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Overall Rating

Awesome: 1.68%
Worth A Look: 5.04%
Just Average: 17.65%
Pretty Crappy: 17.65%

10 reviews, 59 user ratings

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Astronaut's Wife, The
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by Slyder

"Best Viewed If You Suffer From Brain Damage"
1 stars

I didn't want to see this film; I really didn't want to since I had heard about this movie’s reputation, but ultimately I gave in and found myself watching it thanks to my dad’s love for sci-fi. When it was all over, I wished that I had never watched it in the first place, since I just felt dumber and stupider of having watched it. Not to mention that I felt insulted of my intelligence as I wondered aloud about the last time I saw a sci-fi movie as bad as this one (Battlefield Earth may ring a bell)?

Spencer Armacost (Johnny Depp) is the Astronaut of the movie, and he’s gone up to space in the shuttle to fix a satellite but then something goes awry; Spencer screams and then there’s silence for 2 minutes. Then he returns to his beloved wife Jillian (Charlize Theron), and then during a party, one of the astronauts that went with him has his head exploded, and then his impregnated wife commits suicide. So what happens? Spence quits NASA and starts working on a jet project, and then out of pity for Jillian’s depression and her desire to have kids, Spence fucks her and of course, ends up pregnant. But then Julian notices something strange on him, since he always has the radio beside him tuned in static, and then a former NASA guy (Joe Morton) tells her the real deal of what happened to her husband in space, with a few “surprises.”

First of all, this film is dull from the start. Writer/director Rand Ravich deserves to be fucking mutilated by giving us basically a blatant Rosemary’s Baby rip-off, complete with the Farrow-esque hairpiece on Charlize Theron’s head, and with a different and altogether lamer spin into it. What the fuck were these studio executives thinking? How could they invert so much money on a first timer who has a shitty script and no ability to direct? I mean, the film is shot in flashy overtones and a lot of gloss in terms of photography and editing, but contains absolutely no substance to back it up. The script is completely dull and lifeless with no development whatsoever, and Ravich rather throws these flashy visuals in order to chug the movie along. You can add “Oliver Stone rip-off” to your list of clichés after that one; all the time I just was shaking my head at the atrocity of it all. If they’re trying to show the paranoia of Jillian’s fate, well they did a damn well job, except that it doesn’t show Jillian’s paranoia, but rather the audience’s paranoia that screamed: “SOMEBODY TURN THIS FUCKING MOVIE OFF SINCE IT’S FUCKING ANNOYING!!!” type of paranoia.

By the second half of the movie things were getting laughably predictable, as the shitty scene where Jillian tries to abort but doesn’t since she doesn’t have the courage to do so, even though she knows what the hell will happen if she doesn’t. What Spencer does next when he finds out is actually more laughable; I mean, he sure shows to be a good alien father by throwing the woman that bears his kids down the stairs. And then it gets lamer, with the downright awful anti-climatic ending which ultimately insults the audience intelligence to the maximum. Not only is it an absurd ending, but its completely without credibility, and with a couple of FX shots out there just to once again remind you of the film’s utter pretentiousness and lack of depth. I just wanted to smash the fucking TV after that very moment, and it made me want to go to Rand Ravich’s house and beat the living shit out of him for wasting two hours of my life. This is a clear lesson for all those idiots who think that after writing a couple of scripts (all of them mediocre) feel they can actually direct a movie. It would’ve been better for Rand to go and actually perfect his writing skills but no, he rather waste our time and rip us off with this half-baked, half-assed piece of junk. Welcome to screenwriter Hell, Rand.

Everybody was terrible in the film, Johnny, you sorely disappointed me; next time read the fucking script before signing it. Don’t sign it due to the usual emotion of getting a lead role since emotions ultimately can end up fucking you up. Charlize, better start looking for better roles, if not, then try the porno industry, they could use a “talent” like you. Writer/Director Rand Ravich, GET THE FUCK BACK TO THAT SHITHOLE WHERE YOU CAME FROM! Learn to write before you actually think of directing, damn it.

In the end, avoid this film at all costs. It will insult your intelligence, rip you off and piss you off. For your own good avoid this shit-pile unless you’re either a fan of bad films or you’re a brain-dead retarded asshole that doesn’t know the difference between what’s horribly bad and what’s actually good. 0.5-5

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=1711&reviewer=235
originally posted: 08/16/01 10:34:37
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User Comments

