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Overall Rating
1.54

Awesome: 6.45%
Worth A Look: 4.3%
Just Average: 4.3%
Pretty Crappy: 6.45%
Sucks78.49%

3 reviews, 75 user ratings


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Meet the Spartans
[AllPosters.com] Buy posters from this movie
by Mel Valentin

"Please, Lord, make it (the pain) stop. Please."
1 stars

When a movie studio decides not to hold press screenings for an upcoming release, it’s a sure sign that they have zero confidence in that particular. In the case of "Meet the Spartans," an excruciatingly unfunny spoof of "300" and just about every mega-hit released in the last year, 20th-Century Fox, they made the right call. Co-written and co-directed by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the non-geniuses behind "Epic Movie" and "Date Movie," scattershot spoofs decidedly aimed at a teen and pre-teen demographic, "Meet the Spartans" is just as lame, just as awful, and just as execrable as its predecessors, but that won’t stop Friedberg, Seltzer, or anyone else at 20th-Century Fox from releasing another sub-par effort this time next year. We’ll be all the poorer for it.

Structurally, Meet the Spartans “borrows” almost every plot element from 300, opening with a voiceover narration that describes the Spartans selection of warriors. Sickly or otherwise unhealthy infants are discarded in a garbage heap. Cue first “joke,” a Scottish-accented, wisecracking Shrek baby. One gratuitous vomit shot later, which promptly leads to the death of the Shrek baby, a village elder inspects an infant born with six-pack abs, toned muscles and a beard. Hilarious so far, isn’t it? Flash forward to an adult Leonidas (Sean Maguire), participating in several manhood rituals, beginning with a torture scene straight out of Casino Royale and segueing into Leonidas confronting a six-foot tall, talking, dancing, penguin with an urban (read: stereotypically African-American) accent in a lonely forest. A non-hilarious fight scene later and Leonidas returns triumphantly to Sparta, where he’s crowned king and meets his future wife and queen, Margo (Carmen Electra, in slutty mode, as usual).

Flash forward again, as Leonidas confronts a Persian messenger (Phil Morris) sent by the god-king, Xerxes (Ken Davitian). With his Captain (Kevin Sorbo) on hand, the temperamental Leonidas refuses the messenger’s demands and promptly kicks him into the “Pit of Death.” In short order, Leonidas kicks the messenger’s guards into the Pit of Death, Britney Spears (yes, you read that correctly), the judges and host from American Idol, and last season’s surprise contender, Sanjay. With war on the horizon, Leonidas takes 12 of his best warriors, plus the woefully out-of-shape Dilio (Jareb Dauplaise), to defend the “Hot Gates” from the Persian army. At home, Margo tries to obtain back up for Leonidas, but a Spartan politician, the cleverly named Traitoro (Diedrich Bader), stands in her way.

No joke is too stale, too lame, or too offensive for Friedberg and Seltzer. Friedberg and Seltzer seem to have studied at the Saturday Night Live school of comedy: repeat a joke endlessly until it becomes funny. When that doesn’t work (i.e., often), Friedberg and Seltzer jam in as many illogical pop culture references as possible. When they’re not parodying recognizable hits or semi-hits from the last year or two (e.g., Shrek, Happy Feet, Stomp the Yard, Spider-Man 3, Ghost Rider, Rocky Balboa, Transformers), they’re spoofing American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, Deal or No Deal. And when that’s not enough (i.e., often), Friedberg and Seltzer take mean-spirited potshots at Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan or namecheck Ain’t It Cool News or YouTube (specifically Chris Crocker’s histrionic video defending Britney Spears).

There is a plus side in all this, though (seriously). While the running time is listed as 84 minutes, "Meet the Spartans" barely clocks in at over an hour (minus credits) and as awful as "Meet the Spartans" is, Friedberg and Seltzer manage to squeeze in one or two serviceable jokes or gags, which they then proceed to repeat ad nauseum. Friedberg and Seltzer take the unoriginal “Spartans as closet gays” idea and take it as far as they can. The Spartan greet each other with kisses, prefer each other’s company, skip to their battle scene and, of course, do battle against the Persians in energetic dancing competitions that includes breakdancing. Friedberg and Seltzer aren’t exactly progressive when it comes to gays in "Meet the Spartans," but at least they’re finally parodying an element in "300" that deserves spoofing. And that, unfortunately, is all the good that can be said about "Meet the Spartans."

