films I've ever seen." (Tsotsi)
"A truly haunting and mesmerizing masterpiece!" (Let Me In)
"A true masterpiece!" (The Beaver)
"A true masterpiece. One of the most creative, original and visionary movies ever made." (Where the Wild Things Are)
"A groundbreaking, visionary and stylistic masterpiece." (The Great Gatsby)
"A flat-out masterpiece! A mesmerizing and haunting film that soars with creativity, stylistic genius and amazing battle scenes. " (Snow White and the Huntsman)
"A visually stunning masterpiece! (The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey)
"A stunning masterpiece that is destined to become a timeless classic." (Ray)
"A masterpiece destined to become a timeless classic." (Cinderella Man)

"Powerful. Soulful and heartfelt. A new classic for a new generation." **** (Creed)
"Soulful, emotional and powerful" (Get On Up)
"It's a soulful and heartwarming crowd-pleaser that will have you laughing, crying and cheering." (This Christmas)
"Sexy, fun and fresh! Just Wright is a soulful romantic classic you'll instantly fall in love with." (Just Wright)
"The coolest, freshest and sexiest movie about life, love and relationships in years! It's this generation's When Harry Met sally. You'll love this movie." (Friends with Benefits)
"Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson are this generation's most engaging on-screen couple. " (Fool's Gold)
"A cool sports movie for today's generation." (Crossover)
"A definite must-see. It's the rare film that transcends generations." (Bobby)

"The best love story of the year." (The Longest Ride)
"A grand slam. Paul Bettany and Kirsten Dunst both serve aces in this charming romantic comedy." (Wimbledon)
"Tremendously funny. An old-fashioned romantic comedy with a cool contemporary vibe! Debra Messing and Dermot Mulroney are a flawless match." (The Wedding Date)
"A fabulously fresh and totally entertaining battle of the sexes that both women and men will enjoy. Kate "Hudson and Matthew McConaughey are terrific together and sizzle in this knockout of a romantic comedy." (How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days)
"****! The best romantic comedy of the year! A qitty, clever and sexy romp that both women and men will find incredibly enjoyable." (Little Black Book)
"Sexy, fun and fresh! Queen Latifah and Common are perfect together. Just Wright is a soulful romantic classic you'll instantly fall in love with." (Just Wright)
"****...Rachel McAdams & Channing Tatum are amazing. The perfect movie for anyone who has ever been in love." (The Vow)
"**** Alfie is a seriously irresistible romantic comedy! I loved every second of this crazy, sexy and cool flick. You won't see a movie with more style, verve and romance." (Alfie)
"Wonderful! Delightful! Enchanting! Penelope is the most charming and irresistibly romantic movie you'll likely see all year. I loved it." (Penelope)
"The best romantic comedy of the year." (A Good Year)
"The most romantic movie of the year!" (The Twilight Saga: New Moon)
"**** One of the best romantic movies in years!" (At Last)
"Stylish and completely romantic! One of the most epic love stories ever." (The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1)

"Seductive. Mesmerizing. Incredibly sexy." (Focus)
"A truly haunting and mesmerizing masterpiece!" (Let Me In)
"A flat-out masterpiece! A mesmerizing and haunting film that soars with creativity, stylistic genius and amazing battle scenes." (Snow White and the Huntsman)
"A mesmerizing conclusion to the best trilogy in cinematic history." (The Matrix Revolutions)

As to Shawn's idea of sexy...

"Fun, sexy and smart." (Chef)
"Sexy, fun and fresh!" (Just Wright)
"Ultra sexy." (The Losers)
"Sexy cool." (Red Riding Hood)
"I loved every second of this crazy, sexy and cool flick." (Alfie)
"Sexy, stylish and altogether the coolest movie of the year." (Twilight)
"Stylish, sexy and riveting!" (We Own the Night)
"Hip, sexy and packed with laughs!" (Deliver Us from Eva)
"Twice as sexy. Twice as sharp. Twice as funny." (Think Like a Man Too)

