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Overall Rating

Awesome: 0.63%
Worth A Look: 5.06%
Just Average: 5.7%
Pretty Crappy: 10.13%

10 reviews, 98 user ratings

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Avengers, The (1998)
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by Rob Gonsalves

1 stars

"The Avengers" is so thoroughly and consistently awful that I've actually wasted some time wondering whether its makers intended it that way. If so, the movie is brilliant -- a successful blend of terrible acting, a flat-out incomprehensible plot, groan-inducing dialogue, ridiculous action sequences, and artistic failures on every level. It may well have a second life on video as an Ed Wood movie for the '90s, a Cheez Whiz fiasco to rent and guffaw at with a bunch of wise-ass friends.

In fact, let's look at it from another angle: Why is this movie so bad? Some theories:

· Ralph Fiennes, who plays secret agent John Steed (the role filled by Patrick Macnee in the BBC-TV series), must have grown tired of giving good performances. So he decided to phone in his performance as Steed, reciting his lines in a dull upper-class monotone occasionally punctuated by a smug little smirk. The result is stunning -- the worst acting by a great actor since Al Pacino in Revolution, though unlike Al, Ralph doesn't get to deliver a line as fabulously shitheaded as "My mouth belongs anywhere I put it."

· Uma Thurman obviously wanted to undercut her sex-symbol image by making herself look really stupid. She does this in The Avengers by pouring herself into her Emma Peel suit (and I gotta say, Elizabeth Hurley in Austin Powers wore it better), affecting a now-you-hear-it-now-you-don't English accent, and playing a delirious scene in a straitjacket that will certainly get the movie a spot in Movieline's "Bad Movies We Love" column.

· After years of watching other actors ham it up as Bond villains, Sean Connery must have wanted to try it himself. As Sir August de Wynter, who wants to control the weather all over the planet, he's a real glazed ham, all right. I mean, you stare at him in this movie and you think "My God, he doesn't even seem like Sean Connery." Dr. Evil had more dignity than this, for Christ's sake. Sean's lowlight comes early, when he's addressing a roomful of henchmen dressed in ... you ready? ... teddy-bear costumes. Connery also wears one, though he takes the head off so we can see who he is. He should've left it on.

· Director Jeremiah Chechik apparently was curious to see if he could make a movie worse than his remake of Diabolique. After a wide search (so goes my theory), he settled on the Avengers script by Don MacPherson, who fills entire scenes with rapid-fire repartee that's meant to be witty but so painfully isn't. MacPherson also knows a knee-slapping pun when he sees one. Walking through a shrubbery maze like the one in The Shining, Emma Peel says "It's amazing." Ha ha ha! Get it? A-maze-ing? And there are just so many more like it!

· Having read this masterpiece of stupidity, Chechik (still according to my theory) rushed headlong into production, making sure to pace every scene like a snail crawling up a mountain of flypaper backwards; also taking extra care to make each big set-piece as stupefyingly implausible as possible, from the robot wasps to the magnificently brain-damaged climax, in which Steed and De Wynter duke it out on a metal bridge during a thunderstorm. Guys, there's this thing called "indoors." It's a safer place to be when you're fighting each other with metal objects during a storm.

· Finally, Warner Bros. must have monitored this production at every step of incompetence along the way -- from the script to the dailies to the final cut -- and decided to release it anyway. Since Warner was coming off a devastating year full of megabudget flops like The Postman and Sphere, their commitment to a movie that makes Sphere look like Battleship Potemkin brings tears of admiration to my eyes.

Yes, everyone involved with the making of "The Avengers" has pooled their talents to make something very special. We have to recognize perfection in all its forms, wherever we find it, and what we have here is a perfect piece of shit.

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=15&reviewer=416
originally posted: 12/25/06 14:42:26
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User Comments

