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Criticwatch Presents: Pete Hammond (The 2014 Retrospective)

by Erik Childress

If the name Pete Hammond means nothing to you, consider yourself a blessed soul. Criticwatch has been burdened with this hack in critic's clothing ever since 2004. He was quoted on film ads 88 times one year; still the gold standard of whoredom that not even Peter Travers has broken ([b]though he came close with 81.[/b]) There is some hope that the marketing divisions at the studios have heeded our warnings that a Hammond quote invites instant scorn upon their product. Sometimes they have nowhere else to go and Hammond is right quick with just the perfect splash of flashy adjectives that turns a hyperbolic pond into an ocean of overreach. He was the Peter Travers Quote Whore of the Year in 2006 & 2009 and to give others a chance we simply gave him his own award to bestow on other prospective quote whore bait. The 87 times he was quoted in 2010 & 2011 have given away to just 86 over the past three. That is progress, but we still have a long way to go. Let us show you why by looking at Hammond's quotes in 2014.

We will start simply with an old stand-by - a variation on the "must-see"

"A wonderful movie not to be missed." (At Middleton)
"Not to be missed!" (The Guard)
"Brutally thrilling movie not to be missed." (Savages)
"This is a movie not to be missed and certain to become a force at Oscar time." (A Mighty Heart)
"A fascinating movie with a wonderful lead performance by Paul Bettany not to be missed." (Creation)
"A heartfelt, beautifully made film with wonderful actors at the top of their game." (The Yellow Handkerchief)
"A wonderful opportunity for memorable character studies by two fine actors at the top of their game." (The Good Heart)
"One of the most powerful films in years. Exhilarating. A movie you must see. Don Cheadle is wonderful." (Reign Over Me)
"This is the sleeper surprise discovery of the summer. The entire cast is wonderful." (Diminished Capacity)
"A wonderful piece of filmmaking. Hilarious...A great American comedy...You will love this movie." (The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters)
"A wonderful mix of humor and humanity. You'll love it!" (The Darjeeling Limited)
"A wonderful film that will touch your heart and lift your spirits." (Last Chance Harvey)
Grabs you by the heart in unexpected and wonderful ways." (Akeelah and the Bee)
"An exceptionally good comedy loaded with laughs, heart and wonderful performances. Renee is at her best! This is one to see!" (My One and Only)
"A masterpiece from Martin Scorsese. Hugo is not only a great family film, it's a great film, period. Magical, imaginative and wonderful." (Hugo)
"Sensational...dazzling...pure movie magic. A dazzling, thrilling and wonderfully entertaining brand new classic" (Oz: The Great & Powerful)
"Absolutely wonderful! A welcome gift for moviegoers, A true gem in a season of non-stop mayhem. Don't miss it!" (The Kings of Summer)
"Wonderful! A movie treat full of heart and laughs." (Gnomeo & Juliet)
"Funny, warm and wonderful with great 3D! The perfect family film in every way." (Mars Needs Moms)
"A wonderfully clever delight. The laughs don't stop coming in this richly funny and entertaining movie treat for all ages." (Hop)
"Sensational...A must-see! A wonderful and unexpected movie. Funny, touching, different, revealing and simply terrific!" (Thanks for Sharing)
"A wonderful, entertaining and unforgettable movie. Truly inspiring." (Dolphin Tale)
"The perfect summer film. One of Rob Reiner's best. A wonderful family story you won't soon forget" (The Magic of Belle Isle)
"An unforgettable, touching and wonderful movie." (The Last Song)

From there we move on to another usual suspect - one of the year's best.

"Magnificent! Not just one of this year's best documentaries, it is one of the year's best picture period." (Keep On Keepin' On)
"Simply sensational. Magnificent! Easily one of the best pictures of the year." (Saving Mr. Banks)
"The best comedy of 2011...period." (Bridesmaids)
"Not only a great family film, it's a great film, period." (Hugo)
"Magnificent. A unique and totally original vision of a not-too-distant future. Director Alfonso Cuaron is a master craftsman." (Children of Men)
"Magnificent! A ravishing, stunning epic with superlative performances. A riveting, compelling love story from a brilliant filmmaker. A must see for fans of great world cinema." (A Royal Affair)
"Magical. Madly inventive. Magnificent." (Alice In Wonderland)
"Magnificent! Will make you believe again in the power of movies." (The Great Debaters)
"Magnificent! It's the real life Lion King." (African Cats)
"Magnificent! A truly exciting, beautifully made movie." (Secretariat)
"Magnificent! An incredible, heartwarming and 100% thrilling action/adventure you won't forget." (Eight Below)
"One of the year's best pictures. An unforgettable movie experience." (Bobby)
"Truly magnificent! An inspiring, stirring, unforgettable human drama." (The Flowers of War)

Next we move on to performances and a reminder that movies begin and end.