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=16843&reviewer=402
originally posted: 01/31/08 03:44:35
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User Comments

12/21/15 dfd Nothing clever 1 stars
11/09/11 matthew thompson dalldorf Chris: He did 'May' as well! Anyway, fuck this movie. Fuck it hard. 1 stars
8/15/11 chris Oh god Ken Davitan should of known better, he did Borat for god's sakes. 1 stars
9/22/10 bored mom Maybe it's watchable if you're really drunk, but you'd still feel your IQ draining away. 1 stars
6/20/09 George (DUKE) I wonder if any of these actors will ever work again...a few laffs very few 2 stars
6/10/09 CTT Racist, homophobic, stupid, and offensively pathetic 1 stars
3/15/09 Josie Cotton is a goddess You could write an entire book titled, 'Why Meet The Spartans doesn't work' 2 stars
1/15/09 X THIS. ISN'T. FUNNY!!! (kicks TV over) 1 stars
1/14/09 FrankNFurter This movie actually made me get dysentery. I don't think that's a good sign... 1 stars
1/09/09 Shawn The start was funny, and then the sh*tfest began. WORST...MOVIE...EVER 1 stars
12/29/08 blarginbadigalnohif Anyone who likes this piece of shit should literally FUCK THEIR OWN FACE! 1 stars
9/17/08 PAUL SHORTT WITLESSLY CRUDE AND VULGAR 1 stars
8/29/08 David More of a home video made by some juvenile kids than an actual movie. 1 stars
8/27/08 teenager please, movie reviewers, stop blaming teenagers for this shit, it makes us look bad 1 stars
7/19/08 John Millheim Corny movie, some parts were funny 3 stars
7/08/08 Totir Alexandru Very funny. I laughed a lot watching it :D 4 stars
6/12/08 Wolfrider Pretty crappy but with SOME mildly funny -- how did they talk Sorbo into this 2 stars
5/09/08 fuck this movie THIS MOVIE WAS A PIECE OF SHIT! 1 stars
4/25/08 The Velcro Warlock Yes, Cheryl, Carmen Electra's a dizzyingly underrated actress, but this logjam is hit&miss. 3 stars
4/13/08 jake it was awsome, but not as good as epic movie or the scary movie series 4 stars
4/12/08 Cheryl Mayfield Pretty Crappy, but hearing Carmen Electra talk about her urine sample was worth it. 2 stars
3/27/08 SamanthaPayntr this was like a REALLY LONG MadTV skit, 2 stars
3/20/08 Joris I can't believe i wasted an hour watching this crap. 1 stars
3/18/08 mike Worst film ever made!! dont waste your time or money. 1 stars
3/16/08 Zachary Very meh, not nearly as good as the Scary Movies. 2 stars
3/14/08 Anthony Feor Probably the worst movie ever made. 1 stars
3/06/08 jimmy someone have these people assasinated, along with those who found this entertaining 1 stars
3/02/08 Rupert Wow! I downloaded this shite and still feel ripped off! Writers - Go kill yourselves! 1 stars
2/14/08 drewl If you're thinking of watching this, do yourself a favor, and take a nap 1 stars
2/13/08 Clark Yep, this movie did suck so much, cheap peice of shit. 1 stars
2/12/08 elisa perkins It wasn't too horrible for a bad movie. 3 stars
2/08/08 Preston Poker I'm 32 years old and for the 1st time walked out on a movie. Spartans sucked this hard! 1 stars
2/02/08 Aaron fucken awesom so fucken funny 5 stars
2/02/08 Andy No more movies from Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg 1 stars
2/01/08 Ron20003 Donkey dick sucking can be dangerous. Best to stay away from this crap. 1 stars
2/01/08 Drew Couple of chuckles, but thats it. 1 stars
1/31/08 kl. this movie sucks my dick like a donkey 1 stars
1/31/08 dave F*ck you haters you have no humor at all 5 stars
1/30/08 Donald D There's always a handfull of MORONS who rate CRAP like this highly... 1 stars
