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Overall Rating
1.54

Awesome: 6.45%
Worth A Look: 4.3%
Just Average: 4.3%
Pretty Crappy: 6.45%
Sucks78.49%

3 reviews, 75 user ratings


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Meet the Spartans
[AllPosters.com] Buy posters from this movie
by Peter Sobczynski

"Dear 20th Century Fox: Why Do You Hate Us So Much?"
1 stars

How bad is “Meet the Spartans,” the latest attempt at film parody from writer-directors Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer and 20th Century Fox, whose previous collaborations have included the mirth-free misfires “Date Movie” and “Epic Movie”? It is so bad that it almost makes their previous efforts look competent by comparison. It is so bad that it is the least amusing film opening in theaters this weekend, even though its competition includes a crypto-fascist war film (“Rambo”), a sleazy and hypocritical piece of techno-torture porn (“Untraceable”) and a harrowing look at a woman undergoing an illegal back-alley abortion in Romania during the waning days of the Ceausescu rule (“4 months, 3 weeks and 2 days”). It is so bad–and I swear that I am not making this up–that at the theater that I saw it at (since Fox refused to screen it in advance for reasons that will eventually become painfully clear), they were handing out refunds to ticket buyers even before the movie started. Have I properly conveyed the sheer awfulness of the film adequately for you or do I have to continue? It is so bad that when it introduces a running gag involving blurred upskirt shots, you can almost hear the actors just out of camera range trying to get them to move the blurs up high enough to hide their faces as well

Unlike Friedberg & Seltzer’s previous efforts, which essentially positioned themselves of parodies of entire genres (although the classifications were broad enough so that “Date Movie” included bits based on “Kill Bill” and “Epic Movie” managed to wedge in a “Borat” joke or two), “Meet the Spartans” essentially uses one specific film as its springboard, last year’s surprise historical action hit “300.” With its combination of stylized ultra-violence, rampant homoeroticism and self-serious attitude, you couldn’t ask for a bigger and more promising target for rude cinematic satire than and in the hands of even slightly competent comedic filmmakers, I can see a spoof of such material inspiring any number of big laughs. And yet, if “300" a huge comedy pinata just hanging there while waiting to get whacked, Friedberg & Seltzer turn out to be the awkward kids at the party that take a wild swing with the bat, somehow miss the target completely and wind up falling on their hinders while everyone stands around them with piteous looks on their faces.

Despite the fact that you and I could sit down for an hour and come up with any number of things about “300" that could easily be twisted into comedy, the only comedic notion that seems to have occurred to them is “Man, them Spartans sure looked and acted gay!” and as a result, we are subject to one joke after another in which the characters either look or act in a manner that makes them seem like fey flamers or comment that the other character are looking or acting in a manner that makes them seem like fey flamers. (This attitude is especially strange when you consider that the film itself is more than willing to break out into a dance number or a rendition of “I Will Survive” at the drop of a leather thong.) Even when the film accidentally comes close to a funny moment, it inexplicably finds a way to screw things up–at one point, the bad guy informs our hero that “I’ll write you out of the history books!” and instead of having him respond by saying something along the lines of not minding as long as he makes it into the comic books (sorry, graphic novels), he just says “That’s okay–I can’t read.” Hah-hah!

Instead of mining the details of “300" for laughs, Friedberg & Seltzer instead rely on their scattershot approach to parody, which essentially consists of bringing on someone dressed up vaguely like a character from a popular film or television series from the last year or two, have them say a line or two that mentions the film or television show they are trying to represent (a dancing penguin appears and someone comments “Hey, you’ve got happy feet!”–get it?) and then have them fart, puke or get crushed under some heavy object. This time around, they have included incredibly tepid shots at films like “Spider-Man 3,” “Shrek 3,” “Casino Royale,” “Happy Feet,” “Stomp the Yard”(?), “You Got Served” (??) and TV shows such as “Ugly Betty,” “Deal or No Deal,” “Dancing With the Stars” and “American Idol.” When those jokes begin to run thin, which occurs approximately 47 seconds into the film, it begins to bring on people who bear a very vague resemblance to someone famous on the assumption that the sight of them will inspire laughs–among the celebrities who are badly impersonated here are Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, George Bush and Carmen Electra. I’m sorry–it turns out that the Carmen Electra impersonator is actually played by Carmen Electra herself. No doubt she is just as sorry but to give her credit, she does get off the closest thing the film has to a funny line when she heaves her bosom in front of the camera and insists with a straight face that they are real.

