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Overall Rating
2.51

Awesome: 6.93%
Worth A Look: 14.85%
Just Average30.69%
Pretty Crappy: 17.82%
Sucks: 29.7%

6 reviews, 65 user ratings


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Bone Collector, The
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by Chef ADogg

"This movie is gay."
1 stars

Denzel Washington should never make another movie without Spike Lee. When he ventures outside Spike’s lense, bad things happen. Like “The Bone Collector,” one of the very worst movies I’ve seen all year (and I’ve watched my share of shit sandwiches in 1999).

God, could this movie suck any more? It’s not thrilling, it’s not scary, it’s not even particularly gory. It’s just a big dumb piece of crap that’s only getting wide release because Mr. Pretty White For a Black Guy decided it had been awhile since the last time he made a really shitty movie.

“The Bone Collector” is about a paralyzed cop and how he solves a murder mystery from his apartment with the aid of a fine young rookie, played by Angelina Jolie (she of the luscious blowjob lips). In an alternate universe, that would sound like a good idea, but you know the jerkoffs in Hollywood will only use the premise as a gimmick.

Nothing is developed, at all. Characters do stupid and illogical things, with no motivation; cheesy and senseless plot twists come right the hell out of nowhere; and the atmosphere is inconsistent. This movie gave me the feeling that Philip Noyce stayed up late one night to watch “Seven” and took notes on all the ways to make it pleasant and heartwarming: “Well, we can take away seventy percent of the violence, toss in a love interest, give it a happy ending, and get Denzel “Nilla Wafer” Washington for street cred AND mainstream appeal. Action!”

I wonder if they even finished writing the damn thing. In the last twenty minutes we watch the movie go into overdrive, manically swerving this way and that to get the audience psyched. The “surprise” killer strolls in, he explains his “diabolical” scheme, and he gets dispatched after a series of contrivances and coincidences. You see the air escaping, you feel the drag, and you can’t believe it has come to this. It’s rather hard to imagine anyone sitting at a desk, putting this gobshite to paper—didn’t they realize how gay it all was?

The performances, in a word, suck. Denzel was good in “He Got Game” and that’s it. I’m sick of watching him try to be intense. Would it be so hard for him to play an actual, honest to God human being? With, y’know, weaknesses and character traits? ‘Nilla seems pretty content this time around to lay back (literally) and let Jolie’s lips do all the work. Speaking of Ms. BJ, she was better in just about every other movie she’s ever done. Especially “Playing by Heart.”

The only other performance worth mentioning is Ed O’Neil. That guy rocks. But he doesn’t get to make any dirty jokes, and that sucks. They should have brought in the busty red head from “Married With Children” to be the killer, that would have been totally sweet. And Ed O’Neil should have had Denzel’s role. And he could make dirty jokes and the busty redhead could bitch him out and show cleavage and it would be great

And if they got rid of the whole serial killer thing, too. That would be cool.

Basically, this movie would be better if it were “Married With Children.” I’d go on for longer, but I don’t have too much more to say. There’s nothing in the whole stupid movie to warrant discussion or serious thought—I’ve given it too much already, believe it or not. You’d either have to be dumb or in love to actually go see this movie. I am both.

In a word? Avoid.

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=1628&reviewer=123
originally posted: 11/27/99 23:57:33
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User Comments

