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Overall Rating
2.01

Awesome: 3.7%
Worth A Look: 7.41%
Just Average: 14.07%
Pretty Crappy: 35.56%
Sucks39.26%

11 reviews, 69 user ratings


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Doom
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by Erik Childress

"Where’s Tron When You Need Him?"
1 stars

Gamers the past two weeks were treated to two big announcements. One was that Steven Spielberg was going to be developing games for Electronic Arts; ones that he would subsequently turn into movies. The other is that Peter Jackson was going to be intimately involved in the film version of Halo; wishful thinking might even lead him into the director’s chair. After a decade plus of Super Mario Bros., Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat and a double dip of Resident Evil to regretfully name just a few, the cinema may just be ready to unleash exciting artistic visions translating video games to the big screen. Because Doom, one of the most universal of all modern games, is a painful bore light on action and devoid of frights or excitement. The only amazing thing about it is that it wasn’t directed by Paul W.S. Anderson or Uwe Boll.

Anyone who ever played Doom would be kidding themselves and others if they attached any more to it but having a gun and shooting monsters which would occasionally jump out and scare the bejeepers out of you. By that token and what’s on screen today, they might as well have greenlit a Hogan’s Alley film. For background purposes, there’s a research facility on Mars complete with Galaxy Quest beaming technology. Things have gone wacky up there as they tend to do when messing with genetic research and the crack squad of soldiers is summoned to deal with it.

The Rock, who has found a charismatic niche as an action hero, regresses here to play the one-note, follow-orders-at-all-cost Sarge. And that’s a compliment compared to the personality defunct crew he rides into battle with who are hardly worth mentioning since most will serve as just the next guy to be attacked and we can go on forgetting about the one character quirk each has been given (i.e. the religious guy, the unpleasant whacko smart-ass, the black guy and the other black guy.) The only other “name” on the crew is John “Reaper” Grimm (Karl Urban, aka Lord of the Rings’ Eomer) who has a scientist sister (Rosamund Pike) in the middle of all this and a bad history with the Red Planet where their parents died under mysterious circumstances. Not to the Grimms, but to the audience, who will hear some kind of flashback but not be able to decipher it beyond all the other ambient screams and noises.

Doom doesn’t even qualify as just another loud piece of action entertainment since any brand of attack or violence are far between a pacing that never knows when to crank it up a notch. The flashlight budget must have been deleted as well since its mostly just guys exploring in the dark until an ugly hand can come out and grab their faces. It’s hard to consider any moment of gun-totin’ an actual sequence in Doom and when one finally comes it’s a climactic mano-a-mano (not mano-a-monster) where director Andrzej Bartkowiak forgets he’s not directing another Jet Li/rapper flick. That doesn’t stop him from blatantly rip off classic moments from Aliens and Predator (and both in the same scene.)

For a video game that is all about guns and gore, there’s a surprisingly skimpy amount of it on hand. A sealed room boasting “advanced weaponry” contains precisely ONE weapon and it’s the one that Doom lovers stain their pants over – the BFG (which stands for “Big Force Gun” although the “F” has taken on more colorful adjectives.) Boasted as the biggest gun in the history of movies (for those who never saw Eraser or The Guns of Navarone), the BFG is used precisely twice in the whole movie and you can be the judge if it actually hits anything. Uwe Boll, whose name has become a punchline beyond his own big screen game adaptations (House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark & the upcoming Bloodrayne), first inserted actual game footage into his zombie massacres and that insanity has lead Bartkowiak to play up the first-person angle of Doom with a five-minute stretch towards the end that looks precisely as it does – watching somebody else play a video game and knowing you’re never getting a chance to play.

Reminding audiences of Doom’s origin with lines like “we got a game”, “it’s game time” and “put on your game face” may seem a cheeky bit winking at the audience that they aren’t taking this all too serious, but its only a reminder that a video game ain’t nothing but lights and blips and 2-D characters that would be nothing if the player didn’t give life to them. Too bad we didn’t have Bill Paxton’s Hudson to relentlessly shout out “Game over, man. Game over!”

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=13269&reviewer=198
originally posted: 10/21/05 00:48:51
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User Comments