"A seriously sexy, action-packed and completely intriguing cinematic tour de force." (Miami Vice)
"A qitty, clever and sexy romp that both women and men will find incredibly enjoyable." (Little Black Book)
-
Since Criticwatch began in 2002, Will Smith has had just four films crack 60% at Rotten Tomatoes. Another seven have received "rotten" ratings there and that is without including Shark Tale or his cameos in Jersey Girl and Winter's Tale. Good or bad, of those 11 films, Shawn has been quoted on six of them.
-
(2003) "...Year's most action-packed and high-flying flick." (Bad Boys II)
(2005) "Hitch is the Comedy of the Year. Highly Entertaining and Laugh-Out-Loud Funny!" (Hitch)
(2006) "****! Powerful and uplifting!" (The Pursuit of Happyness)
(2007) "Dynamic. Exhilarating. Exciting. Entertaining. The best movie of the year! One of the most entertaining, exciting and intense movies ever made." (I Am Legend)
(2012) "A blast of fun. It's hilarious. ****. Phenomenal. Total awesomeness. Will Smith is back! and better than ever. It's the best Men In Black yet." (Men In Black III)
(2013) "Brilliant. Intense." (After Earth)
-
That's right. Including 2013's After Earth the film that may very well be the film that marked the end of Will Smith's power at the box office. It is about time we stopped placating Edwards with any such power as well.


"****" (Entourage)
"****" (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban)
"****" (The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader)
"**** (Sherlock Holmes)
"****" (Turbo)
"****" (Death at a Funeral)
"****" (Monsters vs. Aliens)
"****!" (The International)

"**** One of the best movies of the year." (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I)
"****! Remarkable. The Matrix Revolutions is a mesmerizing conclusion to the best trilogy in cinematic history." (The Matrix Revolutions)

"**** A one-of-a-kind motion picture experience." (End of Watch)
"****. Exhilarating. Unknown is the first great movie of the year!" (Unknown)
"****...The most exciting movie of the year!" (Resident Evil: Extinction)

"**** Pure Bond perfection!" (Skyfall)
"****...Rachel McAdams & Channing Tatum are amazing. The perfect movie for anyone who has ever been in love." (The Vow)
"A perfect 10. Totally entertaining. The coolest movie of the summer. ****" (Surf's Up)
"****! Epic! One of the best vampire movies ever. Sexy, stylish and altogether the coolest movie of the year." (Twilight)
"****! The Perfect Score swings with a swagger and maverick-like attitude that made flicks like The Breakfast Club and Risky Business so cool." (The Perfect Score)
"**** Alfie is a seriously irresistible romantic comedy! I loved every second of this crazy, sexy and cool flick. "You won't see a movie with more style, verve and romance." (Alfie)
"****. Stylish, sexy and riveting!...More intense and entertaining than The Departed." (We Own the Night )
"****! The best romantic comedy of the year! A qritty, clever and sexy romp that both women and men will find incredibly enjoyable." (Little Black Book)
-
"**** One of the best romantic movies in years!" (At Last)