"Gena Rowlands is luminous. A magnificent Oscar-worthy performance from one of the true screen greats. Six Dance Lessons is pure joy from start to finish!" (Six Dance Lessons in Six Weeks)
"Head straight to Cars! The perfect summer joyride from start to finish line!" (Cars)
"Pure entertainment from start to finish." (High School Musical 3)
"Smart & entertaining...It will have you laughing from start to finish." (How To Lose Friends and Alienate People)
"Riveting and suspenseful from start to finish." (The Conspirator)
"A gripping psychological thriller that will have you guessing from start to finish." (Premonition)
"Pulse-pounding. Heart-racing excitement from start to finish." (Valkyrie)
"Heart-pounding action! Total entertainment from start to finish!" (National Treasure: Book of Secrets)
"Heart-pounding excitement and a great human story! Derek Luke gives an Oscar-worthy performance. (Catch a Fire)
"Riveting. Oscar-worthy. This is a must-see with the ability to change hearts and minds." (A Better Life)
"An Oscar-worthy must-see movie for our times." (Brothers)

"Vanessa Hudgens is a complete revelation." (Gimme Shelter - 22% at Rotten Tomatoes)
"Claire Danes is a revelation..." (Shopgirl)
"Vin Diesel is a complete revelation! He's just plain terrific!" (Find Me Guilty)
"Justin Timberlake is a complete revelation, creating a whole new career for himself as an actor." (Alpha Dog)
"The real revelation is Mariah Carey. She's completely authentic and memorable in a movie that's well worth seeing." (Tennessee)

It may not be as ridiculous as another notorious quote whore calling Robert Duvall "a revelation" this year, but this is a term that needs to be re-taught to certain people.

"Visually stunning. Funny and exciting." (The Book of Life)
"Movies don't get more exciting than this." (Angels and Demons)
"Real Steel is the real deal. Exciting, funny, and heartwarming..." (Real Steel)
"Jaw-dropping, exciting and the most visually stunning and innovative science-fiction thriller to hit the screen since Blade Runner and The Matrix." (Oblivion)
"Visually stunning with brilliantly executed fight sequences..." (Jet Li's Fearless)
"An inspiring, stirring, unforgettable human drama, Visually stunning. (The Flowers of War)
"Purely delectable and visually enchanting...." (Paris 36)

The book we are actually thinking of is a dictionary.

"Funny, exciting, heartwarming. The best family movie of 2014." (Dolphin Tale 2)
"A funny, heartwarming, superbly acted film that makes you feel good about life." (Starbuck)
"Inspiring and heartwarming." A whale of a great tale." (Big Miracle)
"Hilarious, heartwarming entertainment for all ages." (Toy Story 3)
"Like Toy Story 3 this Madagascar proves 3 is the charm. Hilarious. Exciting. Heartwarming." (Madagascar 3)
"Hilarious & heartwarming." (Mr. Popper's Penguins)
"Hilarious and heartwarming. Zac Efron shoots and scores!" (17 Again)
"Real Steel is the real deal. Exciting, funny, and heartwarming...A huge winner!" (Real Steel)
"Magnificent! An incredible, heartwarming and 100% thrilling action/adventure you won't forget." (Eight Below)
"It's impossible to have a better time at the movies this summer. Roaringly funny, heartfelt and imaginative." (Despicable Me)
"A mega-funny movie loaded with laughs, action and heart." (Megamind)
"Pure family fun: Action, laughs and heart." (G-Force)
"Hugo is not only a great family film, it's a great film, period." (Hugo)
"The perfect summer film. One of Rob Reiner's best. Morgan Freeman is superb. A wonderful family story you won't soon forget" (The Magic of Belle Isle)
"The perfect holiday family film. The Avengers' of Animated movies." (Rise of the Guardians)
"The perfect family film in every way." (Mars Needs Moms)
"Perfect entertainment for the whole family." (The Odd Life of Timothy Green)
"The Longshots scores! A big winner for the whole family. Ice Cube is at the top of his game." (The Longshots)
"Monstrously funny and clever...genuine fun for the whole family." (Igor)
"It's the fairest family entertainment of all." (Mirror Mirror)
"A truly epic film that becomes the family event of the summer." (Epic)

Now we're going to start having some fun as this is the point that Hammond's words begin to converge and collapse upon each other. Prepare to have something blown.

"Amazing. Truly extraordinary. The best of this summer's blockbusters. You will be blown away. The most entertaining, exciting, provocative and powerful of all the Apes films." (Dawn of the Planet of the Apes)
"An amazing true story. It shows what real heroism is all about." (The Great Raid)
"Whimsical, exciting and entertaining..." (Inkheart)
"Mind-blowing 3-D animation." (Battle for Terra)
"A mind-blowing movie on the reasons we go to war." (Why We Fight)
"A genuine treasure trove of fun and high adventure, loaded with state-of-the-art visual effects that will simply blow you away! As good as gold." (Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest)
"It's impossible to have a better time at the movies this summer." (Despicable Me)
"This summer's great escape!" (Hit & Run)
"This summer's freshest, raunchiest, smartest comedy surprise." (The Change-Up)
"This film is unlike any other you will see this summer." (My Sister's Keeper)
"A major motion picture achievement. Stands apart as a powerful, provocative and spellbinding film." (A Mighty Heart)
"As provocative and deeply original a film as we are likely to see this year, is from title to end credits one of those choice cinematic gems. Superb performances across the board." (Little Children)
"Provocative and compelling. Don't miss it...engrossing, intelligent storytelling at its very best. The ensemble cast is superb." (The Words)
"Provocative, highly entertaining." (Love Ranch)
"Challenging and provocative." (Trust)
"Matt Damon is extraordinary." (Invictus)
"An inspiring and extraordinary true story." (The Blind Side)
"Extraordinary. An emotional powerhouse." (Extremely Loud & Incredible close)
"Extraordinary! The incredible jaw-dropping story behind the songs we've been singing for a lifetime." (The Boys)
"Extraordinary! The first truly great movie in 2011. Susanne Bier has crafted a riveting movie that must be seen. A major cinematic achievement." (In a Better World)
"Riveting, exciting, emotional and unforgettable! End of Watch is one of the year's best with extraordinary award-caliber performances from Jake Gyllenhaal and Michael Peña." (End of Watch)
"Extraordinary! Oblivion is jaw-dropping, exciting and the most visually stunning and innovative science-fiction thriller to hit the screen since Blade Runner and The Matrix. Tom Cruise delivers one of the best performances of his career." (Oblivion)
"Ordinary People meets Little Miss Sunshine...Funny, touching and quite extraordinary." (Lymelife)
"A film you won't forget anytime soon. A terrific coming-of-age movie with an extraordinary and talented ensemble cast of hot new stars. It reminded me of classics like The Last Picture Show and American Graffiti." (Skateland)

