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Blade: Trinity

Reviewed By David Cornelius
Posted 12/14/04 15:01:18

"Another lousy Wesley Snipes movie. No surprise here."
2 stars (Pretty Crappy)

Here’s the short review: If you liked the first two “Blade” movies, you’ll like “Blade Trinity,” too. And if, like me, you thought the others were crap, you won’t be impressed by this third entry. That’s all there is to it, really. Oh, except that Van Wilder shows up, and that helps things a bit.

As a guy who thought the first movie was a laughable mess and the second was little improvement, I found myself surprisingly entertained by a decent sized chunk of “Trinity.” This is mostly thanks to a much needed sense of comic relief, humor to offset Wesley Snipes’ ridiculously overserious action star posturing/complete apathy toward everything else. The yuks come in the form of Ryan Reynolds, who pretty much plays the same smartass he plays in every movie, only this time, he’s a vampire hunter. (There’s also the underuse of Patton Oswalt in a bit role that adds some fun, but as he’s barely seen here, it’s up to Reynolds to make the movie tolerable.) There’s a great deal of giggling to be had when Reynolds tosses off dopey lines like “I ate a lot of garlic, and I just farted. Silent but deadly!” Tee hee.

So what’s the Pizza Place dude doing in a Blade movie? Turns out he and Jessica Biel are slayers who pop by to help Blade fight the good fight once Blade’s chum, Whistler (Kris Kristofferson, looking yet again like Drunk Santa), bites the dust once more; I swear, this Whistler fella dies what, seven times in each of these movies?

Anyway, Van Wilder, Willie Mays Hayes, and the “7th Heaven” sweetie team up to battle the First Vampire (Dominic Purcell), aka Dracula, aka Drake, aka Dagon, aka Geoffrey Q. Ticklebottom, Esq. This generic Eurotrash ubervamp has been dug up by vampire villainess Parker Posey, who, sadly, acts exactly like you’d expect Parker Posey to act in a “Blade” movie - overly outrageous in a self-aware, campish manner, but annoyingly so. (Worse, I can see next Halloween: thousands of pretentious goth chicks running around dressed up like Parker Posey. Yay.)

Anyway again, Parker Posey wants Drake to kill Blade, or whatever, before Blade’s new cohorts devise some sort of supervirus that’ll wipe out all the vamps in the world, or, again, whatever. At least the plot makes more sense than the last two movies, which isn’t really saying much, I suppose. Still, it’s all just piffle on which to hang a series of fight scenes and smartass one-liners.

Which reminds me... isn’t this supposed to have a mild level of horror to it? You know, vampires and all? Yeah, I know at its heart its an action movie, but considering the efforts “Blade II” took to add some creepiness, you’d think there’d be more jumps to “Trinity” than there are (which add up to one scene in which Natasha Lyonne gets stalked in the dark by Drake, yawn). This is supposed to be the First Vampire, the scariest mofo of the bunch! Here’s a chance to really dig deep and combine action and horror, and all writer/director David S. Goyer (who wrote all three of these films) gives us are a few weak attempts at minor creepiness.

But then, even as a straight actioner, “Trinity” falls flat. Snipes looks like he doesn’t even want to be here, and the rest of the cast have to work overtime to pick up the slack. Meanwhile, there’s no zing to any of the action set pieces, no thrills to the storyline. The only thing keeping one watching is the banter, and even that gets tired after a while. So while this third entry is the best in the series, it’s still a long way off from being the clever thrill ride it thinks it is.

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