"**** This is fantastic." (This Is Where I Leave You)
"****. Cooper is terrific in this first-rate thriller of a movie." (Limitless)
"**** A first-rate thriller. Hitchcock would be proud. An erotic, suspenseful and chillingly scary film." (Taking Lives)
"A top-notch stylistic action thriller! ****" (Killer Elite)
"****! Intriguing and visionary!" (City of Ghosts)
"**** Incredible, intriguing, inspiring! A stylistic and provocative portrait of a true creative genius and fascinating persona." (A Man's Story)
"****! The most powerful movie of the year! Profoundly uplifting and utterly provocative. An instant classic like Scarface." (Get Rich or Die Tryin')
"The most magical film of the year. **** An instant classic." (Charlotte's Web)
"****! It's an instant classic." (Adventureland)
"**** An instant classic! It's visually awesome, totally fun and tremendously entertaining. " (Horton Hears a Who)
"A blast of fun. It's hilarious. ****. Phenomenal. Total awesomeness. Will Smith is back! and better than ever. It's the best Men In Black yet." (Men In Black III)
"***** Phenomenal. Not only the must-see movie of the summer, it's the film of the year!" (Batman Begins)
"****! One of the best films of 2003. A gripping, fascinating, brilliantly told story. A must see..." (Tupac Resurrection)
"A must-see movie ****." (Freedom Writers)
"****! A definite must-see. It's the rare film that transcends generations." (Bobby)
-
"**** A genuinely funny and touching comedy classic. You can't help but love this movie!" (50/50)
"**** You'll love this movie! Hugely entertaining." (Think Like A Man)
"Colin Farrell is unbelievably funny. **** The funniest comedy of the year!" (Horrible Bosses)
"**** Outrageously funny! The funniest movie of the year!" (Dinner for Schmucks)
"**** You won't see a funnier movie all year!" (Nacho Libre)
"****!...Hilarious...An all out fun experience that will make you fall in love with the magic of movies. " (Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist)
-
"****. Loved it! Sophisticated, charming and heartfelt! Vanessa Redgrave is sensational and Amanda "Seyfried will absolutely steal your heart!" (Letters To Juliet)
"****! Excellent! The most charming and wonderful movie you'll see all year." (The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants)
"****! Oliver Twist is a beautiful, touching and an emotionally soaring triumph!" (Oliver Twist)
"****. Irresistibly entertaining! The feel-good movie of the year." (Kinky Boots)
"****! Powerful and uplifting!" (The Pursuit of Happyness)
-
"****! One of the year's very best. An intelligent, thought-provoking and captivating film." (Matchstick Men)
"****! A brash, dynamic crime caper! A great film!" (Confidence)

-
"**** Brilliant!" (The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford)
"**** Brilliant! A contemporary masterpiece." (Stranger Than Fiction)
"Intense! Samuel L. Jackson is brilliant. ****! It grips you and never lets go. (Lakeview Terrace)
"****! Moving and gripping! Freedomland is a heart-stopping, riveting and utterly compelling film. Samuel L. Jackson delivers one of the finest performances of his career and Julianne Moore is superb." (Freedomland)
"****! Classic American Cinema. Robert Redford, Morgan Freeman, Jennifer Lopez and Josh Lucas are at the top of their game." (An Unfinished Life)


"A true masterpiece! ***** The Beaver is a crowning achievement in American cinema. Expertly guided by Jodie Foster's precise and focused direction." (The Beaver)
"*****" (District 9)
"*****. Exhilarating!" (spelled Shawn Edward on TV ad) (The Twilight Saga: Eclipse)

"Cool. Explosively entertaining." (American Ultra)
"Sexy cool." (Red Riding Hood)
"**** Alfie is a seriously irresistible romantic comedy! I loved every second of this crazy, sexy and cool flick. You won't see a movie with more style, verve and romance." (Alfie)
"A refreshingly cool, sophisticated and completely romantic film... " (Definitely, Maybe)
"Tremendously funny. An old-fashioned romantic comedy with a cool contemporary vibe!" (The Wedding Date)
"The Perfect Score swings with a swagger and maverick-like attitude that made flicks like The Breakfast Club and Risky Business so cool." (The Perfect Score)
"A cool sports movie for today's generation." (Crossover)
"Idlewild is the rebirth of the cool OutKast style!" (Idlewild)
"Pure adrenaline. It's Independence Day meets District 9, except cooler." (Battle: Los Angeles)
"An ultra-cool masterpiece! The best film of the year!" (Kill Bill Vol. 1)
"It's Kill Bill meets ER in this brilliantly stylistic, ultra cool action thriller!" (Repo Men)
"An explosive masterpiece tailor-made for those who love ultra-cool high energy action!" (Resident Evil: Apocalypse)
"XXX: State of the Union is a deliciously explosive thrill seeker's delight! (XXX: State of the Union)
"Explosive entertainment!" (Underworld: Evolution)


