So here we are at the end of another year of quote whoring. What did we learn? That's a loaded question we'll get back to later. We know this much. Of give or take 142 wide releases in 2012, only 58 of them registered at 60% or higher at Rotten Tomatoes. That's a smidge over 40% approval. Think about how strong the year finished though. Without that November/December surge, the approval number on wide releases from January-October was only 32%. Ouch. Numbers like this suggest that the whores should be out in full force, snatching up pre-written quotes like hungry, hungry hippos and crapping them out into their score column. However, until we actually get to the two major award winners on our annual list, the whore numbers overall are down in 2012. Which means one of three things. (1) The movies are getting better and studios don't need their junketeers, part of which we have proven to be untrue. (2) The studios are starting to cut back on their reliance on junket quotes. (3) Quote whores are being used more and more on quality films that don't need their hype. That last one is the most disturbing when you see some of these names on films like Argo, Looper, Skyfall and The Dark Knight Rises. This is something that needs to be changed immediately. We'll get a bit more solution-oriented in the end here, but for now we have a countdown to get to. Welcome Criticwatchers to the 2012 Top Ten Whores of the Year!
Oh how it pains us at Criticwatch when someone from the hometown makes the list. We already have one whore in this town that hates us and I guess this will make two. But we are not the ones who should be apologizing. Cindy is not even a film critic. She is a celebrity columnist for the Chicago Sun-Times. That's right, the home of Roger Ebert. And if she wants to make her career dishing on gossip scoops and who was spotted eating lunch in town, that's all fine. But stay away from giving your opinions on movies. Tell us, Cindy, when your friends ask you for a movie recommendation do you carry around a publicist from Warner Bros. in your purse to feed you your next line? Between 2009-11 she was quoted on nine films. In 2012 it was eight. Of those 17 quotes, 14 of them were for Warner Bros.; quotes that included calling Arthur "Hilarious", Red Riding Hood "Bold" and J. Edgar as "One of the best films of the year!" Shame on Warner Bros for their continued adherence to junket quotes as we're quite positive they could have found someone better to praise The Dark Knight Rises and Cloud Atlas. Still, congratulations Cindy, you made your first Quote-Whores-of-the-Year list. And here is a sampling of why.
"Pulse pounding scary! Elizabeth Olsen is one of the best new actresses of her generation. (Silent House) - "Pulse-pounding." (Contagion)
"The party film of the summer!" (Rock of Ages) "This summer's Sex and the City." (Magic Mike) - "A holiday treat." (Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows)
"Take this journey!" (Journey 2 The Mysterious Island) "Morgan Freeman is magic!" (The Magic of Belle Isle) "Queen Latifah and Dolly Parton are magic." (Joyful Noise) - "Dazzling and magical." (Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince) - "Magical. An instant classic." (Where the Wild Things Are)
9. GREG RUSSELL (WB-TV) (6 Quotes. 3 Rotten Tomatoes. 3 Under 40%)
After a year away from the worst list, Greg Russell returns for his fourth turn in the bottom ten and his third time in the last four years. Ol' Greg doesn't exactly bombard us with his quotes but where they drop we are sure to catch them. Where there is one there are likely three more to group along with it. A late listing on Paramount's The Guilt Trip moved Greg up this list a bit. Whether you agree or not that "Streisand is a comedic genius," it is pretty obvious that Greg is not. Unless you believe clowns to be the peak of hilarity. Thus we bring you the potent quotations of Greg Russell, the man who called Transformers "The most original movie of the year."
"Clever and suspenseful. Keeps you guessing until the very end." (Man On A Ledge) - "You'll be guessing all the way till the end, and you'll still be wrong." (Taking Lives) - "Suspenseful and thrilling with an ending you won't see coming." (Orphan)
"Action packed fun" (Red Dawn) - "An action-packed thrill ride!" (The Guardian) - "Denzel sets the screen on fire in this action-packed adventure." (Man On Fire) - "Big time fun!" (Big Momma’s House 2) - "Hilarious. Fun the whole family can enjoy!" (Herbie: Fully Loaded)
"A 3-D Hit" (Madagascar 3) - "The first big hit of 2006." (16 Blocks) ($36.8 million gross) - "An out-of-this-world hit!" (Astro Boy) ($19.5 million gross) - "It's a home run! The Bad News Bears are the comedy hit of the summer!" (Bad News Bears) ($32.8 million gross)
"Chilling." (Gone) - "Chilling." (Stephen King's The Mist) - "It's thrilling, it's chilling, it's spine-tingling! It's fang-tastic! An exciting ride that harkens back to the monster magic of yesterday!" (Van Helsing)
"Funny and compelling - the wallflower blooms!" (The Perks of Being a Wallflower) - "It's a home run!" (Bad News Bears) - "Denzel sets the screen on fire..." (Man On Fire) - "Make you feel young again." (17 Again) - "Don't miss the furriest, funniest film of the spring!" (Furry Vengeance) - "Ice cold thriller." (Whiteout) - "Action, comedy and excitement...all in one package." (Next Day Air) - "Meg Ryan and Omar Epps will knock you out..." (Against the Ropes) - "A big screen adventure that will absorb kids and adults alike!" (Spongebob Squarepants: The Movie) - "Two balls up!" (Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story)
8. JEFF CRAIG (Sixty Second Preview) (6 Quotes. 4 Rotten Tomatoes. 3 Under 40%)
Hey, eyes over here. We know. It has been a full year since we started using that photo and no one has come forward to dispute it. The faceless Jeff Craig now has a face - and a body - and until someone shows us otherwise we have no choice but to believe that this is him. We actually lost track of the pig-loving Craigster for a while. After putting out there double-digit quotes for each of the last five years, he only had two through the middle of June. Where did he go? He still only finished with six but it was just enough to sneak in for his fourth straight year on the list.