7/13/09 User Goat was funny, I recognised him as the criminal who killed Bruce's parents in batman Begin 4 stars
2/03/09 WiseGuy Josh Standlee "Better than sex " - Obviously you had terrible sex 1 stars
6/28/08 George Wow!!! This film completely redefines the word "awful". The FPS section was good, but short 1 stars
6/07/08 PAUL SHORTT A DARK, VIOLENT, NERVE-WRACKING, TRIGGER-GIDDY WASTE OF TIME 1 stars
6/02/08 badgersbum Good suspense when it finally got going but not a good film. FPS too short! 2 stars
12/14/07 Damian Eades No-one who played Doom 12 years ago will like it 1 stars
9/14/07 matt i enjoyed it. 4 stars
7/27/07 Wee Todd Didd Pretty poor movie, great game though. 2 stars
7/07/07 Tom Servo Plot was more of a Resident Evil flavor than Doom-verdict= D- 2 stars
7/07/07 al smith pretty good but not enough gore 4 stars
5/04/07 Reesefire Black A shameless ripoff of "Aliens",yes, but still a bloody good time. FPS sequence was cool. 4 stars
3/04/07 --- Actually left the theatre and got a refund. For video game dorks only. 1 stars
12/04/06 Stanley Thai It's a really bad film with some action and bad lightings that you can't see anything. 2 stars
10/30/06 ES about what you'd expect 1 stars
8/21/06 JM Synth Weinberg on the money. FPS sequence was fun but I could have just played the game for that 2 stars
7/30/06 Notch Johnson I love horror movies...but the filming was SOOOO bad...couldn't see a thing 1 stars
6/04/06 Josh Standlee Better than sex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 5 stars
4/09/06 Ron Newbold Play the game - 2 stars
4/06/06 Aldo REALLY REALLY BAD... 1 stars
3/31/06 Michele not really good but fun for the game lovers 3 stars
3/29/06 M. Dido Sure it's dumb - but it's great fun! 3 stars
3/28/06 Indrid Cold Perhaps Silent Hill will be the 1st good video game movie, but I'm not holding my breath. 2 stars
3/27/06 Danny Johanson Yeah, the Movie was crap, but it was amusing as all hell. 4 stars
3/27/06 Brian Meyer Was Street Fighter the worst VG movie? Not anymore. KILL THE ROCK!!!! 1 stars
3/26/06 y2mckay Like A vs P, first hour sucks ass, last 20 minutes kick ass. A popcorn movie, nothing more. 3 stars
2/19/06 ducka now can they make a REAL doom movie? 3 stars
2/19/06 chris f not a bad movie worth watching 4 stars
2/12/06 Anus wonderful work of CRAP!!! 1 stars
2/11/06 movie_buff A failed attempt to the first (great) Predator movie. I fell asleep! 2 stars
2/10/06 the laughing man good, but not entirely great 3 stars
2/10/06 Rocky I can't believe they managed to fvck up a slam-dunk like DOOM! Worse than even The Cave 1 stars
1/02/06 Wiseman Im a hardcore doom fan, This one sucked it let me down, I had to cry 1 stars
12/21/05 MUCH sound & fury signifying Total Crap / Sucks Wish Samantha had farted to take away Eric's 2nd star; no stars for me either way. 1 stars
12/19/05 Anal AHAHAHAHAHHA WHAT A PILE OF CRAP 1 stars
12/18/05 Doomguy Definitely a film for Doom fans; not necessarily for the whole media masses. 5 stars
12/18/05 Goatse People who find this film "intriguing" probably say the same about worms in their stools 1 stars
12/16/05 YJS standard crap at beginning, but gets intriguing as the film goes on 4 stars
12/15/05 Cunt World's Biggest Turd 1 stars
11/26/05 chris shite film man who made it needs to die 1 stars
11/19/05 Duck MST 3000 quality! Tons o fun 5 stars
11/11/05 Dan Smith Great Special Effects, and ot a let down as a video game fan. 4 stars
11/10/05 gescom waste of time and money [even in hollymood] 1 stars
11/09/05 CHRIS EXCELLENT FOR what it is - popcorn action movie 5 stars
11/08/05 Alice This is the worst movie of the year! And I have seen a lot! 1 stars
11/03/05 Anus LAAAADIIIIEEEESSS WE'RE IN LOCKDOWN....Fuck you, just for that you're getting an 'F' 1 stars
10/30/05 Jonathon Holmes Sinks to the idiot shallows of Stealth and Fantastic Four, horrible 1 stars
10/30/05 Wisamane Im a die hard gamer And i think this movie was a pieace of crap, the game was better 1 stars
10/29/05 CONSTANTINE DOOMED... More like "Resident Evil" in outer-space!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2 stars
10/28/05 Lennart Mol If you know DOOM, then you KNOW this is NOT DOOM. 1 stars
10/26/05 Michael Kondo you'll like it if you like doom, hate it if you dont 2 stars
10/26/05 deadwiz something to do for 2 hours. 3 stars
10/25/05 Nick_Voro Met the expectations of being terrible. But it wasn't not to the level of Fantastic Four. 2 stars
10/25/05 chris fox (the god) garbage 1 stars
10/24/05 bentable wtf 1 stars
10/24/05 DEEDeeDEEe IF YOU THINK YOU CAN DO BETTER YOU SHOULD HAVE MADE THE MOVIE U CANT PLEASE EVERYONE 4 stars
10/24/05 othree WASTED EVERYTHING, rent it to hear the Rock saying motherfucker. Gamers will be highly diss 1 stars
10/24/05 KingNeutron I thought it was OK, and I haven't even played Doom. 3 stars
10/23/05 Monster W. Kung Lowtax, I hope you mean Doom3, not I and II. If you think those sucked, you should be shot. 2 stars
10/23/05 Lowtax Jhon - THE GAME FUCKING SUCKED TOO. I CAN'T SEE SHIT, FAGGOT! 1 stars
10/23/05 Wisamane THE MOVIE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HELL!!! Stupid catch phrases, Cheesey Music. 1 stars
10/22/05 baseball-nut Should've stayed in the wrestling ring, The Rock sucks as an actor! 1 stars
10/22/05 Wisamane that Fps crap was annoying, IF I WANNA SEE SOMTHING IN FPS ILL PLAY THE GAME!!! 1 stars
10/22/05 Anthony G GARBAGE 1 stars
10/22/05 Jhon grifiths From what i have read some people thought it was crap, well PLAY THE DAMB GAME MORON 5 stars
10/22/05 The Talking Elbow I sincerely enjoyed this film. I think sometimes you critics are too snooty. It wasn't bad. 4 stars
10/21/05 Kristina Williams thank GOD I didnt pay to watch this. 1 stars
10/21/05 Wisamane LOL!!!!! @ WHATEVR, NOW READING THAT BROUGHT ME MORE JOY THAN WATCHING THE SHITTY MOVIE!! 1 stars
10/21/05 whatevr The title of the movie explains the future of all video-game based movies 1 stars
10/19/05 Wisamane LMAO what can i say I knew this movie was going to suck ass...pussy ass hollywood 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  21-Oct-2005 (R)
  DVD: 07-Feb-2006

UK
  N/A

Australia
  27-Oct-2005




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