"...an extraordinary movie that dares to say...NEVER AGAIN!" (Screamers)
"The biggest and best of the series." (High School Musical 3)
"A timeless classic that ranks with the very best of animated films." (The Tale of Despereaux)
"An extraordinary new 3D version of the greatest Christmas story of all." (A Christmas Carol)
"It's the fairest family entertainment of all." (Mirror Mirror)
"A total gas! Cars 2 revs up the action and laughs. Even better than the first." (Cars 2)

"A must-see movie event. One of the funniest, freshest, most entertaining movies of the year! A dream once-in-a-lifetime cast." (Last Vegas)
"You're gonna love it! One of the most entertaining films of the year!" (Mrs. Henderson Presents)
"You are going to love this movie! One of the year's most entertaining films, like the discovery of another Sideways or Little Miss Sunshine, just as unexpected and just as good." (Bottle Shock)

"Truly Awesome." (Toy Story 3)
"Truly inspiring." (Akeelah and the Bee)
"Truly inspiring." (Dolphin Tale)
"Truly magnificent!" (The Flowers of War)
"Extraordinary! The first truly great movie in 2011." (In a Better World)
"Extraordinary! A truly epic film that becomes the family event of the summer." (Epic)
"A truly outstanding crime drama." (The Lookout)
"A truly exciting, beautifully made movie." (Secretariat)
"Truly chilling and frightening in every way." (The Last Exorcism)
"A truly frightening movie experience with a 100% certified shocked of an ending." (The Uninvited)
"A truly memorable movie experience like no other." (Paris, je Ta'ime)
"A rare original. A truly inventive and totally wacky tale of love. A real find." (Eagle vs. Shark)
"One of the best American comedies in years. The Break-Up is a hilarious, honest, edgy and painfully funny movie that truly proves men and women really are from different planets." (The Break-Up)

"Mind-blowing. A brilliant and surprising story. Soul-stirring, uplifting entertainment. Remarkably unforgettable." (Get On Up)
A genuine treasure trove of fun and high adventure, loaded with state-of-the-art visual effects that will simply blow you away! As good as gold. (Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest)
Mind-blowing 3-D animation. (Battle for Terra)
A mind-blowing movie on the reasons we go to war. (Why We Fight)
"Unforgettable, tense and inspiring. A singular true story of incredible courage when it counts the most. Brilliantly acted and directed." (Lone Survivor)
"An inspiring tale of courage." (Rescue Dawn)
"Funny, touching, inspiring." (The Help)
"Thrilling, funny, charming and inspiring." (Kung Fu Panda)
"An inspiring and extraordinary true story." (The Blind Side)
"An incredible and inspiring story of redemption and determination." (Machine Gun Preacher)
"A remarkable and inspiring true story about a man with unbelievable grit, determination and heart." (Flash of Genius)
"Timeless and inspiring!" (The Greatest Game Ever Played)
"A landslide comedy winner. Kevin Costner is pitch-perfect in the one movie that is so inspiring you'll stand up and cheer." (Swing Vote)
"Inspiring and heartwarming. A whale of a great tale." (Big Miracle)
"Truly inspiring. Grabs you by the heart in unexpected and wonderful ways." (Akeelah and the Bee)
"A wonderful, entertaining and unforgettable movie. Truly inspiring." (Dolphin Tale)
"An inspiring, stirring, unforgettable human drama." (The Flowers of War)
"Compelling, surprising, unforgettable...A must-see!" (Copperhead)
"This is a film you won't forget." (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)
"A film you won't forget anytime soon." (Skateland)
"An incredible, heartwarming and 100% thrilling action/adventure you won't forget." (Eight Below)
"A honeymoon you won't soon forget." (The Heartbreak Kid)
"A wonderful family story you won't soon forget" (The Magic of Belle Isle)
"A wonderful, entertaining and unforgettable movie." (Dolphin Tale)
"Unforgettable. " (Talk to Me)
"Riveting, exciting, emotional and unforgettable! This is one to see!" (End of Watch)
"Transports you to an alternate world of jaw-dropping awe and unforgettable adventure." (The Golden Compass)
"A towering, unforgettable epic...Director Roland Joffe returns to the stirring tradition of his greatest films, The Killing Fields and The Mission." (There Be Dragons)
"An inspiring, stirring, unforgettable human drama." (The Flowers of War)
"An unforgettable, touching and wonderful movie." (The Last Song)
"Unforgettable! Sure to be one of the year's most controversial films." (The Stoning of Soraya M.)
"An unforgettable experience!" (Warrior)
"An unforgettable experience you don't want to miss." (Fugitive Pieces)
"An unforgettable movie experience." (Bobby)
"An unforgettable cinematic experience." (Into the Wild)
"An unforgettable motion picture experience." (The Guardian)
"An unforgettable motion picture experience." (The Boy in the Striped Pajamas)
"One of the year's most satisfying and rewarding motion picture experiences. Clive Owen delivers a moving and unforgettable portrayal." (The Boys Are Back)

“Astonishing! Hendrix lives on through the sheer force and magnitude of Andre Benjamin's brilliant performance.” (Jimi: All Is By My Side)
Heath Ledger turns on the charm and burns up the screen with sheer romantic heat. (Casanova)
For sheer non-stop action and aerial thrills this movie just soars above the rest! (Stealth)

There is not much of a relationship between those last two quotes other than some musical connection to bad biopics of legends James Brown and Jimi Hendrix. Speaking of relationships though...

