If Uwe Boll didnít speak English, I wonder if his films would get a greater pass. Thanks to the aura of anything with a foreign language that doesnít come from the crassness of Hollywood with their world-class CGI slickness, there are films which find a cult fan base simply for being different. Timur Bekmambetov received great support from none other than Quentin Tarantino who got quoted in all the ads for his film Night Watch. It may have been nothing but a ploy to make his endorsement of Eli Rothís work less farcical, but letís just say Iím more comfortable with him being an exporter than an importer. Cause now we have to deal with the so-called conclusion of Bekmambetovís epic apocalyptic vampire fantasy which is a mish-mash of the worst traits of Boll, Luc Besson and all the fears promised of the Cold War.Thankfully, to the filmís credit, we do get a recap of the convoluted introduction to the warring factions of the light and dark. A truce was formed to keep fangsuckers at bay so a dayshift and nightshift were created by both sides to monitor the other half. A load nameds Anton (Konstantin Khabensky) tried to get revenge on his ex-wife by killing her and their unborn child. The attempt failed. The boy would be born and later discovering the betrayal by his father, now a member of the Night Watch, joined up with the forces of darkness as their ďgreat other.Ē Ah, but the good guys also have their own ďgreat otherĒ in Sveta (Mariya Poroshina) and sheís in training while Antonís traitorous bastard holds up under the tutelage of the darkís leader, Zavulon (Viktor Verzhbitsky).
Now everyone wants to get their hands on The Chalk of Fate (and why wasnít that proudly part of the title?), an actual piece of chalk that can change oneís history if you have something to write on. Antonís bloodsuckiní neighbor seeks a deal with the daywatchers to turn his son human again after saving him from pneumonia with a vampiric blood transfusion. His kid is now the infatuation of another member of the day clan, one of whom has been mysteriously murdered with a boomerang-shaped stake. Anton is pinned for the death and must switch bodies with another Nightwatcher named Olga (Galina Tyunina) although all he does is use it to his own advantage to check out Sveta in the shower.
Day Watch reads with enough plot to fill out six trilogies and still itís a unmerciful bore nearly from start-to-finish. Bekmambetov uses moments like a hot chick driving a car across the side of a building and down a hallway to make an entrance to be cute instead of dazzling us with an adrenaline rush. Anne Riceís vamps donít talk as much as these loads do. They whine like characters in a bad soap opera and seem barely motivated to react to all the possibilities the plot has sitting in store for them. Our dopey hero mopes around hoping to get a girlfriend or trying to reconcile with his son by giving him food. By the time resolutions begin occurring during the final 15 minutes, we have to be reminded that there was a murder mystery going on this whole time.The Night Watch/Day Watch series through two films thus far plays like a 24-hour one-camera reality channel unfocused on faceless entities playing Dungeons & Dragons. Itís far worse than the assessment of CGI concoctions akin to video game watching. Even when the FX do kick into gear, turning a game of chicken into the impaling of one truck through another itís a superfluous distraction meant to convince us weíre the first witness to some revolutionary kind of filmmaking. Bekmambetov does use a defibulator during the destruction-filled prologue and epilogue but seems to be off playing golf during the hundred minutes in the middle. Like the infamous Uwe Boll, heís attempting to pen epic material without ink and like Besson in the same breath, then proceeds to furiously scribble making blank lines with no regard for writing over what heís already put to paper making everything a cacographic cornucopia of crap.