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Overall Rating
2.73

Awesome: 19.09%
Worth A Look: 24.55%
Just Average: 6.36%
Pretty Crappy: 10%
Sucks40%

9 reviews, 56 user ratings


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Elizabethtown
[AllPosters.com] Buy posters from this movie
by Marc Kandel

"“A lifeless, droning shoggoth of cyclopean self-indulgence.”"
1 stars

I just went Lovecraft on your ass motherfucker. That’s how much your home movie/high school breakup cd annoyed me. It was like being dragged down in a tar pit to the sounds of… well, your soundtrack.

I’m so happy Cameron Crowe can get Tinseltown and the average moviegoer to fund his desperately needed parent-loss therapy. I’m amazed that no one apart from Cameron Crowe has actually lost their father. I mean, how could we? No one who has ever lost a parent could possibly bring across this pathos, this poignant look at loss, grief, and reconciliation with the dead, as this man, who has forced us to devote three meandering hours of our time for what amounts to a ginormous pity party. I might as well dig mine up. How can anyone else’s loss possibly compete with this monomaniac’s crusade to show everyone how much he loves Da Da by practically stapling it to each and every audience member’s forehead through this aggressively scribbled goodbye note?

Plot: Boy loses job. Boy loses father. Boy meets girl. Boy does the ol’ standby montage of driving to a copiously compiled, lacking, yet still trying-to-be-reminiscent-of-“The Graduate” soundtrack. Boy and Girl cocktease audience with an emotional blue-balling relationship that never seems ready to happen. Rinse, repeat. Rinse, repeat. Susan Sarandon makes me physically wince in embarrassment for her. Flaming Bird Piñata gives a brief chuckle, and then dashes audience hopes of taking out the entire cast and crew in a cleansing holocaust by proving to be only a harmless visual gag. Rinse, repeat. Rinse Repeat. Rinse, Repeat. Finita de la bomba. I think there was some fucking involved, but damned if I noticed by that point. A close up of Jessica Biel giving the standard issue office bitch/social climber stare got me hard for about half a minute- then the close up of Alec Baldwin took that sucker out completely.

I was glad to see an old friend of mine playing one of the hotel staff at the counter- Alison Munn. I think I saw a glimpse of her in White Oleander before this film and before that Fez’s crazy girlfriend on “That 70’s Show.” I’m happy that she’s getting work out there, despite not being in movies I really want to see, and TV that Ashton Kutcher’s continual overexposure has soured me on. Alison’s also changed her hair color to red. Looks good, and makes me consider actually hunting down Kirsten Dunst and slaying her so that Allie might have a shot as a solid replacement Mary Jane Watson in the next Spider-Man film- kind of a “Theatre of Blood” plot to do a solid for an old buddy from acting school days. Am I off point or what? Perhaps not. You see, these are the thoughts that ran through my mind during the picture. Note that not one of these thoughts is, “Wow, what a truly transcendent film-going experience. Once again Crowe has taken a piece of the everyman’s soul and sculpted it into a living breathing example of what makes life tick- bookended with a couple good tunes for me to download.” Nope. I certainly could hear my watch tick though; Every Damn Endless Second of this broccoli-flavored taffy pull.

I’m going back to my “Vanilla Sky” review and removing one star because of this one. It’s evident now that what I saw as unstable, murky fluctuation in that film was a symptom of a director’s increasing need to make the importance of the movie itself more important than the core story or characters. And the characters! Oy veyz mere. Every extra that didn’t make it into “Parenthood” or “Sweet Home Alabama” has been lured off the streets and let loose in this Kentucky Fried Setting to shamble around soullessly delivering clichés with all the verve of the zombies they so resemble. Remember people, aim for the brain. They’ll fall down if you aim for the brain…

And what is this, the thirtieth film where Kirsten Dunst portrays the vivacious, carefree, damn tomorrow, live for today, empty rhetoric spewing nymph that lures the uptight, emotionally dead leading man back to the light? I’m starting to believe that her success in the Spidey films simply goes to fund some nefarious personal goal of toppling Drew Barrymore from the throne of this sub-genre. Drew called, my dear. She said you could have the spot. She took a shit there and left for greener pastures. Like Adam Sandler team-ups and Family Guy voiceovers.