"The coolest movie of the year." (Entourage)
"The coolest movie of the year!" (Be Cool)
"The coolest 3D experience of the year!" (Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs)
"Refreshingly funny, super hip and the coolest flick you'll see all year! DYN-O-MITE!" (Starsky & Hutch)
"The coolest! Combines romance, action and humor. You've never seen anything like it before!" (Mr. & Mrs. Smith)
"A perfect 10. Totally entertaining. The coolest movie of the summer. ****" (Surf's Up)
"The coolest movie of the summer is one of the best of the year! A seriously sexy, action-packed and completely intriguing cinematic tour de force." (Miami Vice)
"One of the best vampire movies ever. Sexy, stylish and altogether the coolest movie of the year. " (Twilight)
"One of the coolest vampire movies ever!" (Priest)
"Stunning! The coolest and most original movie in years." (Looper)
"The coolest, freshest and sexiest movie about life, love and relationships in years! It's this generation's When Harry Met sally." (Friends with Benefits)
"One of the coolest movies you'll ever see!" (Stomp the Yard)

"The best action film ever made." (Mad Max: Fury Road)
"The most dazzling animated feature ever made." (Robots)
"The funniest trilogy ever comes to a glorious end." (The Hangover Part III)
"The most hilarious sequel ever." (Anchorman 2)
"The Funniest Movie Ever!" (Bridesmaids)
"The funniest, craziest and zaniest teen movie ever." (Fired Up)
"One of the most creative, original and visionary movies ever made." (Where the Wild Things Are)
"A magical experience unlike anything you have ever seen." (Idlewild)
"One of the coolest movies you'll ever see!" (Stomp the Yard)
"One of the coolest vampire movies ever!" (Priest)
"One of the best vampire movies ever." (Twilight)
"One of the most epic love stories ever." (The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1)
"One of the best sci-fi films ever!" (The Chronicles of Riddick)
"One of the most entertaining, exciting and intense movies ever made." (I Am Legend)

It is so incredibly sad that of all the critics praising George Miller's film as one of the greatest action films ever and helping to push it into the awards race that Warner Bros. would use this joker to promote it on their DVD cover.

"The best comedy of the year!" (The Intern)
"The funniest comedy of the year!" (Horrible Bosses)
"One of the funniest comedies of the year." (Fred Claus)
"The funniest movie of the year." (Four Christmases)
"The funniest movie of the year!" (Dinner for Schmucks)
"The funniest movie of the year" (Sex Tape)
"The comedy of the year." (Hitch)
"The best comedy of the year!" (Barbershop 2: Back In Business)
"The craziest comedy of the year!" (Waiting)
"The funniest, craziest, wildest comedy of the year." (Are We Done Yet?)
"The funniest comedy of the year. The Wayans brothers have delivered another comedy classic." (White Chicks)
"The funniest animated feature since the Shrek movies." (Hoodwinked)
"Hilarious. Funnier than American Pie!" (The To-Do List)
"The freshest and funniest comedy in a long time." (Drillbit Taylor)
"Totally hilarious! The funniest, craziest and zaniest teen movie ever." (Fired Up)
"The funniest trilogy ever comes to a glorious end." (The Hangover Part III)

THIS IS WORTH REVISITING WHAT WE WROTE LAST YEAR ABOUT EDWARDS

Last year we pointed out how Shawn "changed his mind" by going from calling The Hangover "the funniest trilogy ever" to this tweet when the third film came out on DVD. Seems like the law of averages would have reduced such a ranking. But it only goes to show Shawn's fragile state of memory and ethics when it comes to labels. In 2011, Bridesmaids opened on May 13 with the following quote from Shawn:

"The Funniest Movie Ever!" (Bridesmaids)

A great comedy to be sure. Ever? Even Kristen Wiig would debate that claim. But such a debate wouldn't last very long since since exactly eight weeks later, we saw the following from Shawn:

"The funniest comedy of the year!" (Horrible Bosses)

Stands to reason that Shawn believes Horrible Bosses to now be the funniest film of all time. Unless he "changed his mind" again like on The Hangover trilogy. Clearly he doesn't remember pulling the same trick back in 2006 when on June 16 he proclaimed:

"You won't see a funnier movie all year!" (Nacho Libre)

Then on July 14, 2006 said...

