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Overall Rating

Awesome: 2.35%
Worth A Look: 4.71%
Just Average: 2.35%
Pretty Crappy: 3.53%

8 reviews, 37 user ratings

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by EricDSnider

"Uwe Boll is back! And holy water won't kill him!"
1 stars

As one of the worst directors currently working, German half-wit Uwe Boll is under a lot of pressure. Sure, "House of the Dead" was a harmlessly stupid zombiefest, and yeah, "Alone in the Dark" was an even stupider, less harmless rehash of creature/sci-fi cliches. But can "BloodRayne," his latest, continue to lower the bar? Can he continue to make each movie worse than the last one, or will he eventually bottom out?

I am pleased to announce that "BloodRayne" (which, like the other two, was based on a video game) is, in fact, worse than "Alone in the Dark." It's dumb, incoherent, and demonstrates Boll's remarkable knack for getting even good actors to give bad performances.

The Internet Movie Database says the film is set in the 1700s in Romania, but neither of those details is apparent in the film. It could be medieval times, but it could also be a timeless "Lord of the Rings" kind of fantasy land. And Romania? Well, OK. Not sure why the accents range from American to British, then, including a hilarious one from noted non-Brit Michelle Rodriguez, but whatever you say, movie.

Anyway, wherever it is, and whenever it is, it's about a carnival freak named Rayne (Kristann Loken) who is half-vampire, half-human, or "dhampir," as such people are known. Her father, Kagan (Ben Kingsley), has long, girly hair and looks like Dame Maggie Smith and is also the most powerful vampire in all the land. I guess he'd have to be, to get away with having long, girly hair and looking like Dame Maggie Smith. Since Rayne was the product of rape, and since Kagan eventually killed Rayne's mother, she is not keen on the old man and wants to destroy him. In fact, she wants all vampires dead, despite being half of one herself.

Also in the vampire-destroying business is a society, or maybe it's more like a club, called Brimstone. A trio of their representatives -- rugged Vladimir (Michael Madsen), pretty-boy Sebastian (Matt Davis) and not-English Katarin (Michelle Rodriguez) -- meets up with Rayne, and after some initial skepticism on both sides, the four join forces to take down Kagan, and also to allow Rayne and Sebastian to have a comically inept sex scene.

Kagan is looking for three artifacts left over from some old vampire from centuries ago, and if he gets them, he'll be super-magical-powerful or something. So Rayne and her posse are trying to find the artifacts first, even as Kagan's armies are pursuing them, and so forth.

Much of the film's unintentional humor comes from the fact that every lame line in Guinevere Turner's screenplay is spoken with either complete apathy (as with Michael Madsen) or over-the-top melodrama (e.g., Ben Kingsley). Only Billy Zane, as Katarin's father, tries to breathe life into his dialogue -- and he's only in the film for a couple scenes and serves no purpose anyway.

It goes without saying that the movie is neither exciting nor suspenseful (nor even interesting), but I think the chief flaw is that we feel nothing for any of the characters. They're one-dimensional movie buffoons, not people, and their problems and crises -- so confusingly conveyed by the ramshackle film -- bounce off a viewer's mind like ping pong balls. It never occurs to you to think of the film as anything other than a silly swords-and-castles tale, and a particularly ineffective one at that.

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=13315&reviewer=247
originally posted: 01/09/06 02:22:45
[printer] printer-friendly format  
OFFICIAL SELECTION: 2005 Austin Film Festival For more in the 2005 Austin Film Festival series, click here.

User Comments

4/23/17 David H. Complete malarkey and doggy poop. 1 stars
5/02/11 austin dreadful 1 stars
9/02/08 Shaun Wallner Awesome storyline! 5 stars
5/10/08 Tabitha Rabisa I liked the plot and the actors they chose to play the roles 4 stars
4/12/08 MJ Kristanna Loken is the only good thing about this film! 1 stars
8/21/07 AntiGaneshKumar Toast to the idiots who gave this movie 4+ stars. You've joined the 0.01% moviegoers... 1 stars
3/03/07 gal. i laughed..at all the terrible things about this movie which just happens to be everything 1 stars
10/30/06 wesley sniper Dear Cody, You are mentally retarded. Love, everyone 1 stars
10/17/06 AJ Muller words fail me. uwe boll makes people wish for deaf dumb and blindness REPEATEDLY 1 stars
10/06/06 El Kevino Eh, was pretty bad. 1 stars
8/20/06 ganeshkumar good 4 stars
8/09/06 melivorous i wish boll were dead, the end 1 stars
8/08/06 Dragon The Artist A few minute campy qualities, but opinions are like @$$holes, everybody has one,BOLL HATERZ 4 stars
8/06/06 cody armstrong It is an excellent movie. 5 stars
8/01/06 Andras I liked the movie. I wish there was more background story. 4 stars
7/21/06 RealDeal2006 Uwe seen one movie from this useless cunt uwe seen them all! 2 stars
7/20/06 Sugarfoot So that's where Michael Pare has been hiding...In lame Uwe Boll flicks. 1 stars
7/17/06 Woodsie So bad I was expecting the audience to adopt the brace position in the seats! 2 stars
7/14/06 Anthony G what's funny is after all of these shit movies, I still want to see the next one. 1 stars
7/07/06 ALDO Enjoyed it ...much better than catwoman, elekra Much better 3 stars
7/04/06 Ducka Amazingly terrible 1 stars
7/02/06 Ryden FC Stunningly awful. Boll exceeds expectations again! 1 stars
6/24/06 pete no 1 stars
6/18/06 Ray One person only couldnt have done something so bad 1 stars
6/18/06 Jon Dolnier Lame, but I pretty much expected it to be so... 1 stars
6/04/06 Jon Fuck it 1 stars
5/30/06 Ryan_A As bad as advertised, and still worse than expected. Inept in every way. 1 stars
5/21/06 Sugarfoot Uwe Boll is the devil, I tell you! 1 stars
5/17/06 Uwe never seen anything like it! Awful 1 stars
5/13/06 Duffyboy666 UWE is BOLLocks. 1 stars
2/20/06 Sean D Oh dear fucking goodness make him STOP! 1 stars
1/24/06 AntiBoll No Scott we go see his movies they make money, and THEN he will stop making them (we hope) 1 stars
1/14/06 Uwe Boll HaHa i made it suck on purpose! >:D 1 stars
1/10/06 Ole Man Bourbon So bad, once it looked like Madsen was about to start crying while delivering a line 1 stars
1/10/06 Jason Keller Was going to say "like watching porn without the sex", but he went and threw in a sex scene 1 stars
1/08/06 Zordude It was no really good, but watchable for someone who likes the genre 3 stars
1/07/06 The Crystal Lich "... a film professor's most vibrant nightmare." Brilliant! 2 stars
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  06-Jan-2006 (R)
  DVD: 23-May-2006



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