"Colin Farrell is at the top of his game." (Seven Psychopaths) - "Colin Firth is in top form!" (Easy Virtue) - "...Gary Oldman is in top form." (The Book of Eli)
"Amazing." (Wrath of the Titans) - "An amazing 3-D experience!" (Alice In Wonderland) - "An amazing 3-D experience." (The Green Hornet)
"An electrifying thrill ride" (Total Recall) (yes, the remake) "One totally intense ride." (Taken 2) - "A breathtaking ride that keeps the twists coming. Intense and devilishly clever." (Source Code) - "A total blast. Insane action. The summer's biggest thrill ride." (The A-Team) - "**** Jack Black blows the roof off the multiplex. Equally amazing are the talented kids. School of Rock is a total blast." (School of Rock)
"Exhilarating. Electrifying. Irresistible. The coolest movie musical in decades. A total blast" (Rock of Ages) - "****. Exhilarating. A hugely enjoyable knockout of a movie. You'll stand up and cheer." (The Karate Kid) - "Exhilarating. Powerful." (Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps) - "An electrifying thriller that will pin you to your seat." (The International) - "****. A lovely and irresistible tale of true love...It's altogether wonderful. A pure delight." (Letters To Juliet) - "An irresistible comedy that will put a big fat smile on your face." (My Life In Ruins) - "An irresistible action comedy that's pure tail-wagging family fun." (Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore) - "****! The scariest film in years!" (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) - "Bryce Dallas Howard delivers the most incandescent big screen debut in years!" (The Village)
"Terrifically entertaining! Chris Hemsworth is dynamite. Delivers nonstop thrills and fierce action." (Red Dawn) - "Fierce, visceral and terrifically entertaining! Delivers authentically intense action. A riveting spectacle." (The Eagle) - "A powerhouse thriller that throbs with action and suspense. Denzel is dynamite..." (The Book of Eli) - "Four stars. It throbs with fierce action and suspense." (Firewall)
"**** The movie event of the year. Extraordinary movie magic" (The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey) - "The most electrifying movie event of the year. Real Steel is spectacular. Tons of fun. ****" (Real Steel) "Magical, fun and dazzles in 3D." (A Christmas Carol) "The perfect holiday entertainment for the whole family. A magical and fun 3-D experience." (The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader) - "The funniest film of the year " (Intolerable Cruelty) - "****! A knockout! You won't have a better time at the movies this year!" (Kung Fu Hustle) - "The bawdiest, most quick-witted comedy this year." (Wedding Crashers) - "**** This year’s coolest comedy!" (Monsters vs. Aliens) - "This year's coolest animated comedy. A blast of fun." (Despicable Me) - "This year's most ravishing romance." (Water For Elephants) - "The number one thriller this year." (Body of Lies) - "The surprise hit comedy of the year!" (I Don't Know How She Does It) ($9.6 million)
Oh, Mose and I go way back to a time before the existence of Criticwatch. There I was, a part of my first radio gig reviewing movies for the Jonathon Brandmeier show in Chicago when he got in touch with the one critic who saw giving a positive review to Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo on the commercials. "Insanely funny" said Mose, not knowing that he may have been indirectly responsible for the creation of Criticwatch. And a grateful nation thanks you, Mose. Whore on!
"A white-knuckle action thriller!" (Man On A Ledge) - "Wow! A white knuckle affair from start to finish!" (Eagle Eye)
"Epic" (Wrath of the Titans) - "A terrific science fiction epic! Riddick is here to stay!" (The Chronicles of Riddick)
"Funny and sexy!" (Dark Shadows) - "Stylish, sexy and spectacular!" (Once Upon a Time in Mexico) - "Explosive, funny and loaded with action! Red delivers!!" (Red) - "Action-packed, funny and unique, this is one hero you'll root for" (Hellboy)
"Romantic and steamy!" (The Vow) - "Romantic and intense. This saga just keeps getting better and better." (The Twilight Saga: Eclipse)
"Phenomenal. A brilliant love story, loaded with great surprises!" (The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2) – "Phenomenal!" (The Core) - "Brilliant!" (The Guardian) - "A delicious funny romp loaded with surprises!" (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
6. ANDREW FREUND (MySpace) (7 Quotes. 6 Rotten Tomatoes. 3 Under 40%)
Andrew is certainly no Freund to the world of film criticism, nor social media considering he's one of the last few to be associated with MySpace. (Hey, look at that, we can make puns too.) The behind-the-times whorester goes by the Ben Lyons defense when he says he brings "unique perspective" to his red carpet interviews because he once worked within the industry. We suppose that is why he straight-up asks Judd Apatow on Twitter "What is a fun little known fact about #Thisis40 that I should ask your cast about tonight on the red carpet at the premiere?" Twitter has practically made everyone a part of the industry now, Andrew. Doesn't make you special. Your interviews suck. Your taste in films suck. Your choice in profession sucks. Of the 12 films you have been quoted on in two years, 10 of them are rotten by most critics standards. (Don't try and play up that "everyman" crap either.) You should be rolled up in a red carpet and put on the back of a truck out of the country just for saying what you did about the Total Recall remake. Enough judging by us. Here is Andrew in his own words. Yeah, he sucks.
"The best romantic comedy of the year!" (Something Borrowed) - (15% on Rotten Tomatoes) "One of the funniest comedies of the year!" (What's Your Number? ) - (24% on Rotten Tomatoes) "Phenomenal." (Prometheus) "Stunning. Emotionally charged and action packed!" (Rise of the Planet of the Apes) - "Visually stunning." (The Three Musketeers) (Again, 24% on Rotten Tomatoes) "Daringly original. Thrilling." (In Time) "Thrilling" (John Carter) "Suspenseful." (Gone) - (12% on Rotten Tomatoes) "A wildly whimsical world" (Dark Shadows) "Better than the original!" (Total Recall) "Tyler Perry like you've never seen him before. An emotionally charged thriller that will have you on the edge of your seat." (Alex Cross) - (Again, 12% on Rotten Tomatoes) "A jaw-dropping end to the cultural phenomenon that changed the world." (The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2)
5. MARIA SALAS (Telemundo/Gems Television) (12 Quotes. 7 Rotten Tomatoes. 4 Under 40%)
If Warner Bros. needs someone from their junkets to choose the "laugh-out-loud" line on their list, Maria tries to jump to the front of the line. She may not move as fast as some of her peers but she must surely shout loud enough to make sure she gets in her hyperbole licks too. This is Maria's fourth straight year making the list. She was going the right way from #6 to #8 to #9. But once you are nearly the sole endorser of one of the worst reviewed films of the year (Playing for Keeps with its 3% Rotten Tomatoes rating), we had to bump her up to her highest ranking since 2006 when she finished with 17 quotes. Just two years after the world of the blurb whores seemed to survive without her when she collected just a single measly quote (for Nothing Like the Holidays). But Maria came back with a vengeance with 16 of her next 36 quotes going to Warner Bros. Can someone ask this studio why they need someone like this to hype up Argo, one of the three best reviewed movies of the year? Shame on Warner Bros again for sticking with this nonsense.
"Awesome. Eye-popping 3-D. Pure adventure." (Journey 2: The Mysterious Island) - "The next big fantasy action adventure." (Eragon)
"A spectacular and funny Snow White for all ages." (Mirror Mirror) "Fun for the whole family." (The Three Stooges) - "A magical, fantastic and wonderful fable that will capture the heart of the whole family!" (Nanny McPhee)
"Knockout funny. It's laugh out loud until you cry funny." (The Campaign) - "You can't miss this movie. Laugh-out-loud fun." (Red) - "A must see. A laugh out loud hilarious comedy. Crazy." (Hall Pass) - "Laugh-out-loud hilarious!" (Something Borrowed) - "Hilarious, laugh-out-loud funny." (Rumor Has It) - "Hilarious and irreverent. The laugh-out-loud comedy of the year!" (Due Date)
"The most fun you can have at the movies. (This Means War) "The most action-packed fun you'll have this summer!" (The Expendables 2) - "The most action packed fun you'll have at the movies all summer." (Green Lantern) - "The most fun you'll have this Christmas." Night at the Museum
"The perfect date movie. It's Dear John meets The Vow." (The Lucky One) - "Legally Blonde meets Sweet Home Alabama." (New In Town) - "Letters is the perfect date movie." (Letters To Juliet) - "Hilarious, the perfect summer movie!" (Nacho Libre) - "The perfect holiday comedy." (The Holiday)
"Best villain of the year - Matthew Fox. A must-see." (Alex Cross) - "A movie that can transform your life. One of the best films I've seen." (Bella) - "The best of the Fast & Furious movies." (Fast & Furious) - "The best film...since Finding Nemo" (Robots) - "One of the best sci-fi fantasy adventures since E.T." (The Last Mimzy) - "The best romantic comedy of the year!" (Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason)
"Playing for Keeps will warm your heart and make you fall in love again and again. Gerard Butler is one of the sexiest romantic leading men in Hollywood." (Playing for Keeps) - "You'll fall in love with this film. Perfect." (Crazy Stupid Love) - "You'll fall in love with Life As We Know It. Heartwarming." (Life As We Know It)
