Dracula 3000Reviewed By David Cornelius
Posted 12/04/04 17:44:40
I wish I were kidding when I tell you that “Dracula 3000” stars Casper Van Dien, Erika Eleniak, Tiny Lister, Udo Kier, and Coolio. Coolio! This movie’s one Ice-T or Dean Cain short of being a direct-to-video all-star parade.The film (no relation to “Dracula 2000,” by the way) is one of those perfect examples of video shelf B movie badness: it’s a quickie knock-off of countless other films, populated by the has-beens and the never-wases, produced and directed with hacklike blandness. It’s a great pick for people who like their movies hilariously stupid and embarrassingly derivative.
We find our heroes piloting some spacecraft way out in “the Carpathian System,” where they find a ship that’s been adrift for fifty years. Seems something bad happen to the crew after a visit to “Transylvania Station.”
I swear this is a real movie.
Anyway, hoping to make some scratch by salvaging what’s left, the spunky crew of six hop aboard to investigate - only to find their ship’s been mysteriously jettisoned, leaving them stranded. With nothing better to do, they keep looking, until Coolio (Cooli-freaking-o!!) turns up dead, and with bite marks on his neck.
I should mention right now, before I get to all the Vampire Coolio stuff, that Van Dien plays Captain Abraham Van Helsing, meaning that if you thought you’ve already seen the worst movie this year to have a Van Helsing in it, you are sadly mistaken.
But back to the plot. As you can guess, Coolio quickly turns into Vampire Coolio, who attacks the crew and then verbally assaults Eleniak with this were-they-trying-to-be-funny? line: “Did I ever tell you how many times I’d see you and want to ejaculate all over your bazonkas?”
It’s moments like these that remind you that no matter how truly gawdawful a movie gets, the inescapable fact is that hundreds of people worked on it, none of whom thought to mention that hey, maybe that “bazonkas” line might be really, really bad. But then, the whole thing plays like this - at one point, Tiny Lister turns to Eleniak and says, “if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you twice, always put out the Do Not Disturb sign,” in what I think was supposed to be a Swarzenegger-esque quip, only it makes zero sense. (And let’s not even get into the film’s last two minutes, in which logic and coherency get chucked out the airlock. It’s as if they ran out of film two days early and had to go with what they had.)
I can hear a few of you wondering, hey, wasn’t this supposed to have Dracula in it? Yes, but you’ll be sorry you asked. Drac appears here in the form of British actor Langley Kirkwood, a man whose name alone should imply why he should never, ever play Dracula. Worse, while everyone else is running around in pseudo-futuristic garb, the Count’s still wearing his cape with oversized collar. His is the least effective vampire since Count Chocula.
As if none of this were enough, we also get big laughs in the form of the shoddy production values. Here we are, floating around deep space in the year 3000, as evident from all the computers and pipes along the walls and the futuristic lingo and... um... hey, is that a VCR and a 19” RCA TV in the background?Yeah, it’s that kind of movie. Sweet gravy, this one’s awful, incompetent, and far funnier than you could have ever hoped. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.
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