"The best comedy about relationships since 500 Days of Summer" (What If)
One of the best American comedies in years. The Break-Up is a hilarious, honest, edgy and painfully funny movie that truly proves men and women really are from different planets. For anyone who is, has ever been or thinks they will be in a relationship. (The Break-Up)
A smart, stylish, and funny look at relationships from the brilliant mind of Steve Martin. (Shopgirl)
"The best action movie since The Bourne Ultimatum." (Taken)
"A relentless suspense thriller with a jaw-dropping twist that will leave you on the edge of your seat. This year's Bourne Ultimatum." (Traitor)
"Extraordinary! Oblivion is jaw-dropping, exciting and the most visually stunning and innovative science-fiction thriller to hit the screen since Blade Runner and The Matrix." (Oblivion)
"William Friedkin's most daring movie since The Exorcist! It will crawl under your skin!" (Bug)
"Scene for scene the most explosively funny movie Ben Stiller and the Farrelly Brothers have made since There's Something About Mary." (The Heartbreak Kid)
"The greatest animated triumph since Toy Story 3." (Rio)
"The most wondrous film of its kind since E.T." (The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep)
"The most visually inventive, trailblazing film of its kind in light years." (Wanted)

"So smart. So funny. So real. A rich and wonderful film about the mystery of relationships. Not to be missed." (Two Night Stand - 32% on Rotten Tomatoes)
"These boots are made for rocking. Puss In Boots is so funny, so charming and so irresistible, one look into his eyes and you'll be swept away." (Puss In Boots)
"Not to be missed!" (The Guard)
"This is a movie not to be missed and certain to become a force at Oscar time." (A Mighty Heart)
"Brutally thrilling movie not to be missed." (Savages)
"A rich, complex and galvanizing look at the CIA." (The Good Shepherd)
"A vibrant, funny, moving, highly entertaining and richly rewarding movie experience!" (Talk to Me)
"Grabs you with its epic scope and richly human story." (Jet Li's Fearless)
"A rich, romantic and captivating movie experience." (Princess Kaiulani)
"A smart, stylish, and funny look at relationships from the brilliant mind of Steve Martin." (Shopgirl)
"A hilarious, honest, edgy and painfully funny movie that truly proves men and women really are from different planets. For anyone who is, has ever been or thinks they will be in a relationship." (The Break-Up)
"A rich entertainment, the kind of smart, sophisticated adult comedy that rarely comes along these days." (Darling Companion)
"It's that rare achievement moviegoers around the world should be deeply thankful for. A richly entertaining and remarkable film that manages to reveal the humanity in all of us." (Joyeux Noel)
"Rich and involving. A fascinating movie with a wonderful lad performance by Paul Bettany not to be missed." (Creation)

Ending that string on a film about Charles Darwin, it is fitting that we now move to the evolution of Pete Hammond's funny bone over the course of 2014. We begin as he did with the notion that the Kevin Hart/Ice Cube pairing of Ride Along was "hilarious", an adjective that later describes Bill Murray's St. Vincent. But the rest of these quotes are in order as delivered by Mr. Hammond.

"Hilarious!" (Ride Along - 17% on Rotten Tomatoes)
"Hilarious!" (St. Vincent)

"Hilarious" (WALL-E)
"Hilarious and lots of fun for everyone." (Enchanted)
"A hilarious comedy event. A mega-funny movie loaded with laughs, action and heart." (Megamind)
"Hilarious! Pure family fun: Action, laughs and heart." (G-Force)
"Awesome! Hilarious! More laughs, excitement and heart than any other comedy this year." (Bolt)
"Truly Awesome. Hilarious, heartwarming entertainment for all ages." (Toy Story 3)
"Like Toy Story 3 this Madagascar proves 3 is the charm. It's easily the best one yet! Hilarious. Exciting. Heartwarming." (Madagascar 3)
"Hilarious & heartwarming." (Mr. Popper's Penguins)
"Hilarious and heartwarming. Zac Efron shoots and scores!" (17 Again)
"Hilarious...A great American comedy..." (The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters)
"Hilarious. A sizzling summer smash." (The Heat)
"Outrageously hilarious! The sleeper hit of the summer. An unexpectedly smart comedy." (The 40-Year Old Virgin)
"Flat-out hilarious. A terrific, smart and really funny comedy." (Extract)
"Movies don't get any funnier than this! Smart, sophisticated and hilarious." (It's Complicated)
"One of the best American comedies in years. A hilarious, honest, edgy and painfully funny movie that truly proves men and women really are from different planets." (The Break-Up)
"Ben Stiller's funniest film. Brace yourself for an outrageously hilarious comedy." (The Heartbreak Kid)
"An absolutely hilarious, rousing and joyous celebration that will have you dancing in the aisles and smiling for days. What a movie! A guaranteed cure for the summertime blues. You'll want to line up and see it again the minute it ends." (Mamma Mia)
"Gorgeously entertaining! Tops Sex and the City in every way. Hilarious flat-out fun...see it!" (The Women)
"Hilariously spoofs the movies we love and gets big laughs all the way." (Be Kind Rewind)
"Destined to become the most hilarious rock epic ever. (Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny)
"Check your brain at the door for this hilarious and unapologetically raunchy yukfest. You'll laugh your Heineken off!" (Beerfest)
"Hilarious! It's a blast! The comic force is with Fanboys." (Fanboys)
"Hilarious! Confessions is a nonstop laughing spree." (Confessions of a Shopaholic)
"A doggone hilarious treat!" (The Shaggy Dog)