Orlando Bloom looks just as bored as I was, and even less interested in the proceedings around him. I don’t blame him. I viewed the final, edited process. He had to shamble around what must have been a gargantuan amount of takes, trailer waiting time and didn’t even have a sword or a bow to play with (though the suicide machine was inventive and was one of the two laughs this movie elicited from me). But at least he got paid for his time- I lost $17.00 between tickets for my wife and myself and got a sore throat from trying to choke myself to death with Swedish Fish to escape the horrific stupor washing over me when I realized at four separate points in the film that it was nowhere near over and still hadn’t gone anywhere. A full viewing of all three director’s cuts of the Lord of the Rings trilogy would represent a faster flow of time in my mind’s eye. After the immeasurable wait time Bloom must have suffered through filming those, finding himself in a similar situation with not an ounce of quality in sight must have been soul-crushing.

Am I being too hard here? Ignoring some technical expertise or craft at work due to my predilection to look down on dramedies such as this? Let’s see- almost a month after viewing the film am I now ready to task my mind with replaying it in my memory enough to give you my impressions here. What an excruciating example of directorial masturbation. I began actively pursuing other stimuli during this film, twisting in my chair, scratching, looking at other theatergoers, many of which were pre- and fully-teen girls ooohing and aaaahing over ever syrupy, sugary bit of pabulum doled out between the romantic leads- despite the fact that it was nothing they hadn’t seen at least 150 times before on the average episode of anything the WB has to offer their demographic. This did not help matters a whit with regard to my ability to endure the film, nor did it leave me with a particularly positive world-view of my fellow human beings- in fact, I began to understand why so many slasher flick antagonists target this particular subset of women. I certainly want to now. This then is the feeling the film stirred in me- the urge to kill.

My wife appeared to enjoy it, but was too exhausted from the marathon of getting through the flicktoon to be up for much playtime afterwards. So this suckhole didn’t even fulfill its function as a date move. Lame

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=12837&reviewer=358
originally posted: 11/02/05 11:17:03
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OFFICIAL SELECTION: 2005 Toronto Film Festival For more in the 2005 Toronto Film Festival series, click here.
OFFICIAL SELECTION: 2005 Chicago Film Festival For more in the 2005 Chicago Film Festival series, click here.

