Jamie Kennedy's favorite movie review site
Home Reviews  Articles  Release Dates Coming Soon  DVD  Top 20s Criticwatch  Search
Public Forums  Festival Coverage  Contests About 
Advertisement

Overall Rating
2.04

Awesome: 11.54%
Worth A Look: 1.92%
Just Average: 11.54%
Pretty Crappy: 28.85%
Sucks46.15%

6 reviews, 16 user ratings


Latest Reviews

MFA by Jay Seaver

You Only Live Once by Jay Seaver

November (2017) by Jay Seaver

Friendly Beast by Jay Seaver

Foreigner, The (2017) by Jay Seaver

Tom of Finland by Rob Gonsalves

Happy Death Day by Jay Seaver

78/52: Hitchcock's Shower Scene by Jay Seaver

Death Note: Light Up the New World by Jay Seaver

Brawl in Cell Block 99 by Peter Sobczynski

subscribe to this feed


See No Evil
[AllPosters.com] Buy posters from this movie
by Peter Sobczynski

"A WWE-sponsored slasher film--what could possibly go wrong?"
1 stars

I’ll be honest–I did not go into the multiplex to see the new slasher film “See No Evil” with any profound expectations as to its artistic worth. After all, we are talking about a cheapo horror flick that combines the, shall we say, unique talents of wrestler Kane (whose presence can be explained by the fact that the film is a WWE production), a supporting cast of no-name Australians and director Gregory Dark, a man best known for helming numerous porno films (including such landmark titles as “Between the Cheeks 3" and “Hootermania”) and some Britney Spears videos. (Regarding the latter, this is what we in the business usually refer to as a lateral move.) That said, I would have expected that such a combination might turn out something that was at least amusingly trashy in a so-bad-it’s-good way. Unfortunately, it doesn’t even succeed at that modest goal and despite a couple of promising bits here and there, it winds up being the kind of boring rip-off that will test the patience of even the most dedicated gorehound despite a running time that just barely hits the outer reaches of a feature length.

The film opens as a group of eight twenty-something teeners, all doing time for second-degree crimes, are bused off to a dilapidated old hotel to spend the weekend cleaning it up in order to shave some time off of their sentences under the supervision of exactly two cops. Considering that the place is approximately the size of the Overlook Hotel and is so grungy that the Filthiest Toilet in Scotland, as seen in “Trainspotting,” wouldn’t even rank among its five ickiest rooms, it would seem like the city might want to rethink their work-release program. To make matters worse, no one seems to realized that among the eight are violent drug dealer Michael (Luke Pegler) and Kira (Samantha Noble), the ex-girlfriend who turned him in (and who must have had a really bad lawyer if she still wound up doing time despite rolling on him). Oh yeah, the halls of the hotel are also populated by a hulking maniac (Kane) who goes around picking people off with an enormous meat hook on a chain and tearing out their eyeballs. With all of these complications, I guess that none of us should be surprised that Michelle Rodriguez chose to do time over community service.

You know the drill from here–the maniac goes around offing the various dopes one by one until it is time for the end credits to roll. Although he has presumably never seen any of these people before, he has apparently seen bad slasher movies before so he understands that it is always better to kill people in an ironic manner that is keeping with the single character trait is allowed to display. One is obsessed with finding a hidden safe that is rumored to contain millions and gets crushed by it. Another is constantly jabbering away on a cell phone and gets it shoved down her throat for her troubles. A third is a pretty, tree-hugging vegetarian who winds up getting eaten by a bunch of stray dogs. (As for those who aren’t even accorded a single character trait, he just greases them in the quickest possible manner.) Our maniac also understands that there is a certain order in which certain characters are to be killed in a movie such as this. Of the five guys, for example, one is a straight white male, one is black, one is Hispanic, one is crippled (having lost an arm in an earlier encounter with the killer) and one is a computer nerd–I wonder in what order they are going to go. (And no, the fact that the straight white guy is also the most hateful character does not affect the order.)

Eventually, we are shown, via confusing flashback, that our maniac was made that way by a sadistic and domineering mother who was, naturally, a twisted religious fanatic. Apparently, she would lock her son in a cage with pornography until he eventually looked at it–at that point, she would then beat him and wash his eyes out while yammering about sin. (Of course, when a copy of “Playboy” was discovered in my room many years ago, my mother just assumed that I had it for the articles–to this day, I am still unsure of how to react to that.) As a result, his mind is a soup of psycho-sexual silliness and when he spies Kira taking a shower and notices the elaborate religious tattoos on her back, he can’t bring himself to kill her. Instead, he locks her in his old cage and stands in front of her to perform an act that is, from her perspective, a fate considerably ickier than death. Considering Dark’s past filmography, I can only assume this is meant to be either a jab at his old critics or an in-joke reference to his past–either way, it sure isn’t framed very well. (At this point, I would like to insert an old joke that is almost patently irrelevant to the proceedings. What’s the difference between a porno film and a Britney Spears video? The porno film has a better soundtrack.)

