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Overall Rating
1.71

Awesome: 1.37%
Worth A Look: 10.96%
Just Average: 4.11%
Pretty Crappy: 24.66%
Sucks58.9%

5 reviews, 43 user ratings


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Wicker Man, The (2006)
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by EricDSnider

"Neil LaBute Hates Women and Has Issues with Religion: The Movie"
2 stars

Not having seen the 1973 British cult classic "The Wicker Man," I cannot say whether the 2006 remake is faithful. Did the original include a scene in which the leading man puts on a bear costume in an effort to infiltrate cultists? Did that leading man also yell, "Killing me won't bring back your G--d--- honey!"?

I suspect not. I suspect it takes a Nicolas Cage (or a Charlton Heston or a William Shatner) to holler that kind of nonsense without a trace of self-consciousness. You need a ham of the highest order to make this malarkey funny, which is what "The Wicker Man" remake ultimately is.

Adapted and directed by once-beloved indie misanthrope Neil LaBute, our story is about Edward Malus (Cage), a California cop who's on leave after witnessing a horrific traffic accident that turns out to have nothing to do with the rest of the movie. While recovering, he gets a letter from his ex-fiancee, Willow (Kate Beahan), pleading for his help in finding her missing daughter.

Willow and the girl, Rowan, live on a privately owned island off the coast of Washington called Summersisle, so Edward hops a plane and a ferry and another plane and shows up to investigate. The island's inhabitants are unwelcoming of strangers, nearly Amish in their lifestyle, and almost exclusively female. The few men visible to the naked eye remain silent and perform menial tasks. Edward is puzzled by what he sees and frustrated by the community's lack of regard for his status as a law-enforcement officer. Also, the Summersisle residents claim, at various times, that Rowan never existed and that she existed but died.

Willow herself is oddly uncooperative for someone who wants her daughter back, but Edward can chalk that up to the island's general policy of vague answers and obfuscation of evidence. The group is governed by Sister Summersisle (Ellen Burstyn), a queen-like figure in flowing robes and benevolent smiles who tells Edward of the island's two major festivals: one for the harvest and one for fertility. The harvest pertains to the island's numerous beehives (honey is the community's chief export), and the fertility is evident in the many pregnant women one sees wandering around.

So OK, we've got some kind of peaceful cult going on here, but what about the missing girl? Edward finds few answers. It doesn't help that he spends many of his spare hours having hallucinations, nor that he is -- wait for it -- wait for it -- allergic to bees.

It is possible to make genuinely creepy movies about strange pagan societies, but "The Wicker Man" is not one. The climactic sequence involving the group's annual "celebration of death and rebirth," in which all the island's residents put on animal masks and/or costumes, is silly, not eerie, Cage's appearance in a bear outfit certainly does not help matters.

The one excellent performance is by Ellen Burstyn, still radiant at 73 and skillful enough as an actress to recite her cheesy, wannabe-spooky dialogue in a way that sounds natural. Her every word sparkles, even when her face is painted like Braveheart. (Why is her face painted like Braveheart?!)

Since the movie itself is a laughable wreck (albeit a well-photographed one), I'm curious to examine what the symbolism is all about. LaBute was a Mormon until a few years ago, when he renounced his membership before the church could renounce it for him. LaBute's remake of the "The Wicker Man" -- but not the original -- centers around bees, both literally and (in the island's societal structure) figuratively, and the beehive has long been a part of Utah's and Mormonism's symbology. Consider also the film's secretive and strict religious society, which could easily be seen as representing LaBute's view of his former church. LaBute's films have always addressed his issues with women. Is he going to start working out his issues with Mormonism, too?

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=15159&reviewer=247
originally posted: 09/07/06 02:07:24
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Horror Remakes: For more in the Horror Remakes series, click here.

