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Mansquito

Reviewed By David Cornelius
Posted 03/14/05 20:58:07

"It's called 'Mansquito.' 'Nuff said."
2 stars (Pretty Crappy)

“Mansquito” is exactly the kind of movie you’d expect from something titled “Mansquito.” Plus, it stars Corin Nemic, best known from his days on the early Fox sitcom “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose,” meaning you’ll spend the whole time making bad puns about how sometimes Parker Lewis can, in fact, lose. Ahem.

The good news is that it delivers exactly what it promises. There’s plenty of monster movie silliness and a good supply of gore, leaving the horror fans out there pleased, if not completely satisfied. It’s as silly as you’d hope, complete with Guy In Rubber Suit playing the title character. And, come on, it’s hard not to love a movie in which a beleaguered cop moans, “I can’t put out an APB on a seven foot mosquito!” Or, better yet, one in which Parker Lewis stares down our monster, yells “Hey! Mansquito!!,” then shoots him with a rocket launcher. That’s good movie, right there.

The bad news is that there’s not much more than this. “Mansquito” is a movie that sadly takes itself too seriously (it desperately needs some more tongue in its cheek, like the similar 2001 made-for-cable effort “Earth Vs. the Spider”), and yet it doesn’t take itself seriously enough for it to be completely hilarious on an unintentional level.

Instead, it gets stuck somewhere in between, playing everything by the numbers, leaving it lame and predictable. The plot is obvious in its heading, making every move straight out of the Monster Movie Handbook: Sexy Scientist (Musetta Vander) hopes to fight the West Nile Virus with some genetically altered mosquitoes; Crazed Killer (Austin Jordon) busts loose, lands in Sexy Scientist’s lab, and gets zapped with the mosquito DNA juice; Sexy Scientist’s boyfriend, Squinty Cop (Nemic), is on the case; Crazed Killer turns into Mansquito; Sexy Scientist, too, is turning into a Mosquito-American (Shesquito? Ms. Squito?); Mansquito keeps trying to mate with Sexy Scientist; Squinty Cop cracks the case and gets involved in a handful of showdowns with Mansquito.

It pains me to say that none of this is nearly as fun as it should have been. Any movie with a plot this insane must, by all accounts, be either outrageously stupid or deliciously, self-consciously entertaining. “Mansquito” is neither. Aside from a few moments of uncontrollable idiocy (mostly involving the grand miscasting of nice guy Nemic as badass cop), there’s very little here that manages to do anything other than bore.

Granted, fans of Bad Movies will get a kick out of such dialogue as “He’s more mosquito now than man,” but such giddiness is few and far between. Even when the movie tries to be brave and give us something fresh - in one scene, cops on the scene unexpectedly turn coward and decide to save their own hides - it eventually stumbles, falling back on reliable plot points and monotonous hunt-kill-blood, hunt-kill-blood horror scenes. If you’re going to go balls out and name your movie “Mansquito,” then you need the goods (or bads, as it were) to back it up. With this effort, goods and bads are in short supply. Pity.

“Mansquito” is being released on home video under the far less enjoyable title “Mosquito Man.” Which is a shame; if you’re going to make a crap-ass monster movie, why not give it the crap-assiest title you can? “Mosquito Man?” Yawn. “Mansquito?” Yes, yes, and yes.

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