12/28/17 morris campbell good not great 4 stars
4/09/10 PAUL SHORTT REASONABLY ENTERTAINING SUSPENSE THRILLER/WHODUNIT 3 stars
5/15/08 Karrie Millheim The suspense is good, the story line interesting 4 stars
4/04/08 stephanie willis not oscar worthy but entertaining 3 stars
3/29/08 Pamela White casted poorly but the plot is ripe for a remake 3 stars
1/15/07 David Pollastrini not horrible 3 stars
5/22/06 Agent Sands Actually, it kinda disturbed me. 4 stars
8/11/05 ES Why exactly did the killer have to know the police hunting him?= bad Hollywood ending 1 stars
4/22/05 Indrid Cold Remarkably boring. An a-list cast is completely wasted in this lame "Seven" ripoff. 2 stars
11/08/04 Lady T Facinated w/ the movie & the brillance of Rhyme's mind. I unravel new things at each view 5 stars
11/05/04 Cármen Guimarães Denzel very, very wonderfull.Thanks ! 5 stars
4/09/04 Tito Starts off good, then goes bad. illogical non-thriller. 1 stars
3/23/04 Lord Haw Haw So so, humdrum with a ridiculous ending. 2 stars
6/09/03 Any chance we could GET REAL? Does anyone really BELIEVE this "Angelina Jolie is Ashley Judd" crap?? 3 stars
6/09/03 Charles Tatum Oscar cast in B crap 2 stars
6/08/03 Debra Never more obvious that "Angelina Jolie" is really Ashley Judd! 2 stars
6/08/03 Jenny Tullwartz A. Jolie looks too much like another AJ. If I were Angelina, I'd change my identity. 3 stars
4/30/03 R.A.C. The only time I jumped was after my girlfriend woke me... 2 stars
3/28/03 NYTRANSIT417 Aswsome...Creppy Movie. A+ 5 stars
3/25/03 Jack Sommersby Pallid whodunit that lacks suspense and interesting characters. 2 stars
2/28/03 y2mckay substandard genre Thriller, indistinguishable from every other film Denzel's been in. 2 stars
1/11/03 Goofy Maxwell Boring+implausible+Ed O'Neill...Damn! I coulda saved an hr. or 2 w/ a 1-800-COLLECT ad. 1 stars
12/12/02 danielle interesting and scarey 5 stars
11/15/02 Big Ted Underrated goodie. Latifah shines. 4 stars
10/23/02 Charles Tatum Oscar cast in B crap 2 stars
7/20/02 sdjfsdkjf I like generally like Angelina, but not in this and as for Denzel...fuck no. Deplorable. 1 stars
2/24/02 Jenny Tullwartz A. Jolie looks too much like another AJ. If I were Angelina, I'd change my identity. 3 stars
2/06/02 Phil M. Afficianado Denzel makes it worth seeing (maybe). Silly violence at the end 3 stars
1/28/02 Gracy Lionheart This movie was...dumb, unbelievable, boring, etc...you take your pick. 1 stars
9/08/01 Butterbean LOL@Louise!! This movie was not bad at all, but I wished that it followed the book. 3 stars
6/23/01 Matt Dorsey I was entertained. 3 stars
4/01/01 Jesse L Denzel was great; Angelina was lame.. 4 stars
3/20/01 jarcane zzzzzzzzzzzz, not exactly original. 2 stars just for Jolie. 2 stars
3/16/01 Boy In The Designer Bubble I'd rather be eaten alive by rats, than sit throught this shit again. 1 stars
1/20/01 William Blair HORRIBLE FILM! 1 stars
1/11/01 Matt69 Even denzel can't save this peice of fucking shit. 1 stars
10/17/00 Louise & Craig who can believe that a black kid in Harlem would come back with the camera 1 stars
9/18/00 D SILK E 1 who put a hot ass woman like jolie in a lame ass movie like this??? 1 stars
9/01/00 bart geyskens it sucks thru and thru ( the worst "thriller " i ever saw) 1 stars
8/31/00 Terrie Smith Pouty Angelina Jolie looks good but the film is so predictable. Some scenes are a bit much. 3 stars
7/18/00 kittykat total shit 1 stars
7/13/00 Michael Grimm i liked it, Jolie's character could have been better written though 4 stars
6/09/00 Mike Farwell It was pretty cool, but so is Angelina Jolie! 3 stars
5/12/00 Mark I thought it was pretty good 4 stars
5/04/00 seldom scene easy to figure out and not as compelling as Jeffery Deaver's novels 4 stars
5/03/00 Blackbird It was interesting. The movie didn't set up the ending. 3 stars
5/02/00 cort major If ms. Jolie wasn't in this it would be one of the worst movies in a long time. 1 stars
4/15/00 Jed The cast made this movie go from trash to sub-par 2 stars
4/08/00 Ken Like a poor man's "Seven." Utterly predictable. 2 stars
4/03/00 Girl9 Is this film supposed to scare me...or make me laugh?!! 1 stars
1/20/00 Matthew Bartley Seen it all before in better movies...but not awful 3 stars
12/11/99 Obi Wan Proposterous plot!! I felt cheated!!! Angelina is a Goddess!! 3 stars
12/07/99 Amanda Hall very good movie, kept me in suspence the entire time! 5 stars
12/02/99 Nick Z If you got a good health plan, get a lobotomy before seeing this. 1 stars
11/26/99 Skip Ok film not one I would go and see again, but did not feel like I got ripped off. 1 stars
11/26/99 Matthew Smith a terrific thriller, one of the best thrillers at the moment 5 stars
11/25/99 Nishe Denzel could have done better. He is an extraordinary actor but I like to see him move. 3 stars
11/18/99 schmegs Good acting, good atmosphere, predictable story 3 stars
11/14/99 John Horrible! Unoriginal! 1 stars
11/12/99 George Nedelchev Good cast, acting and editing is not enough at all. 2 stars
11/10/99 Buttman Washington was great. Better to see Se7en or Silence of the Lambs. 3 stars
11/08/99 Marble Xavier Washington and Jolie are perfectly cast. The book was better though. 4 stars
11/05/99 Yo! One thing to say! This is the funniest movie that I have ever seen. I laughed my ass off! 5 stars
11/05/99 PhilmPhreak Why would Denzel use a rookie as his lead investigator - passing over his former partner? 3 stars
11/05/99 Adam Too many "is this the killer?" people. 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  05-Nov-1999 (R)
  DVD: 28-Aug-2001

UK
  N/A

Australia
  18-Nov-1999




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