"Great is the word! The funniest, smartest, most entertaining comedy in a very long time. The entire cast is perfection. Jason Bateman's directorial debut is spectacular." (Bad Words)
"Smart, witty and genuinely human comedy...The entire cast is wonderful." (Diminished Capacity)
"The entire cast is brilliant. Funny, touching, inspiring." (The Help)
"The entire cast is hysterical." (Lottery Ticket)
"Exciting and powerful. The entire cast is superb." (Miracle at St. Anna)
"Smart, sexy and funny. Something Borrowed is something terrific. The entire cast shines!" (Something Borrowed)
"A must-see movie event. One of the funniest, freshest, most entertaining movies of the year! A dream once-in-a-lifetime cast." (Last Vegas)
"Terrific fun! A funny, romantic, seriously smart comedy." (Starter for 10)
"Flat-out hilarious. A terrific, smart and really funny comedy." (Extract)
"A fast-paced, smart and exciting black comedy." (The Hunting Party)
"A true gem! A rich entertainment, the kind of smart, sophisticated adult comedy that rarely comes along these days." (Darling Companion)
"Pure delight. A smart, original comedy treat." (Salmon Fishing in the Yemen)
"The surprise movie comedy treat of the year!..." (Lars and the Real Girl)
"A comedy surprise!" ((Untitled))
"The adult comedy surprise of the year." (What Just Happened?)
"This summer's freshest, raunchiest, smartest comedy surprise." (The Change-Up)
"Outrageously hilarious! The sleeper hit of the summer. An unexpectedly smart comedy." (The 40-Year Old Virgin)
"One of this year's most unexpected comedy surprises! The Ringer gets the gold medal for genuine heart and comic inspiration." (The Ringer)
"Blades of Glory is pure hilarity, a gold medal comedy winner." (Blades of Glory)
"A landslide comedy winner." (Swing Vote)
"The most purely entertaining and inventive animated comedy of the year. It's raining big food and big laughs." (Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs)
"One comedy will have you begging for more!" (Hotel for Dogs)
"A great time at the movies for everyone! Huge laughs, spectacular special effects and the pure animal magnetism of Steve Carell make this the summer movie comedy event that proves to be every bit as much fun as it's meant to be - times two!" (Evan Almighty)
"One of the funniest films this year." (The Big Year)
"The funniest film of the year!" (Shrek: The Final Chapter)
"The year's funniest comedy. Monstrous laughs!" (Monsters vs. Aliens)
"The funniest movie of the summer." (Up)
"The best comedy of 2011...period. More laugh out loud moments...than any comedy in memory." (Bridesmaids)
"The perfect summer comedy." (Larry Crowne)
"Riotously funny! Without question the year's best comedy." (The Proposal)
"Awesome! Hilarious! More laughs, excitement and heart than any other comedy this year." (Bolt)
"The comedy you don't want to miss this holiday season." (Yes Man)
"One of the most touching love stories the screen has seen in a long time." (Carol Channing: Larger Than Life)
"A treasure chest full of laughs! One of the funniest animated films in years." (The Pirates!: Band of Misfits)
"Chasing a dream has never been this much fun. Disney Pixar's funniest movie ever!" (Ratatouille)
"One of the funniest films in many years." (Borat)
"Ben Stiller's funniest film." (The Heartbreak Kid)
"Woody Allen is back in style with his funniest movie in many years." (Scoop)
"Smart and riotously funny with DeNiro's best screen work in years." (What Just Happened?)
"Robin Williams turns in his smartest, funniest performance in at least a decade." (Man of the Year)

Keep your eye on the puns...and the telling tagline on one of these films

"The most delicious comedy you'll see all year! Highly entertaining! It's got it all: Laughs. Warmth. Terrific actors and lots of mouthwatering food. A real winner not to be missed!" (Chef)
"Grand indeed! An absolute treat. Hilarious, heartfelt and not to be missed under any circumstances." (The Grand Seduction)