"The wildest, funniest, most hilarious movie of the year." (Little Man)

This is more than just poor memory or unbridled enthusiasm though. This is a sickness; an Ebola-like pandemic that needs to be isolated and then burned forever from the memory of marketing and American criticism. Shawn Edwards no longer gives just film critics a bad name, he gives junket folk a bad name. Like the carny who pushes the wrong buttons, gets drunk on the job and gives free lap rides. If Criticwatch cannot convince the studios or the public to recognize the hacky hyperbole offered by Peter Travers, Pete Hammond or any of the other nine names on this list, well, it won't stop us from trying. But for the love of all things that are holy, the proliferation of the Shawn Edwards name on anything associated to film is a disgrace to cinema, criticism, perspective, language and a whole bunch of other words that he doesn't understand the meaning of. Start embracing real critics and end this madness now as we announce...

This year's Pete Hammond Sloppy Seconds Award Winner...

2. DAVE MORALES (Backstageol.com/Fox TV Houston)
(16 Quotes. 10 Rotten Tomatoes. 2 Under 30%. 4 Warner Bros.)
We don't know what Dave Morales is. We just know he is not a film critic. We also know that he made a concerted effort to be a star amongst the junket whores in 2015. This is a sad, sad endeavor. He was quoted a single time in 2013. Got three more in 2014. In this third year on the Watch, he racked up an astounding 16 QUOTES. That is more than we saw from Shawn Edwards. Consider that. Backstageol.com must be as thrilled as Rolling Stone to see their name in small print alongside Morales in those ads. In fact those names together are often longer than his actual quotes.

"Amazing." (Tomorrowland)
"Visually stunning." (Insurgent)
"Wonderful. Captivating." (The Age of Adaline)
"Original." (American Ultra)

The amazing thing is how he could call American Ultra "original" when so many were quick to identify it as a stoner's version of The Bourne Identity. Or The Long Kiss Goodnight. Or Total Recall. Try it sometime, Dave.

"A masterpiece. The year's best spy film." (The Man From U.N.C.L.E.)

Dave said that two weeks after Mission Impossible Rogue Nation came out and one week before American Ultra did. Wonder if he thought it was original too. Plus who calls a Guy Ritchie film "a masterpiece?"

"Minions is a masterpiece" (Minions) - (Backstageol.com/Fox TV Houston)
"Thrilling. Terrifying. Exciting. A masterpiece." (Everest)
"Thrilling" (Chappie)

"A true masterpiece." (The Hundred Foot Journey)

Oh right, this guy. Unless he is identified quickly as a worthless blurb machine we can likely look forward to years of this.

"Creed delivers." (Creed)
"In your face powerful. Incredible. Outstanding." (Dope)
"Inspiring. Uplifting. A true story of courage." (Freeheld)
"A must-see for everyone! For sport & non-sport fans alike." (My All American)
"Non-stop laughs!" (Get Hard)
"I couldn't breathe." (The Gallows)
"The Holiday movie of the year." (The Good Dinosaur)
"Perfect holiday gift." (Sisters)



Finally, the moment you have all been waiting for. Your 2015 Peter Travers Quote Whore of the Year is.....

1. MARIA SALAS (MovieFanatic.com)
(15 Quotes. 13 Rotten Tomatoes. 7 Under 30%. 4 Under 15%. 10 Warner Bros.)
Needless to say this was one of the easiest choices in the history of giving out this award. Salas' numbers were just astronomical this year. In Criticwatch terms, she was The Force Awakens of quote whores racking up a score unheard of since the year Pete Hammond was quoted 88 TIMES! As much as Shawn Edwards wanted to keep up in 2015, he simply could not. Maria matched him quote for quote and went out of her way to really give it up for some of the very worst films of the year including Point Break, Hot Pursuit, The Gallows and more. She was only quoted on two positively reviewed films at Rotten Tomatoes and a full 10 quotes alone for Warner Bros. This was Maria's 7th straight year in the Top Ten. She won the Pete Hammond award back in 2013 and now two years later, she takes the cake and beats out the big boys to take top prize. Congratulations, Maria. May 2016 be the year we solve this problem and you are recognized as a deterrent to seeing a movie rather than someone the studios want to embrace.

