Jamie Kennedy's favorite movie review site
Home Reviews  Articles  Release Dates Coming Soon  DVD  Top 20s Criticwatch  Search
Public Forums  Festival Coverage  Contests About 
Advertisement

Overall Rating
1.95

Awesome: 4.84%
Worth A Look: 1.61%
Just Average: 20.97%
Pretty Crappy: 29.03%
Sucks43.55%

5 reviews, 32 user ratings


Latest Reviews

Fortress, The (2017) by Jay Seaver

MFA by Jay Seaver

You Only Live Once by Jay Seaver

November (2017) by Jay Seaver

Friendly Beast by Jay Seaver

Foreigner, The (2017) by Jay Seaver

Tom of Finland by Rob Gonsalves

Happy Death Day by Jay Seaver

78/52: Hitchcock's Shower Scene by Jay Seaver

Death Note: Light Up the New World by Jay Seaver

subscribe to this feed


10,000 B.C.
[AllPosters.com] Buy posters from this movie
by Rob Gonsalves

"Good gameplay. Cut scenes are too long."
1 stars

A lot of movies these days spawn video games (and vice versa). I have a feeling "10,000 BC" should’ve skipped the movie stage and gone right to the video game. There are, as far as I can tell, no plans yet to adapt the film for Wii or PlayStation 3 or Xbox, but there should be. It’d probably be a fun quest game, with lots to enjoy and laugh at along the way.

You’d play as D’Leh, the brave mammoth hunter chosen by the fates to deliver his tribe from slavery at the hands of a technologically advanced warrior tribe. Your character would look like a white Rastafarian and sound like Steven Strait, so he’d be kind of wimpy and none too plausible as the game’s hero. You’d start by hunting a mammoth, of course, which is easier than you’d think: just hold a spear up and wait for the mammoth to charge at you. Realistically, you’d get stomped, as would happen in any decent movie, but that’s not going to happen this early in a video game.

Later, your sweetheart Evolet gets kidnapped by the evil warriors. In a good movie about prehistoric times, Evolet wouldn’t have eyeliner and look like Camilla Belle. But this is a video game, where female characters are frequently unrealistically gorgeous, shapely, and scantily clad. So Evolet is allowed to be as cute as a button, though all the other women in sight are rather dowdy. Following the progress of you and Evolet is an old wise woman named Old Mother. Every once in a while, there’s a cut scene in which she quivers and moans whenever things are going badly. You’ll want to hit the X button to skip past these scenes, of course. They serve only to interrupt the action.

Oh, yes, there’s action! You get to dodge phorusrhacids (or “terror birds”) and fight various warriors and get a saber-toothed tiger out of a trap. The tiger will, of course, return later and defend you from a suspicious African tribe, letting them know that you’re not just any hunter-gatherer; you’re down with sabertooths, man. So you join forces with them and other tribes who have seen their women and children kidnapped by the evil warriors, and together you journey to the warlord’s vast city. How vast? So vast, they need mammoths to help build it. This is ridiculous, of course, but it’s one of those goofy-fun video games (especially considering some of the dialogue), so you roll with it. If this were in a movie, you’d laugh it off the screen.

Eventually the big boss battle comes up, and this is where the game sort of punks out. All you have to do is throw a spear at the warlord. He dies. All of his followers freak out. You save the day. Evolet gets killed but not really, and you live happily ever after, at least until the next video game comes out. It’s a pretty linear and predictable storyline, but that’s what makes it a fun play, a good time-waster.

Video games aren’t movies, and movies aren’t video games; they’re separate media, which is why so many video games based on movies suck and why so many movies based on video games suck. A movie based on "10,000 BC," for instance, would be one of the stupidest and most boring films of the year.

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=16808&reviewer=416
originally posted: 03/09/08 19:23:50
[printer] printer-friendly format  

User Comments

6/10/17 Homo habilis I'd rather be decapitated by a Phorusrhacid than sit through 10 minutes of this garbage 1 stars
1/07/16 David Hollingsworth cures your insomnia 1 stars
10/13/09 Anonymous Nice on the eyes, not on the brain. 3 stars
1/12/09 Anonymous. just alright. the visual effects WERE amazing but the story was pretty ridiculous. 3 stars
8/22/08 Mike Best part of the movie: "The End" 1 stars
8/05/08 Screwball Couldn't keep my eyes open 2 stars
7/26/08 christina wasn't great, wasn't bad, but the visual effects were amazing. 3 stars
7/18/08 Shaun Wallner I was totally waiting for the SabreTooth to rip someone to shreds!! 2 stars
7/14/08 Holly totally boring, unrealistic, and unrelatable. Its also historically rubbish... 1 stars
7/03/08 PAUL SHORTT A DULL COMPENDIUM OF RECYCLED ADVENTURE EPIC CLICHES 1 stars
6/04/08 Jayson I woke up around 1,000 B.C. 2 stars
4/12/08 atthezoo good napping movie 2 stars
4/03/08 Colleen Cousineau More like a documentary then a movie. 3 stars
3/21/08 Anthony Feor What more could anyone ask for from a film like ths? It was a fun ride. 4 stars
3/20/08 mani 1 word boring 1 stars
3/20/08 Jules he ruined godzilla (since when was godzilla just a really big lizard?) and now this.. 1 stars
3/18/08 Tara It's garbage. I'm also unaware that eyeliner was discovered then. 1 stars
3/18/08 Quigley Visually stunning but lacking in everything else 3 stars
3/18/08 TreeTiger An incoherent piece of historically mashed up crap! 1 stars
3/17/08 George Ridiculus... Emmerich's bombed this one absolutely 1 stars
3/16/08 Sam Better then I expected, I feel it was worth the money to go see. 5 stars
3/16/08 Dinesh can be nominated for the worst Oscar movie ever made 1 stars
3/13/08 hermione i love this movie and i havnt even seen it 5 stars
3/13/08 Wes I was hoping for so much more! 2 stars
3/13/08 christina bad choice in cast, reallllly boring 1 stars
3/13/08 Anthel Surprisingly boring, and the effects weren't even that special. Watch the trailer instead. 2 stars
3/12/08 tearle white they should have hired the geico cavemen/writers/director 1 stars
3/12/08 kipoyph It's insulting to realize that Emmerich thinks his audiences are a bunch of idiots. 1 stars
3/11/08 Tim wow. utter amazment. how could this movie be so bad? 1 stars
3/09/08 Brandi This movie was absolutely amazing. MUCH better than I expected it to be. 5 stars
3/08/08 action movie fan dissappointing! potentially great-story uneven characters dull-great production-sad let dow 3 stars
3/07/08 SamanthaPayntr i thought a lot fo this movie was funny, but i don't think that's what he ws going for. 3 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
Note: Duplicate, 'planted,' or other obviously improper comments
will be deleted at our discretion. So don't bother posting 'em. Thanks!
Your Name:
Your Comments:
Your Location: (state/province/country)
Your Rating:


Discuss this movie in our forum

USA
  07-Mar-2008 (PG-13)
  DVD: 24-Jun-2008

UK
  N/A

Australia
  06-Mar-2008




Home Reviews  Articles  Release Dates Coming Soon  DVD  Top 20s Criticwatch  Search
Public Forums  Festival Coverage  Contests About 
Privacy Policy | | HBS Inc. |   
All data and site design copyright 1997-2017, HBS Entertainment, Inc.
Search for
reviews features movie title writer/director/cast