by Jay Seaver
SCREENED AT THE 2006 FANTASIA FESTIVAL: Look at that title. Doesn't it promise excitement? It's phrased as a command, it's got a curse word in it, and it's so important that those zombie bastards die that not only does it have an exclamation point, but it omits a comma. Sure, the implication is that it'll be tongue-in-cheek, but it'll be exciting tongue-in-cheek, right? This should, one way or another, be a movie that gets the audience going.It is not. It may, in fact, be the most boring movie ever to feature zombies, serial killing cannibals, robots, mad scientists, ninjas, vampires, and gratuitous nudity. One of the characters within the movie even makes the point that she's not scared, because after a while repetition makes something that had been scary little more than boring, and you can only get away with that sort of self-deprecating meta-comment if what you're doing is, in fact, not a crashing bore. That's trying to be sly with the audience, and only really works when it reveals something non-obvious, that the movie is actually more clever than it appears. Here, it just goes to show that the film really has nothing beyond a bunch of half-baked ideas that co-writer/director Caleb Emerson can't stitch together.
"The worst thing a movie like this can be - boring."
The first, and most enjoyable, idea is a group of hot blonde scientists talking about their findings on Hell Island while getting naked and skinny-dipping. Alas, soon they are captured by Dr. Nefarious (Geoff Mosher) and his insta-zombie ray, but three smart, sexy blondes aren't enough (well, after the zombification, they're not so smart and not really sexy unless you're into green, but you get the idea). He wants his ideal woman to share in the triumph of his global zombification plan, and he's decided that that's Violet (Pippi Zornoza), the flesh-eating serial-killer wife of flesh-eating serial-killer Red (Tim Gerstmar). She's just made him a superhero costume complete with a cape made of human flesh when she's taken (he's evidently always wanted to be a superhero), and he sets out on a quest to find her.
Now, maybe this has a little more oomph if you've seen Emerson's "Red's Breakfast" shorts, which evidently introduce Red and Violet and were a supposedly hit at one of the Tromadance festivals. I doubt it, though. Adding a little background or history to these characters isn't going to do much to change the fact that within this movie, there's no baseline of is sane or normal or tasteful or serious, so attempting to be crazy, bizarre, rude, or funny means nothing. To abuse the heck out of a metaphor, this movie is so twisted that it's broken off, and now that it's not connected to anything, it's not more twisted than what's around it because it's all alone. So have Red punch someone so hard his fist goes straight through, have Violet eat someone's spleen, and Nefarious threaten her with his huge member, and get back to Red being uninterested in the chesty Scandanavian women who all come on to him; I don't care. These are not convincing enough approximations of thinking beings or a real enough world for me to be moved in any direction by how you abuse them.
Emerson and co-writer Haig Demarjian probably had a million ideas as they put this movie together, but it feels like they wrote the script with the opinion that what makes a joke funny can't be quantified, and trying to sucks the humor out of it. So everything idea that struck them kind of funny goes into the script, whether it's really worth repeating or not. End result: A lot of crap. And evidently a lot more crap to be used as special features on the inevitable DVD, because it had to be cut for time. The hit rate for the gags is something like one out of twenty, and most of those involve giant penises. Because, let's face it, the penis is a funny organ, and the fact that showing one on screen is still fairly taboo means that not only is it sort of forbidden fruit, but it's not played out - by running with the giant phalluses, Emerson and Demarjian seem to have stumbled by accident into a whole unharvested field of comedy.
The cast, by and large, sucks. Tim Gerstmar is annoying and not funny. Pippi Zornoza is less annoying but still not funny. Geoff Mosher isn't even an actor, but just another wannabe filmmaker hanging around Troma helping out a buddy. Sandra Kennedy ("Super Inga") is not only not a very good actress and not funny, but she's the off-putting kind of busty, which means she doesn't even succeed at her principal task of titillation. However great cult musician Hasil Adkins may have been, he's only shoehorned into this movie because Emerson thinks he's cool, and his shtick of being incomprehensible gets old after about three seconds.This is a bad, bad, bad, bad movie that only avoids a one-star rating because, god help me, I laughed at the occasional huge male organ bit. Some will tell you it's enjoyable for its sheer tackiness, but they're wrong. It's just boring.
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originally posted: 07/14/06 00:59:04