9/12/17 morris campbell ok ending creepy tho 2 stars
3/04/11 Edge Zole Suspenseful and creepy, but without Johnny Depp and young Sprouses, it would be nothing. 3 stars
1/17/10 babette Theron dances barefoot ON TIPTOE...only in Hollowood. 1 stars
2/15/09 Samantha Pruitt at least Johnny was hot in it! 2 stars
7/27/08 The Dork Knight Depp is definitely slumming it 1 stars
1/09/08 Billy Banana It passes a few hours comfortably, but I probably won't watch it again. 3 stars
1/04/08 Pamela White suspenseful and interesting 4 stars
10/24/07 Ivana Mann The modern-day "Plan 9 from Outer Space"...but less funny.Much less. 1 stars
10/02/06 Kris Mleczko Utterly boring and pointless. It stole thirty minutes of my life. 1 stars
5/25/06 Michele johnny is always entertaining 4 stars
5/06/06 dionwr Haven't seen it 3 stars
5/04/06 Uri Lessing Didn't see 3 stars
5/02/06 PaulBryant haven't caught it yet 3 stars
5/02/06 Ryan_A Rand Ravich? (haven't seen it) 3 stars
5/01/06 EricDSnider It's been a while, but I think I liked this movie 4 stars
5/01/06 David Cornelius ----- 3 stars
5/01/06 William Goss A loathesome flick. 1 stars
5/01/06 HBS-SH I'm all outta bubble gum! 1 stars
4/12/06 anthonyuk utter predictable garbage 1 stars
2/13/06 Anthony Feor A waste of space 1 stars
12/18/05 Bree I think I only love this film cuz of Depp and Theron. In the vein of Rosemary's Baby. 5 stars
8/17/05 ES hey its that blonde chick from that movie! 1 stars
4/26/04 blazin beauty bad but johnny's took care of it! 4 stars
4/19/04 X just terrible 1 stars
3/09/04 Ash Powerful, outstanding, suspenseful and riveting! 5 stars
2/08/04 Whatevr Not even the MST3000 crew would watch this. 1 stars
1/21/04 American Slasher Goddess Godawful crap. 1 stars
7/27/03 Nicole Without a doubt, the worst movie Johnny Depp has ever made! 2 stars
6/08/03 Pepper Jones Charlize Theron could be a block of concrete for all I know 3 stars
5/11/03 Jack Bourbon Like the 1st draft of a project that was scrapped due to the poorness of the 1st draft. 1 stars
12/31/02 Jack Sommersby Makes "Species 2" look like "Alien". 1 stars
10/15/02 Charles Tatum Ground control to major bomb 2 stars
8/14/02 Michael Carruthers Totally unclimactic, but suspenseful and entertaining enough for me most of the time. 3 stars
7/26/02 I Can't Swim Nice to see Samantha Eggar, aside from that this eats dogshit 1 stars
6/24/02 in space, no one can hear you scream Depp fucks like a jackrabbit on angel dust and, well, blah.Go see Rosemary's Baby instead. 2 stars
5/26/02 Nicole Awful movie.....ends up like some cheesy horror flick. 2 stars
3/09/02 Pepper Jones Charlize Theron could be a block of concrete for all I know 3 stars
2/16/02 Mark Lloyd Three words: Glacial Ambiguous (or perhaps Anemic?) Plot. 1 stars
1/30/02 Joy St. John Burns I liked it.The movie had alot of really good angles, but the ending could of been better. 4 stars
1/12/02 Andrew Carden Not Too Bad Actually. It Had A Fairly Nice Premise. 3 stars
6/27/01 This movie sucks don't waste your money It thoroughly insulted my intelligence, and I'm a hick from Kansas 1 stars
6/12/01 blap The script is terrible, predictable — and the movie goes downhill from there 1 stars
6/12/01 *~Danielle*Ophelia~* (formerly KyLe*BrOfLoVsKi) The best thing about this movie was the popcorn fight my friends started in the theater. 1 stars
6/02/01 Thrillhouse vapid, schlocky, worse than Supernova. I feel sorry for Depp in a bad movie like this. 1 stars
4/19/01 Melissa Ramos Bad, bad, bad movie - into the bowels of hell you go. 1 stars
2/22/01 trashstar i really enjoyed the start. The ending was incredibly cliched and predictable. No depth. 3 stars
8/17/00 Elvisfan Started off too slow,then the delivery was stupid. Rare career mistake for Depp. 2 stars
7/23/00 Tyler Peterson If you have this movie throw it in a fire as quickly as you can. 1 stars
2/28/00 fire-n-ice slow boring could have been better!!!!! 3 stars
2/26/00 Dana Scully *zzzzzzzzzzzzzz* Huh what? It's over? Great. 2 stars
11/10/99 bruno martin not so bad 3 stars
10/19/99 Lame-Oh haha, a crappy movie 1 stars
10/03/99 Suckit Hopeless. 1 stars
10/01/99 Nelle It wasn't a BAD movie, the ending screwed everything up. Johnny Depp makes up for a lot. 4 stars
9/19/99 Admiral Crunch Worse than Species and Virus. I've seen better on The X-Files. 1 stars
9/12/99 Mr Showbiz Houston, we have a problem. It's an utterly predictable rip-off. 1 stars
9/08/99 azzad could have been good, the ending was a letdown 3 stars
9/04/99 agustin rosemary's baby + species = a badly done movie 2 stars
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  27-Aug-1999 (R)



Directed by
  Rand Ravich

Written by
  Rand Ravich

  Johnny Depp
  Charlize Theron
  Joe Morton
  Tom Noonan
  Blair Brown
  Nick Cassavetes
  Clea DuVall

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