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CRITICWATCH (The 2002 Recap & Whore Rankings)
by Erik Childress

It all started out as an article titled “Whom Can You Trust – A Guide To Your Film Critics.” Then, like First Blood, it developed into the Rambo-like classification of “Criticwatch.” Appropriate enough since the 'one man vs. an army of evil' fits what we're doing here. We at Hollywood Bitchslap and eFilmCritic have taken pride in this corner of our world and have seen it blossom into a national movement. Critics who whore themselves out with fake praise for anything they might get quoted for in movie ads do a giant disservice to moviegoers everywhere, the inductry of film criticism in general, and even the movies themselves. While words like “riveting”, “provocative” and “triumph” are plastered like graffiti every week in film ads, we will continue to expose the quotewhores, who will hopefully be shamed into cleaning up their act. Join us in taking one final look back at the sell-outs of 2002 with our Criticwatch power rankings, special awards and a recap of the overused phrases and words designed to catch your eye before your brain.

For information on the 2003 version of Criticwatch, visit http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/hbs.cgi?feature=558

THE QUOTE WHORE POWER RANKINGS
Not that we like to imply that any of these numbskulls have any power in the industry, but their strength is truly in their numbers. How many quotes do they get published a year? Who's coming clean? Their fortunes may go up, but these people always seem to go down on whatever they need to in order to keep their swag and graft and few seconds of print ad fame coming on a weekly basis.

So here they are, the movers and shakers and integrity breakers from the previous year.

1. PETER TRAVERS (Rolling Stone) - …and still champion. This guy has been dominating the quotewhore rankings for two years straight and holds the current record by getting his name next to a movie ad quote a whopping 55 times in 2002. That’s more than a film a week you were guaranteed to see him praising, and the publicists paid attention by ensuring that Travers Rolling Stone outlet got plenty of coverage in the ads also. When will Travers, who actually can write a decent review, stop lending his name to the worst films Hollywood has to offer? Time can only tell, but for now it's fun to take note of the words that Travers uses to tell the publicists 'quote me here'.

Solaris – Mind-bending. A hypnotic blend of psychological thriller and love story. Solaris is a mind-bender in the best sense of the word.
Enigma – Jagger, Stoppard and Director Michael Apted deliver a riveting and surprisingly romantic ride. The film is mind-twisting fun, with first-rate performances.
The Kid Stays in the Picture – Riveting, great fun and compulsively watchable.
Far From Heaven – Riveting, rapturous fun! Julianne Moore and Dennis Quaid give the performances of their career.
13 Conversations About One Thing – A haunting and hypnotic film. Funny and touching. Alan Arkin is flat out perfection!
Lovely & Amazing – Funny and touching!
The Good Girl – Sly, comic and touching.
My Big Fat Greek Wedding – Heartfelt and Hilarious!
Italian for Beginners – Sweetly Sexy and Funny!
Storytelling – Fearlessly Funny and Bracingly Provocative!
The Believer – It will pin you to your seat! The most potent and provocative film of the year!
Auto Focus – Potent and provocative! Kinnear is dynamite! With profane laughs and stinging drama, Auto Focus ranks with Paul Schrader’s best films.
Secretary – Terrific! A film of startling humor! Spader and Gyllenhaal are electric!
8 Mile - 8 Mile is a cinematic event. Eminem’s presence is electric. He’s a knockout.
Tadpole – A sinfully funny knockout!
24 Hour Party People – A blast! Roaringly funny, defiantly sexual and relentlessly in your face.
Bowling for Columbine – Volcanically funny!
Comedian – Funny as hell! It’s gold, Jerry, gold.
The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys – Darkly funny Artful and surprising!
Igby Goes Down – darkly hilarious, unexpectedly heartbreaking The thing with this movie; it keeps springing surprises.
The Last Kiss – An exuberantly unleashed comedy. Keeps the surprises coming!
Insomnia – The first film of the summer that should be remembered in the Oscar race. Chistopher Nolan has raised the bar on summer thrillers. He matches his “Memento” achievement with another TRIUMPH of style and substance.
Road To Perdition – A triumph.
Bloody Sunday – A triumph! Look for Bloody Sunday to take on the giants in the race for Best Picture! James Nesbitt may be the actor of the year!
Birthday Girl - A Sexy Ride! Nicole Kidman Brings Erotic Heat To Her Role
Unfaithful – It’s a scorcher. Diane Lane is a Force. Diane Lane’s slow-burning fiercely erotic performance charges the movie. A seductive tease of a thriller.
The Man from Elysian Fields – A seductive morality tale. Jagger is terrific!

2. KEVIN THOMAS (Los Angeles Times) – Old Criticwatch fave Kev lost a little ground to Travers in 2002 (not that anyone could measure up to the mighty Travers in a whore-off), but Thomas actually saw his whore-numbers decrease from 41 to 33 over the last twelve months while everyone else on our list seemingly went up. "John" Thomas shows no signs of slowing down though and we’re confident that he’ll be giving sell-out lessons to the young whippersnappers for years to come.

Dinner Rush – A Triumph
Ararat – A triumph! Richly rewarding!
Festival In Cannes - Dizzying…Glamorous…Radiantly Beautiful! Henry Jaglom has created a classic farce, rich in humor and emotion
The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys – Imaginative! Beautiful! Entirely Beguiling!
Kissing Jessica Stein - Romantic comedy at its sharpest and most sophisticated
Brown Sugar – Brown Sugar is a sly and sophisticated romantic comedy with a depth of characterization matched by its appreciation of the world of hip-hop…as satisfying as it is sleek…
Two Weeks Notice – It has the wit and charm of a classic romantic comedy. The chemistry between Bullock and Grant proves to be sensational.
Enigma – A grand romantic entertainment that sweeps the viewer along in its swiftly escalating suspense.
Tuck Everlasting – A sweeping romantic fable made with such skill and sensitivity that its appeal spans generations.
American Adobo – Delicious! An intimate, good-humored comedy, outrageous humor…Lots of heart.
Martin Lawrence Live: Runteldat – He is so funny…outrageous humor!
The Good Girl – One of the year’s best films…One painfully funny line after another, some laugh-out loud funny, others more ironic or reflective.
Showtime – Fresh, Funny and satirical! Deniro and Murphy play off each other Hilariously.
What To Do In Case of Fire – Provocative, energetic entertainment. Thoughtful and lots of fun.
Empire – Engrossing and utterly uncompromising! John Leguizamo gives one of the best performances of the year. As the film shifts into high gear it reveals how much more thoughtful and perceptive it is from the usual genre movies…
40 Days and 40 Nights - Consistently Engaging, Clever & Insightful! A frothy comedy with Subtext! Josh Hartnett reveals his versatility!
The Kid Stays in the Picture – Engaging! Witty, colorful and poignant!
Like Mike – A Sure-fire heart-warmer: lively, funny, family-friendly, emotion-charged and uplifting.
Friday After Next – Hilarious!
The Hot Chick – Schneider may be obnoxious and unhandsome, but he is, more important, talented and fearless.

3. JOEL SIEGEL (Good Morning America) – If you need someone to provide a few kind words about your film, then Joel is your guy. This man of few words like to use certain words over and over again (even from previous years), and with 33 quotes in 2002 remains a solid #3 choice ready to give Kevin Thomas a run for his money.