"Not to be missed!" (The Guard)
"This is a movie not to be missed and certain to become a force at Oscar time." (A Mighty Heart)
"Brutally thrilling movie not to be missed." (Savages)
"A fascinating movie with a wonderful lead performance by Paul Bettany not to be missed." (Creation)
"A smart, original comedy treat. This is one to see!" (Salmon Fishing in the Yemen)
"One of the year's most spectacularly visual film treats." (Curse of the Golden Flower)
"Wonderful! A movie treat full of heart and laughs." (Gnomeo & Juliet)
"A wonderfully clever delight. The laughs don't stop coming in this richly funny and entertaining movie treat for all ages." (Hop)
"A delicious movie treat." (The Hoax)
"A doggone hilarious treat!" (The Shaggy Dog)
"The surprise movie comedy treat of the year!...This is the real deal!" (Lars and the Real Girl)
"Real Steel is the real deal." (Real Steel)
"Red 2 is red hot!" (Red 2)
"Something Borrowed is something terrific." (Something Borrowed)
"People Like Us is for people who love great movies." (People Like Us)
"This time the Hulk really IS incredible." (The Incredible Hulk)
"A truly epic film that becomes the family event of the summer." (Epic)
"Will keep you on the edge of your seat." (Edge of Darkness)
"A first-rate thriller!" (First Snow)
"A fearless piece of American cinema." (American Hustle)
"Do yourself a favor and crash this 'Wedding'!" (Wedding Crashers)
"Will have you talking long after leaving the theatre." (Talk to Me)
"Destined to become the most hilarious rock epic ever." (Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny)
"A mega-funny movie loaded with laughs, action and heart." (Megamind)
"Jumps waaaaaay over the top on the laugh meter!" (Over the Hedge)
"This time around the fast and furious action is simply off the charts!" (The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift)
"Super great in every way." (Superbad)
"A doggone hilarious treat!" (The Shaggy Dog)
"Monstrous laughs!" (Monsters vs. Aliens)
"These boots are made for rocking." (Puss In Boots)
"Nobel takes the prize." (Nobel Son)

"A terrifically entertaining comedy unlike any other you'll see this year. Simon Pegg and Rosamund Pike are splendid." (Hector and the Search for Happiness - 36% at Rotten Tomatoes)
"A haunting and remarkable emotional journey that takes us places movies rarely dare to go. This is a film guaranteed to be unlike any other you will see this year." (The Fountain)
"A timeless masterwork! Jarhead is one of this year's can't-miss movies, unlike any other war film you will ever see." (Jarhead)
"Night Watch is unlike anything you've ever seen!" (Nightwatch)
"This film is unlike any other you will see this summer." (My Sister's Keeper)

"Night at the Museum is roaringly funny. Best night yet." (Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb - 48% at Rotten Tomatoes)
"It's impossible to have a better time at the movies this summer. Roaringly funny, heartfelt and imaginative." (Despicable Me)
"Best Wimpy Kid yet!" (Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days)
"Like Toy Story 3 this Madagascar proves 3 is the charm. It's easily the best one yet!" (Madagascar 3)
"A hard driving adrenaline pumping blast that leaves everything else in its dust. The most spectacular and exhilarating action sequences the screen has seen in years. The best one yet." (Fast Five)
"They've saved the best 'X' for last. Awesome! This one's got it all - and then some! Great action, great actors, the greatest X-Men movie yet." (X-Men: The Last Stand)


Yes, Pete Hammond loved the Brett Ratner X-Men film. Inspiring, right?


"Exceptionally well done. An exciting thriller and inspiring true human story." (Walking with the Enemy)
"A genuine crowd-pleaser and a true story that truly inspires." (Million Dollar Arm)

"Exceptionally smart, Ender's Game holds you in its grip throughout and doesn't let go." (Ender's Game)
An exceptionally good comedy loaded with laughs, heart and wonderful performances." (My One and Only)
"A rewarding and moving drama with exceptionally fine performances all around. (Tennessee)
"An extremely entertaining and human story." (King of California)
"Heart-pounding excitement and a great human story!" (Catch a Fire)
"Grabs you with its epic scope and richly human story." (Jet Li's Fearless)
"Smart, witty and genuinely human comedy..." (Diminished Capacity)
"Full of genuine scares." (The Crazies)
"Shocking...a genuinely terrifying trip!" (Turistas)
"The year's first genuinely frightening edge-of-your-seat chiller. Even Hitchcock could not have done better." (Dark Water)
"A genuine treasure trove of fun and high adventure, loaded with state-of-the-art visual effects that will simply blow you away! As good as gold." (Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest)
"Monstrously funny and clever...genuine fun for the whole family." (Igor)
"Gets the gold medal for genuine heart and comic inspiration." (The Ringer)
"A+ for laughs and genuine comic smarts!" (School for Scoundrels)
"A landslide comedy winner. Kevin Costner is pitch-perfect in the one movie that is so inspiring you'll stand up and cheer." (Swing Vote)
"Inspiring and heartwarming. A whale of a great tale." (Big Miracle)
"Truly inspiring." (Dolphin Tale)
"Truly inspiring. Grabs you by the heart in unexpected and wonderful ways." (Akeelah and the Bee)
"A true story that lifts our spirits and gives us hope." (Invictus)
"An inspiring and extraordinary true story." (The Blind Side)
"A movie that inspires." (Peaceful Warrior)
"Timeless and inspiring!" (The Greatest Game Ever Played)
"Funny, touching, inspiring." (The Help)
"Thrilling, funny, charming and inspiring." (Kung Fu Panda)
"An incredible and inspiring story of redemption and determination." (Machine Gun Preacher)
"An inspiring, stirring, unforgettable human drama." (The Flowers of War)
"An inspiring tale of courage." (Rescue Dawn)
"An amazing true story. It shows what real heroism is all about." (The Great Raid)
"Unforgettable, tense and inspiring." (Lone Survivor)
"A remarkable and inspiring true story about a man with unbelievable grit, determination and heart. You'll be rooting for him all the way." (Flash of Genius)

One of the most famous quotes repeated time and again by film critics is from Jean-Luc Godard who said "In order to criticize a movie, you have to make another movie." Roger Ebert reminded us of that many times. For a quote whore though, the opposite of true. In their world in order to praise a film they have to compare it to another film, sometimes by throwing the other film under the bus. So we're going to bring Pete Hammond's 2014 to a close with a demonstration of this theory. We hope it has been at least an hour before you have last eaten.

