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Overall Rating
1.77

Awesome: 4.6%
Worth A Look: 3.45%
Just Average: 8.05%
Pretty Crappy: 32.18%
Sucks51.72%

9 reviews, 33 user ratings


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Stealth
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by Greg Ursic

"A total plane wreck"
1 stars

In an effort to stem the ever growing and sophisticated terrorist movement, the US Navy embarks on a program to enhance their preemptive capabilities: they assemble the best pilots in the Navy and outfit them with most amazing planning and attack systems that money can’t buy. After three years of selection and training the elite trio, consisting of Kara Wade (Jessica Biel), the beautiful perfectionist, Henry Purcell Jamie Foxx), the hip-hop hotshot and Lt. Ben Gannon (Josh Lucas), the I’ll-follow-my-gut-instinct- squad leader prepare for their first mission, only to discover that they are getting a new wingman. Their worries are heightened when they discover that EDI is the ultimate in autopilot technology, a computer endowed with artificial intelligence. Before you can say Isaac Assimov, a freak accident fries EDI’s circuitry which allows him to learn at an exponential rate and leads to the development of a frightening independent amoral streak.

If you’re thinking “Wait a second, a movie with cocky jet jockies and intelligent robots running amok? I’ve seen those movies before” you’re not alone. Indeed director Rob Cohen and writer WD Richter are relying on that. Which leads to their first problems – movies like Top Gun or 2001: A Space Odyssey are part of collective moviegoing consciousness and any derivative interpretations will not go unnoticed. Cohen and Ricther might want lie low for the following weeks.

After a particularly scathing review, I’m often asked, “if it had a better script/actors/special effects could this movie have been redeemed?” The answer is usually a solid “Maybe”. This is also true in the case of Stealth – all they need do is shred the master print, and every copy that was made and start from scratch. I jest not. The script is Cohen and Richter’s first crime against humanity: unable to decide on what kind of movie to make, they threw together elements from several genres. This need not be an impediment: Terminator was a great sci-fi action film with elements of doomed loved, whereas Short Circuit was a great sci-fi comedy with very real moral questions. Richter however chooses to ramble off on several tangents as he tries to weave together his incoherent story. The problem is that the story abruptly switches gears and rambles off to explore another avenue whenever the plot starts to make sense. For example Richter tries to infuse the story with a doomed love affair to spice things up, but he never follows through with it – the character’s exchange smiles, and distant knowing glances, ultimately to leave one another to their own devices. Brace yourself, it gets worse.

I not only accept that a popcorn flick is going to have sketchy and at times downright groan inducing dialogue, I expect it. But even the most borderline illiterate summer fare looks Shakespearean in comparison to Stealth’s ludicrous C-movie ramblings: all around me mocked the proceedings, guessing the dialogue before it was spoken onscreen. Either there was sudden burst of ESP among the audience or, well, you can draw your own conclusions. Lest you think I’m simply a bitter critic, I offer these classic gems as proof: the erudite “I fly jets. I like to go fast”, the stalwart “We never leave a wingman behind”, the breathless “You came back for me” (absolutely hilarious in its context), and the ultimate in witty repartee “I have to go pee-pee” (uttered twice, and only once in jest). If only the tragedy stopped here.

Given the borrowed mess of a story, clearly the bulk of the movie’s $120 million went to the special effects. Apparently $120 million doesn’t buy what it used to - while several of the flight sequences looked quite impressive, most of the CGI sequences were laughably amateurish. The attack on the terrorist fortress for example could have easily been rendered on someone’s laptop. By ten year-old. Using Word. I was particularly annoyed by the chase sequences, which are clearly an attempt to recreate the racing sequences from The Fast and the Furious (Cohen’s film). Obviously no one bothered to inform them that without land based reference points all you’re left with is a fuzzy, impossible to follow mess that risks sparking seizures among audience members. .

Burdened with trite, predictable dialogue a ridiculous collection of poorly connected storylines and notoriously variable special effects, Stealth crystallizes everything that’s wrong with summer movies into one cohesive package. Its only “redeeming” quality is that it’s an unintentional laugh riot. If you’re thinking about going to see it, don’t. If you do, don’t come crying to me when you’ve blown your ten bucks and have nothing to show for it.

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=12659&reviewer=399
originally posted: 07/30/05 15:19:33
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User Comments

8/12/08 Shaun Wallner This movie has some great scenes in it. 5 stars
6/15/07 al smith leave your brain at the door and you will have a good time 4 stars
4/18/07 Stevo UK As pleasurable as a meteor strike to the balls. 1 stars
2/22/07 David Pollastrini Jessica Biel is hot! 2 stars
9/29/06 Stanley Thai Filled with great action scenes and a good plot. Come on people, where's the love? 3 stars
7/27/06 drydock54321 do you really think he could have found her from the air and all the landscape. 2 stars
7/27/06 Alonso Bonilla bleak, boring, and just plain stupid, people, do not watch this movie! 1 stars
2/05/06 cody a pretty good action flick, with edge seat action scenes! fun time 4 stars
12/28/05 tony Not even close. This movie is without a doubt one of the worst movies in hollywood! 1 stars
12/21/05 tina mateer boring!!! If it did not cost so much to go see, would of left right away 1 stars
12/17/05 J.D. Pittman III Come on people! You know that movie was tight! 5 stars
12/05/05 Carolyn good explosions and sfx, nice eye candy worth a rental 3 stars
11/28/05 JH Oh Dear God. Make It Stop. Killer Tomatos was better. 1 stars
11/27/05 ELI Planes fall down go BOOM! That's a pretty complex plot! Eh, the planes looked nice 2 stars
11/27/05 Evil Wolfie The action was nice looking..... at least. 3 stars
11/24/05 shaun wallner i thought this movie was pretty good but i didnt like the music 2 stars
11/23/05 Narcs Cool planes.. but too fake and video game oriented. 3 stars
11/13/05 Lanie Richardson Not the best movie... but I liked it. 4 stars
10/11/05 Josh Swanson Not the greatest movie, but Jessica Biel ain't bad on the eyes. 2 stars
10/05/05 Ava Rice Jessica Biel thinks her shit don't stink; otherwise film coulda been 90% more watchable. 3 stars
10/03/05 poo it's so bad it's funny. good for a larf. 2 stars
9/16/05 Green Gremlin Makes "Top Gun" look like "Saving Private Ryan" !!! 2 stars
9/14/05 Pinkline Jones Cohens couldn't direct a turd down a Toto toilet 1 stars
9/13/05 Jonathon Holmes Foxx should be ashamed of himself 1 stars
9/12/05 Summer 2 hours too long! 2 stars
8/07/05 E Well, this is quite underrated 5 stars
8/07/05 ^ZuLu^ stereotypes - sfx - sfx - forseeable - stupid ending - yawn 1 stars
8/04/05 Jake Shocker A Thriller. 5 stars
7/31/05 KingNeutron Good FX, ridiculous dialogue, ridiculous plotline. 2 stars
7/31/05 ClaranceTheCobra If Jessica Biel Had balls, I'd probably lick 'em 2 stars
7/30/05 Naka Nope! 1 stars
7/26/05 Ice-T too heavy on the effects and blur 3 stars
7/26/05 WilliamPrice standard zoom and boom 3 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  29-Jul-2005 (PG-13)
  DVD: 15-Nov-2005

UK
  N/A

Australia
  08-Sep-2005


Directed by
  Rob Cohen

Written by
  W.D. Richter

Cast
  Josh Lucas
  Jessica Biel
  Jamie Foxx
  Sam Shepard
  Joe Morton
  Richard Roxburgh



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