Showtime – Real Funny!
Comedian – Seriously funny!
Undercover Brother – Undercover Brother is hysterically funny!
Men In Black II – Funnier than the first!
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets – The movie’s even more magical than the first.
Analyze That – Analyze That is even funnier than Analyze This.
About a Boy – Funny! One of the year’s best! Hugh Grant at his absolute best!
25th Hour – 25th Hour is Spike Lee’s best work.
The Bourne Identity – The best spy thriller in years! Matt Damon has never been better!
The Rookie - The Rookie is a great family film.
Stuart Little 2 – One of the most fun family films this summer.
My Big Fat Greek Wedding – A feel GREAT movie!
I Am Sam - A Wonderful Movie about the power of the human spirit
John Q - John Q. is a powerful human drama. Truly one from the heart. (Movie about a heart transplant.)
Antwone Fisher – More than one of the best films of the year, this is a film that can change people’s lives. Antwone Fisher’s story is powerful, heart-breaking, life-affirming and true.
Adaptation – One of the year’s best. It’s Oscar time and this one is a contender. Nicolas Cage could get two Oscar nominations, one for best actor and one for supporting actor.
Catch Me If You Can – Movies don’t get much more fun than this. One of the best films of the year.
Narc – One of the best films of the year. Oscar caliber performances from Ray Liotta and Jason Patric
Thr Hours – One of the top ten films of 2002. Incredible performances from Kidman, and Moore and Streep and Ed Harris make The Hours seem like minutes.
Austin Powers in Goldmember – Mike Myers is a comic genius!
Bad Company – Chris Rocks! (NOTE: This is the exact lame-ass moronic comment that Siegel used to describe last years “Down To Earth” starring Chris Rock.)

4. JEFFREY LYONS (WNBC-TV) – It’s not hard to guess which films Lyons is going to whore for. (1) Anything by Universal or Paramount is a good bet. (2) Any film specifically tailored for Oscars by the studios. (3) Just about anything else, now that we think about it. I think Lyons really had his heart set on the #3 spot this year, but in the end he just didn't have the kneeling skills. His tally of 29 quotes was an impressive list for prospective johns, but Siegel outsucked him 7-to-3 in the final month. Better luck in 2003, Jeffrey.

Brotherhood of the Wolf - A Masterpiece
Black Hawk Down - A Tour-De-Force
The Sum of All Fears – See this one!
Panic Room - The Most terrifying thriller of this type in years
Who Is Cletis Tout? – The funniest, wittiest crime comedy since Get Shorty.
Rabbit-Proof Fence – Absolutely astonishing! One of the great journeys you are ever likely to see.
Hart’s War - A Compelling, Thought-Provoking Film
25th Hour – Powerful and compelling. Edward Norton gives one of the most poignant performances of his career, under Spike Lee’s intelligent direction.
K-19: The Widowmaker – A powerful, compelling drama with intense intelligent performers. You will see sides of Harrison Ford and Liam Neeson’s acting craft you never saw before.
About a Boy – Absorbing and touching! You’ll see a side of Hugh Grant you never saw before!
Enigma – Absorbing and Passionate
Showtime – Funny and Fast-Paced
Big Fat Liar - A Fast-Paced, Funny Comedy!
Hollywood Ending – A sweet, sly and witty comedy.
The Emperor’s New Clothes – Witty, sly and thoroughly entertaining!
Serving Sara – Serving Sara is undeniably funny
The Kid Stays in the Picture – Sure to be one of the best films of the year!
The Emperor’s Club – Sure to be one of the year’s best.
Frida – One of the year’s best films! Salma Hayek gives the performance of her career.
Evelyn – One of the year’s best films.

5. EARL DITTMAN (Wireless Magazines) – A true junket whore if there ever was one. With so many competing for spots these days, Dittman has jumped out front as a real quotewhore powerhouse with 23 quotes for the year. He’s leading the daisy chain around the Paramount mountain - so much so that we had to give him a special achievement award that you will soon be reading about.

Changing Lanes – This is one film you need to see!
Wes Craven Presents: They – A flawless, breathtaking, terror-filled thrillerA must see!
Collateral Damage – A First-Class Suspense-Filled Thriller!
High Crimes - Fantastic! Full of unstoppable suspense
Murder By Numbers – The Hottest Suspense Thriller In Town! Bullock is incredible. She gives one of the most astonishingly powerful and fiercely moving performances of her career.
The Sum of All Fears – The Sum of All Fears is what great filmmaking is all about. It grabs you by the throat and never lets go! An astonishing and thrilling motion picture.
K-19: The Widowmaker – A cinematic triumph that has Academy Awards written all over it. You’ll be engrossed by the power and intensity of K-19: The Widowmaker, from the moment it lights up the screen to the final flicker of its last frame. Harrison Ford is an extraordinary actor who gives a passionate, Oscar-caliber performance in a magnificently moving motion picture. Director Kathryn Bigelow has constructed a hard-hitting and thought-provoking drama that will leave you breathless and completely in awe.
One Hour Photo – It will haunt your very soul.
We Were Soldiers - A modern-day classic. Truly magnificent and absolutely unforgettable! Mel Gibson’s most stunning and mesmerizing performance to date.”
Undisputed – Electrifying! Jaw-Dropping! It will knock you out of your seat! It’s unforgettable!
Men In Black II – An electrifying, laugh-filled, hi-energy experience. Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones are sensational!
Serving Sara – Serving Sara is a sexy, zany and over-the-top road movie that breaks all the rules…This is one wildly wacky and terrifically twisted comedy! Matthew Perry is delightful and outrageously hilarious. Reginald Hudlin has directed another wild and outrageous comedy.
Analyze That – Robert DeNiro and Billy Crystal are outrageously hilarious! Their performances are what comedic legends are made of.
Brown Sugar – Brown Sugar almost single-handedly redefines the date movie…slick, sexy and slammin’
Formula 51 – Formula 51 is a high-octane, adrenaline-pumped action comedy packed with wit and style!
40 Days and 40 Nights - A sexy, fresh and wildly hip comedy!
Spy Kids 2 – Hysterically funny and wildly entertaining. A thrill-a-minute spy adventure.
Hey Arnold!: The MovieA hysterical, entertaining treat for the whole family!
Scooby-Doo – You’ll howl with laughter.
Friday After Next – The funniest Friday ever!
Maid In Manhattan – Maid in Manhattan is the funniest romantic comedy of the year.
Narc – An incredible bold artistic achievement! Narc is the most incredibly moving film you will have seen all year.
The Four Feathers – The Four Feathers is an exquisite, breathtaking epic! ****! An astounding, unforgettable motion picture which is both heroic and remarkably passionate. It is a phenomenal cinematic achievement! You will feel compelled to see it over and over again.

