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Overall Rating
2.09

Awesome: 6.82%
Worth A Look: 11.36%
Just Average: 15.91%
Pretty Crappy: 15.91%
Sucks50%

2 reviews, 32 user ratings


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Assassins
[AllPosters.com] Buy posters from this movie
by Ryan Arthur

"Ack. Ack, I say."
1 stars

Horribly implausible and boring as hell. An action movie without action.

Sylvester Stallone plays a hitman named Robert Rath. Antonio Banderas plays a hitman named Miguel Bain. The two end up gunning for each other, then going after the same target, Electra (Julianne Moore). Rath decides to help her, 'cause he likes her cat. Or something. So he plans to steal an assload of cash, with the help of Electra, right out from under Bain's nose. Bain sets himself up with his nifty-looking high-powered rifle in a rickety old hotel accross the street from the bank where Rath's going to make his withdrawl and waits. And waits. And waits.

Then he goes inside to talk to Rath (!), who knows Bain is gonna take a shot at him. They shmooze. Meanwhile, Electra heads into the rickety old hotel and tries to swipe Bain's gun (this was all part of Rath's master plan, you see). She promptly falls through a hole in the floor and gets stuck.

Bain comes back out and gets back in his sniper position and gets ready to take Rath out. Rath, who's been talking to Electra via earpiece the whole time, apparently doesn't hear her when she falls through the floor, and doesn't know Bain still has his gun.

So Rath walks out, briefcase full of cash, in broad daylight, with his hand to his ear, telling Electra he's got the dough and wondering why she's not answering. When lo and behold, he looks up and sees Bain taking aim.

Stop for a second. What do you think will happen? Will Rath duck and cover while Bain takes numerous shots, all just barely missing? Will Rath make a beeline back into the bank? Will Rath use the brifcase as a shield and head across the street to face Bain one on one?

Nope. Rath will stare at Bain. Bain will TALK TO HIMSELF.

The climax isn't important. Hell, the buildup isn't even important. It's a dumb movie. Stallone tries to play it cool, 'cause he's a stone cold killer, you know, he just talks in hushed tones and shows very little emotion. Like understanding him was easy to begin with. Banderas' English is more mushmouth than anything, so we practically need subtitles.

The action is nonexistent, the plot's preposterous (you'd expect more from a story written by Larry and Andy Wachowski, the writers/directors of Bound), and the acting sucks.

Even for a Stallone movie, this one's a stinker.

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=1250&reviewer=7
originally posted: 01/19/99 10:27:47
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User Comments

9/13/17 morris campbell boring action movie 1 stars
2/06/10 PAUL SHORTT SILLY ACTION THRILLER WITH NASTY CHARACTERS 1 stars
11/18/09 Jeff Wilder Obviously written on an all night mountain dew binge (nothing wrong with M Dew), 1 stars
4/04/08 garrett all right 3 stars
8/12/06 Sepi53 Too long, but okay! 3 stars
5/04/06 Aldo REALLY ENJOYED IT ...Banderas Steals the show in this 5 stars
1/25/06 JM Synth The weakest Sly movie I've seen mostly boring 2 stars
9/24/05 D Buckley Scorcher 1 stars
9/14/05 Tom Burns A good action movie. Stallone and Banderas were good together. 4 stars
8/19/05 ES Lame, silly, stupid, wasn't this thing released as the specialist or something 1 stars
8/18/05 Abhie One of the best thrilers performance oiented films of all time 5 stars
7/28/05 tony it was good. 3 stars
3/28/05 tatum Some good action, but way overlong 3 stars
1/17/05 albert should be 25 minutes shorter 3 stars
1/04/05 Carly Austin One of the most implausibel films of all time. 1 stars
1/04/04 Pat A smart, clever thriller. It's not your typical action film, which is why it's good. 4 stars
11/28/03 Agent Sands Banderas is a good villain, Wachowskis make an ambitious start. This is underrated fun. 4 stars
11/28/03 john something went dreadfully wrong here 2 stars
12/03/02 R.W. Welch Banderas is the only one even trying to make something of this, but it's no go. 2 stars
9/14/02 Joe Zappa (I'm Back!) "Assassins" is a decent action movie from the Wachowski brothers. 4 stars
5/09/02 Max Dumbed down. Way way down. 2 stars
8/08/01 E-Funk Banderas and Stallone equally stink in this pile of elephant shit. 1 stars
2/19/01 INCUBATOR Fuck ya all, this movie is good. 5 stars
11/27/00 Cristopher Revilla First time, loved it , second time, hated it , third time, wanted to fucking kill somebody 1 stars
2/02/00 Matthew James Quite enjoyable no-brainer action movie 4 stars
9/22/99 Matt It's so realistic! Aren't all laptops able to communicate without modems or telephone lines 2 stars
4/14/99 Jon Jackson I guess it's kinda got some action? 2 stars
4/01/99 The Incredible Sulk Crud. I repeat, crud. 1 stars
3/30/99 Ah Dooey Whatever happened to Sly? 1 stars
3/17/99 Madcap cheez whiz 2 stars
11/03/98 cyanide rush better writing would have made this movie cooler 3 stars
11/01/98 MR HOLLYWOOD !! Cant understand a word Sylvester or Banderas say.Julianne moore gives the movie a spark. 3 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  06-Oct-1995 (R)

UK
  N/A

Australia
  02-Feb-1996 (M)




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