4. SHAWN EDWARDS (FOX-TV – Kansas City) (22 Quotes. 12 Rotten Tomatoes. 5 Under 40%. 1 at 0%!!!)
Rest assured though we still have come to bury Shawn Edwards. And then bury him again. For you see, he may have missed out on the one of the major prizes but there is at least one award he hasn't won yet and we wanted to give him something new to brag about on one of his junket buses.
Shawn Edwards is the winner of the 2012 Bag O'Douche Award. And man, did he earn it.
Far be it from us to defend Tyler Perry in any way, but the least you can always do - especially as a film critic - is to have learned what Lester Bangs told us in Almost Famous. "Be honest and unmerciful." Tyler Perry's movies suck and we cannot lie about that. But Shawn Edwards did. Right to Tyler Perry's face.
Alex Cross had the worst aggregate score of Tyler Perry's career (acting or directing.) By the end of 2012 with 142 wide releases, Perry's big action vehicle ranked 131st. Watch this clip as Tyler Perry asks Shawn Edwards flat-out if he liked the movie
And why shouldn't he say he liked it? Shawn is the guy who called Perry's Diary of a Mad Black Woman "A throw your hands in the air, knee-slapping, gut-busting crowd pleaser!" and Madea's Family Reunion "Hysterical! The most enjoyable and entertaining movie of the season" This is the same Shawn Edwards quoted on Eddie Murphy's A Thousand Words this year - a film that received the ever-rare ZERO PERCENT at Rotten Tomatoes. But there was something even more rotten here with Shawn's interview; something that may have exposed him more than ever as the fraud that he is.
On the morning of release, Shawn Edwards tweeted the following on the right. At his own Kansas City Screening Room website he wrote:
“Alex Cross is a flat out horrible movie. It lacks coherency, structure or any credible acting. And giving the job of portraying Alex Cross, memorably played by Morgan Freeman, to Tyler Perry may be the worst casting decision in the history of Hollywood. He’s awful. A mixture of dull and duller with equal parts I really need that dress. We represent the movie industry as willing participants and as a part of this industry I am embarrassed and almost sickened by the poor quality of this movie. No one should be subjective to or forced to pay money to watch this movie. It’s cartoonish, clownish and amateurish. Just a bunch if ‘ish’ Fans of “Kiss the Girls” and ‘Along Came a Spider” will be in tears. Those new to Alex Cross will wonder why the fuss? This guy is a dud."
How often does Shawn Edwards do this? Give a glowingly positive quote for a film he knows in his hardened heart is bad? The three-time Whore of the Year must now carry a full Bag O'Douche around his neck to all screenings so he can be identified like Hester Prynne. Seriously, if he has not been recognized as the whore of all whores by now, what other recourse do we have? He's a symbol of the bad studios. His name is poison. Don't take the fact that he's gone from #1 to #4 on this year's whore list. That is mostly your fault for plastering his name on great films that don't need his bullshit lies.
"Outrageously funny!" (Wanderlust) - "Outrageous. Unpredictable." (Hall Pass) - "Outrageously funny!" (I Think I Love My Wife) - "Outrageously funny! The funniest movie of the year!" (Dinner for Schmucks) - "Outrageously funny! The craziest comedy of the year!" (Waiting) - "The most outrageous and inspired comedy in years." (Youth In Revolt)
"Hilarious. They'll have you laugh until it hurts." (21 Jump Street) - "Hilarious! Due Date is side-splitting, roll in the aisle, can't stop laughing 'til it hurts funny." (Due Date)
"Heartwarming and hilarious. Eddie Murphy is a comedic genius." (A Thousand Words) - "Loved it! Sophisticated, charming and heartfelt! Vanessa Redgrave is sensational and Amanda Seyfried will absolutely steal your heart!" (Letters To Juliet) - "Refreshingly funny and heartfelt. Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts will put the biggest smile on your face this summer." (Larry Crowne) - "It's a soulful and heartwarming crowd-pleaser that will have you laughing, crying and cheering." (This Christmas) - "Wonderful! The surprise of the summer. A heartfelt, moving and touching film." (Georgia Rule)
"Dolly Parton is back on the big screen and better than ever in a fresh, funny and truly joyful film! Queen Latifah is fantastic! She delivers a wonderfully joyful performance." (Joyful Noise) - "Jennifer is back and better than ever!" (The Back-Up Plan) - "A fabulously fresh and totally entertaining battle of the sexes that both women and men will enjoy. Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey are terrific together..." (How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days) - "Sexy, fun and fresh! Queen Latifah and Common are perfect together." (Just Wright) - "Refreshingly funny and heartfelt." (Larry Crowne) - "Refreshingly funny, super hip and the coolest flick you'll see all year! DYN-O-MITE!" (Starsky & Hutch) - "The freshest and funniest comedy in a long time." (Drillbit Taylor) - "Cameron Diaz gets an A+!" (Bad Teacher) - "A perfect 10." (Surf's Up)
"Perfect for the entire family!" (Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days) - "Rugrats and the Wild Thornberrys make a winning combination! A perfect team that the entire family will enjoy." (Rugrats Go Wild) - "This comedy is perfect for the entire family! You'll be Kicking and Screaming with laughter from beginning to end." (Kicking and Screaming) - "A heavenly comedy that's perfect for the entire family!" (Evan Almighty)
"Terrific! Wonderfully told and beautifully drawn. An animated classic." (The Secret World of Arrietty) - "A classic!" (Kung Fu Panda 2) - "An instant classic!" (Horton Hears a Who) - "A family holiday classic." (Unaccompanied Minors) - "The most magical film of the year. An instant classic." (Charlotte's Web) - "It's an instant classic." (Adventureland) - "Classic!" (Intolerable Cruelty) - "An American classic." (Appaloosa) - "Classic American Cinema." (An Unfinished Life) - "A genuinely funny and touching comedy classic." (50/50) - "A soulful romantic classic you'll instantly fall in love with." (Just Wright) - "A completely inspiring, moving and motivating crowd pleaser. Gridiron Gang is a stand up and cheer classic!" (Gridiron Gang) - "Hotter than July! ATL is an instant classic. A totally off-the-hook crowd pleaser." (ATL) - "A gangster movie classic." (Public Enemies) - "The most powerful movie of the year! Profoundly uplifting and utterly provocative. An instant classic like Scarface." (Get Rich or Die Tryin') - "A hip-hop comedy classic for everyone from the 'burbs to the block." (Malibu's Most Wanted) - "Original. Classic. Action-packed and mind-blowing." (Constantine) - "One of the best sci-fi films ever! Extraordinary! A true classic not to be missed!" (The Chronicles of Riddick) - "The funniest comedy of the year. The Wayans brothers have delivered another comedy classic." (White Chicks) - "The year's best film. Jamie Foxx is brilliant. A stunning masterpiece that is destined to become a timeless classic." (Ray) - "A masterpiece destined to become a timeless classic. Uplifting and inspiring. Movies don't get much better than this." (Cinderella Man)
"Contraband delivers! An intense, adrenaline-pumping, edge-of-your-seat thriller." (Contraband) - "The Wolfpack delivers again!" (The Hangover Part II) - "Will Ferrell delivers another winner." (Semi-Pro) - "Angelina Jolie is terrific and delivers an engaging and courageous performance." (Beyond Borders) - "Ben Kingsley is riveting! He delivers a frighteningly chilling performance." (Suspect Zero) - "A heart-stopping, riveting and utterly compelling film. Samuel L. Jackson delivers one of the finest performances of his career..." (Freedomland) - "The funniest comedy of the year. The Wayans brothers have delivered another comedy classic." (White Chicks) - "Pure adrenaline." (Battle: Los Angeles) - "An adrenaline fueled thrill ride with 5x the action and 5x the excitement. It will make your jaw drop and heart pound." (Fast Five) - "The Rock puts the smack down in this adrenaline-pumping, high-octane adventure!" (The Rundown) - "A terrific thriller that will keep you on the edge of your seat! (The Reaping) - "Phenomenal! A first- rate edge-of- your-seat thriller loaded with suspense, whiz-bang action and creepy excitement" (Dreamcatcher) - "100% Exciting! Edge- of- your- seat thrill ride that's a total blast." (The Core)