6. BILL ZWECKER (FOX-TV) – Chicago boy makes good or absolute embarrassment to the Chicago critical community? You be the judge. With 19 quotes last year, it won't take you long to make up your mind. Just the other day I saw him on WBBM CBS-TV Chicago talking about the sex lives of celebrities. This mook is nothing more than another gossip hound, sucking up to celebrities for 10-minute interviews to fund his own pockets and then betraying them and the legacy of Edward R. Murrow for purposes of Enquiring Minds. He is the epitome of what’s wrong with journalism today and has no business telling the public what movies to see. Sure, opinions are like assholes. Everyone has them and some of them stink. He’s that rare mix where both his opinion and his reputation are of the asshole variety.

Red Dragon – Delightfully frightening! Anthony Hopkins does it again – better than ever! A true must-see!
I Spy – A must-see laugh-riot! Eddie Murphy and Owen Wilson are perfect!
We Were Soldiers – “A must-see film for our time and all time! One of the best war films ever made…a powerful message about heroism, survival and integrity.”
Die Another Day – One of the Best Bond Films Ever!
Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nights – The funniest holiday movie of all time!
XXX – The best action movie of the summer. You won’t want to miss this one! (You mean, a must-see?)
Possession – The most romantic film of the year! Absolutely phenomenal. Gwyneth Paltrow gives us yet another terrific performance as does Aaron Eckhart in an Oscar-worthy star turn.
One Hour Photo – An oscar-worthy tour de force that will haunt you for a long, long time after leaving the theatre.
Unfaithful – Amazing. Will keep you thinking long after it ends.
Solaris – Fascinating! A film that will keep you thinking for a long time. George Clooney as you’ve never seen him. A tremendous performance.
The Scorpion King – The Rock is the Action Hero for the New Millennium!
Narc – Jason Patric gives the performance of a lifetime!

7. SHAWN EDWARDS (FOX-TV – Kansas City) – Shawn may be crying foul with the #7 slot as he secured 22 quotes to Zwecker’s mere 19, but Shawn doesn’t have quite the repetitive power that Bill exhibits so we've shoved him a little down the list. Still, 22 quotes and a handful of "is your head in your ass” recommendations, Shawn seems like he’s booked his own personal spot in the top ten.

Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nights – Brilliant!
One Hour Photo – Brilliant, daring and original! Robin Williams earns what is sure to be an Oscar nomination for his poignant and exceptional performance.
Harrison’s Flowers - **** Powerful compelling and important
Paid in Full – Powerful, edgy and intense!
40 Days and 40 Nights - “Terrifically cool, totally fresh and thoroughly entertaining! Josh Hartnett and Shannyn Sossamon set the screen on Fire! Destined to become a new classic!”
Spy Kids 2 – Entertaining, hilarious and action-packed
The Scorpion King – Action-Packed! It Will totally blow you away! A thrill-a-minute joyride!
XXX – 100% pure excitement. You’ll need a safety harness to stay in your seat.
Showtime – The Laughs Never Stop! Murphy and DeNiro are a comedic dynamic duo in this insanely funny and incredibly entertaining movie.
Mr. Deeds – Mr Deeds’ screams fun and delivers non-stop laughs!
Men In Black II - ****! It’s twice the action and twice the laughs!
Welcome to Collinwood – Absolutely hilarious!
Two Weeks Notice – The year’s most refreshing film. A perfect combination of comedy and romance. Hugh Grant keeps the laughs coming and Sandra Bullock steals your heart.
Evelyn – A perfect holiday film
The Powerpuff Girls Movie – Fantastic! ****! The best animated feature this year!
White Oleander – A **** Classic! One of the year’s best films!
Red Dragon – A suspenseful masterpiece!
Hey Arnold: The Movie – You’ll love this movie!
Maid in Manhattan – A total crowd pleaser!
Undercover Brother - **** Undercover Brother is Right On!
Scooby-Doo – Super Doo-per funtastic!

8. LEONARD MALTIN (Hot Ticket/Playboy) – Hot! That’s what he uses on his Hot Ticket TV show in place of his thumbs, since both are jammed firmly up his rectum. Yes, the guy with the movie review book (that STILL doesn’t alphabetize correctly) nailed 15 quotes in 2002. He may not belong with the junketeer crowd, but the gang at Mystery Science Theater 3000 didn’t coin the phrase – “just as good as Laserblast” – without reason. Plus any guy who first hosted a movie review show with Todd “AWESOME” Newton from E! and then switched to Joyce Kulhawik, the most annoying female presence on television since Fran Drescher, deserves a few jabs.

About a Boy – A first-rate comedy-drama! Hugh Grant couldn’t be more perfect!

Two Weeks Notice – Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant are a perfect match.
I Am Sam - It’s a delightful film. This may be the best part Michelle Pfeiffer has ever had. I am sam is a fabulous showcase for sean penn
Insomnia – Hot! Insomnia is the best movie I’ve seen this year. Al Pacino is one of the finest actors alive…and Robin Williams makes a great adversary with a FINELY-TUNED performance. This is Hilary Swank’s best work since “Boys Don’t Cry.”
The Good Girl – Jennifer Aniston scores a bull’s-eye in one of the best films of the year.
Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron – One of the most beautiful and exciting animated features ever made.
The Wild Thornberrys – Fresh and funny!
Ideal family entertainment.
Cherish – Fresh and original!
Lilo & Stitch – It’s fresh and new and different.

9. DAVID SHEEHAN (KCBS-TV) – If what we’re already seeing out of this guy in 2003 is any indication, he’s headed for the top of the charts. In 2002 he had 21 quotes. In the first two months of 2003, he’s already got 7! Be prepared. This guy is truly going to be someone to avoid… except you CAN’T! His name will be EVERYWHERE!

Simone – Highly intelligent and highly entertaining!
40 Days and 40 Nights – Highly Erotic, Comedic Fun!
Analyze That – One of the funniest movies of the year!
Showtime - A truly hilarious mix of gags, guns, giggles and clever character comedy. Eddie Murphy and Robert DeNiro make the year’s most Dynamic Comedy Duo
Lilo & Stitch – The perfect mix of action and heart!
Possession – Gwyneth Paltrow is performance perfection, surpassing her Shakespeare in Love brilliance.
Sweet Home Alabama – Romantically delightful! Reese Witherspoon shines brighter than ever!
White Oleander – White Oleander is a compelling and truthful movie with Oscar quality performances by Michelle Pfeiffer and Alison Lohman
I Am Sam - Exquisitely fine oscar-quality performances by sean penn and michelle pfeiffer. I am sam radiates with a touching humanity
Moonlight Mile – An emotional triumph!
Antwone Fisher – A masterful emotional journey. Inspirational and dramatic at the same time.
Drumline – It’ll have you dancing in your seat! Indescribably delightful…Incredibly inspiring.
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood – A total delight!
Maid In Manhattan – An enormously enjoyable romance with something to say and a lot to feel.
Two Weeks Notice – Touches the heart and the funny bone at the same time.
Dragonfly - A great movie! Totally absorbing! The most rewarding movie of the year!

10. CLAY SMITH (Access Hollywood) – I don’t know where this guy came from and, quite frankly, I don’t wanna know. But that nowhere out of from which this moron came is now contaminating the film world with quotes that have catapulted him into the top ten with 13 after just seven months of whoring. A good earner by whore standards, but one you wouldn’t want to touch without a good shot of common sense.