4/26/16 Ken Steaming pile of smelly dog shit! 1 stars
2/20/14 Justin R. Stupid, stupid film!!! 1 stars
1/22/13 dr.lao Good only for playing MST3K, the Home Game 1 stars
7/20/12 Sean Harrison It's a shame that Sean Connery's name was attached to this. 2 stars
10/05/11 torturedsoul What a sad world where huge sums of money are spent on such rubbish 1 stars
7/12/09 danny boy Sean Connery in a bear suit. 1 stars
11/12/08 The Dork Knight gaaaaahhh! absolute crap!! 1 stars
8/27/08 Shaun Wallner This one was kinda boring. 1 stars
8/13/08 Brenda could not finish it . was horrible dull! 1 stars
7/25/08 The Dork Knight Avoid. 1 stars
7/05/08 dan halberg The teddy bear scene was funny. Otherwise crap 1 stars
10/28/07 J. Shaw You have to take it for what it is - junk food. If you look at it that way, it's kinda fun! 4 stars
4/09/07 JM Synth Fantastic set design, occassional spark of imagination, but a poor film overall 2 stars
4/14/06 mr.mike didn't think it was that bad 4 stars
11/23/05 Narcs This movie was waste of my money.. what a waste of time and taste. 1 stars
9/07/05 paki_munda how awful was this 1 stars
8/12/05 ES Mr. Connery you've been so graious by selling out in the past, please once more= ok 1 stars
6/21/05 Roland Berry Don't watch this film if you are a fan of the TV series. 1 stars
3/21/05 craig varney total crap doesn't even compare to the tv show 1 stars
11/17/04 Jews for Hitler Jesus wept.... 1 stars
10/20/04 C.J. Hey! How come I always have to defend this movie? 4 stars
9/18/04 CharWar Parts of it were fun - costumes interesting - hated the bears 4 stars
6/11/04 DJ ERIC 88 i actually enjoyed this movie and was suprised people hated it! 4 stars
6/11/04 John horrendous - totally inept and terrible casting except for Connery 1 stars
4/17/04 Pete Holy 1 stars
4/05/04 Mr X This movie thinks there is a Hollywood conspiracy to purposely dumb down America 1 stars
3/24/04 Whatevr Its a good thing they don't test this movie on animals 1 stars
2/26/04 DM What the fuck happened? 1 stars
8/17/03 Lord Chu It physically hurt me. I am legally within my rights to sue the filmmakers for assault. 1 stars
6/03/03 Charles Tatum Bad in so many ways 1 stars
4/15/03 Jack Bourbon Mind-bogglingly bad. Dull, boring, blank, incoherent. Blah. Ick. Duh. 1 stars
2/10/03 Ubu the Ripper After starring in this yawnfest Thurman and Feines should take a cut in pay. 1 stars
1/10/03 Paul Coleman Hideous, embarrassing GARBAGE. Catherine Zeta Jones would have made a better Mrs. Peel. 1 stars
12/28/02 Colin Selby what a hopeless mess 1 stars
12/09/02 gromm I couldn't watch more than 5 minutes of this movie. And the accents are fake. 1 stars
10/13/02 KMG it was difficult to understand what the fuck this movie was about 1 stars
9/04/02 Chancey Thunderpants Oh my... this was terrible. Disastrous attempt at filmmaking, acting, everything. 1 stars
6/17/02 Bart I sooo wanted this to work. Disappointing. 2 stars
6/02/02 Dark Barøn Yeah. 1 stars
3/01/02 Alan Smithee You know you're in trouble when Uma in a leather body suit can't make you watch a movie! 1 stars
8/12/01 Catherine I know movies can suck but... 1 stars
7/14/01 officer 412/l they spend months hyping this film trying to make us believe it was unmissable. was it fuck 1 stars
6/07/01 *~Danielle*Ophelia~* (formerly KyLe*BrOfLoVsKi) I almost cried. Swear to God. 1 stars
5/29/01 Thrillhouse Don't waste your money on this movie. Oh, and the movie is laughably stupid. 1 stars
5/26/01 Connoisseur this was the worst movie i've ever seen dudes 1 stars
4/25/01 Spetters Connery, thurman and fiennes make bloody fools of themselves! FUCKING PAINFUL!!!!! 1 stars
4/15/01 Rampage Bums in teddy bear suits!? What the hell?! This movie is un-friggin'-believable! 1 stars
4/01/01 Jesse L Uma is awful. Come back Diana!!! 1 stars
2/19/01 T. Sharif The Avengers will help you get your zzzzz....... 1 stars
2/05/01 Mister Char i hope uma thurman dies of a slow cancer. 1 stars
1/12/01 Avenger Girl What a miscarriage of justice to a great legendary TV show 2 stars
12/07/00 Cristopher Revilla Someone should grab that teddybear suit and shove it up the diretors ass, or Uma's!!! 1 stars