1/29/08 Seen it, loved it! You guys are getting paid to slam it! This is a great movie and starts rlly funny! 4 stars
1/29/08 Rhysesmum 5 year old writters were the only ones NOT on strike at the time, mebe. 5 stars
1/29/08 Total Crap i predict this is the worst movie of '08 and it's only January. Thank god I didn't pay. 1 stars
1/29/08 Ronald Goosingthumb would have been 5 stars if they didn't skimp so much in the fart joke dept. 4 stars
1/28/08 Winky Stinkfinger thiz movie wuz aweeesome! 2 funny for u haters i guess! i kinda liked epic movie more tho.. 5 stars
1/28/08 haha i saw this with my dad it was the worstt movie in history nothing was funny at all not even stupid funny 1 stars
1/28/08 bill listen carefully if you enjoyed this movie you are a m-o-r-o-n,really your i.q. must be >50 1 stars
1/28/08 Navid Is the male on male kissing hot, at least? I'll never watch it, but I'm curious. 1 stars
1/28/08 Ben Fredette I wish I was never born... no further comments. 1 stars
1/28/08 Jimmy John After thinking about it, I'm going back to the theater to demand my money back...that bad!! 1 stars
1/27/08 Naurto Britney and Antonio's parents should have aborted them. 1 stars
1/27/08 m you say teens will go see this movie? stop underestimating us NOONE i know wants to see it! 1 stars
1/27/08 Steve They make these movies because they know dumbfucks will watch them. 1 stars
1/27/08 brent reitz Why dont the producers understand WE DONT THINK ITS FUNNY!!!! 1 stars
1/27/08 Richard I want my 65 minutes back! Worst movie in history. 1 stars
1/27/08 Daniel Extremly dissappointed. Cant believe wasted my money. 1 stars
1/27/08 Raven Not the best, not the worst, decently funny, yet commercials are not in the movie. 3 stars
1/26/08 Jeffrey Gardner Anybody seen Kentucky Fried Movie? 1 stars
1/26/08 Daniel I Am Legend was funnier then this shit 1 stars
1/26/08 Absolute crap. Someone forgot to hire writers. 1 stars
1/26/08 Raven A complete waste of time. Not funny! 1 stars
1/26/08 John The only ones laughing are the makers of this trash…all the way 2 the bank. 1 stars
1/26/08 Britney Extremely funny, i was laughing so loud i wet my pants. 5 stars
1/26/08 Dude who saw Meet the Spartans Wow this movie is sooooo garbage.The funniest parts aren't even that funny... 1 stars
1/26/08 Brooke wow deffinetly the worst movie ive seen..i left shortly into it lol 1 stars
1/26/08 Orwells Language Essay The writing is fine. Grow up, Joseph 1 stars
1/26/08 The first movie I walked out on. I couldn't even last twenty minutes before walking out. apparently half the movie! 1 stars
1/26/08 Dana Awful, unfunny, not good. Sad. Would have had more satisfaction throwing money in trash 1 stars
1/26/08 Antonio F*ck the haters; this movie rocked 5 stars
1/26/08 Jade Movie? That was supposed to be a movie..? puke' 1 stars
1/25/08 McKEnzie THIS WAS SO GAY!!! WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY! 1 stars
1/25/08 joseph I agree Spartans sucks, but this guys a terrible critic. Try reading Orwells language essay 1 stars
1/25/08 L The worst movie ever! 1 stars
1/25/08 Brian's Mom Viva la Brian! 1 stars
1/25/08 Jcat Looks like the Proactiv generation will make this crap hole #1 this weekend. 1 stars
1/25/08 matt 1 star is being generous to this movie. 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  25-Jan-2008 (PG-13)
  DVD: 03-Jun-2008

UK
  N/A

Australia
  28-Feb-2008




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