"A visually stunning masterpiece!" (The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey) - "Visually stunning! You haven't seen anything like it before." (Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole)
"Electrifying. Liam Neeson has never been better. An epic adventure that will thrill you. A masterpiece!" ((The Grey)) - "The Rock has never been better." (Gridiron Gang) - "Totally hilarious! Martin Lawrence has never been funnier!" (Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins) - "A total laugh riot! Rowan Atkinson has never been funnier." (Johnny English Reborn) - "A masterpiece!" (Crash) - "A masterpiece!" (The Manchurian Candidate) - "A 100% certified masterpiece." (Sin City) - "An undeniable masterpiece!" (Grindhouse) - "An ultra-cool masterpiece!" (Kill Bill Vol. 1) - "An explosive masterpiece tailor-made for those who love ultra-cool high energy action!" (Resident Evil: Apocalypse) - "A truly haunting and mesmerizing masterpiece!" (Let Me In) - "A true masterpiece! The Beaver is a crowning achievement in American cinema." (The Beaver) - "A true masterpiece. One of the most creative, original and visionary movies ever made." (Where the Wild Things Are) - "A masterpiece, absolutely brilliant. One of the most powerful and moving films I've ever seen." (Tsotsi) - "An electrifying cinematic achievement! A modern-day masterpiece." (American Gangster) - "A contemporary masterpiece." (Stranger Than Fiction) - "A stunning masterpiece that is destined to become a timeless classic." (Ray) - "A masterpiece destined to become a timeless classic. Movies don't get much better than this." (Cinderella Man) - "Epic! One of the best vampire movies ever." (Twilight) - "One of the most epic love stories ever." (The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1)
"Rachel McAdams & Channing Tatum are amazing. The perfect movie for anyone who has ever been in love. (The Vow) - "The funniest movie of the year. Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon are terrific. The perfect holiday treat." (Four Christmases) - "The perfect family movie! Wonderfully delightful!" (Nanny McPhee Returns) - "The funniest, craziest, wildest comedy of the year. Perfect family entertainment." (Are We Done Yet? )
"You'll love this movie! Hugely entertaining." (Think Like A Man) - "You'll love this movie." (Friends with Benefits) - "You can't help but love this movie!" (50/50) - "Queen Latifah is sensational!...Audiences are going to love this movie." (Last Holiday) - "Audiences are gonna love this movie." (13 Going On 30)
"A blast of fun. It's hilarious. Phenomenal. Total awesomeness. Will Smith is back! and better than ever. It's the best Men In Black yet." (Men In Black III) - "Phenomenal. Not only the must-see movie of the summer, it's the film of the year!" (Batman Begins) - "Phenomenal! The most exciting film of the year!" (2012) - "Phenomenal! A first-rate edge-of-your-seat thriller loaded with suspense, whiz-bang action and creepy excitement" (Dreamcatcher) - "Denzel Washington is phenomenal. He's at the top of his game." (The Book Of Eli) - "Halle Berry is phenomenal. It's her finest work to date." (Things We Lost in the Fire) - "Lindsay Lohan's performance is phenomenal." (Georgia Rule) - "The best X-Men movie yet. Spectacular." (X-Men: First Class) - "Amazing! The best Resident Evil yet." (Resident Evil: Afterlife) - "The best Scary Movie yet! The laughs come fast and are furiously funny!" (Scary Movie 4) - "The best slice of pie yet! American Wedding is *!#/% funny!" (American Wedding) - "Awesome! A total blast." (Astro Boy) - "Totally awesome! So much fun you'll want to see it twice." (TMNT) - "It's visually awesome, totally fun and tremendously entertaining." (Horton Hears a Who) - "Awesome! The freshest and funniest comedy in a long time." (Drillbit Taylor)
"A flat-out masterpiece! A mesmerizing and haunting film that soars with creativity, stylistic genius and amazing battle scenes. A breathtaking experience that shouldn't be missed. (Snow White and the Huntsman) - "A truly haunting and mesmerizing masterpiece!" (Let Me In) - "Remarkable. A mesmerizing conclusion to the best trilogy in cinematic history." (The Matrix Revolutions) - "A beautiful, touching and an emotionally soaring triumph!" (Oliver Twist) - "Powerful and inspiring! Jamie Foxx and Robert Downey Jr. soar in the most moving film of the year." (The Soloist) - "One of the best sci-fi films ever! Extraordinary! A true classic not to be missed!" (The Chronicles of Riddick) - "A delightful, breathtaking experience that’s as wonderful as The Wizard of Oz and as enchanting as E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial. Magical!" (Peter Pan)
"A one-of-a-kind motion picture experience." (End of Watch) - "A mind-blowing cinematic experience." (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo) - "A movie experience everyone will love." (The Secret Life of Bees) - "It's the perfect James Bond experience for kids and teens." (Alex Rider: Operation Stormbreaker) - "A magical experience unlike anything you have ever seen." (Idlewild)
"Hilarious! It's School of Rock meets Rocky..." (Here Comes the Boom) - "It's Kill Bll meets ER in this brilliantly stylistic, ultra cool action thriller!" (Repo Men) - "It's Independence Day meets District 9, except cooler." (Battle: Los Angeles)
"Stunning! The coolest and most original movie in years." (Looper) - "The coolest movie of the summer." (Surf's Up) - "The coolest movie of the year!" (Be Cool) - "The coolest 3D experience of the year!" (Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs) - "Refreshingly funny, super hip and the coolest flick you'll see all year! DYN-O-MITE!" (Starsky & Hutch) - "One of the coolest movies you'll ever see!" (Stomp the Yard) - "One of the coolest vampire movies ever!" (Priest) - "One of the best vampire movies ever. Sexy, stylish and altogether the coolest movie of the year." (Twilight) - "The coolest, freshest and sexiest movie about life, love and relationships in years! It's this generation's When Harry Met sally." (Friends with Benefits) - "The coolest movie of the summer is one of the best of the year! A seriously sexy, action-packed and completely intriguing cinematic tour de force." (Miami Vice) - "The coolest! Combines romance, action and humor. You've never seen anything like it before!" (Mr. & Mrs. Smith)
3. MARK S. ALLEN (Mark at the Movies) (15 Quotes. 9 Rotten Tomatoes. 6 Under 40%)
Is it obvious that we like Mark Shithead Allen right in this spot? His second straight finish in third place. The first loser if you will in the race for the Whore of the Year and Sloppy Seconds Awards. His quote total was down again this year. His Whore percentage in general was nearly reduced by half. This is a positive. The mere existence of Mark S. Allen is still a negative and Warner Bros. continues to propagate it allowing him to speak for their films. Not a great year for them overall (10-of-16 wide releases with Rotten Tomatoes) but they didn't exclusively use Mark Stupidface Allen on the films that needed some easy praise. Mark Suck Allen is not the guy you use on The Dark Knight Rises or Magic Mike. You are not fooling anyone when he's already praised The Lucky One and Wrath of the Titans. Eight of his 15 quotes were for the WB this year. The guy could practically be reduced to an afterthought at Criticwatch simply by telling him "no thanks" and "shut up" whenever he approached a publicist over there. Block his e-mails. Stop wasting the time of your talent by sending them to bad interviews on his cable show.
