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Overall Rating
2.01

Awesome: 3.7%
Worth A Look: 7.41%
Just Average: 14.07%
Pretty Crappy: 35.56%
Sucks39.26%

11 reviews, 69 user ratings


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Doom
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by EricDSnider

"For the 12th time: Video games are NOT good movie sources."
2 stars

In almost 100 years of history, Hollywood has rarely produced a series of films as consistent as those based on video games: A dozen of them now, and not one has been any good. Not one! (Don't bother naming one and saying, "What about that one?!," because the answer is no; it sucked.)

The latest is "Doom," a loud and bloody big-screen adaptation of the game that popularized the "first-person shooter" genre, where the action is seen through the player's eyes rather than from an omniscient perspective. In homage to its roots, "Doom" the movie has a few minutes of first-person killing near the end, the camera acting as a character's eyes as he goes around shooting everything -- but since we can't control him like we can at home, the effect is like watching passively while someone else plays a video game. And where's the fun in that?

Nowhere, that's where. In fact, what fun there is in "Doom" is only at the film's expense, laughing at its flimsy story and its goofy pseudo-scientific dialogue. ("Ten percent of the human genome is still unmapped," says a scientist. "Some say it's the blueprint for the soul." Heavy, man.)

The deal is that 40 years hence, a scientific research laboratory on Mars has been besieged by mysterious and sinister forces. A team of U.S. Marines back here in the good ol' U.S. of Earth is sent to rescue the six doctors and scientists, but when they arrive they find: MONSTERS! Vicious beasts the size of very large humans with oversized, agile tongues! What's a team of Marines to do but find giant guns and fire them repeatedly?

The bulk of the film is set in the dimly lit cement-gray and steel-black corridors of the Mars lab, a reminder of the "Alien" films, which used silent, claustrophobic settings like these to create fear. "Doom" uses them to create violence. Mistaking fear and violence for each other is a common error among incompetent filmmakers. (In this case it is Andrzej Bartkowiak, whose senseless but stylish action flicks "Romeo Must Die" and "Cradle 2 the Grave" hardly suggested how crappy "Doom" would turn out.)

Oh right, the characters. I forgot there were characters. Well, there's Pretty Scientist (Rosamund Pike), whose bickersome brother (Karl Urban) is among the Marines sent to rescue her team. There's the Young Recruit (Al Weaver) who is eager and idealistic and will surely die on this, his first mission. There's the slimy and perverted Horndog Marine (Richard Brake). And then there are several others with no distinguishing characteristics except, in some cases, their race.

And then there's The Rock, who plays the Marine squad leader. The Rock has pleasantly surprised a lot of people with his acting, which has often been entertaining and even laudable. Those of us who didn't like having to respect him as an actor, who don't like taking men seriously who are professional wrestlers and don't have real names -- we breathe a sigh of relief with "Doom," where The Rock at last lives up to his potential as a hilariously bad actor.

Do this with me. Make your eyes really big and angry, exaggeratedly so, like a cartoon. Then over-enunciate every word as you loudly bark an order to an inferior. (Try: "I need copies of this report NOW!" or "I want you to take out the trash!") That's The Rock. Remember Jack Nicholson's delivery on "You can't handle the truth!" in "A Few Good Men"? That's The Rock on every single line in "Doom."

The screenplay, by David Callaham and Wesley Strick ("Arachnophobia," "The Saint"), is strictly serviceable, nothing fancy. Yet it has curiously long stretches where it tries to BE fancy, eschewing shoot-em-up shenanigans so it can ramble on and on about the "science" behind the monsters. That's a fine thing to do if you've got creative ideas and good actors to convey them, but when you're bankrupt in both categories, maybe it's best to shut up and get back to shooting. At least that has a certain visceral thrill, for a few minutes, anyway.

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=13269&reviewer=247
originally posted: 10/21/05 02:44:13
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User Comments