About a Boy – The best movie I’ve seen this year! I was upset when it ended, that’s how much I fell in love with these people!
Moonlight Mile – Hands down, one of the very best films of 2002.
Sweet Home Alabama – The funniest, most romantic comedy of the year! You will fall absolutely in love with Reese Witherspoon!
Friday After Next – This is the funniest Friday film yet!
Adaptation - …smart, sophisticated and funny…with an ending that will take you totally by surprise!
The Hot Chick – Rob Schneider is outrageous and at his comedic best!
Two Weeks Notice – Hugh Grant and Sandra Bullock are the year’s best romantic comedy duo!
Treasure Planet – Disney has not only updated a classic…but given it a futuristic twist that will endure for generations to come.

Signs – It’s the most fun you’ll have being scared this summer. You won’t just be on the edge of your seat…you’ll be jumping out of it!
Blue Crush – An adernaline rush! Make sure you catch the last big wave of the summer.
Swimfan – A suspenseful end-of-the-summer surprise! (This guy recommended SWIMFAN?!!!)

RUNNERS-UP
Five names you want to avoid like the tenth plague. Maybe 2003 will be their year. With any luck they'll simply clean up their act and get respectable. Except Larry King. He should be reviewing movies in Bizarro World.

Mark S. Allen (KMAX-TV/UPN-TV (Sacramento) (18 Quotes)
Larry King (Larry King Live) (10 Quotes)
Jeanne Wolf (Jeanne Wolf’s Hollywood) (13 Quotes)
Jim Svejda, KNX/CBS Radio (12 Quotes)

Special Mention: Mike Cidoni (ABC-TV) (7 Quotes – that need to be seen to be believed)
I Am Sam - One of the year’s best pictures
Undercover Brother – Solid, indeed!
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood – Simply divine. Funny, touching, absolutely fabulous!
The Banger Sisters – Fresh, funny, fabulous! Hawn, Sarandon & Rush make for the season’s comic dream team…
Red Dragon – Simply delicious! Fans of The Silence of the Lambs are in for a real treat.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets – The magic is back! A deeper, darker downright delightful sequel. A simply bewitching adventure.
Analyze That – Final analysis: It’s even funnier than the first.

Ha! See what he did? It was talking about Analyze That and he said 'Final Analysis'... Oh Mike, you're puntastic!

NAMES TO WATCH IN 2003
Bill Bregoli, Westwood One Radio Networks (13 Quotes)
Paul Clinton (CNN) (12 Quotes)
Tony Toscano (KJZZ-TV) (12 Quotes)
Thelma Adams (US Magazine) (11 Quotes)
Joe Leydon (San Francisco Examiner) (10 Quotes)
Jim Ferguson (FOX-TV/ KMSB-TV) (10 Quotes)
Jeff Craig (Sixty Second Preview) (8 Quotes)
Mike Sargent (WBAI Radio) (8 Quotes)
Jeffrey K. Howard (The Movie Guys/ABC-TV) (7 Quotes)
Richard Reid (Northwest Cable News Seattle) (6 Quotes)

THE FAMILY FRIENDLY CRITICS
Other than Mr. Agenda himself, Michael Medved, a pair of critics have found themselves littering the ads of family films left and right. Now there’s nothing wrong with recommending good movies for families, but what’s the point in recommending EVERY family film to them. Surely they have the good sense to see a family film is in release. They don’t need a quote for that.

Elaine Blythe (Film Advisory Board)
Hey Arnold: The Movie – Finally, a big screen hero for all of us! Arnold saves the day by saving his neighborhood!
The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course – An exciting film every family should see.
Little Secrets – One of the finest family films! Bound to be a classic.
Pokemon 4Ever – Outstanding, the best one ever! Kids will love it!
The Wild Thornberrys – An award-winner that all ages can enjoy. It’s an action adventure filled with heart.

Ted Baehr (Movieguide) (3)
Clockstoppers - It is a fun movie with terrific values! A must-see!
Stuart Little 2 – The best family film this year.
The Country Bears – The Country Bears is FUN, FUN, FUN. (Editor's Note: "For me to poop on!")

THE STUDIO PET AWARDS OF 2002
These special achievement awards are being given out to seven whores who expressed an undying allegiance to a particular studio and their films. (Pay attention, this is where we risk being sued!)

Paramount released 18 films in 2002. Two names that were as close to guarantees to show up in their film ads were Earl Dittman and Mark S. Allen. Dittman whored for 8 for them (We Were Soldiers, Changing Lanes, The Sum of All Fears, Hey Arnold!: The Movie, K-19: The Widowmaker, The Four Feathers, Narc and Serving Sara.) Allen covered seven including Crossroads, Star Trek: Nemesis and The Wild Thornberrys. It's important to note that we've only found four critics in the world that had anything close to positive to say about Serving Sara (good company, Earl), and we don't even want to know what sort of brain sees Crossroads as quote-worthy (for shame, Mark!).

Also on Paramount’s pet list are Guy Farris (Northwest Cable News), Diana Jordan (FOX-TV) and Amy Longsdorf (Allentown Morning Call/Camden Courier Post) who got 7 ad quotes this year between them - oddly, all were for Paramount titles.

Finally, on the Buena Vista front, there was Neil Rosen (NY-1) nailing down 5 of his 6 published quotes for BV-owned titles: The Importance of Being Earnest, Bad Company, Lilo & Stitch, Tuck Everlasting and The Santa Clause 2. (The 6th was for Sony’s Maid in Manhattan.)

Ty Burr from the Boston Globe only had two published and maybe that’s not worthy of a whore award. But when he first calls Tuck Everlasting “an exemplary new Disney film!” and then says The Hot Chick “is pretty damned funny!” – let's just say there's no defending that.

WHORE HALL OF FAME 2002
Three films that had no business getting a single quote, let alone an abundance.

Scooby-Doo
“Clever, non-stop action…with heart.” – David Germain (Associated Press)
“Hilarious family entertainment that doesn’t forget there are adults in the audience.” – George Thomas (Akron Beacon Journal)
“Pure fun!!!” - Hank Stuever (Washington Post)
“This is definitely the Scooby crew come-to-life. No team of stars could have done it better! You’ll love this movie.” - Mike Szymanski (ZAP2IT.com)
“The Ideal Summer Movie…Scooby-Doo had me howling” – Katherine Monk (Vancouver Sun)

Sorority Boys
“A Wigged-out raunchy college comedy that holds its own among the American Pies” – Troy Goodman, The Salt Lake Tribune
“Animal House meets Some Like It Hot” – Dennis Harvey, Daily Variety

National Lampoon’s Van Wilder
“Hot!” – WBZ CBS
“Outrageous!” – Cinemascene & Black Cat Media
“Van Wilder will have you rolling in the aisles” – Daily Texan
“You’ll LOVE every sticky minute of it!” – Cal State Hayward Pioneer
“Van Wilder shines…One can’t help but compare this movie to American Pie” – Ain’t It Cool.com
“National Lampoon’s Van Wider is the Animal House of the new milennium” – KIIS Los Angeles
“Animal House” meets “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” – Steppin’ Out Magazine
“An instant classic” – KBRV Dallas
“Hands down the funniest movie I’ve seen this season” – Jonas Schwartz, BoxOffice Mojo
“One of the smartest and funniest comedies ever” – Cineman Syndicate LLC

THE TOP 10 UNFATHOMABLE QUOTES OF THE YEAR
The dumbest things said by the blurbists in 2002.