"Triumphant! Something to inspire everyone!" (Joyful Noise) - "Fun, funny and entertaining for everyone!" (G-Force) - "One of Disney's finest. Awesome for everyone!" (Home on the Range) - "The best Spy Kids movie yet! Young, old and everyone in-between will love this movie!" (Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over)
"An epic 'Journey' for everyone. (Journey 2: The Mysterious Island) - "An epic and awesome experience." (300) - "Epic and amazing!" (Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End) - "Epic. Glorious. Unforgettable." (Australia)
"Dynamic, intense and satisfying." (Contraband) - "Intense, smart and very cool!" (Disturbia) - "Intense, intelligent & the perfect cast!" (S.W.A.T. ) - "Intelligent, thought provoking and intense beyond measure." (Premonition) - "Intelligent! Satisfying! Intense and relentlessly suspenseful!" (Firewall) - "The most unique, intense, satisfying film this year!" (Identity) - "Thrilling and totally satisfying!" (Mr. & Mrs. Smith)
"The best Underworld yet." (Underworld Awakening) - "The best Pirates yet!" (Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End) - "The best Spy Kids movie yet!" (Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over) - "The best Twilight film yet!" (The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1) - "The best Resident Evil yet!" (Resident Evil: Afterlife) - "The best dance movie yet." (Step Up Revolution) - "Hilary Duff's best film yet..." (Raise Your Voice) - "Perhaps the best buddy picture ever!" (Soul Men)
"Awesome action and intrigue, and all that is James Patterson!" (Alex Cross) "Awesome Even better than the first!" (Wrath of the Titans) - "Funny, action-packed and cooler than the first! (Ice Age: The Meltdown) - "Relentlessly wrong and funnier than the first. (The Hangover Part II) - "Even better than the original. (Iron Man 2) - "Amazing, remarkable chemistry and better than the original! (The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2) - "Charming, funny and even better than the original (Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous) - "Awesome" (The Matrix Reloaded) - "Awesome!" (Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest) - "An epic and awesome experience." (300) - "Awesome, fun, funny with action sequences that will leave you breathless, but gasping for more." (The Rundown) - "Awesome! Non-stop, nail-biting, edge-of-your-seat action and suspense!" (Firewall) - "An awesome example of movie perfection" (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban) - "Awesome! The most amazing images you'll see on the big screen this summer!" (Poseidon) - "Awesome! This summer's must-see!" (Bad News Bears) - "A is for awesome!" (Easy A) - "Awesome fun for thy whole family! Elephant sized laughs! Divine! Thou shalt laugh a lot!" (Evan Almighty) - "Zoinks, this movie is awesome!" (Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed) - "One of Disney's finest. Awesome for everyone!" (Home on the Range) - "Awesome. This is the Cinderella to remember." (A Cinderella Story)
"The best Nicholas Sparks film since The Notebook. (The Lucky One) - "The most overwhelmingly romantic movie since The Notebook. (Dear John) - "The best parent-daughter movie since The Parent Trap!" (Which one, Mark?) (What a Girl Wants) - "Fall on the floor funny and the most honest slice of high school since Fast Times at Ridgemont High" (Mean Girls) - "Not since Fatal Attraction has a movie delivered such surprising moments. (Orphan) - "Not since Alien has a movie held an audience in such relentless suspense and shock! (The Cave)
"Johnny Depp at his absolute best. Wickedly funny!" (Dark Shadows) - "Bernie Mac is at his absolute best!" (Soul Men) - "Damon at his best!" (Green Zone) - "Robin Williams is at his best." (The Night Listener) - "Eddie Murphy at his best!" (The Haunted Mansion) - "Harrison Ford is at his best" (Hollywood Homicide) - "Harrison Ford at his best." (Firewall)
"Spectacular! Remarkable in every way! Destined to be a classic" (Brave) - "Amazingly entertaining! Remarkable in every way!" (Sin City) - "One of the best movies in years! Remarkable and award-worthy in every way. Very funny and relentlessly suspenseful!" (Matchstick Men) - "A nail-biting, edge-of-your-seat experience that you'll remember forever. Truly great in every way!" (The Ghost Writer) - "Pure genius. Brilliant in every way!" (Megamind) - "The most explosive cop drama in years. Brilliant in every way." (Pride and Glory) - "Enchanting in every way! Diabolically hilarious." (Lemony Snicket's A Series Of Unfortunate Events) - "A masterpiece! Visually breathtaking and stunning in every way." (The Phantom of the Opera) - Spectacular! Visually stunning. It will blow your mind. (Speed Racer) - Spectacular! Funny…and absolutely breathtaking from beginning to end! (Meet the Robinsons) - "The heart and soul of Rocky and The Champ...an instant classic." (Real Steel) - "An instant classic." (Flipped) - "An instant classic." (Identity) - "Every bit the genius you would expect from Stephen King and Lawrence Kasdan" (Dreamcatcher) - "Sensational. This movie has it all!" (Burlesque)
"The forecast calls for magic." (Magic Mike) - "You'll fall for Chicken Little!" (Chicken Little) - "Stunning - Never-before-seen effects combined with HULK-sized action!" (Hulk) - "Over the top-under the sea action and non-stop laughs." (Spongebob Squarepants: The Movie) - "Brilliant! Funny, action-packed and cooler than the first!" (Ice Age: The Meltdown) - "Royally entertaining!" (The Princess Diaries 2) - "This is The Alamo to remember!" (The Alamo) - "A big, big winner! Queen Latifah & Common are the perfect all-star team." (Just Wright) - "Will Ferrellicious! You'll laugh so hard you'll dribble." (Semi-Pro) - "A is for awesome!" (Easy A) - "Awesome fun for thy whole family! Elephant sized laughs! Divine! Thou shalt laugh a lot!" (Evan Almighty) - "Bark out loud funny" (Hotel For Dogs) - "Tim Allen shows his comedic pedigree!" (The Shaggy Dog) - "See this movie, do not fail! You will leave with a wagging tail!" (Underdog)
"One of the funniest movies of all time. The new standard for comedy. You'll be in tears." (Ted) - "The new standard for no-holds-barred comedy!" (Horrible Bosses) - "One of the funniest movies ever made!" (The Hangover) - "One of the greatest graphic novel adaptations of all time!" (Watchmen) - "One of the most original animated films ever." (Surf's Up) - "Like no other movie you've ever seen! Run! Don't wait! You'll fall for Chicken Little!" (Chicken Little) - "Brilliant, engaging, and quite possibly the most original vampire movie you'll ever see!" (Priest) - "Perhaps the best buddy picture ever!" (Soul Men)
"Relentlessly funny. Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis are the new dynamic duo of comedy! Not just funny. Smart, poignant and freaking hysterical." (The Campaign) - "A new comedy super duo is born! Funny and provocative, with the heart and soul only Ron Howard could bring. Vince and Kevin are perfect." (The Dilemma) - "Smart, sexy, sensational. Robert Downey Jr,. and Jude Law were born to play this duo!" (Sherlock Holmes) - "Funny, charming and relentlessly honest!" (You, Me and Dupree) - "Fascinating, funny and relentlessly awe-inspiring." (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) - "Relentlessly wrong and funnier than the first." (The Hangover Part II) - "Very funny and relentlessly suspenseful!" (Matchstick Men) - "Intense and relentlessly suspenseful!" (Firewall) - "Not since Alien has a movie held an audience in such relentless suspense and shock!" (The Cave) - "Fun and Hysterical!" (Zack and Miri Make a Porno) - "Hysterical! Bernie Mac is at his absolute best! Perhaps the best buddy picture ever!" (Soul Men) - "Surprisingly heartfelt and hysterical!" (Crazy Stupid Love) - "Hysterical and heartwarming" (Unaccompanied Minors) - "Hysterical, heartwarming and hugely entertaining!" (Happy Feet 2) - "Simply hysterical! Relentlessly funny and full of surprises!" (Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star)
