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Overall Rating

Awesome: 3.85%
Worth A Look37.5%
Just Average: 34.62%
Pretty Crappy: 17.31%
Sucks: 6.73%

10 reviews, 44 user ratings

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by EricDSnider

"Half the length of 'Titanic,' and half as good, too."
3 stars

There are few things more pitiful than a movie that thinks it's being serious when in fact it's being very, very funny. "Poseidon" is one of those movies, a rushed, unintentionally silly retread of 1972's "The Poseidon Adventure" that feels more like a parody. It does for disaster movies what "Airplane!" did for disaster movies.

It is, as you know, the tale of a gigantic cruise ship that gets turned upside-down by a tidal wave, drastically interrupting the New Year's Eve party the rich people onboard were having. Of the thousand or so passengers and crew members on the ship, most are killed right away in the tumult. The survivors are all in the ballroom -- where for some reason the woman from Black Eyed Peas has been performing, which strikes me as the very opposite of an elegant New Year's Eve celebration -- and Capt. Bradford (Andre Braugher) urges them to stay there until rescuers come.

But Dylan Johns (Josh Lucas), a rogue-ish high-roller Han Solo type, doesn't think an upside-down ship will stay afloat long enough for help to arrive. He intends to climb up to the bottom of the vessel and seek rescue that way. He only wants to take care of Numero Uno, but somehow a group of survivors winds up accompanying him on the perilous trek through elevator shafts, fiery hallways and submerged tunnels.

The group includes former New York mayor Robert Ramsey (Kurt Russell), his daughter Jennifer (Emmy Rossum), her respectful fiance Christian (Mike Vogel), a single mom named Maggie (Jacinda Barrett), her little boy Conor (Jimmy Bennett), a stowaway named Elena (Mia Maestro), an oily sleazeball named Larry (Kevin Dillon), and Richard Dreyfuss. For no discernible reason, Dreyfuss' character is gay and suicidal, traits that are mentioned in the film's brief get-to-know-everyone, pre-tidal-wave phase, and then never brought up again.

There's a lot of that, actually. I hesitate to suggest that any movie should be LONGER than it is, but this one's only 94 minutes without the credits, and it feels hasty. Screenwriter Mark Protosevich (loosely adapting Paul Gallico's novel) didn't want the potential victims to be nobodies ... but he didn't expend enough effort in establishing them as real characters, either. (That, or the scenes that would have contributed something were deleted.) The dialogue is that cheesy disaster-speak where you can practically hear the exclamation points at the end of every sentence, and the people are one-dimensional "types."

Wolfgang Petersen is a competent, at times very entertaining director ("The Perfect Storm," "In the Line of Fire," "Enemy Mine"), but here he has everything happening so fast that it becomes absurd, like a condensed speed-through version of a gripping adventure flick. Remember those Hollywood Video "60 Second Theater" radio ads, where a big film is ridiculously boiled down to one minute? Or the hilarious and truly brilliant "Shorter, Harsher 'Titanic'" that anonymously circulated the Internet several years ago? That's what "Poseidon" feels like.

That said, many of the action scenes are intense, and sometimes even suspenseful. But they're curiously unaffecting: Whether the hardy survivors can get through this tight air vent, or across that treacherous open space, or past those deadly flames, it doesn't feel like it matters. And this isn't a movie where the victims aren't important because we're supposed to enjoy watching them die. It's the other kind, where we're supposed to root for them to live. And yet we don't care. How's that for upside-down?

