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Overall Rating

Awesome: 24%
Worth A Look: 6%
Just Average32%
Pretty Crappy: 10%
Sucks: 28%

4 reviews, 26 user ratings

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John Tucker Must Die
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by brianorndorf

"Not even Sophia Bush's dimples can save this"
1 stars

“John Tucker Must Die” is a great title in search of the film to back it up. A useless bit of tween trash, the film is one long yawn, and another reason to hate almost anything that comes from the ugly touch of director Betty Thomas.

Kate (Brittany Snow) is a wallflower starting over at a new high school. There she witnesses the power of John Tucker (Jesse Metcalfe, “Desperate Housewives”), the school’s top basketball star and ladies’ man. After she encounters three of his infuriated secret girlfriends (Ashanti, Sophia Bush, and Arielle Kebble), the group makes an elaborate plan for revenge, using Kate as the bait. However, when John starts to weave his magic on the shy girl, she finds a different side to him that compels her to reconsider the fiendish plot.

Clearly I’m not in the target demographic for “John Tucker Must Die,” but should that excuse the appalling lack of effort from the production? I’m all for films with handsome “teenagers” (Metcalfe is 28 years-old, for the record), a tuneless pop soundtrack, and jokes about teachers, but when did teen films get so lazy? “Tucker” is blessed with a gum-snap title, and that’s where is stops trying.

Unfortunately for “Tucker,” it had the misfortune of being directed by Betty Thomas, the helmer behind two major reasons to hate Eddie Murphy these days, “Doctor Dolittle” and “I Spy.” Granted, Thomas also made the sublime Howard Stern bio-pic, “Private Parts,” yet as the years tick by, I’m pretty sure she had nothing to do with the quality of that gem.

Bless her heart, but Thomas is a 58 year-old filmmaker making a movie that is meant for tween slumber parties. It’s an uphill battle she can’t fight in good faith, leaving “Tucker” a dreary, autopilot directing job. The jokes are either unimaginative slapstick or giggly MySpace taboo topics (Sluts! Lesbians! Cute boys in panties!), and nothing here could be mistaken for even the most basic idea of “wit.” It’s just terrible, contrived screenwriting. “Saved by the Bell” did the same type of material on a weekly basis, and that show had ten times the creativity of “Tucker.” Plus, on that series, there weren’t any “nerdy” girls with out-of-nowhere six-pack abs either. Ahhh, Hollywood.

Also, would it have killed the film to cast anyone beyond their looks? Metcalfe might set hearts aflame on the small screen, but as the title character, he doesn’t offer much of a reason to be interested in him. John Tucker should be this impossible figure of charisma: the devil’s candy to girls just getting used to their breasts. Metcalfe, however, plays him…well, he just takes his shirt off a lot. Perhaps to Thomas, this is all the performance she required from him. And the less said about the women of the film, the better. They’re a steaming mess of clichés, bordering on a misogynistic holocaust.

I thoroughly hated “John Tucker Must Die,” but in the interest of full disclosure, the screening I attended had a sea of pre-teen girls giggling throughout the entire thing while their parents snored (one quite literally).

If you’re above the age of 12, I wouldn’t step anywhere near this film. If you must go, bring a book to entertain you and some booze to wash away the memory of it afterwards.

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=14887&reviewer=404
originally posted: 07/28/06 03:06:45
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User Comments

8/23/10 Jordan The end made me mad. A cake fight and all is forgiven, sure... 2 stars
1/08/09 Anonymous. john tucker deserved it. 3 stars
5/15/08 Karrie Millheim cute movie. guy cheats and the girls get revenge 4 stars
3/02/07 David Pollastrini All the women in this film are hot! 3 stars
2/19/07 sun shine This movie sucks 5 stars
1/25/07 Sugarfoot John Tucker must die, but so do the producers as well. 1 stars
12/30/06 tanya hernadez i loved it, the producers sure made fortunes on this one!! 5 stars
12/14/06 Samantha This is a moive you can watch over and over..YEAH its just that great 5 stars
11/18/06 Daniel Brown This movie sucks.Why couldn't he just dump her before she dumped him 1 stars
11/14/06 ava hilarious the best 5 stars
11/12/06 cody I saw at friend house, it had lot funny moments, but nothing new man. 3 stars
10/31/06 sofie best film eva - beta than mean girls 5 stars
10/30/06 ES blah-blah-blah no redeeming qualities, one fun moment 2 stars
10/04/06 Baldeadly This was like 'Mean Girls' gone wrong. It was funny and I would defo watch it again 4 stars
9/28/06 Ryann I thought it was a good deminstration of how high school can be.. the plot wasn't exciting 4 stars
9/14/06 Courtney This was the best movie i have seen in a while 5 stars
9/13/06 Lucy Lymonhurst Preposterous,but not enough so for a film whose voice of wisdom is played by Jenny McCarthy 2 stars
9/01/06 Mr Bayg More like, "butt sucka must cry!" ...except for the poontang picture. 2 stars
8/17/06 Tiffany havent seen it yet, but really want to. 5 stars
8/13/06 Corey. Hilarious. Easy on the eyes. :P I love Jesse Metcalfe. 5 stars
8/05/06 Mase Desperatley wants to be Mean girls, closer to the dredful "she's the man". watchable i gues 3 stars
8/05/06 Tonya I loved very funny 5 stars
8/04/06 Jessica really good for teenagers 5 stars
8/04/06 lola well i think it was a great movie since jesse is a flippen sexy!! 5 stars
8/02/06 Eddie robertson Havnt seen it yet but it looks awsome 5 stars
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  28-Jul-2006 (PG-13)
  DVD: 14-Nov-2006



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