"Every bit as good as Bull Durham and Field of Dreams. Kevin Costner returns to glory in the kind of role that made him a star." (Draft Day)
"Every bit as epic as The Godfather." (American Gangster)
"This year's Bourne Ultimatum." (Traitor) (8/27/08)
"The best action movie since The Bourne Ultimatum." (Taken) (1/30/09)
"William Friedkin's most daring movie since The Exorcist! It will crawl under your skin!" (Bug)
"Director Roland Joffe returns to the stirring tradition of his greatest films, The Killing Fields and The Mission." (There Be Dragons)
"Scene for scene the most explosively funny movie Ben Stiller and the Farrelly Brothers have made since There's Something About Mary." (The Heartbreak Kid)
"Ranks with The Shining as one of the best Stephen King adaptations ever!" (1408)
"A timeless classic that ranks with the very best of animated films." (The Tale of Despereaux)
"The Avengers' of Animated movies." (Rise of the Guardians)
"The greatest animated triumph since Toy Story 3." (Rio)
"The most wondrous film of its kind since E.T." (The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep)
"The most visually stunning and innovative science-fiction thriller to hit the screen since Blade Runner and The Matrix." (Oblivion)
"Like the discovery of another Sideways or Little Miss Sunshine, just as unexpected and just as good." (Bottle Shock)
"A social document for a generation that has as much relevance now as movies like On the Waterfront, Network, All the President's Men and The Graduate did in their time." (The Social Network)
"A classic in the spirit of Unforgiven." (Appaloosa)
"A fast, furious and riotously funny farce in the tradition of Monty Python and Peter Sellers." (Death at a Funeral)
"Recalls movies Dr. Strangelove and Wag the Dog." (War, Inc.)
"Kevin Costner is at the top of his game!" (Mr. Brooks)
"Kevin Costner is pitch-perfect..." (Swing Vote)
"Will remind you why Kevin Costner became a star." (The Guardian)
The summer movie comedy event that proves to be every bit as much fun as it's meant to be - times two! (Evan Almighty)

"Sensational. Don't miss it. It's Bonnie and Clyde meets GoodFellas and then some!" (Rob the Mob)
"It's Heat meets The Departed." (The Town)
"Ordinary People meets Little Miss Sunshine" (Lymelife)
"It's City Slickers on bikes!" (Wild Hogs)
"The new year's nicest and most welcome surprise. A funny, heartwarming, superbly acted film that makes you feel good about life. Don't miss it." (Starbuck)
"Absolutely wonderful! A welcome gift for moviegoers, A true gem in a season of non-stop mayhem. Don't miss it!" (The Kings of Summer)
Provocative and compelling. Don't miss it...engrossing, intelligent storytelling at its very best. The ensemble cast is superb. (The Words)




"His finest film since the Oscar winning Crash and his most personal. Liam Neeson is superb. The most impressive ensemble cast of the year." (Third Person)
"The ensemble cast is just terrific." ((Untitled))
"An engrossing, thoroughly entertaining movie with great performances from a first-rate ensemble cast." (Crossing Over)
"A terrific coming-of-age movie with an extraordinary and talented ensemble cast of hot new stars." (Skateland)
"A brilliant ensemble cast led by Christian Bale who proves again he may be the best actor of his generation." (The Flowers of War)
"Diane Keaton, Kevin Kline and the sterling ensemble cast are superb." (Darling Companion)
"Don't miss it...engrossing, intelligent storytelling at its very best. The ensemble cast is superb." (The Words)
"Totally delivers with lots of laughs, heart and a terrific ensemble of actors at their best." (What To Expect When You're Expecting)
"One of the best acting ensembles in ages. Brittany Murphy burns up the screen." (The Dead Girl)

"The best action movie since The Bourne Ultimatum." (Taken)
"William Friedkin's most daring movie since The Exorcist! It will crawl under your skin!" (Bug)
"Scene for scene the most explosively funny movie Ben Stiller and the Farrelly Brothers have made since There's Something About Mary." (The Heartbreak Kid)
"The most visually stunning and innovative science-fiction thriller to hit the screen since Blade Runner and The Matrix." (Oblivion)
"Like Toy Story 3 this Madagascar proves 3 is the charm." (Madagascar 3)
"The greatest animated triumph since Toy Story 3." (Rio)
"The most wondrous film of its kind since E.T." (The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep)

"A live-action WALL-E meets E.T. meets Stand By Me. Unforgettable." (Earth to Echo)
"It's Heat meets The Departed." (The Town)
"The perfect cross between Pirates of the Caribbean and Indiana Jones" (The Adventures of Tintin)
"The Avengers' of Animated movies." (Rise of the Guardians)
"Ordinary People meets Little Miss Sunshine" (Lymelife)
...like the discovery of another Sideways or Little Miss Sunshine, just as unexpected and just as good. (Bottle Shock)
"The best action film in decades. A two hour high-tech chase around the world that surpasses everything that's come before it, including Oscar-winning classics like The French Connection and Bullitt." (The Bourne Ultimatum)
"A relentless suspense thriller with a jaw-dropping twist that will leave you on the edge of your seat. This year's Bourne Ultimatum." (Traitor)
"The best action movie since The Bourne Ultimatum." (Taken)[br]
"It's as if Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd morphed into Beavis and Butt-Head." (Be Kind Rewind)
"Breakout stars Jonah Hill and Michael Cera go to the head of the class. They are like a live-action Beavis and Butthead - and beyond." (Superbad)
"A social document for a generation that has as much relevance now as movies like On the Waterfront, Network, All the President's Men and The Graduate did in their time. Mesmerizing." (The Social Network)
"...every bit as epic as The Godfather." (American Gangster)
"Spectacular epic moviemaking at its best in the tradition of Gladiator and Braveheart." (Robin Hood)
"Director Roland Joffe returns to the stirring tradition of his greatest films, The Killing Fields and The Mission." (There Be Dragons)
"In the tradition of My Big Fat Greek Wedding." (Everybody Wants to Be Italian)
"A fast, furious and riotously funny farce in the tradition of Monty Python and Peter Sellers." (Death at a Funeral)
"It reminded me of classics like The Last Picture Show and American Graffiti." (Skateland)
"Reminded me of the kind of filmmaking Billy Wilder, Stanley Kubrick have done in the past. Recalls movies Dr. Strangelove and Wag the Dog." (War, Inc.)
"Even Hitchcock could not have done better." (Dark Water)

