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Overall Rating
2.53

Awesome: 16.05%
Worth A Look: 6.17%
Just Average: 29.63%
Pretty Crappy: 11.11%
Sucks37.04%

6 reviews, 45 user ratings



Marine, The
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by EricDSnider

"I've rarely Cena worse action movie."
2 stars

Professional wrestling hero John Cena probably said to himself one day, "You know what? I'm a big dumb guy. I bet I could play a big dumb guy in a movie." He mashed his fist on a telephone keypad, his agent answered, and thus was born "The Marine," a WWE-produced "Rambo" rip-off that allows Cena to flex his muscles. (His physical muscles, I mean. His acting muscles remain dormant.)

In this clumsy, dim-witted generic action caper, Cena plays John Triton, a Marine with cartoonishly large biceps who is discharged after single-handedly saving three soldiers from a cell of nine al-Qaeda terrorists in Iraq. Seems he recklessly disobeyed orders when he saved those guys, so the Marines want nothing to do with him. Back home in South Carolina, he takes a job as a security guard in an office high-rise but immediately loses it due to being a thuggish hothead.

(I am given to understand that in the wrestling world, being a thuggish hothead is one of Cena's most popular characteristics. I believe his fans will therefore find his "Marine" character quite to their liking.)

Then John and his wife, Kate (Kelly Carlson), are taking a road trip when Kate is accidentally kidnapped by a quintet of diamond thieves. (It's hard to explain.) John spends the rest of the movie pursuing them through a swampy river and its surrounding shacks and cabins, engaging in hand-to-hand combat where possible and only occasionally deploying such distasteful weapons as knives or guns.

The chief villain is a well-dressed psychopath named Rome. Played by Robert Patrick (and the movie does squeeze in a "Terminator" reference), he's the only enjoyable character in the film, simply because Patrick doesn't take himself seriously. He's actually enjoying himself, while everyone else is trudging through it laboriously.

Rome's accomplices include a hot woman (Abigail Bianca), on hand so the captive Kate can fight with her -- folks love a good chick-on-chick fight, you know -- a couple of all-purpose Movie Bad Guys, and a crazy, explosive-happy guy intended as comic relief. Unfortunately, the movie's idea of comic relief is for him to tell a story about when he was 13 years old and a camp counselor molested him. (Seriously.) He's one of the most singularly bizarre and ill-conceived movie characters I've seen all year, and I saw the Amanda Bynes movie.

John Triton, as burly as a gorilla but with less emotional range, has the following superpowers:

1. He can be inside a building when it gets blown up, yet emerge unharmed. This happens three times in the movie, with three different buildings.

2. He can be driving a car whose top half has been sheered off, leaving him with no protection whatsoever, and be shot at hundreds of times, riddling the hood and doors with bullet holes, yet sustain no injuries himself. The car's tires enjoy a similar bulletproofness.

But all superheroes have weaknesses, and John's is that if you hit him in the head with a fire extinguisher or a plank of wood, he will be rendered unconscious for as long as it takes you to escape.

The director, a first-timer named John Bonito, has allowed the fight scenes to be shot so darkly and edited so frantically that they're nearly incomprehensible. This method is usually employed to hide an actor's lack of fighting ability -- but John Cena IS a fighter. So why not let us see him actually, you know, fight?

It may be that the fight scenes were so choppily edited in order to avoid showing graphic violence and getting an R rating. Indeed, there are many instances throughout the film where it's obvious they've cut away from something before they wanted to. For as violent as the movie is, it's curiously blood-free.

Also, I like how John Triton runs and blows things up in slow-motion, but when he shifts gears in his car, it's sped up like it's the most exciting thing he's ever done.

Given wrestling's popularity, I'm sure there are people who will see "The Marine" just because it features John Cena. And those people will not be disappointed: The movie does, in fact, feature John Cena. John Cena is visible in nearly every scene. The one thing you can count on is that "The Marine," starring WWE titan John Cena, has ample quantities of John Cena in it. If you're looking for anything else, though, you might walk away a little unsatisfied.

(P.S. If you want to hear John Cena rap -- and I'm pretty sure you do -- stick around for the closing credits.)