(10) “Another sweet success among Reese’s pieces!” (Sweet Home Alabama) - Gene Shalit (The Today Show)

(9) “This planet is a treasure!” (Treasure Planet) - Richard Corliss (Time Magazine)

(8) “A superb Mick Jagger elicits genuine Sympathy for the Devil.” (The Man From Elysian Fields) - Jan Stuart (New York Newsday)

(7) “A Doggone Good Time! Fun Fur the Whole Family” (Snow Dogs) - Thelma Adams (US Magazine)

(6) “Fabulous, wonderful, terrific, witty, wise, amazing, life changing, fun, uplifting, wonderfully acted, wild…I’m giving it my highest rating… 4-Hats!” (Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood) - Jan Wahl (KRON-TV)

(5) “The film keeps you guessing about almost everyone until the superbly imaginative climax.” (The Truth About Charlie) - Melinda Ennis (Atlanta Journal-Constitution) (Did this woman ever see CHARADE?!!!)

(4) “A landmark event! The technology is mind-boggling.” (Simone) - Jeff Craig (Sixty Second Preview) (Is Jeff aware that the cat is out of the bag that Simone is played by a REAL person!)

(3) “A butt-kickin’ good time.” (Enough) - Elizabeth Barr (Buffalo News)

(2) “Will likely do for snapshots what Psycho did for showers” (One Hour Photo) - Bruce Handy (Vanity Fair)

(1) “I have to praise Schneider…It’s a little like watching Tom Hanks in Big!” (The Hot Chick) - Mary Kunz (The Buffalo News)

CONGRATULATIONS MARY!!!

2002 RECAP
Finally, just for good measure – let’s take one more look back at the usual suspects of 2002. See what you are bombarded with day-in and day-out in the newspapers and commercials

PERFECTION (not by Hasbro)
A wise man once said there’s no such thing as a perfect movie. These are not wise men.

“This one is perfect.” (The Sum of All Fears) - Harry Knowles (Ain’t It Cool News.com)
“A perfect summer movie” (Bad Company) - Paul Starke (Pure Oxygen)
“A perfect summer film.” (The Sum of All Fears) - Paul Fischer (Dark Horizons)
“The perfect antidote to the summer blockbusters!” (The Importance of Being Earnest) - Neil Rosen (NY-1)

“The perfect date movie!” (Sweet Home Alabama) - Paul Starke (Pure Oxygen)
“A perfect date movie!” (The Hot Chick) - John Black (Boston Metro)
“The perfect date movie!” (Maid in Manhattan) - Mark S. Allen (KMAX-TV/UPN-TV (Sacramento)

“A perfect holiday film” (Evelyn) - Shawn Edwards (FOX-TV – Kansas City)
“The ideal and perfect movie for the holidays!!” (Maid in Manhattan) - Mose Persico (CFCF-TQS, Canada)
“The perfect holiday treat for the whole family.” (The Wild Thornberrys) - Guy Farris (Northwest Cable News)
“Absolute perfection. Here surely is the perfect holiday season movie.” (Analyze That) - Jeff Simon (Buffalo News)
“Nothing less than perfection.” (Road To Perdition) - Shirley Sealy (Film Journal)

“Adam Sandler is absolutely perfect.” (Punch-Drunk Love) - Bruce Kirkland (Toronto Sun)
“Al Pacino is the perfect fit for this visionary comedy.” – (Simone) - Gene Shalit (The Today Show)
“Alan Arkin is flat out perfection!” (13 Conversations About One Thing) - Peter Travers (Rolling Stone)
“Gwyneth Paltrow is performance perfection” (Possession) - David Sheehan (KCBS-TV)
“Pitch-perfect performances from Dustin Hoffman and Susan Sarandon!” (Moonlight Mile) - Sandie Newton (CBS-TV)
“Ben Affleck’s portrayal of Jack Ryan is pitch-perfect.” (The Sum of All Fears) - Mike Sargent (WBAI Radio)
“Ben Affleck is the perfect Jack Ryan.” (The Sum of All Fears) - Amy Longsdorf (Allentown Morning Call/Camden Courier Post)

“Hugh Grant couldn’t be more perfect!” (About a Boy) - Leonard Maltin (Hot Ticket/Playboy)
“Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant are a perfect match.” (Two Weeks Notice) - Leonard Maltin (Hot Ticket/Playboy)
“Ben Affleck and Morgan Freeman ignite the screen with perfect chemistry.” (The Sum of All Fears) - Sandie Newton (CBS-TV)
“Eddie Murphy and Owen Wilson are perfect!” (I Spy) - Bill Zwecker (FOX-TV)
“A perfect combination of comedy and romance.” (Two Weeks Notice) - Shawn Edwards (FOX-TV – Kansas City)
“The perfect mix of action and heart!” (Lilo & Stitch) - David Sheehan (KCBS-TV)

MUST-SEE
Critics see hundreds of movies every year. The average moviegoer probably sees a quarter of that. How about those poor individuals who only see 2-3 movies in the theater a year and find themselves listening to the advice of quotewhores? How can there be so many must-sees from those who are so blind to what a good movie actually is most of the time?

“A must-see film!” (We Were Soldiers) - Mark S. Allen (KMAX-TV/UPN-TV (Sacramento)
“A must-see!” (Clockstoppers) - Ted Baehr (Movieguide)
“A must-see film.” (Unfaithful) - Jim Ferguson (FOX-TV/ KMSB-TV)
“A Must-See!” (The Importance of Being Earnest) - Julia Dahl (Marie Claire)
“A true must-see!” (Red Dragon) - Bill Zwecker (FOX-TV)
“Truly a Must-see!” (We Were Soldiers) - Mose Persico (CFCF-TQS, Canada)
“A hilarious must-see comedy” (Showtime) - Byron Allen (Entertainmentstudios.com)
“A must-see laugh-riot!” (I Spy) - Bill Zwecker (FOX-TV)
“This is the season’s must-see romantic comedy. “ (Two Weeks Notice) - Bill Bregoli (Westwood One Radio Networks)
“This summer’s surprise must-see movie!” (Eight Legged Freaks) - Richard Horrman (Parade Radio)
“The first must-see family film of the summer.” (Scooby-Doo) - Mark S. Allen (KMAX-TV/UPN-TV (Sacramento)
“A must-see family film for audiences of all ages!” (Tuck Everlasting) - Neil Rosen (NY-1)
“A must-see film for our time and all time!” (We Were Soldiers) - Bill Zwecker (FOX-TV)
“A must-see sure-fire Oscar contender.” (Narc) - Mark S. Allen (KMAX-TV/UPN-TV (Sacramento)
“This must-see film is the most clever, best-acted movie of the year” (Adaptation) - Bob Strauss (LA
Daily News
)


FUNNY HOW?
Did you have any idea how many different ways there are to call a movie funny?