"Shakes you to your core. Terrifying!" (The Gallows)
"Terrifying." (The Rite)
"Suspenseful and thrilling." (The Reaping)

"The Loft will keep you at the edge of your seat. It will keep you guessing with every twist and every turn. One of the best twists in years!" (The Loft)
"An amazing thrill ride filled with twists and turns and a great cast!" (16 Blocks)
"An action-filled thriller! It will keep you on the edge of your seat." (Knowing)
"An action-packed blood-and-metal thriller that will keep you on the edge of your seat." (The Hitcher 2007)

"An instant classic. A love story for the ages!" (The Age of Adaline)
"An instant classic." (If I Stay)
"A rare gem." (The Time Traveler's Wife)
"Epic! More action, more romance, more suspense." (The Twilight Saga: Eclipse)
"Funny & romantic. (A Good Year)
"Sweet and romantic. A cool modern twist on the classic tale." (A Cinderella Story)
"The best romantic comedy of the year!" (Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason)
"It will touch your heart like no other film this year. Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves are the best on-screen couple of our generation. (The Lake House)
"A romantic, enchanting and beautiful love story. Letters is the perfect date movie." (Letters To Juliet)
"The perfect date movie. It's Dear John meets The Vow." (The Lucky One)
"Playing for Keeps will warm your heart and make you fall in love again and again." (Playing for Keeps)

Give Ms. Salas a fantasy-based film from Warner Bros. and she will open her mouth for it. No matter how bad the taste.

"Dazzling. Mesmerizing." (Jupiter Ascending)
"Fantastic" (Clash of the Titans)
"Fantastic!" (Superman Returns)
"One of the best movies of the year. Fantastic." (The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies)
"Stunning." (The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey)
"Terrifying." (The Rite)
"Suspenseful and thrilling. (The Reaping)
"A spellbinding supernatural thriller." (Lady in the Water)
"Exciting. Wall-to-wall action." (Pacific Rim)
"The first giant adventure of the year. A giant 3-D thrill ride" (Jack the Giant Slayer)
"Awesome. Eye-popping 3-D. Pure adventure." (Journey 2: The Mysterious Island)
"A wild ride. Stunning. The most action packed fun you'll have at the movies all summer. (Green Lantern)

"Outrageous" (Get Hard)
"Outrageous" (Horrible Bosses 2)
"Outrageous. Wild" (The Hangover Part III)

"Hilarious!" (Entourage)
"Hilarious!" (Peeples)
"Hilarious" (Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows)
"Totally hilarious." (Horrible Bosses)
"Hilarious, the perfect summer movie!" (Nacho Libre)
"Hot. Hilarious." (John Tucker Must Die)
"Hilarious & irreverent!" (Scary Movie 4)
"Hilarious and irreverent. The laugh-out-loud comedy of the year!" (Due Date)
"A must see. A laugh out loud hilarious comedy. Crazy." (Hall Pass)
"Laugh-out-loud hilarious!" (Something Borrowed)
"Hilarious, laugh-out-loud funny." (Rumor Has It)
"Marlon Wayans is fantastically hilarious! Laugh out loud funny." (A Haunted House)
"Adam Sandler and Kevin James are a winning team. Perfectly hilarious!" (I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry)
"Aniston and Butler are an explosive, charming and hilarious combination." (The Bounty Hunter)

"Explosively funny." (Hot Pursuit) - Maria Salas
"Aniston and Butler are an explosive, charming and hilarious combination." (The Bounty Hunter)
"Lethal and explosive...Full of laughs!" (Next Day Air)
"Knockout funny. It's laugh out loud until you cry funny." (The Campaign)
"Marlon Wayans is fantastically hilarious! Laugh out loud funny." (A Haunted House)
"Hilarious, laugh-out-loud funny." (Rumor Has It)

"The Peter Pan legends soars to new heights A 3-D event for the whole family. An awesome adventure. Magical. Majestic." (Pan)
"Awesome. Eye-popping 3-D. Pure adventure." (Journey 2: The Mysterious Island)
"The first giant adventure of the year. A giant 3-D thrill ride" (Jack the Giant Slayer)
"The next big fantasy action adventure." (Eragon)
"One of the best sci-fi fantasy adventures since E.T." (The Last Mimzy)