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=15260&reviewer=247
originally posted: 10/20/06 00:10:20
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User Comments

2/13/17 morris campbell lame 1 stars
1/07/16 David Hollingsworth the worse action movie ever 1 stars
5/08/14 Richard Brandt Heartfelt plea against the perils of rock candy. Just say no, kids. 3 stars
4/14/14 Richard Brandt Robert Patrick obviously having a great time as the villain. Watch out for HARD CANDY!! 3 stars
8/25/13 DB Worst action movie since "XXX" 1 stars
1/21/11 Chris F stick to wrestling john 1 stars
10/25/08 Shaun Wallner Cena.. keep your day job lol 1 stars
9/06/08 PAUL SHORTT LOW BRAINED, LOW BUDGET, LOW LOGIC ACTION SHLOCK 1 stars
8/24/08 flojenkins one of the most unintentionally hilarious movies ever 5 stars
7/30/08 Dime it was what is expected in action films, a bit predictible though 3 stars
5/02/08 Karrie Millheim It was sort of boring to me, good action though 3 stars
11/10/07 hunter a cool action movie with my favorite wreslter john cena is the man 4 stars
11/03/07 Josh Worst movie that has ever been created. 1 stars
8/26/07 njabulo worst movie ever u all dumjmy idiots u americans 1 stars
7/19/07 B Every devildog "Marine" in the nation should be disgusted, I wasted $3.99 on John Cena 1 stars
5/22/07 JohnCena I'm a MARINE!!!! We are going throught it!!! This movie sucked ass 5 stars
3/01/07 Soc Do they still do such shit? Bad advertising for the marin core... 1 stars
2/23/07 cody a pretty darn good action flick, john cena is just awesome, chick fight scene is cool man. 4 stars
2/22/07 Rob Kinda lame but had some good moments and laughs best part was special features 2 stars
2/08/07 Ryan_A Cena's no Rock. Action at its most generic. At least Patrick's having fun. 2 stars
2/05/07 Sugarfoot A huge problem, is this movie intended to be so funny? Or is it that awful? It's a toss up. 2 stars
1/30/07 action movie fan exciting action hostage flick-pays homage to deliverance,southern comfort, shot to kill- 4 stars
1/03/07 Sean Horrible. 1 stars
12/22/06 Monica Cruz this is the best movie evr... well duhh nethign with joh ncen ais awesome... 5 stars
12/17/06 maggie kraler this is the best movie i have ever seen 5 stars
12/13/06 Stephanie i love johncena soo much and i also loved his movie The Marine. He looked really good 5 stars
12/10/06 Wilitza I Love John Cena, I like the Movie. 5 stars
12/05/06 john cena fan you guys are so stupid cena was awsome in that movie you guys are just bullshitin 5 stars
12/05/06 blackhawk just watch it, eventhough i don't like john cena 3 stars
12/04/06 salina this was the best movie you stupid people that said it wasn't good 5 stars
12/03/06 I hate Wrestlers Worst action flick I have ever seen. It's no Commando... 1 stars
11/30/06 Justin Loved it all it only got bad rating cuz the anti cena fans brung it down 5 stars
10/31/06 person this was one of the best movies ever you people that gave it a 3 or lower are retarded 5 stars
10/29/06 Chris A YOU ARE ALL IDIOTS 1 stars
10/23/06 michael wait for the dvd had its moments but the music made it seem like a bad porn without skin 3 stars
10/20/06 Ray I would never have seen this movie from reading the reviews, but it was hilarious. 4 stars
10/18/06 Mark I thought Hollywood stopped makig movies this bad 1 stars
10/17/06 Randy It's no Few Good Men but for a sit down, shut up and enjoy the ride flick, this ones great 5 stars
10/16/06 crissy I think this movie is great for cena's first movie 5 stars
10/16/06 nate They took the Marine name and turned it into a joke 1 stars
10/15/06 Anonymous Bob How could you possibly give this more than 1 star? 1 stars
10/14/06 Shery Typical silly, action flick, as long as you know that about it.....you will have fun. 4 stars
10/14/06 C You have to be a dumbass to give this 5 stars 1 stars
10/13/06 Matt Oakland Great action popcorn flick 5 stars
10/13/06 Nick No Good 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  13-Oct-2006 (PG-13)
  DVD: 30-Jan-2007

UK
  N/A
  DVD: 07-May-2007

Australia
  25-Jul-2007 (M)
  DVD: 25-Jul-2007




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