7/13/09 User Goat was funny, I recognised him as the criminal who killed Bruce's parents in batman Begin 4 stars
2/03/09 WiseGuy Josh Standlee "Better than sex " - Obviously you had terrible sex 1 stars
6/28/08 George Wow!!! This film completely redefines the word "awful". The FPS section was good, but short 1 stars
6/07/08 PAUL SHORTT A DARK, VIOLENT, NERVE-WRACKING, TRIGGER-GIDDY WASTE OF TIME 1 stars
6/02/08 badgersbum Good suspense when it finally got going but not a good film. FPS too short! 2 stars
12/14/07 Damian Eades No-one who played Doom 12 years ago will like it 1 stars
9/14/07 matt i enjoyed it. 4 stars
7/27/07 Wee Todd Didd Pretty poor movie, great game though. 2 stars
7/07/07 Tom Servo Plot was more of a Resident Evil flavor than Doom-verdict= D- 2 stars
7/07/07 al smith pretty good but not enough gore 4 stars
5/04/07 Reesefire Black A shameless ripoff of "Aliens",yes, but still a bloody good time. FPS sequence was cool. 4 stars
3/04/07 --- Actually left the theatre and got a refund. For video game dorks only. 1 stars
12/04/06 Stanley Thai It's a really bad film with some action and bad lightings that you can't see anything. 2 stars
10/30/06 ES about what you'd expect 1 stars
8/21/06 JM Synth Weinberg on the money. FPS sequence was fun but I could have just played the game for that 2 stars
7/30/06 Notch Johnson I love horror movies...but the filming was SOOOO bad...couldn't see a thing 1 stars
6/04/06 Josh Standlee Better than sex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 5 stars
4/09/06 Ron Newbold Play the game - 2 stars
4/06/06 Aldo REALLY REALLY BAD... 1 stars
3/31/06 Michele not really good but fun for the game lovers 3 stars
3/29/06 M. Dido Sure it's dumb - but it's great fun! 3 stars
3/28/06 Indrid Cold Perhaps Silent Hill will be the 1st good video game movie, but I'm not holding my breath. 2 stars
3/27/06 Danny Johanson Yeah, the Movie was crap, but it was amusing as all hell. 4 stars
3/27/06 Brian Meyer Was Street Fighter the worst VG movie? Not anymore. KILL THE ROCK!!!! 1 stars
3/26/06 y2mckay Like A vs P, first hour sucks ass, last 20 minutes kick ass. A popcorn movie, nothing more. 3 stars
2/19/06 ducka now can they make a REAL doom movie? 3 stars
2/19/06 chris f not a bad movie worth watching 4 stars
2/12/06 Anus wonderful work of CRAP!!! 1 stars
2/11/06 movie_buff A failed attempt to the first (great) Predator movie. I fell asleep! 2 stars
2/10/06 the laughing man good, but not entirely great 3 stars
2/10/06 Rocky I can't believe they managed to fvck up a slam-dunk like DOOM! Worse than even The Cave 1 stars
1/02/06 Wiseman Im a hardcore doom fan, This one sucked it let me down, I had to cry 1 stars
12/21/05 MUCH sound & fury signifying Total Crap / Sucks Wish Samantha had farted to take away Eric's 2nd star; no stars for me either way. 1 stars
12/19/05 Anal AHAHAHAHAHHA WHAT A PILE OF CRAP 1 stars
12/18/05 Doomguy Definitely a film for Doom fans; not necessarily for the whole media masses. 5 stars
12/18/05 Goatse People who find this film "intriguing" probably say the same about worms in their stools 1 stars
12/16/05 YJS standard crap at beginning, but gets intriguing as the film goes on 4 stars
12/15/05 Cunt World's Biggest Turd 1 stars
11/26/05 chris shite film man who made it needs to die 1 stars
11/19/05 Duck MST 3000 quality! Tons o fun 5 stars
11/11/05 Dan Smith Great Special Effects, and ot a let down as a video game fan. 4 stars
11/10/05 gescom waste of time and money [even in hollymood] 1 stars
11/09/05 CHRIS EXCELLENT FOR what it is - popcorn action movie 5 stars
11/08/05 Alice This is the worst movie of the year! And I have seen a lot! 1 stars
11/03/05 Anus LAAAADIIIIEEEESSS WE'RE IN LOCKDOWN....Fuck you, just for that you're getting an 'F' 1 stars
10/30/05 Jonathon Holmes Sinks to the idiot shallows of Stealth and Fantastic Four, horrible 1 stars
10/30/05 Wisamane Im a die hard gamer And i think this movie was a pieace of crap, the game was better 1 stars
10/29/05 CONSTANTINE DOOMED... More like "Resident Evil" in outer-space!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2 stars
10/28/05 Lennart Mol If you know DOOM, then you KNOW this is NOT DOOM. 1 stars
10/26/05 Michael Kondo you'll like it if you like doom, hate it if you dont 2 stars
10/26/05 deadwiz something to do for 2 hours. 3 stars
10/25/05 Nick_Voro Met the expectations of being terrible. But it wasn't not to the level of Fantastic Four. 2 stars
10/25/05 chris fox (the god) garbage 1 stars
10/24/05 bentable wtf 1 stars
10/24/05 DEEDeeDEEe IF YOU THINK YOU CAN DO BETTER YOU SHOULD HAVE MADE THE MOVIE U CANT PLEASE EVERYONE 4 stars
10/24/05 othree WASTED EVERYTHING, rent it to hear the Rock saying motherfucker. Gamers will be highly diss 1 stars
10/24/05 KingNeutron I thought it was OK, and I haven't even played Doom. 3 stars
10/23/05 Monster W. Kung Lowtax, I hope you mean Doom3, not I and II. If you think those sucked, you should be shot. 2 stars
10/23/05 Lowtax Jhon - THE GAME FUCKING SUCKED TOO. I CAN'T SEE SHIT, FAGGOT! 1 stars
10/23/05 Wisamane THE MOVIE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HELL!!! Stupid catch phrases, Cheesey Music. 1 stars
10/22/05 baseball-nut Should've stayed in the wrestling ring, The Rock sucks as an actor! 1 stars
10/22/05 Wisamane that Fps crap was annoying, IF I WANNA SEE SOMTHING IN FPS ILL PLAY THE GAME!!! 1 stars
10/22/05 Anthony G GARBAGE 1 stars
10/22/05 Jhon grifiths From what i have read some people thought it was crap, well PLAY THE DAMB GAME MORON 5 stars
10/22/05 The Talking Elbow I sincerely enjoyed this film. I think sometimes you critics are too snooty. It wasn't bad. 4 stars
10/21/05 Kristina Williams thank GOD I didnt pay to watch this. 1 stars
10/21/05 Wisamane LOL!!!!! @ WHATEVR, NOW READING THAT BROUGHT ME MORE JOY THAN WATCHING THE SHITTY MOVIE!! 1 stars
10/21/05 whatevr The title of the movie explains the future of all video-game based movies 1 stars
10/19/05 Wisamane LMAO what can i say I knew this movie was going to suck ass...pussy ass hollywood 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  21-Oct-2005 (R)
  DVD: 07-Feb-2006

UK
  N/A

Australia
  27-Oct-2005




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