Congratulations to all of you whores the made the Top Ten list. But there can only be two major award winners. Not to put down Shawn Edwards' well-deserved Bag O'Douche, but this year's Pete Hammond Sloppy Seconds Winner is...
2. JEFFREY LYONS (Lyons Den Radio) (12 Quotes. 10 Rotten Tomatoes. 6 Under 40%)
We have to admit that we didn't know where we going to put ol' Jeffrey this year. On the one hand the numbers dictated he be very high up on the list. On the other you really had to know where to look to see his quotes. In other words, almost a no-harm, no-foul kind of thing for the general moviegoer. But then it dawned on us that guys like Lyons are the reason Criticwatch was founded. Names like his and Peter Travers were ones that people recognized and were lured into a false sense of security that their taste in film were elevated and that they weren't going to just lead you down any primrose path with flowery hyperbole if it wasn't justified. It is always funny when guys like Lyons praise up certain films as towering above the rest because they are for adults with attention spans. You know, the kind they don't make anymore. Well, its hard to play up that angle when you are recommending just as many films that either don't require attention spans or lose an audience's attention immediately. That should be the case whenever they say a Lyons name on an ad. Ben Lyons is where he belongs - on a celebrity-insider-gossip show like Extra. Why anyone is still using him (if sparingly) on film ads (especially good ones) is beyond us. Lyons Sr. is a little bit more under the radar these days. Unlike Travers who seems to get his time split between mainstream titles and independent fare that could use a boost from legit critics, Lyons can be seen mostly on the indie side of things. The indie side that is generally dismissed by even the most lenient of festival press. His quote total was very much down in 2012 compared to 20 last year, but these 12 were not just bad enough to outdo larger tallies by the likes of Shawn Edwards and Mark S. Allen but are wholly representative of the very thing that Criticwatch has fought against since the beginning. Granted for those who make the tasteful "to each his own" argument they can see that 10 of Lyons' 12 quotes this year didn't make the 60% favor standard at Rotten Tomatoes. Six were even below 40%. But just remember when it comes to Criticwatching, it's not always what you say, but how you say it.
"An eerie, classy, deeply engrossing thriller!" (The Awakening) - "Perfume is eerie and absorbing, at once a gorgeous and terrifying movie, a window to a bizarre incident that will mesmerize you." (Perfume: The Story of a Murderer) - "A very absorbing, engrossing saga. Sam Shepard and Jessica Lange are electrifying together!" (Don't Come Knocking) - "Powerful and engrossing." (Fifty Dead Men Walking) - "Stunning. You will be totally engrossed." (Tsotsi) - "Unforgettable. A deeply touching movie exploring an incredible range of emotions." (Departures) - "A film everyone should see. A remarkable, sweeping, deeply-absorbing epic." (The Children of Huang Shi) - "Amazing, deeply absorbing." (The Guitar) - "Superb! Deeply absorbing." (Crossing Over) - "An absorbing, deeply moving film." (Henry Poole Is Here) - "A deeply moving version of one of the most legendary love stories of them all." (Tristan & Isolde) - "One of the most powerful, deeply emotional, and romantic dramas of this or any year." (Elegy) - "A deeply moving, absorbing, fiery romantic story! Salma Hayek heats up a screen more than just about any actress of her generation!" (Ask the Dust) - "Intense, intelligent and deeply absorbing...Laura Linney may just be the best American actress of her generation." (Kinsey) - "A wonderful dreamlike story with nostalgia, poignancy and deeply absorbing performances." (December Boys) - "The performances are so powerful that they will touch you deeply." (The Notebook) - "An amazing personal journey that will touch you deeply." (Into the Wild) - "Absorbing…Will touch you deeply." (Finding Home) - "A tender, touching, deeply moving film. It people say they don't make great movies anymore, point them to the theater where this one's playing." (Mrs. Palfrey at the Claremont)
"Offbeat, unusual and thought-provoking." (Red Lights) - "Funny, offbeat and unusual." (Only Human) - "Edgy and offbeat." (Jack Goes Boating) - "Intriguing and offbeat." (The Good Night) - "Offbeat and original!" (Incident at Loch Ness) - "The film is absorbing and offbeat - a gem!" (Looking for Paladin)
"A stunning, stirring epic." (My Way) – "A stirring, stunning drama with two towering actors." (The Missing) - "It's this year's No Country for Old Men. Absolutely stunning!" (The Killer Inside Me) - "The most riveting, stunning crime thriller since Heat." (Collateral) - "A shocking, stunning crime drama masterpiece from one of the great filmmakers of our time!" (The Departed) - "Stunning and shocking! Not to be missed!" (The U.S. vs. John Lennon) - "One of the year's best. Stunning, shocking, superbly acted…" (Thirteen) - "Stunning…shocking…powerful." (September Dawn) - "A stunning, powerful drama with bravura performances from two of the world's towering actresses!" (Notes on a Scandal) - "A stunning and superb thriller! Fascinating and exquisitely filmed! One of the best pictures so far this year!" (I'm Not Scared) - "Sure to be the most thrilling thriller of the fall. A must-see movie this weekend!...superb, brilliantly conceived...sure to have serious Oscar consideration." (Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow) - "Stunning! A brilliant achievement!" (3:10 To Yuma) - "Stunning. You will be totally engrossed." (Tsotsi) -" Stunning! One of the year's best!" (John Rabe) - "A stunning story of an authentic hero!" (Catch a Fire) - "Among the best films of the summer! A stunning, romantic thriller!" (Asylum)
"Excellent! It's Jason Statham's best movie." (Safe) - "Now this is the way to make a crime thriller! It’s slick, it’s lightning-fast, it’s the real deal!" (The Bank Job) - "Brilliant special effects, thrilling adventure, and some of the best, most amazing battle sequences you will ever see." (The Chronicles of Narnia) - "Kurt Russell gives the performance of his career." (Dark Blue) - "Richard Gere and Alfred Molina give two of the best performances of their career." (The Hoax) - "One of Samuel L. Jackson's best performances" (Coach Carter) - "It's the best work Viggo Mortensen has done." (Good) - "Stephen Lang gives one of the best performances of his career. (Gods and Generals) - "It's the best work Sarah Michelle Gellar has done!" (The Air I Breathe) - "This is easily Adam Sandler's best, funniest movie. Chris Rock gives his best, most hilarious screen performance." (The Longest Yard)