The nicest thing that I can say about “Meet the Spartans” is that it is short–really short. If you discount the interminable end-credits sequence, the film clocks in at about 69 minutes and if you further subtract the extended “Stomp the Yard” dance number and the various commercial plugs for the likes of Subway, Red Bull, Krispy Kreme and Gatorade (no doubt paid for by their competitors as a way of discrediting them), it barely makes it to the one-hour mark. Other than that, this is a comedic dead zone that is so bereft of laughs that it turns out to be less entertaining than any of the films or personages that it witlessly spoofs and bear in mind, its subjects include the likes of “Transformers” and Dane Cook.

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=16843&reviewer=389
originally posted: 01/25/08 16:15:53
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User Comments

12/21/15 dfd Nothing clever 1 stars
11/09/11 matthew thompson dalldorf Chris: He did 'May' as well! Anyway, fuck this movie. Fuck it hard. 1 stars
8/15/11 chris Oh god Ken Davitan should of known better, he did Borat for god's sakes. 1 stars
9/22/10 bored mom Maybe it's watchable if you're really drunk, but you'd still feel your IQ draining away. 1 stars
6/20/09 George (DUKE) I wonder if any of these actors will ever work again...a few laffs very few 2 stars
6/10/09 CTT Racist, homophobic, stupid, and offensively pathetic 1 stars
3/15/09 Josie Cotton is a goddess You could write an entire book titled, 'Why Meet The Spartans doesn't work' 2 stars
1/15/09 X THIS. ISN'T. FUNNY!!! (kicks TV over) 1 stars
1/14/09 FrankNFurter This movie actually made me get dysentery. I don't think that's a good sign... 1 stars
1/09/09 Shawn The start was funny, and then the sh*tfest began. WORST...MOVIE...EVER 1 stars
12/29/08 blarginbadigalnohif Anyone who likes this piece of shit should literally FUCK THEIR OWN FACE! 1 stars
9/17/08 PAUL SHORTT WITLESSLY CRUDE AND VULGAR 1 stars
8/29/08 David More of a home video made by some juvenile kids than an actual movie. 1 stars
8/27/08 teenager please, movie reviewers, stop blaming teenagers for this shit, it makes us look bad 1 stars
7/19/08 John Millheim Corny movie, some parts were funny 3 stars
7/08/08 Totir Alexandru Very funny. I laughed a lot watching it :D 4 stars
6/12/08 Wolfrider Pretty crappy but with SOME mildly funny -- how did they talk Sorbo into this 2 stars
5/09/08 fuck this movie THIS MOVIE WAS A PIECE OF SHIT! 1 stars
4/25/08 The Velcro Warlock Yes, Cheryl, Carmen Electra's a dizzyingly underrated actress, but this logjam is hit&miss. 3 stars
4/13/08 jake it was awsome, but not as good as epic movie or the scary movie series 4 stars
4/12/08 Cheryl Mayfield Pretty Crappy, but hearing Carmen Electra talk about her urine sample was worth it. 2 stars
3/27/08 SamanthaPayntr this was like a REALLY LONG MadTV skit, 2 stars
3/20/08 Joris I can't believe i wasted an hour watching this crap. 1 stars
3/18/08 mike Worst film ever made!! dont waste your time or money. 1 stars
3/16/08 Zachary Very meh, not nearly as good as the Scary Movies. 2 stars
3/14/08 Anthony Feor Probably the worst movie ever made. 1 stars
3/06/08 jimmy someone have these people assasinated, along with those who found this entertaining 1 stars
3/02/08 Rupert Wow! I downloaded this shite and still feel ripped off! Writers - Go kill yourselves! 1 stars
2/14/08 drewl If you're thinking of watching this, do yourself a favor, and take a nap 1 stars
2/13/08 Clark Yep, this movie did suck so much, cheap peice of shit. 1 stars
2/12/08 elisa perkins It wasn't too horrible for a bad movie. 3 stars
2/08/08 Preston Poker I'm 32 years old and for the 1st time walked out on a movie. Spartans sucked this hard! 1 stars
2/02/08 Aaron fucken awesom so fucken funny 5 stars
2/02/08 Andy No more movies from Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg 1 stars