"The 33 will touch your heart. It will make you jump for joy like the world did five years ago." (The 33)
"It will touch your heart like no other film this year." (The Lake House)
"You'll fall in love with Life As We Know It. Heartwarming." (Life As We Know It)
"Amazing. Incredible. Heartwarming." (We Are Marshall)
"Playing for Keeps will warm your heart and make you fall in love again and again. Gerard Butler is one of the sexiest romantic leading men in Hollywood." (Playing for Keeps)
"Grab your girlfriends and go see this summer's most heartwarming film!" (My Sister's Keeper)

"Heartwarming. An incredible adventure. Fun. The American Sniffer " (Max)
"Amazing. Incredible. Heartwarming." (We Are Marshall)
"Grab your girlfriends and go see this summer's most heartwarming film!" (My Sister's Keeper)
"You'll fall in love with Life As We Know It. Heartwarming." (Life As We Know It)
"Playing for Keeps will warm your heart and make you fall in love again and again. Gerard Butler is one of the sexiest romantic leading men in Hollywood." (Playing for Keeps)

"A fun ride you won't want to miss." (Sahara)
"You can't miss this movie. Laugh-out-loud fun." (Red)
"Fun for the whole family." (The Three Stooges)
"The most fun you can have at the movies." (This Means War)
"The most fun you'll have this Christmas." (Night at the Museum)
"The most action-packed fun you'll have this summer!" (The Expendables 2)
"The most action packed fun you'll have at the movies all summer." (Green Lantern)

You may have noticed the little pun there from Maria. Max is a dog. Not American Sniper but American Sniffer. Did someone at Warner Bros. who released Sniper come up with that? Or was it all Maria? Considering this...

"A touchdown! A real winner!" (My All American)

And this...

"The Benchwarmers is a homerun!" (The Benchwarmers)
"This film is a sure home run!" (Bad News Bears)
"The first giant adventure of the year. A giant 3-D thrill ride" (Jack the Giant Slayer)
We're guessing it is all Maria.
"Visually stunning. The must-see film of the summer. Hot. Action-packed. Sexy." (The Man From U.N.C.L.E.)
"Hot. Hilarious." (John Tucker Must Die)
"Sizzling hot!" (Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights)
"The hottest movie of the summer." (Mr. & Mrs. Smith)
"Grab your girlfriends and go see this summer's most heartwarming film!" (My Sister's Keeper)
"Spectacular! Intriguing, romantic and suspenseful! The best epic adventure movie of the summer!" (Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest)
"The greatest family adventure of the summer!" (Two Brothers)
"Hilarious, the perfect summer movie!" (Nacho Libre)
"Stunning." (The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey)
"A wild ride. Stunning. The most action packed fun you'll have at the movies all summer." (Green Lantern)
"The most action-packed fun you'll have this summer!" (The Expendables 2)
"Action-packed." (The Mechanic)
"Action-packed." (The Losers)
"The Hitcher is an action-packed blood-and-metal thriller that will keep you on the edge of your seat." (The Hitcher)

"Brilliant. Smart. Original." (Dope) - Maria Salas

In all the years we have been doing Criticwatch, we could not find a single instance where Maria Salas used the words "brilliant" or "original." Presumably because she does not know what they mean. We did find one time where the word "smart" was implied. Though the full context of it is lost in a host of other adjectives cobbled together for use by the studio in the ads.

"Smartest" (A Million Ways To Die In the West)

Maria Salas, ladies and gentlemen, the goodest quote whore on the market.

"Pure dynamite." (American Ultra)
"Explosive. Some of the most amazing real stunts ever put on film" (Point Break)
"Pure adventure." (Journey 2: The Mysterious Island)
"Lethal and explosive...Full of laughs!" (Next Day Air)
"Aniston and Butler are an explosive, charming and hilarious combination." (The Bounty Hunter)

Your 2015 Quote Whore of the Year, ladies and gentlemen. Maria Salas.



link directly to this feature at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/feature.php?feature=3891
originally posted: 12/31/15 11:26:30
last updated: 12/31/15 11:49:19
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