"Compelling and chilling...it has bravura performances." (Stolen) "What an absolutely gorgeous film. Sure to be a contender for Acting and Picture at the Oscars. Bravura performances!" (The Eye of the Storm) - "Witty, sly, devilishly-funny, with bravura performances!" (Keeping Mum) - "A stunning, powerful drama with bravura performances from two of the world's towering actresses!" (Notes on a Scandal) - "An astonishing, true-to-life crime-drama with bravura performances." (What Doesn't Kill You) - "...a gorgeous and terrifying movie..." (Perfume: The Story of a Murderer) - "A gorgeous romantic drama. Sure to be a contender for one of the best films of the year." (Moliere) - "One of Woody Allen's finest films with bravura performances from its incredible cast. It's sure to be one of the best films of the year." (Vicky Christina Barcelona) - "Surely one of the year's best! An absorbing, provocative, intelligent, wonderful film! Ralph Fiennes and Rachel Weisz are superb." (The Constant Gardener) - "Sure to be one of the best films of the year." (Mongol) - "This is sure to be among the best films of the year." (Miami Vice) - "Sure to be one of the year's best pictures" (Days of Glory) - "Sure to be among the best films of the year." (The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio) - "Anthony Hopkins gives one of his finest, most endearing performances in what is sure to be one of the year's best films." (The World's Fastest Indian) - "Miss Jolie shows why she is one of the great actresses of her generation in this terrific true story, sure to be an Oscar contender." (Changeling) - "Oscar caliber! Sure to be one of the most honored films of the year." (The Illusionist) - "Incredibly moving and inspiring! An Oscar contender for sure." (Motherland) - "Surely one of the great films you are ever going to see!" (The Kite Runner) - "Sure to be one of the most successful thrillers of the year!" (Mission: Impossible 3) - "Sure to be this summer's family delight!" (Madagascar) - "Sure to be the most thrilling thriller of the fall. This is the most visually exciting adventure saga, it is stunning beyond belief. A must-see movie this weekend!...superb, brilliantly conceived...sure to have serious Oscar consideration." (Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow) - "Sure to be a holiday classic." (Fred Claus)
"Extremely powerful with a message vital for the world." (Trade of Innocents) - "Extremely powerful." (Defiance) - "An extremely powerful experience." (Standard Operating Procedure) - "Javier Bardem gives an extremely powerful performance." (Goya's Ghosts) - "Extremely powerful & superbly acted." (Conspiracy of Silence) - "An extremely powerful World War II drama about a man at a crossroads, forced to make almost impossible choices between friendship and survival." (Good)
"A delight!" (Hysteria) - "What a delightful movie!" (The Merry Gentleman) - "A delightful, engaging movie…everyone will love it." (A Prairie Home Companion) - "A great story everyone will love. A delight." (Hats Off) - "A hilarious honey of a movie! A delight for both kids and parents!" (Bee Movie) - "A delightful adventure for the whole family!" (Nancy Drew) - "A delight. One of the best family films of the year…as engaging as the original, and with one of the funniest screenplays of the year…" (Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian) - "The Rocker is a delight! Rainn Wilson is hilarious and young Emma Stone gives of the best supporting performances in any comedy you'll see all year." (The Rocker) - "A delight! It's bright, breezy, intelligent and original!" (White Wedding) - "Go and enjoy Last Holiday - It's a delight." (Last Holiday)
"Not since Fargo has there been such a clever crime story. Witty, clever and sly." (Thin Ice) - "A shocking, stunning crime drama masterpiece from one of the great filmmakers of our time!" (The Departed) - "Miami Vice takes a seat right alongside Heat and Collateral as one of the finest crime dramas of our time." (Miami Vice) - "Now this is the way to make a crime thriller! It's slick, it's lightning-fast, it's the real deal!" (The Bank Job) - "A fast-paced, no-nonsense crime thriller!" (The Hard Word) - "A quirky crime drama with some of the sardonic humor of Get Shorty!" (You Kill Me) - "An astonishing, true-to-life crime-drama with bravura performances." (What Doesn't Kill You) - "What a delightful movie! An edgy, intelligent crime drama." (The Merry Gentleman) - "Intense, an intelligently-written and directed crime drama with Woody Allen and the cast turning in top drawer work." (Cassandra's Dream) - "Witty, sly, devilishly-funny, with bravura performances!" (Keeping Mum) - "A witty, fast-paced, intelligent comedy." (Date Night) - "Intelligent and witty." (Second Best) - "Humorous, witty and sophisticated." (Imagine Me & You) - "Absolutely charming! Very funny and witty." (The Concert) - "Absolutely enchanting! A witty delight!" (Priceless) - "Delightful and surprisingly poignant. It's witty and yes guys, you'll love it too!" (Sex and the City) - "It's warm, brilliantly animated, with a witty script sure to have children and especially parents in stitches." (Madagascar) - "A wonderfully funny surprise…Witty, inventive, original." (Hoodwinked) - "A superb, witty look at Hollywood." (What Just Happened? ) - "A witty, well-directed and acted story about a fascinating character." (The Wendell Baker Story) - "It's funny, it's witty…This is headed to the best picture of the year list! Scarlett Johansson is one of the great actresses of her generation. Scoop is Woody Allen's finest film in years." (Scoop) - "Easily David Spade's funniest film! Funny and often witty." (Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star)
"A very touching, true-to-life drama with compelling performances." (Least Among Saints) - "An astonishing, true-to-life crime-drama with bravura performances." (What Doesn't Kill You) - "An intelligent, tender, true-to-life drama, the kind we almost never see nowadays. A movie for adults with attention spans!" (Then She Found Me)
"Once in a very long time, along comes a movie which you know while watching it you will never, ever forget. This is that movie!" (Life of Pi) - "Phenomenal…A movie you'll never forget." (The Stoning of Soraya M.) - "Unforgettable. A deeply touching movie exploring an incredible range of emotions." (Departures) - "An exquisite unforgettable journey!" (March of the Penguins) - "Superb! Provocative…with unforgettable images and a screenplay which resonates with issues in today's headlines." (Lions for Lambs) - "Unforgettable…A fitting tribute to Nazi hunter Simon Wiesenthal, one of the great heroes of the 20th century. (I Have Never Forgotten You: The Life and Legacy of Simon Wiesenthal) - "This is a smart, sophisticated, and realistic movie about love I won't soon forget. (Easy) - "One of the great films of this, or any year! It's one of those special films which, as the frames speed by, you know you're having an unforgettable experience; you can't wait for the next scene, but at the same time you want it to last. It is a film I know will stay with me forever." (The Motorcycle Diaries)
Nicely done, Lyons Sr. But finally it is here - the moment you have been waiting for. Your 2012 Peter Travers Whore of the Year is.....