10/05/00 Ralph Fiennes Alright alright I'm sorry! I only did it to perve at Uma in leather 1 stars
9/11/00 Ground Zero There are movies that suck so bad, but this movie is one of 'em 1 stars
9/07/00 Stuntman stupid, sloppy and really, really pathetic acting 1 stars
7/28/00 Jinx Worst film I've seen in the last 10 years. Moronic. Unclever. Disjointed. BAD ACTING. 1 stars
7/22/00 Digitalus Swarms of bugs, teddy bears... oh God. Come up with cheap 1-liners and a really bad cast 1 stars
7/09/00 Andrew Freeman Uma is hot...but those Teddies pushed me over the edge (masturbating) 2 stars
6/26/00 Ulatekk Guys in Teddy Bear suits? What the fuck??? I walked out after 15 min. 1 stars
5/30/00 danilo there are movies that are so bad they're good. But this movie is so bad it's just bad 1 stars
4/26/00 Pansy Vile and stupid movie. God it sucked! 1 stars
3/09/00 David Rogers What? Where? When? Why? How? Some of the many questions you'll think during this film. 1 stars
3/07/00 Richard Wright A complete mess. One liners aren't funny,actors are poorly cast and film is boring to boot. 1 stars
3/01/00 Ionicera The only thing saving this movie from absolute zero it deserves is the Fiennes sauna scene. 2 stars
11/04/99 Karahde Khan Release the series on video now, and burn until the last copy of this horrid travesty. 1 stars
10/03/99 Joe Schmoe Like ChefMichelle said, pure crap 1 stars
9/19/99 Admiral Crunch rude/Charney, your comments confirm you're a dimwit, Uma and Feines needs to do some Pepsi 1 stars
5/09/99 Ah Dooey Can I give it 0 stars? F**king shit. 1 stars
4/15/99 Mr. Kramitall Umm, Lulu, your biological clock is showing. Oh, and the movie goddam sucks! 1 stars
4/01/99 The Incredible Sulk Righto with the review, Oz. Sexist, offensive, vile, stupid and pathetic. 0 stars. 1 stars
3/26/99 Technorama Was there a great movie? All I saw was a bunch of stupid "jokes" and FX. It just sucked. 1 stars
3/17/99 Madcap "How real do you feel Mrs. Peel?" "Why, rather plastic, thanks for asking" 2 stars
3/13/99 Viral Messiah Hollywood should be sued for this putrid piece of crap. 1 stars
3/12/99 Lulu I loved it. It was different from most. Dissapointing to the series however 5 stars
1/24/99 donkey_dew Not bad, not too bad at all. 4 stars
1/07/99 Jo Mama my girlfriend wanted to see this shit...we broke up shortly after 1 stars
12/10/98 Skip Danner One of the worst films of all time. My god; who was in charge here? 1 stars
11/24/98 Mr.Pink Worst movie of 1998, it was even worse than Batman & Robin 1 stars
10/28/98 Bad Kosh Thiis movie drove me nuts. I died laughing at that crock of crap. 1 stars
10/19/98 Dark Horizons I was incredibly disappointed by this movie. 2 stars
10/18/98 Kwyjibo God awful. Ralph Fiennes can't do camp. Nor can Uma. Or Sean. 1 stars
10/16/98 Finley Pure crap. 1 stars
10/07/98 Korny Island See "shitty" in the dictionary. Why go camp with the straightest actor ever? 1 stars
10/01/98 Specter Funny satire on the whole; Uma looks great in tight leather. 3 stars
9/28/98 Marty in St.Louis The villian wants to control the weather? Is this Connery or "the Brain"? 1 stars
9/22/98 CHRIS "Motherfukin" Paulychronopolus This movie couldnt blow me! 1 stars
9/20/98 AL I thought this movie was really good, and funny! 4 stars
9/20/98 Allen Galland Boring 2 stars
9/16/98 Joe Mama This movie was a piece of shit. 1 stars
9/14/98 Mark Nelson Fair 3 stars
9/13/98 Acappellanowords Godawful!! Gave me bad "Hudson Hawk" flashbacks! 1 stars
9/10/98 Mike It was funny as hell. Don't go with too high expectations. But, coulda been worse. 4 stars
9/05/98 Kid Pee-Pee It's official. I hate Uma and Ralph can't act. 1 stars
9/05/98 Mike Lancaster Sean Connery will be wearing a Barney suit next! Is $$ worth this kind of embarrassment? 1 stars
8/28/98 The 13 Inch Grey Penis. Seriously, if Sean Connery is still the sexiest man in the world after this, I'll convulse. 1 stars
8/22/98 Mister Whoopee Not even Uma in leather can make this shit float. 2 stars
8/16/98 Ryan_A One of the worst movies I've seen this year. 1 stars
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  14-Aug-1998 (PG)
  DVD: 03-Feb-2004


  05-Nov-1998 (PG)

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