“Wickedly funny” (Changing Lanes) - Steve Oldfield (FOX-TV)
“Wickedly funny!” (Pumpkin) - Dennis Dermody (Paper)
“Wickedly funny” (Punch-Drunk Love) - Jack Mathews (New York Daily News)
“Wickedly funny.” (Roger Dodger) - Marshall Fine (The Gannett Journal News)

“Seriously funny” (Analyze That) - Joanna Langfield (The Movie Minute)
“Seriously funny!” (Comedian) - Joel Siegel (Good Morning America)

“Very funny!” (The Banger Sisters) - Mark S. Allen (KMAX-TV/UPN-TV (Sacramento)
“Very funny stuff” (Martin Lawrence Live: Runteldat) - Joe Leydon (San Francisco Examiner)
“Very, Very Funny!” (Snow Dogs) - Jim Svejda, KNX/CBS Radio

“Laugh-out Loud Funny” (Showtime) - Cathy Marshall
“Laugh-Out-Loud Funny!” (About a Boy) - Rex Reed (The New York Observer)

“Laugh-out-loud funny!” (The Hot Chick) - Joe Leydon (San Francisco Examiner)
“Laugh out loud, fall down funny!” (My Big Fat Greek Wedding) - Roxanne Battle (KARE-TV NBC)

“Hysterically funny!” (Undercover Brother) - Joel Siegel (Good Morning America)
“Hysterically funny” (Spy Kids 2) - Earl Dittman (Wireless Magazines)

“Painfully funny” (The Good Girl) - Kevin Thomas (Los Angeles Times)
“Painfully funny!” (Analyze That) - Larry King (Larry King Live)

“Piercingly funny” (Hollywood Ending) - Susan Stark (Detroit News)
“Scathingly funny! Bitingly funny” (Igby Goes Down) - Karen Durbin (Elle)
“Side-splittingly funny.” (The Importance of Being Earnest) - Loren King (The Boston Globe/Chicago Tribune)

“A Funny Funny Film.” (The Sweetest Thing) - Sheila McClure (AP Television)
“Real Funny!” (Showtime) - Joel Siegel (Good Morning America)
“Down-and-out funny” (Austin Powers in Goldmember) - Stephen Holden (The New York Times)
“Truly funny” (Martin Lawrence Live: Runteldat) - Desson Howe (The Washington Post)
”Extremely funny” (Kissing Jessica Stein) - Lou Lumenick (New York Post)
“Consistently funny” (Stuart Little 2) - Chris Jones (Chicago Tribune)
“Outrageously Funny!” (Undercover Brother) - Rene Rodriguez (The Miami Herald)
“Wildly funny!” (Confessions of a Dangerous Mind) - Roger Friedman (FoxNews.com)
“Roaringly funny” (24 Hour Party People) - Peter Travers (Rolling Stone)
“Volcanically funny!” (Bowling for Columbine) - Peter Travers (Rolling Stone)

“Funny as hell!” (Comedian) - Peter Travers (Rolling Stone)
“Pretty damned funny!” (The Hot Chick) - Ty Burr (The Boston Globe)
“Darkly funny” (The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys) - Peter Travers (Rolling Stone)
“Fearlessly Funny” (Storytelling) - Peter Travers (Rolling Stone)
“Insanely funny” (Showtime) - Shawn Edwards (FOX-TV – Kansas City)
“Maddeningly funny” (Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood) - Mike Janusonis (The Providence Journal)
“Sinfully funny” (Tadpole) - Peter Travers (Rolling Stone)

“Undeniably funny” (Serving Sara) - Jeffrey Lyons (WNBC-TV)
“Indescribably funny” (Adaptation) - Peter Travers (Rolling Stone)

WHEN FUNNY AIN’T ENOUGH
Sometimes it’s funny AND something else.

“Funny and Fast-Paced” (Showtime) - Jeffrey Lyons (WNBC-TV)
“Funny and revealing!” (Comedian) - Jeff Giles (Newsweek)
“Funny and sordid!” (Auto Focus) - Bruce Handy (Vanity Fair)
“Wickedly funny and dead-on” (Changing Lanes) - Steve Oldfield (FOX-TV)
“Extremely funny and achingly romantic” (Kissing Jessica Stein) - Lou Lumenick (New York Post)

“Seriously funny and offers up the most belly laughs of any movie this year.” (Analyze That) - Joanna Langfield (The Movie Minute)

“Funny and touching” (13 Conversations About One Thing) - Peter Travers (Rolling Stone)
“Funny and touching!” (Lovely & Amazing) - Peter Travers (Rolling Stone)

“Fresh and funny!” (The Wild Thornberrys) - Leonard Maltin (Hot Ticket/Playboy)
“Fresh, Funny and satirical!” (Showtime) - Kevin Thomas (Los Angeles Times)

“Hysterically funny and wildly entertaining.” (Spy Kids 2) - Earl Dittman (Wireless Magazines)
“Insanely funny and incredibly entertaining” (Showtime) - Shawn Edwards (FOX-TV – Kansas City)

“Sweetly Sexy and Funny!” (Italian for Beginners) - Peter Travers (Rolling Stone)
“Smart, sexy, funny and provocative!” (The Rules of Attraction) - Jamie Malanowski (Playboy)
“Smart and funny!” (Secretary) - Elizabeth Einstein (Esquire)
“Smart and funny!” (Knockaround Guys) - Tony Toscano (KJZZ-TV)
”Smart, sophisticated and funny” (Adaptation) - Clay Smith (Access Hollywood)

REFRESHINGLY FRESH
Who says nothing original comes out of Hollywood?

“Smart, utterly delightful, fresh and original” (Kissing Jessica Stein) - Lou Lumenick (New York Post)
“Fresh, fast and right on righteous” (Brown Sugar) - Richard Reid (Northwest Cable News Seattle)
“A sexy, fresh and wildly hip comedy!” (40 Days and 40 Nights) - Earl Dittman (Wireless Magazines)
“Terrifically cool, totally fresh and thoroughly entertaining!” (40 Days and 40 Nights) - Shawn Edwards (FOX-TV – Kansas City)
“Skillfully crafted, heartfelt, and altogether refreshing!” (The Other Side of Heaven) - Michael Medved (KRLA and SRN Radio Network)

“Refreshingly candid.” (Kissing Jessica Stein) - Roger Ebert (Chicago Sun-Times)
“An expert, refreshingly complex thriller.” (Read My Lips) - Lisa Schwarzbaum (Entertainment Weekly)
“A fresh and thrilling approach by director Brett Ratner.” (Red Dragon) - Jeffrey K. Howard (The Movie Guys/ABC-TV)

“A fresh and unexpected pleasure!” (8 Women) - Sarah Kerr (Vogue)
“Fresh and original!” (Cherish) - Leonard Maltin (Hot Ticket/Playboy)
“It’s fresh and new and different.” (Lilo & Stitch) - Leonard Maltin (Hot Ticket/Playboy)
“Fresh and funny!” (The Wild Thornberrys) - Leonard Maltin (Hot Ticket/Playboy)
“Fresh, Funny and satirical!” (Showtime) - Kevin Thomas (Los Angeles Times)
“Fresh, funny, fabulous!” (The Banger Sisters) - Mike Cidoni (ABC-TV)
“Refreshing and funny.” (The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course) - John Anderson (Newsday)

“The year’s most refreshing film.” (Two Weeks Notice) - Shawn Edwards (FOX-TV – Kansas City)

SUMMER SMASHES!
Ah, yes. The best movies of a three-month period.