The strange thing about “See No Evil” is that it actually comes up with an amusing idea every once in a great while but then it has no idea of what to do with them. Take the bit with the girl getting the cell phone shoved down her throat. As it is, it is an undeniably crowd-pleasing moment (or it would be if actual crowds showed up for this) and I eagerly anticipate it being used one day as a silence-your-cell-phones message before the main feature. However, those expecting the film to take the bit to the next level–maybe our killer could have accidentally hit ‘redial’ while moving the body so that we could hear a disembodied voice emerge from the corpse–will be disappointed to discover that it is entirely forgotten. There is another moment that explains, in the goofiest manner possible, exactly how a mad killer in an enormous abandoned building knows exactly where the two kids having sex are but that too is disposed of almost as soon as it is introduced. Then there is the whole subplot (although to say the word gives it entirely too much weight) about Michael and Kira's past together. You might assume that Kira would get bumped off early on so that the others might be distracted for a while by the possibility that Michael might have killed her out of revenge--alas, you would be mistaken.

What is especially insane about “See No Evil” is that Lionsgate chose to give it a fairly wide release (no doubt to cash in on teens who are too old for “Over the Hedge,” too bored with “Mission: Impossible III” and with no interest in “The Da Vinci Code”) when they have, in the past, thrown away such far-worthier genre entries as the recent “Tamara” (which is a load, but a good load) and the powerful “May.” Those films were told with wit and style and energy and I can’t imagine that they wouldn’t have done better at the box-office than this nonsense if they had been given the same promotional backing. Despite an abundance of gore (including more ocular damage than an entire Dario Argento retrospective), “See No Evil” is likely to bore and annoy even the most forgiving of horror buffs–the kind who regard “Saw II” and “Hostel” as modern masterpieces of the genre–and leave them praying that someone like this film’s killer will come along to tear out their eyeballs so they can avoid encountering crap such as this in the future.

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=14537&reviewer=389
originally posted: 05/19/06 17:04:33
[printer] printer-friendly format  

User Comments

10/14/15 David Hollingsworth worst slasher movie ever 1 stars
12/20/08 Shaun Wallner This movie was stupid! 1 stars
5/11/08 Bnorm Dude if Kane didnt kill them the AIDS from that nasty ass hotel would have it was gross 2 stars
9/14/07 Indrid Cold Of course it's bad, but there's enough unexpected nastiness to keep things interesting. 2 stars
4/27/07 Total Crap This is the worst horror film ever made, everyone who gave it 5 stars is kidding! 1 stars
12/08/06 Shawn Cimachowicz The best slasher movie ever made!!! 5 stars
8/21/06 dave the movie was fucking great fuck the critics 5 stars
6/16/06 Ben Fuck you, it was badass. the only ones who didn't like it were the dumbass critics 5 stars
5/29/06 Me anyone who says this movie sucked is not a true horror fan 4 stars
5/28/06 Lindsay the movie was so GOOD 5 stars
5/23/06 Cary Cormier Very grafic with lots of gore. Glen Jacobs (Kane) did a awesome job!!! 5 stars
5/22/06 Sunny Good old fashioned slasher movie. 5 stars
5/20/06 seville Just a load of unbelievable shite 1 stars
5/19/06 Blutarsky Ha, you put more effort into your reviews than the filmmakers did into the movie. 1 stars
5/19/06 San Lamar hardly worth renting 2 stars
5/19/06 Sean D Speak no bad movie. See no bad movie! 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
Note: Duplicate, 'planted,' or other obviously improper comments
will be deleted at our discretion. So don't bother posting 'em. Thanks!
Your Name:
Your Comments:
Your Location: (state/province/country)
Your Rating:


Discuss this movie in our forum

USA
  19-May-2006 (R)
  DVD: 28-Nov-2006

UK
  N/A

Australia
  N/A


Directed by
  Gregory Dark

Written by
  Dan Madigan

Cast
  Kane
  Christina Vidal
  Samantha Noble
  Luke Pegler
  Michael J. Pagan
  Steven Vidler



Home Reviews  Articles  Release Dates Coming Soon  DVD  Top 20s Criticwatch  Search
Public Forums  Festival Coverage  Contests About 
Privacy Policy | | HBS Inc. |   
All data and site design copyright 1997-2017, HBS Entertainment, Inc.
Search for
reviews features movie title writer/director/cast