If there ever was a way to show how NOT to make an epic, you should use this putrid shred of chicken scalp to make your point, though by the end of the film, you would’ve wish not to.There’s one thing that I’ve got to ask myself, why is it that whenever a crucial moment in history happens or when something out of the ordinary happens in the world, Hollywood tries to cash it in by releasing some of the crappies flicks ever to either “commemorate” or “simulate” or just simply cash on it? They did it in 1992 when it marked the 500th anniversary of the Discovery of America with this moronic crapfest and its competitor, the less shitty though still boring 1492: The Conquest of Paradise. They did it again with the releases of Volcano and Dante’s Peak due to I believe Mt. Pinatubo’s huge eruption in the Philippines back then. And then when that comet passed by Earth in 1996, they brought up more crapfests in the form of Deep Impact and Armageddon. So why?
Anyways, that’s my rant… Oh yeah, I was forgetting that I was reviewing this shitty movie, let me make it simple:
Its utter horse manure; a wannabe epic that paints Christopher Columbus as some womanizing swashbuckling hero (a la Musketeer) which is so idiotically laughable not to mention historically inaccurate; and it doesn’t help that Georges Corraface –who plays Columbus- backs it up with one of the worst performances ever. Somebody should’ve told director John Glen and especially Mario Puzo, John Briley and Carey Bates that THIS WAS NOT A GOD DAMN JAMES BOND MOVIE!!!
But Corraface’s looks like Larry fucking Olivier compared to the utter monstrosity of supporting players, consisting of notable actors behaving like a bunch of moronic jackasses. Tom Selleck as King Ferdinand; what in the blue fuck was that? Marlon Brando as Torquemada; good lord, what a shockingly hideous performance, especially since its Marlon fucking Brando for Christ’s sake! Rachel Ward as Queen Isabella? Don’t even go there. Oh by the way, Catherine Zeta-Jones is here too, just so you know.
Packed with unprecedented levels of dullness and plot components that go from the absolutely ridiculous (what the hell was that greedy knife-wielding Spaniard all about? And why is Christopher Columbus sometimes called Cristobal Colon? Either speak English or Speak Spanish damn it) to the completely atrocious (the mistreating of the natives, and the dreadful ending), this film is such a preposterous waste of celluloid that you’ll wish that the Earth would be actually truly flat and that Columbus’s ship would’ve fallen of the edge in order to spare us from this dimwitted, pointless sack of shit.And the blame lies right on Hollywood’s door for having a complete lack of respect for the importance of this event, insulting our intelligence throw us this crapfest of a movie that does nothing else but make Christopher Columbus rotate on his grave. Candidate for the worst film of 1992. 0-5