If you have ever idly speculated on what the Bruce Lee kung-fu classic “Enter The Dragon” might be like if it was recast with the Spice Girls, your prayers have been answered with “DOA: Dead Or Alive,” an aggressively silly film adaptation of the video game series that is being dumped in theaters this weekend after having already embarrassed itself throughout the world.The premise of the film is that a quartet of “Coyote Ugly” refugees–Jaime Pressly, Holly Valance, Devon Aoki and Sarah Carter–are among those summoned to a remote island to take part in a top-secret fighting contest with a $10,000,000 prize. Alas, the once-proud contest has been usurped by a mad scientist (Eric Roberts. . .yes, Eric Roberts) who is developed a machine that will allow him to harness all of their fighting skills (and, hopefully, their waxing and plucking abilities) into computerized sunglasses that he can sell to the highest evil bidder.
Of course, one does not go to a film like “DOA” for the intricate plotting–one goes for the kind of fight sequences where both the moves and the bosoms defy all known laws of gravity. Of course, the film isn’t exactly teeming with fighting experts so director Corey Yuen cuts–hell, juliennes–the footage in an effort to keep us from noticing that his stars can’t really fight and aren’t actually getting naked. While we may be paying more attention to other things when the girls are on-screen to notice this too much (especially when two of them are fighting in bikinis on a rainy beach), I will say that no amount of post-production trickery can cover up the jaw-dropping sight that is Eric Roberts attempting fighting moves that look less like Lee and more like Lebowski.“DOA” is awesomely idiotic on every level but it at least has the good grace to not pretend to be anything other than it is–an action-filled T&A fest aimed at 13-year-old boys whose moms won’t them have “Maxim” in the house–and in a weird way, I kind appreciated its cheerfully brain-dead attitude. I can’t in good conscience recommend that you go out and see it but at the same time, I must confess that I had more fun watching it than I did sitting through “Fantastic Four 2.”