by Michael Collins
Where's Blade's secret diary?
It sequel-itis again at Sonic Death Monkey HQ. And we were very sick indeed when we listened to the soundtracks of the latest in the franchises of Bridget Jones and Blade.
You almost know what the Blade – Trinity music is going to be like before you see the film or hear the soundtrack CD. There's going to be some hip hop stuff, maybe some hard rockin' goth-esque stuff, a whole lot of second rate filler stuff that nobody cares about and Snoop Doggy Dogg.
I was wrong on the last count, but everything else is present and accounted for. Instead of Snoop we get ODB who's up to bat for another common trait in soundtracks: the dead guy.
ODB was a member of the Wu Tang Clan, and a couple of other men of Wu contribute to the soundtrack. The RZA provides a surprisingly commercial track in the form of, Fatal. While Ghost Face Killah (the best MC ever that's named after a main character of a satirical slasher film) is also around to make his presence felt.
It's pleasant enough hip hop, but is it just me or should hip hop be anything except, pleasant? It doesn't really fit does it? Hip hop that your mother would like? I mean give me a break.
Something that your mother may not like is techno. The middle section of the soundtrack is dedicated to the genre. A club mix of Party In The Morgue (now doesn't that sound fun) has a good driving beat, but not something that would get the dead up to dance.
Overseer provide what is probably the strongest track on the album with Skylight. It reminds of lot of Leftfield. It has a slippery and solid sound and is worth digging for. Keep that name in the back of your mind. It's stuff worth checking out if you like your beats pre-programmed.
Similar tracks aren't quite as strong - having an almost German feel to them. A little cold, but there are some warm spots to latch on. Danny Saber usually has a welcoming sound to his production work. Here he does a remix of Bombs Away for Paris Texas. Not bad, but Saber's standards are high and he will do better.
I had to wait to the last trio of songs to hear the goth-esque stuff, but it turned up eventually as expected. The tracks here from Manchild and The Crystal Method are as glossy as can be and as friendly as can be. The sort of music to listen to if you want to be a really really really scary person – or so you think when you're eleven. Not that inspiring and not worth our time and not worth a set of fake plastic fangs.
The album barely ranks a pass. There are some big names here who have achieved greatness in the past, but not with this effort.
As Monty Python have said, And now for something completely different. By different I mean something so bland that even your grand aunt who can't talk let alone walk would jump up and throw this CD out the window.
More bland than sucking on dried stale bread, we are greeted with such a an overwhelming sense of not wanting to offend anyone that you have no choice, but to be . . . well. violent really.
This is the musical equivalent of Avian drinking, calorie counting, designer bagel selecting, low cholesterol tabling, lettuce eating, pencil thin wishing, caffeine limiting, sodium sparing, sugar substituting nutrasweet sweetening, rear view mirror preening, carrot nibbling bunnies.
No, I'm not digging on you, Mr Joss Stone. No I ain't digging you at all.
What would a bad soundtrack be without some ruthless murdering of some old classics. Well, it'd be a relief, that's what it'd be.
But we get no relief as We'll Be Together and Everlasting Love are scratched across the chalk board. Sting's original version was fine enough. I would have been happy if they had used that, but no. We have to have it done again – except with the heart and soul ripped out of it while it was still breathing.
The film might be a fun distraction for a couple of hours, but really this soundtrack is best left on the shelf and left to rot.
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originally posted: 12/08/04 07:23:52