So, Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson, the boys of the semi-hit White Men Can’t Jump decide to team up again –minus Ron Shelton- but this time what they give us is a semi-bomb, which is Money Train. At first I quite liked it since back then, I only cared about guns, explosions ant tits (courtesy of Jennifer Lopez), but now, watching it again, I just felt stupider than what I was before.The gig is: John (Wesley) and Charlie (Woody) are brothers. Stepbrothers that is, and both are working for the NYPD, subway division. John has a straight, good life, while Charlie is, according to chief Donald Patterson (Robert Blake), a complete “fuck-up.” He and his brother fight over a piece of ass called Grace Santiago (J-Lo) who happens to be a new cop in the unit. Guess who wins? …Exactly, since Charlie is a fuck-up and John is Mr. Clean Motherfucker, it’s John who gets the girl, WHO WOULDN’T HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT FOR SHIT’S SAKE??!! And of course, Charlie fucks up even more, and Good old Patterson busts him and John out of the job. John dumps Charlie and gets beat up by a loan shark for not paying him, so now, the only route for him to come out as the “King of the Shit” is to rob the money train, hence the title. By the way, did we mention that John is going to help him like it or not?
"Runs out of Money and Steam Early"
By reading this, you immediately notice that the film is just another exhaustive exercise at predictability. Why oh why. The very minute you step on this train wreck, you immediately know what’s going to happen. You immediately know that Charlie is the “fuck-up” because the guy acts like an asshole, behaves like an asshole, gets beaten up by a loan shark because he owes money (AND HE’S A COP FOR CRYING OUT LOUD), he gets robbed of Grace by John, and –my favorite- gets robbed in the fucking train while busting some wallet-robbing fuck. Gosh, can’t this film get any more predictable?
Enough of this “fuck-up,” Lets see Johnny’s case now. Since he’s the good guy he’ll always come up on top, we know that, and he’ll always get the right girl, and even though there’s a rat motherfucker with gasoline tanks strapped in his balls dropping gasoline AND with a gun pointed at John, all he has to do is hit the gas trail with a pipe, duck and game over. Wait, and what about the gun? Didn’t the gas guy have a fucking gun pointed at him at point-blank and FAILS THE FUCKING SHOT???!!! Oh and of course, he’s the one who will kick the loan shark’s ass, and the one with all the right moves, and fuck the right girl, while Charlie is the BIG MOTHERFUCKING FUCK-UP!!!. What is this, some sort of “white trash” sentiment or what?
Ok, enough, this is about the Money Train, right, and it’s going to get fucking robbed. But you realize how much time I wasted explaining all this shit? That’s how long it takes to get to the FUCKING point. I mean half the film is already spoiled in the trailers, so what is there to know. All that hour wasted in developing the characters would’ve been explained in 15 minutes max, some films even take less time. But this is proof that the scripts shallowness, it’s basically a fucking dry stick with no intelligence whatsoever, in other words, if you can live through the entire exhausting, predictable and boring first hour, my congrats, prepare for the worst part. GEEZ, this is about the goddamn money train, right? Ok, now were in the train, and our Charlie gets more doses of bad luck because his plans fuck up. Wow, big surprise. Thank God I found something at least worthy of attention, which is that action scenes. I quite liked them and in fact, they’re the only things to like in this film. Ok, back to where we were, so the train becomes a runaway train, and now Patterson wants to stop those motherfuckers who are cruising on it. What does he do? Hey, since he’s Mr. Bad Guy, he doesn’t give a shit about any other trains full of passengers, so he puts one on the same track that the money train runs to stop it. Wait a second; HE KNOWS that that the train has no brakes. HOW THE FUCK DOES HE PLAN TO STOP THE TRAIN THEN??!! Let me make one thing clear, you give me the idea that these assholes took 100 wasted minutes to explain, and I would’ve brought to you more excitement and action in a 30-45 minute short-film. There’s too much tiring bullshit that has nothing to with the main idea, and if it does, it would’ve been explained in the very first minutes of the film. Had this film been a short-film, it would’ve been much better, guaranteed. Instead we have grueling formulaic exercise so fucked up that it took an hour and a half to explain, and that’s an hour and a half that I won’t get back.
The performances were awful; Wesley Snipes is on complete “action autopilot,” a trend that he would follow and would bring him nothing more than tiresome shit-ass action roles. Gosh, where’s the old, much reliable Wesley Snipes, the actor? Seems that aliens took him and replaced him with Wesley Snipes “the action star.” Woody Harrelson has always been an interesting actor to watch, since he seems to have fun with the roles that he plays, which I find pretty cool, but it ain’t enough. Jennifer Lopez is crap here, well; she’s crap in most of the films she appears since she’s just tits and ass rather than an actress. Robert Blake, YOU MOTHERFUCKING BITCH!!! You sucked here.In the end, this film is a train with no direction, and destined to become a train wreck. Don’t get me started with the fucking buddy-cop thing. You want a buddy cop film, rent Lethal Weapon or Red Heat. Don’t rent this film, there are better films than this to waste your time on, trust me. (1.5-5)
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originally posted: 04/05/02 23:17:00