“A fun summer movie for the whole family.” (Like Mike) - Bill Zwecker (FOX-TV)
“One of the most fun family films this summer.” (Stuart Little 2) - Joel Siegel (Good Morning America)
“A summer fantasy for the whole family.” (Like Mike) - Jeffrey M. Anderson (The San Francisco Examiner)
“The summer’s best family film.” (The Country Bears) – Jim Svejda (KNX/CBS Radio)

“The funniest film of the summer.” (Mr. Deeds) - Tony Toscano (KJZZ-TV)
“The funniest movie of the summer!” (Serving Sara) - Terry Shropshire (Rolling Out)
“The summer’s laugh-a-minute surprise comedy hit!” (Undercover Brother) - Bill Bregoli (Westwood One Radio Networks)
“This summer’s littlest hero is also the funniest!” (Stuart Little 2) - Richard Reid (Northwest Cable News Seattle)

“The Ideal Summer Movie” (Scooby-Doo) – Katherine Monk (Vancouver Sun)
”A great summer movie!” (The Sum of All Fears) - Mike Sargent (WBAI Radio)
“It’s great summer fun!” (Hey Arnold! The Movie) - C.W. Nevius (San Francisco Chronicle)
“A perfect summer movie” (Bad Company) - Paul Starke (Pure Oxygen)
“A perfect summer film.” (The Sum of All Fears) - Paul Fischer (Dark Horizons)
“The movie of the summer!” (Undercover Brother) - Arch Campbell (NBC-TV)
“The most entertaining movie of the summer.” (Reign of Fire) - Harry Knowles (Ain’t It Cool News.com)
“The most joyously imaginative movie of the summer!” (Spy Kids 2) - Gene Shalit (The Today Show)
“The most important film of the summer!” (The Sum of All Fears) - Mark S. Allen (KMAX-TV/UPN-TV (Sacramento)
“The ultimate summer movie!” (Blue Crush) - Jeffrey K. Howard (The Movie Guys/ABC-TV)

“Chistopher Nolan has raised the bar on summer thrillers.” (Insomnia) - Peter Travers (Rolling Stone)
“It’s the most fun you’ll have being scared this summer.” (Signs) - Clay Smith (Access Hollywood)
“The most terrifying movie of the summer!” (Halloween: Resurrection) - Jeffrey K. Howard (The Movie Guys/ABC-TV)
“A suspenseful end-of-the-summer surprise!” (Swimfan) - Clay Smith (Access Hollywood)

“The best popcorn flick of the summer” (XXX) - Chauncey Mabe (Ft. Lauderdale Sun Sentinel)
“The best action movie of the summer” (XXX) - Bill Zwecker (FOX-TV)
“This summer’s biggest thrill ride” (XXX) - Mark S. Allen (KMAX-TV/UPN-TV (Sacramento)
“Soars as the movie firecracker to beat this summer.” (Spider-Man) - Peter Travers (Rolling Stone)
”…Equals this summer’s hottest thriller! (The Sum of All Fears) - Amy Palma Ernst (FOX-TV)
“An adernaline rush! Make sure you catch the last big wave of the summer.” (Blue Crush) - Clay Smith (Access Hollywood)

“Proof positive that a summer movie can be wildly entertaining and intelligent.” (K-19: The Widowmaker) - Terry Lawson (Detroit Free Press)
”You can be sure there won’t be a better movie this summer.” (Road to Perdition) - Jonathan Foreman (New York Post)
“Blue Crush is what summer movies are all about.” (Blue Crush) - Jordan Riefe (United Nations Radio Network)

WHORE (N)EVERLASTING
Did you realize you were seeing one of the best EVER? Did the actors know? The filmmakers?

“Harrison Ford has simply never been better.” (K-19: The Widowmaker) - Terry Lawson (Detroit Free Press)
“Harrison Ford has never been better.” (K-19: The Widowmaker) - John Black (Boston Metro)
Matt Damon has never been better!” (The Bourne Identity) - Joel Siegel (Good Morning America)
“James Spader has never been better!” (Secretary) - Elizabeth Einstein (Esquire)

“Anthony Hopkins does it again – better than ever!” (Red Dragon) - Bill Zwecker (FOX-TV)
“Reese Witherspoon shines brighter than ever!” (Sweet Home Alabama) - David Sheehan (KCBS-TV)
“In his best performance to date, Mel Gibson is superb.” (We Were Soldiers) - Tony Toscano (KJZZ-TV)
“Mel Gibson is the best he’s ever been.” (We Were Soldiers) - John Procaccino (CBS-TV)
“Jason Patric gives the performance of a lifetime!” (Narc) - Bill Zwecker (FOX-TV)

“You will see sides of Harrison Ford and Liam Neeson’s acting craft you never saw before” (K-19: The Widowmaker) - Jeffrey Lyons (WNBC-TV)
“You’ll see a side of Hugh Grant you never saw before!” (About a Boy) - Jeffrey Lyons (WNBC-TV)
“George Clooney as you’ve never seen him.” (Solaris) - Bill Zwecker (FOX-TV)

“Goldie Hawn has one of the best roles of her career.” (The Banger Sisters) - Stephen Farber (Movieline)
“Ice Cube scores in the role of his career.” (Barbershop) - Pat Collins (WWOR-TV)
“A new summit in Mel Gibson’s career” (We Were Soldiers) - Michael Medved (KRLA and SRN Radio Network)
“A career-defining role for Andie Macdowell!” (Crush) - Richard Corliss (Time Magazine)
“Kinnear’s performance is a career-defining revelation.” (Auto Focus) - Jami Bernard (Daily News)

“Julianne Moore and Dennis Quaid give the performances of their career.” (Far From Heaven) - Peter Travers (Rolling Stone)
“Salma Hayek gives the performance of her career.” (Frida ) - Jeffrey Lyons (WNBC-TV)
“Diane Lane is brilliant, giving the performance of her career.” (Unfaithful) - Steve Oldfield (FOX-TV)

“Dustin Hoffman delivers the most heartfelt performance of his career.” (Moonlight Mile) - Richard Reid (Northwest Cable News Seattle)
“Cate Blanchett gives the most compelling screen performance of her career.” (Heaven) - Stephen Holden (The New York Times)
“Edward Norton gives one of the most poignant performances of his career” (25th Hour) - Jeffrey Lyons (WNBC-TV)
“Bullock is incredible. She gives one of the most astonishingly powerful and fiercely moving performances of her career.” (Murder By Numbers) - Earl Dittman (Wireless Magazines)
“Harrison Ford delivers an astonishingly calibrated performance that ranks among the best of his career.” (K-19: The Widowmaker) - Amy Longsdorf (Allentown Morning Call/Camden Courier Post)
“Harrison Ford…gives the most nuanced and believable performance of his career and proves why he is one of the best actors of our time.” (K-19: The Widowmaker) - Mike Sargent (WBAI Radio)

“There’s never been a more realistic depiction of the struggles and friendships that our men in uniform have endured” (Windtalkers) - Rich West (FMTV/LA)
“One of the best films about the inner lives of women, ever.” (Personal Velocity) - Julia Dahl (Marie Claire)