2/01/08 Ron20003 Donkey dick sucking can be dangerous. Best to stay away from this crap. 1 stars
2/01/08 Drew Couple of chuckles, but thats it. 1 stars
1/31/08 kl. this movie sucks my dick like a donkey 1 stars
1/31/08 dave F*ck you haters you have no humor at all 5 stars
1/30/08 Donald D There's always a handfull of MORONS who rate CRAP like this highly... 1 stars
1/29/08 Seen it, loved it! You guys are getting paid to slam it! This is a great movie and starts rlly funny! 4 stars
1/29/08 Rhysesmum 5 year old writters were the only ones NOT on strike at the time, mebe. 5 stars
1/29/08 Total Crap i predict this is the worst movie of '08 and it's only January. Thank god I didn't pay. 1 stars
1/29/08 Ronald Goosingthumb would have been 5 stars if they didn't skimp so much in the fart joke dept. 4 stars
1/28/08 Winky Stinkfinger thiz movie wuz aweeesome! 2 funny for u haters i guess! i kinda liked epic movie more tho.. 5 stars
1/28/08 haha i saw this with my dad it was the worstt movie in history nothing was funny at all not even stupid funny 1 stars
1/28/08 bill listen carefully if you enjoyed this movie you are a m-o-r-o-n,really your i.q. must be >50 1 stars
1/28/08 Navid Is the male on male kissing hot, at least? I'll never watch it, but I'm curious. 1 stars
1/28/08 Ben Fredette I wish I was never born... no further comments. 1 stars
1/28/08 Jimmy John After thinking about it, I'm going back to the theater to demand my money back...that bad!! 1 stars
1/27/08 Naurto Britney and Antonio's parents should have aborted them. 1 stars
1/27/08 m you say teens will go see this movie? stop underestimating us NOONE i know wants to see it! 1 stars
1/27/08 Steve They make these movies because they know dumbfucks will watch them. 1 stars
1/27/08 brent reitz Why dont the producers understand WE DONT THINK ITS FUNNY!!!! 1 stars
1/27/08 Richard I want my 65 minutes back! Worst movie in history. 1 stars
1/27/08 Daniel Extremly dissappointed. Cant believe wasted my money. 1 stars
1/27/08 Raven Not the best, not the worst, decently funny, yet commercials are not in the movie. 3 stars
1/26/08 Jeffrey Gardner Anybody seen Kentucky Fried Movie? 1 stars
1/26/08 Daniel I Am Legend was funnier then this shit 1 stars
1/26/08 Absolute crap. Someone forgot to hire writers. 1 stars
1/26/08 Raven A complete waste of time. Not funny! 1 stars
1/26/08 John The only ones laughing are the makers of this trash…all the way 2 the bank. 1 stars
1/26/08 Britney Extremely funny, i was laughing so loud i wet my pants. 5 stars
1/26/08 Dude who saw Meet the Spartans Wow this movie is sooooo garbage.The funniest parts aren't even that funny... 1 stars
1/26/08 Brooke wow deffinetly the worst movie ive seen..i left shortly into it lol 1 stars
1/26/08 Orwells Language Essay The writing is fine. Grow up, Joseph 1 stars
1/26/08 The first movie I walked out on. I couldn't even last twenty minutes before walking out. apparently half the movie! 1 stars
1/26/08 Dana Awful, unfunny, not good. Sad. Would have had more satisfaction throwing money in trash 1 stars
1/26/08 Antonio F*ck the haters; this movie rocked 5 stars
1/26/08 Jade Movie? That was supposed to be a movie..? puke' 1 stars
1/25/08 McKEnzie THIS WAS SO GAY!!! WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY! 1 stars
1/25/08 joseph I agree Spartans sucks, but this guys a terrible critic. Try reading Orwells language essay 1 stars
1/25/08 L The worst movie ever! 1 stars
1/25/08 Brian's Mom Viva la Brian! 1 stars
1/25/08 Jcat Looks like the Proactiv generation will make this crap hole #1 this weekend. 1 stars
1/25/08 matt 1 star is being generous to this movie. 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  25-Jan-2008 (PG-13)
  DVD: 03-Jun-2008

UK
  N/A

Australia
  28-Feb-2008




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