Before we unleash this final quote from Hammond, here are some titles to remember: "Inglourious Basterds", "The Hurt Locker", "Letters from Iwo Jima", "Three Kings", "The Thin Red Line", "Saving Private Ryan", "Born on the Fourth of July", "Empire of the Sun", "Full Metal Jacket", "Platoon". Got those in mind? OK, here you go:

"Brilliant. Magnificent. Stunning. A gripping, exciting and human movie. It's unlike any other movie this year. The best war movie in 30 years. Brad Pitt delivers his finest screen performance." (Fury)
"Hilary Swank is outstanding. She transforms herself into the complex public - and private - Amelia Earnart with humanity and heart." (Amelia)
"A wonderful mix of humor and humanity." (The Darjeeling Limited)
"A richly entertaining and remarkable film that manages to reveal the humanity in all of us." (Joyeux Noel)
"A compelling, beautifully acted, humane and riveting motion picture experience." (People Like Us)
"A powerful, important, humane and uncompromising film." (In the Land of Blood and Honey)
"Incredibly exciting and powerfully human!" (Superman Returns)
"A powerful human drama that packs a strong punch." (Reservation Road)
"An inspiring, stirring, unforgettable human drama." (The Flowers of War)
"Smart, witty and genuinely human comedy." (Diminished Capacity)
"An extremely entertaining and human story." (King of California)
"Heart-pounding excitement and a great human story!" (Catch a Fire)
"Grabs you with its epic scope and richly human story." (Jet Li's Fearless)
"There's never been a film like this." (The Great Gatsby)
"A great story that takes us to places we've never been before." (Tron: Legacy)
"You have never seen a movie quite like...." (Brick)
"You have never seen anything like it before!" (Steep)
"This is a film guaranteed to be unlike any other you will see this year." (The Fountain)
"This film is unlike any other you will see this summer." (My Sister's Keeper)
"Unlike any other war film you will ever see." (Jarhead)
"...is unlike anything you've ever seen!" (Night Watch)
"Chasing a dream has never been this much fun." (Ratatouille)
"Tyler Perry like we have never seen him before." (Alex Cross)
"Hits the bullseye...One of Oliver Stone's best." (W.)
"...one of Oliver Stone's best movies." (Savages)
"...one of Rob Reiner's best." (The Magic of Belle Isle)
"Jennifer Connelly delivers one of her best performances." (Reservation Road)
"This is the best performance of Sandra Bullock's career." (The Blind Side)
"Chris Cooper, in a career-best performance, is sensational..." (Breach)
"...this may be Annette Bening's finest screen work ever. (Running with Scissors)
"Paul Walker's best performance." (Running Scared)
"Smart and riotously funny with DeNiro's best screen work in years." (What Just Happened?)
"Harrelson at his very best!" (Defendor)
"Renee (Zellweger) is at her best!" (My One and Only)
"Washington & Wahlberg are at their very best." (2 Guns)
"Jason Statham is at his absolute best." (Homefront)
"Jason Statham has never been better." (Revolver)
"Richard Gere has never been better." (The Hoax)
"Lopez has never been better." (El Cantante)
"Totally delivers with lots of laughs, heart and a terrific ensemble of actors at their best." (What To Expect When You're Expecting)
"Robin Williams turns in his smartest, funniest performance in at least a decade." (Man of the Year)
"One of the most powerful films in years." (Reign Over Me)
"One of the best American comedies in years." (The Break-Up)
"One of the funniest films in many years." (Borat)
"A treasure chest full of laughs! One of the funniest animated films in years." (The Pirates!: Band of Misfits)
"As big, breathtakingly exciting and relentlessly thrilling as any epic adventure the screen has seen in many years! (King Kong)
"The best action film in years!" (The A-Team)
"The most spectacular and exhilarating action sequences the screen has seen in years." (Fast Five)
"Packs the kind of punch-to-the-gut wallop the screen hasn't seen in years. (Warrior)
"A winning combination of sex, mystery, brilliant writing and first-rate acting that all adds up to one of the most erotic and exhilarating movies in years." (Match Point)
"Woody Allen is back in style with his funniest movie in many years." (Scoop)
"The most visually inventive, trailblazing film of its kind in light years." (Wanted)

It is here that we offer our semi bi-annual Lincoln's Birthday Sale reminder to Hammond and our readers that light years measure distance and not time. As in, you should stay light years away from anything Pete Hammond offers in the way of words.



link directly to this feature at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/feature.php?feature=3724
originally posted: 12/23/14 12:16:23
last updated: 12/23/14 13:15:58
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