“Woody Allen’s funniest movie in years. The jokes are as biting and clever as he has ever written.” (Hollywood Ending) - John Anderson (Newsday)
“The funniest, darkest movie ever” (Death To Smoochy) - Cary Berglund (KCAL-TV)
“One of the edgiest romantic comedies ever made” (Punch-Drunk Love) - Geoff Pevere (The Toronto Star)
“One of the funniest movies ever to make its way into a theater.” (Jackass: The Movie) - Ben Rayner (Toronto Star)
“One of the smartest and funniest comedies ever” (National Lampoon’s Van Wilder) – Cineman Syndicate LLC

“The best Clancy to ever hit the big screen.” (The Sum of All Fears) - Colin Boyd (KZON Radio)

“The funniest Friday ever!” (Friday After Next) - Earl Dittman (Wireless Magazines)
“The best one ever!” (Pokemon 4Ever) - Elaine Blythe (Film Advisory Board)
“The funniest holiday movie of all time!” (Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nights) - Bill Zwecker (FOX-TV)
“One of the best war films ever made” (We Were Soldiers) - Bill Zwecker (FOX-TV)
“One of the Best Bond Films Ever!” (Die Another Day) - Bill Zwecker (FOX-TV)
“One of the best Star Trek journeys ever.” (Star Trek: Nemesis) - Jim Ferguson (FOX-TV/ KMSB-TV)
“One of the most erotic movies ever made.” (Sex and Lucia) - Jim Svejda (KNX/CBS Radio)
“One of the most beautiful and exciting animated features ever made.” (Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron) - Leonard Maltin (Hot Ticket/Playboy)
“One of the great journeys you are ever likely to see.” (Rabbit-Proof Fence) - Jeffrey Lyons (WNBC-TV)

“The Laughs Never Stop!” (Showtime) - Shawn Edwards (FOX-TV – Kansas City)
“The film has a snide tone that never lets up.” (Pumpkin) - Dennis Dermody (Paper)
“A smart, sophisticated caper that never stops moving.” (The Bourne Identity) - Leonard Maltin (Hot Ticket/Playboy)
“It grabs you by the throat and never lets go!” (The Sum of All Fears) - Earl Dittman (Wireless Magazines)
“Talking with animals has never been this much fun!” (The Wild Thornberrys) - Elaine Blythe (Film Advisory Board)

SHOUT THE TWISTS
Don’t you love when you are told the twists are coming?

“Ingeniously twisty” (Femme Fatale) - Joe Leydon (San Francisco Examiner)
“Plenty of twists and surprises.” (Blood Work) - Eleanor Ringel Gillespie (Atlanta Journal-Constitution)
“So jam-packed with twists and turns” (The Salton Sea) - Leah Rozen (People)

“A fast paced thriller that will keep you guessing to the end.” (High Crimes) - Tony Toscano (KJZZ-TV)
“A fast-paced thriller with a great twist.” (High Crimes) - Bill Zwecker (FOX-TV)
“A who-done-it with a great twist.” (Abandon) - Jim Ferguson (FOX-TV/ KMSB-TV)
“Don’t give away the ending!” (Abandon) - Mike Sargent (WBAI Radio)

THE OSCAR SEERS
Who is qualified to flash the flag and announce that the Oscar race is on? Should whores have licenses to make grand statements about who is going to be nominated? Especially in May.

“The First Oscar-Worthy Film of 2002” (We Were Soldiers) - Tony Toscano (KJZZ-TV)
“The first film of the summer that should be remembered in the Oscar race.” (Insomnia) - Peter Travers (Rolling Stone)
“Let the Oscar Watch begin!” (K-19: The Widowmaker) - Amy Longsdorf (Allentown Morning Call/Camden Courier Post)
“Harrison Ford is the first true Oscar contender for 2002.” (K-19: The Widowmaker) - Mike Sargent (WBAI Radio)

“Robin Williams earns what is sure to be an Oscar nomination for his poignant and exceptional performance.” (One Hour Photo) - Shawn Edwards (FOX-TV – Kansas City)
“Ms. Aniston should be a shoo-in for an Oscar.” (The Good Girl) - Andrew Sarris (New York Observer)
“An Oscar contender!” (White Oleander) - Josephine Cheng (KING-TV)
“You’ll be reading a lot about Moonlight Mile as the Oscar race heats up.” (Moonlight Mile) - Glenn Lovell (San Jose Mercury News)
“It has Oscar gold written all over it. Look for The Four Feathers to be one of the top Oscar contenders.” (The Four Feathers) - Marilyn Beck (Tribune Media Services)
“This movie and these performances will win many awards! A must-see sure-fire Oscar contender.” (Narc)- Mark S. Allen (KMAX-TV/UPN-TV (Sacramento)

“A performance by Pierce Brosnan that has Oscar written all over it!” (Evelyn) - Larry King (Larry King Live)
“A cinematic triumph that has Academy Awards written all over it. Harrison Ford is an extraordinary actor who gives a passionate, Oscar-caliber performance in a magnificently moving motion picture.” (K-19: The Widowmaker) - Earl Dittman (Wireless Magazines)
“Alison Lohman gives a stunning Oscar caliber performance in her feature debut.” (White Oleander) - Paul Clinton (CNN)
“Oscar caliber performances from Ray Liotta and Jason Patric” (Narc) - Joel Siegel (Good Morning America)

“An oscar-worthy tour de force” (One Hour Photo) - Bill Zwecker (FOX-TV)
“Aaron Eckhart in an Oscar-worthy star turn.” (Possession) - Bill Zwecker (FOX-TV)
“Dustin Hoffman, Susan Sarandon and Jake Gyllenhaal all give oscar-worthy performances.” (Moonlight Mile) - Paul Clinton (CNN)
“Ray Liotta gives an Oscar-worthy performance.” (Narc) - John Black (Boston Metro)
“Oscar quality performances by Michelle Pfeiffer and Alison Lohman” (White Oleander) - David Sheehan (KCBS-TV)

“Michelle Pfeiffer deserves an Oscar for her most powerful performance to date.” (White Oleander) - Thelma Adams (US Magazine)
“Norton deserves a best-actor Oscar nomination for his performance.” (25th Hour) - Thelma Adams (US Magazine)

“One of the year’s best. It’s Oscar time and this one is a contender. Nicolas Cage could get two Oscar nominations, one for best actor and one for supporting actor.” (Adaptation) - Joel Siegel (Good Morning America)
“Splendiferously Funky…I’d give it an Oscar.“ (Standing in the Shadows of Motown) - Joe Leydon (San Francisco Examiner)

Read the articles that started it all:
Whom Can You Trust? A Guide To Your Film Critics
http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/hbs.cgi?feature=525
Whom Can You Trust? A Guide To Your Film Critics (Part 2)
http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/hbs.cgi?feature=524

See the complete list of 2002:
Whom Can You Trust? A Guide To Your Film Critics (2002 Update) (a.k.a. Criticwatch)
http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/hbs.cgi?feature=559


link directly to this feature at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/feature.php?feature=699
originally posted: 03/05/03 14:18:42
last updated: 12/30/03 16:00:58
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