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=14526&reviewer=247
originally posted: 05/12/06 00:10:30
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User Comments

9/14/17 morris campbell exciting with good effects 4 stars
7/28/11 Bob Dog A great b-movie - best disaster movie I've seen in years! 5 stars
5/17/11 Ravenmad I wouldn't want to die like this, but almost did watching this film. 2 stars
11/22/09 Jeff Wilder Story's predictable, no real suspense and we don't care about the characters. 2 stars
11/02/09 Darryl Great sp. effects, stars & fast-paced! Dreyfuss miscast, Cary Elwes wouldve been perfect. 4 stars
8/13/09 Dan better than you've heard, if still imperfect 3 stars
3/25/09 Eric Much better than I thought it'd be - avoid comparing to original and judge on its own merit 4 stars
2/11/09 Stewart Worst movie I have ever seen! No story or characters, just special effects and bad acting. 1 stars
1/15/09 Shaun Wallner Very Interesting 4 stars
1/14/08 JM Synth Generic with paper thin characters, but great action and suspense 4 stars
1/12/08 Brian Mckay Better than Titanic - at least you don't have to sit through bullshit love story first. 4 stars
10/01/07 Rick Excellent action, but weak character development. Still, awesome f/x make it worth seeing. 4 stars
7/14/07 Vincent Ebriega Great effects, set design and action, but, like the Poseidon, sinks too quickly. 3/5. 3 stars
4/18/07 Stevo UK To sum it up, Battlefield Earth was better. 1 stars
2/27/07 Stanley Thai This film doesn't need character developement and has very good action scenes. 4 stars
2/03/07 Vip Ebriega This remake is great to watch. 4 stars
1/23/07 Matt Lame,rushed,tooshort-and this time we don't give a shit who lives or dies. 2 stars
10/16/06 Mystique This movie really sucks; it's terribly cliché. You're better off renting "Titanic". 1 stars
10/12/06 Indrid Cold Suitably white-knuckle update of the original. 3 stars
10/07/06 Rhonda Heaslip In my opinion it was an awesome movie that kept me on the edge of my seat. I loved it! 5 stars
9/26/06 Anthony Feor I wish i had saw the origional before this, however it comes quite close to it 4 stars
9/02/06 Dragon The Artist A pretty good, ownable rehash of The Posiedon Adventure 4 stars
9/01/06 Danny Even without compairing it to 1972 classic, still merely average and pretty forgettable. 3 stars
8/28/06 David Hasslehof Not enough substance - could have been Titanic set in the modern era - Godzilla anyone? 3 stars
8/23/06 action movie fan sometimes exciting but you.ve seen it all before--ship is the only thing new 3 stars
8/06/06 Erik Van Sant It feels longer than 'Titanic', and is a collosal piece of ass. Hated every frame. 1 stars
7/24/06 malcolm thrilling but ultimately forgettable 3 stars
6/04/06 Jon With excellent suspense and action Poseidon makes the already good old one perfect! 5 stars
6/02/06 MickOZ Are you over 14? If so you have seen this type of shite countless times. 2 stars
6/02/06 MP Bartley Fun for the moment but entirely forgettable. Wavers between average and worth a look. 3 stars
5/28/06 inty speed 2 was better 1 stars
5/23/06 Navi this movie just plain sucks. Maybe add a few details about characters, and make an ending. 2 stars
5/21/06 Jeff Anderson Waterlogged to say the least & cruel. Cast & effects are far better than film deserves! 2 stars
5/19/06 Staci Typical blockbuster filled with thrills and chills galore. 4 stars
5/18/06 Mase Quick and painless, if you are looking for great visuals and no depth...enjoy 3 stars
5/17/06 michael not too bad and close to the first movie...now if they would just think up some new ideas 4 stars
5/17/06 Gavin Bamber If you've seen Titanic, you've seen it already 3 stars
5/17/06 JOHN PETERSON When I saw this about 29 years ago, it was mediocre at best. This tiime special effects is 3 stars
5/16/06 Astro Boye THis movie Sucked- Homopphobia and racial bias sink this ship! 1 stars
5/15/06 pipe 10 minutes of decent special effects and 1-1/2 hours of mind-numbing plot and dialog. Glug 1 stars
5/13/06 Ron Green The special effects were great! It makes the original poseidon look like a sailboat! 4 stars
5/12/06 Captain Highcrime Moved so fast...Wolfgang must have been double-parked outside the post house. 4 stars
5/12/06 Mike C. Finally a movie that lived up to its preview. It kicked ass! Very intense! 5 stars
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  12-May-2006 (PG-13)
  DVD: 22-Aug-2006



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