User Comments

4/14/13 Melissa NOT THE BEES! THEY'RE IN MY EYES! (btw if you get the joke in my name, kudos) 1 stars
8/26/12 David Pollastrini A horrible remake of a horrible original 1 stars
12/04/09 Chris F the biggest pile of shite ive ever seen 1 stars
8/01/09 Josie Cotton is a goddess The original chilled me to the bone; the remake just made me hungery for honey. Mmmm honey. 2 stars
9/18/08 David Cohen Not the bees! Not the bees! Don;t try and tell me this wasn't supposed to be funny 1 stars
8/12/08 PAUL SHORTT IDIOTIC, PRESUMPTUOUS AND DEFINATELY UNNECESSARY 1 stars
7/05/08 art WATCH THE ORIGINAL INSTEAD 1 stars
3/22/08 Nick I got tricked into watching this movie. Wheres the ending. Brick the producers 1 stars
3/22/08 Matt Only good thing about this movie was when Nicholas Cage punched the shit out of that bitch 1 stars
3/01/08 Pamela White very very overrated 1 stars
11/19/07 Steve M One of the worst films I've ever seen. 1 stars
11/08/07 Naghma I cannot believe Nicholas Cage agreed to do this movie. One of the worst movies ever. 1 stars
10/23/07 Ivana Mann Easily the funniest movie of 2006.Too bad it's supposed to be a thriller."My legs,my legs!" 1 stars
7/31/07 mr.mike somewhat overly bashed , but not good. 2 stars
6/11/07 al smith fucking shit hollywood are fast running out of ideas 1 stars
6/03/07 fools♫gold the Fourth...Extreme; a sweetenedreminder forpeople towatch theoriginalagain. Above a 9/10 4 stars
4/23/07 bwah fukin horrible, i wish he would have killled those bitches but they took his ammo 1 stars
3/16/07 Luisa First Nicolas Cage flick that actually sucks!!! 1 stars
12/25/06 ALDO Someone please kill this director seriously worse movie i've ever seen terrible ending 1 stars
12/06/06 Azem Nicholas Cage rules, but I really don't get it why did he accept this role, the movie sucks 1 stars
11/05/06 Kate Considering LaButes past work, I place the blame on the producers. 3 stars
10/15/06 William Goss Laughably fascinating hokum. Third-act bitchsmacking spree is priceless. Coda stalls it. 2 stars
9/30/06 Swish worse than the original, is that even possible, yup somehow they pulled it off, amazing 1 stars
9/27/06 Raj Burn the director! 1 stars
9/15/06 David C Absolute worst movie I have ever seen. Ever. 1 stars
9/14/06 Kimberly Cole Zemke wish I could get that two hours back 1 stars
9/14/06 Whyteeemendee Incredible voice acting, especially during the "legs" part. 2 stars
9/14/06 Daniel Piece of shit, worst film ever 1 stars
9/12/06 Edward Connell How far will the diector take you,appreciated for the work. 5 stars
9/10/06 Monster W. Kung Pathetic piece of crap. Cage is one of the worst actors of all time. 1 stars
9/09/06 malcolm good but not as good as original 3 stars
9/08/06 michael pretty fair 3 stars
9/07/06 Tiffany Thought it was really dumb. Not scary either 2 stars
9/05/06 Tony People were laughing and yelling at this movie! Save your money!!! 1 stars
9/04/06 Rob Entertaining for an 11 year old...maybe a mildy retarded 12 year old 1 stars
9/04/06 Susan W The worst movie I've seen in a long time 1 stars
9/04/06 Pat Bresnahan Total waiste of time and money 1 stars
9/03/06 Lance M. I thought I was going to wet myself during the bear scene!!! 2 stars
9/03/06 Holcomb I can't say it enough, THE MOVIE SUCKED! 1 stars
9/02/06 Robin McCreery So very, very stupid 1 stars
9/02/06 Brandon "Oh, my legs!" is sure to be a popular catchphrase at all the best Pagan rituals this year. 1 stars
9/02/06 Ole Man Bourbon There were laughable lines, terrible scenes, but the movie was kinda ok overall somehow. 4 stars
9/01/06 Stubby The original WAS a classic...this is a disgrace to cinema. 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  01-Sep-2006 (PG-13)
  DVD: 19-Dec-2006

UK
  01-Sep-2006

Australia
  N/A




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