1. JOEL AMOS (MovieFanatic.com) (19 Quotes. 15 Rotten Tomatoes. 7 Under 40%)
It took him three years but Joel Amos finally made it to the top of the chart. If you have not been following Criticwatch over that three year span, let us expand upon this accomplishment. Joel Amos hit our radar in 2010. With a mere seven quotes he leaped to the #2 slot on this list in his first year in a feat that can only be called Hammond-esque. In 2011 he transitioned from SheKnows.com to MovieFanatic.com where reviews were the equivalent of a few sentences about the film's trailer. All of a sudden, Amos had 16 quotes but still couldn't quite get over ol' Shawn Edwards. For the second year in a row, he finished with the Pete Hammond Sloppy Seconds Award.
As you can see above, Amos was up to 19 quotes in 2012. The more stunning number though is the collective cobbled together over three years of Joel's participation as a raging quote whore. 3 years. 43 quotes. 34 of them with Rotten Tomatoes. 21 of those under 40%. 12 of them at 25% or lower. Holy. SHIT! Studios - we know you want praise and hype, but what is a moviegoer supposed to believe if they see Joel Amos name on an ad? Almost 4-of-5 are considered not good by a nation of critics. Nearly half are considered plain bad. Over 1-in-4 is pretty much flat shit. These numbers are so stunning we may have to call back Shawn Edwards' trophies the past two years and re-award them to Amos. I mean, my God! We have proven over the years that even a broken critic is right a couple times a year and even the most trusted, respected critic can go against the grain and defend something their colleagues consider rotten. When you are consistently hyping the holy hell out of virtually everything - not just "oh I kinda liked it", mind you, but full-blown sliced bread greatness - something is wrong with you. There is a wiring in an absentee brain that doesn't qualify you even for "everyman critic" status. You don't fool us, Joel, and you sure as hell don't represent the average moviegoer. Numbers are one thing but your words sell it and we have three years worth of them. You are, unquestionably, the 2012 Whore of the Year
"The funniest comedy of the year. (This Means War) (February 2012) "The funniest movie of the year. (Think Like A Man) (April 2012) "The funniest movie of the year. (Ted) (July 2012) "The funniest film of the year. (Due Date) "The best comic cast ever. (The Watch) "An instant comedy classic. (The Campaign) "An instant horror classic. (The Devil Inside) "One of the best sports movies of all time. Brilliant. (Moneyball) "Johnny Depp is brilliant. (Rango) "Sensational. Delightful. (Think Like A Man) "Hilarious! (Going the Distance) "Hysterical. Awesome. (Megamind) "Hysterical and heartwarming. Fantastic fun for the entire family. (Hotel Transylvania) "Hysterical with a heart of gold. Hysterically funny! (You Again) "Pulse pounding (Colombiana) "Mind-bending. (In Time) "Mind-blowing. (Rock of Ages) "The Farrelly brothers have done it again. Hall pass is a comedic explosion. Insanely funny. (Hall Pass) "The Campaign gets my vote. (The Campaign) "Riveting. (Gone) "Red Dawn rocks. Riveting. Thrilling. A movie for our times. (Red Dawn) "Astounding. Reese and Robert sizzle. A love story for our times. (Water For Elephants) "Finally a comedy that's romantic and funny!" (What's Your Number?) (September 30, 2011) "Finally, a smart, witty comedy for adults." (The Big Year) (October 14, 2011) "You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll leave happy." (Life As We Know It) "Pure magic." (Super 8) "The first great romantic comedy of 2010. Jennifer Lopez is pure perfection." (The Back-Up Plan) "The year's first great adventure." (Journey 2 The Mysterious Island) "The most fun you'll have at the movies this year!" (Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows) "The most intense thriller since Bourne." (Safe House) "A triumph. A must-see." (People Like Us) "Inspiring and uplifting. A must-see true tale." (Chasing Mavericks) "Wildly original. Full of twists and turns." (Man On A Ledge) "Great moves, hot music, wild fun!" (Step Up Revolution) "Moms is marvelous!" ((Mars Needs Moms)) "A hero is born. Sweeping epic. A visual marvel. Powerful. Epic" (John Carter) "Moving, funny and epic." (Chimpanzee) "The perfect thrill ride." (Premium Rush) "The perfect summer movie." (The Sorcerer's Apprentice) "The perfect family summer comedy." (Marmaduke) "The perfect family holiday comedy." (Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked) - "Kate Hudson has never been better! The perfect date movie." (Something Borrowed]/b] "Sam Worthington has never been better." (Texas Killing Fields) "Dane Cook is at his best." (Answers To Nothing)
So what is the answer? Is it more education of the public in regards to these quote whores? Those that pay attention already know who they are. Those that don't probably don't care and will say they aren't influenced by critics of any stature. Even the most ardent fans of Criticwatch are probably tired of us repeating the same old lessons and facts year-in and year-out. Do the studios need to be better informed? The logistics behind having early hype is something even we cannot argue against. Where we can and continue to argue is that the studios are using the wrong people to hype what they have. It is time for embargoes to go bye-bye. For good. Forever. We can't think in mono anymore. Not in a 7.1 social media world. You can't suppress an entire press corps and then try to sneak a Shawn Edwards or a Peter Travers in the back door while we're looking the other way. Work with us, studios, and we'll work with you. The heart that beats inside every marketing department knows which names you want on that wall and it is time to give the Code Red to each and every one of these quote whores. Let's work together in 2013 and pave the way for a better future for film criticism and films in general. It is the reason we all exist in this industry.