User Comments

4/05/16 Lucia There is literally NOTHING likable about any of the characters in this film. 1 stars
3/18/14 Fykvvqfc Since Aflac japanese remains the No.Men left sterile by cancer treatment as well as with th 4 stars
2/21/14 Bgpstiag 99 unlimited streaming and binary options australia turn it into something bigger., <a href 5 stars
2/19/14 Lola This is the funniest, most spot-on review of this film -- I laughed so hard I peed myself 5 stars
2/13/14 gGrWfmlqrQcdI sverige.txt;1 4 stars
7/01/10 Ninjaboy This dude has written the BEST movie review I have EVER read. It is accurate and 100% corre 1 stars
3/15/10 Shoy I think this reviewer's got issues beyond his hatred of Elizabethtown. I enjoyed the film. 4 stars
2/21/10 Cat Garbage on every leve. As a chick it is ofensive. Orlando Bloom is wooden in this film. 1 stars
1/25/10 Ato I'm happy people have finally realised that Orlando Bloom IS NOT A LEADING MAN!! 1 stars
12/21/09 tom absolutely terrible. No redeemable merit AT ALL! 1 stars
7/18/09 Meg WORST. EVER. 1 stars
11/03/08 Will sucked balls. 1 stars
10/25/08 John McCarthy I had to give up half way through and read angry reviews to feel normal again 1 stars
8/21/08 Stephanie Oh my god, this movie was AWFUL. Pointless, boring, and 2.5 hours of my life GONE FOREVER! 1 stars
8/13/08 Brenda I didn't like it. The main character is unlikable. It has huge sections of nothing. Dull! 1 stars
4/26/08 Pinoy Kabayan Very good. Ilike it 5 stars
4/25/08 Roz Couldn't stand it. Boring on so many levels. 1 stars
4/09/07 Jessie Lee Good film... Not perfect, but not the horrid trash some may lead you to believe. 3 stars
3/10/07 Dominic Rubbish - and this is from someone who is an unabashed Almost Famous fan 1 stars
10/22/06 meredith the feel of the movie was fantastic but the plot was a little piontless but i loved the dia 4 stars
8/25/06 Joe Chris Parry's review is more amusing than the film. Watch "Jerry Maguire" again instead. 2 stars
8/14/06 Ashley Hinz Strange little movie, but fine. 4 stars
5/19/06 Christine Wilbik Boring, lost interest in the movie immediately 2 stars
3/25/06 Thomas Semesky A film that I liked, but I can understand why others wouldn't 3 stars
3/14/06 Michelle D Just read Chris Parry's review. 1 stars
3/12/06 Roderick Cromar Really not good. It's difficult either to believe the plot or to sympathise with the leads. 2 stars
2/27/06 Kevin Smith Orlando Bloom is not a good actor 1 stars
2/25/06 Murray Snowdon total and utter waste of time - pathetic 1 stars
2/23/06 ES Didn't hate it, didn't love it. Re-watchability 0% 3 stars
12/21/05 Kirsten Dunst fan in mourning starting with virgin suicides Painful seeing Kirsten Dunst morph into totally thinking her shit don't stink! 1 stars
12/17/05 Once great Kirsten Dunst continues downward spiral. Anyone else find Claire to be obnoxious?? 2 stars
11/08/05 kammie love love loved it!!! 5 stars
11/08/05 tanja some good ideas and curious dialogues mixed with poor acting 3 stars
11/06/05 rod james Total boring rubbish 1 stars
11/05/05 Laura petersen one of my favorites, more of a chick flick and im not even a orlando fan 5 stars
10/23/05 GiR It was adorable..but not worth paying to see it..good thing I work at a movie theatre. 4 stars
10/23/05 Don A good "substitute" for the movie you came to see . . . 4 stars
10/23/05 John I turned to my wife halfway through, and said that I want to get on his bicycle now 1 stars
10/22/05 jay straight forward poop 1 stars
10/22/05 baseball-nut I didn't care for it, but my wife liked it considering she's an Orlando Bloom fan! 3 stars
10/21/05 Boombala Hey If Kirsten Dunst's head exploded, would it affect her acting? 1 stars
10/20/05 john mills The Congo of romance. Simply awful!!! 1 stars
10/20/05 Bri really, really good! definately worth watching 5 stars
10/19/05 odditie Please make better decisions Orlando! 1 stars
10/18/05 Steve Michaud Even "lesser" Cameron Crowe is scads better than most of the stuff churned out these days. 4 stars
10/18/05 Ron Sandvick Excellent and fun 5 stars
10/17/05 Ryan Possibly a movie that non-20somethings just won't get. Understandably. 4 stars
10/16/05 ajay man, there's a lot of people down on Cameron Crowe. It's not a bad flick. 3 stars
10/16/05 jeff just stupid!!! 1 stars
10/15/05 Cara Undoubtedly, this is the worst movie I have ever seen in my entire 54 years of existence. 1 stars
10/15/05 Tommy Adams Left me speechless, as few moviews have. Loved it! 5 stars
10/14/05 Jim The Movie Freak This should've been better 3 stars
10/14/05 Criddler Diddler More embarassingly inept garbage from pretentious hack Cameron Crowe? Hurray! 1 stars
10/11/05 Alonso Duralde Horrible! Cutesy/phony/precious/fartsy—maybe even worse than "Vanilla Sky." Avoid! 1 stars
10/10/05 Dan Moore very insightful film on human nature 5 stars
9/28/05 E. Northam Lightweight, predictable romantic comedy 2 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  14-Oct-2005 (PG-13)
  DVD: 07-Feb-2006

UK
  N/A

Australia
  03-Nov-2005


Directed by
  Cameron Crowe

Written by
  Cameron Crowe

Cast
  Orlando Bloom
  Kirsten Dunst
  Susan Sarandon
  Judy Greer
  Jessica Biel
  Alec Baldwin



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