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Overall Rating

Awesome: 17.76%
Worth A Look: 15.89%
Just Average: 3.74%
Pretty Crappy: 22.43%

5 reviews, 77 user ratings

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Twilight (2008)
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by Eugene Novikov

"For the screaming fans."
2 stars

I'll begin by saying that I am probably unqualified to evaluate TWILIGHT's merits as a teen soap opera. Judging by the amount of noise generated by the mostly teenaged, female crowd at my screening, it appears to fill that niche quite well. In that sense, the movie is truly critic-proof: the girls will squeal over the hot vampires, and that'll be that. I have no desire to begrudge them their fun. This review is not for them.

I write, rather, for the uninitiated who held out hope that Twilight might be a creepy horror film, an elegant supernatural love story, or an interesting new take on vampire mythology. I report that the movie is a teen soap opera at the expense of these things. Generally, one is supposed to review the movie that has been made rather than the movie one wishes had been made, but since there's no point in reviewing the movie that has been made, I may as well try it the other way.

Let's start with what happens to these vampires when they're exposed to sunlight. A little while after Bella (Kristen Stewart) confesses her love to exceptionally handsome 108-year old (but perpetually 17) vampire Edward Cullen (Harry Potter's Robert Pattinson), Edward takes her to a cloud break at the top of a mountain. With a fierce glint in his eye, he growls (I'm paraphrasing), "let me show you what you've fallen in love with," and steps into the sun. Does his skin start burning? Does he scream in pain? No, no. He glitters. His skin sparkles. "It's beautiful," swoons Annabelle. These aren't vampires. These are fairies.

The point is not that the vampires aren't vicious enough, or dark enough. The point is that they're difficult to take seriously. Creatures of the night? Try creatures of Gap commercials. They wear designer clothes and live in an ultramodern mansion. For fun, they take to the fields for a rousing game of baseball. (I'll note that setting said game to Muse's "Supermassive Black Hole" was an inspired choice.) When the movie tries to show off their superhuman powers, it often turns downright goofy: when Edward sped off, carrying Bella piggyback, I was surreally reminded of a scene in Rob Schneider's The Animal.

From where I sit, Twilight offers two things of interest. First is its trio of villainous vampires, led by an appropriately intimidating Cam Gigandet; they like to lurk in the shadows and emerge in slow motion from swirling fog, which is at least good for a moody shot or two. Of course, the film introduces them and then promptly forgets all about them until it comes time for an action climax, the better to focus on Robert Pattinson's non-stop brooding. Second is the nature of the leads' budding romance. Edward loves Bella in two senses of the word, you see -- he cares for her, and also thinks she's delicious. Thus the central tragedy: "I can never lose control with you," he warns. There's a layer of allegory to this, and it's dramatically compelling; I liked it.

Directed by Catherine Hardwicke (Thirteen, Lords of Dogtown), the movie actually isn't as much of a stylistic bust as I had feared. Her slowly swooping, tilting camerawork makes for some slick sequences, accentuating the predictably dank, cloudy color palette. But the film alternates awkwardly between these heavily stylized scenes and stretches of barely workmanlike point-and-shoot blandness. It's not exactly a model of elegance.

I'd like to see an alternate-universe version of Twilight: one that's more sinister, one that treats the creepy human-vampire romance as something more than a means for making teenage girls melt. I realize that was never the plan for this movie. That's fine. But here's the thing. This movie kind of sucks.

(Reprinted from Filmblather.com)

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=17385&reviewer=419
originally posted: 11/21/08 02:14:41
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User Comments

9/14/17 morris campbell teeny bopper crap 1 stars
1/27/16 Taylor Love this film! 5 stars
2/14/15 jason gracio this movie for girl, children, retarded people and geek like harry fucking potter movies 1 stars
11/13/14 Thomas Could you transfer $1000 from my current account to my deposit account? <a href=" htt 2 stars
11/10/14 Derek What's the last date I can post this to to arrive in time for Christmas? <a href=" h 5 stars
11/09/14 Charlie Could you transfer $1000 from my current account to my deposit account? <a href=" htt 5 stars
11/09/14 Amia What's the last date I can post this to to arrive in time for Christmas? <a href=" h 4 stars
10/23/14 Charlotte Cool site goodluck :) <a href=" ">how much does bimatoprost cost</a> The new Explore feat 5 stars
3/22/12 maxomai somewhere between paint drying and "wtf am I watching." 1 stars
10/13/11 ashley rexrode love this movie 5 stars
4/29/11 art I EAT MY WORD"S from last year,THIS IS AN EXCELLENT FABLE! 5 stars
2/22/11 Joey Something of a small masterpiece in the romance novel genre. 5 stars
12/13/10 sandra dee a awesome movie based on a great book with a wonderful romance. 5 stars
11/28/10 hunt a cool vampire romance flick with cool action and making out. 4 stars
11/28/10 car a epic gothic romance with cool effects and a decent story 4 stars
11/11/10 Lundon how anyone can enjoy this movie i'll never know very slow not a whole lot happens 1 stars
9/04/10 anjana twilight is a good teenage love story.i love edward 5 stars
6/17/10 art PLAY"S better as a DIME NOVEL,rathr than a NIGHTMARE movie! 1 stars
5/26/10 Daniel Well directed considering the material. Beautifully shot in a Goth way. 4 stars
3/16/10 LP Quagmire Gas-passing vampires are no fun. 1 stars
2/10/10 amanunsa cool man 5 stars
1/20/10 Stanley Thai A timeless romance with vampires. The performances are great! 4 stars
12/27/09 jcanthony The reviewer's right-rent Buffy. There's nothing original here. 1 stars
12/20/09 amy Pretty good. It was better than I had expected. Judge for yourself. 4 stars
12/15/09 TheGreatMillz33 All I can say is that Twilight as a whole is a great dissapointment. 1 stars
12/13/09 Sakes Twilight rocks. Edward is deliciously good and amazing with his emotions. Great deep movie 5 stars
12/10/09 Lucas Twilight is complete garbage. You want a REAL vampire book? Go read something of Ann Rice's 1 stars
11/28/09 nora wazwaz WHO EVER HATES TWILIGHT IS A NUB!! I LOVE THE MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 5 stars
11/26/09 art OVERRATED JUNK! 1 stars
11/23/09 Albert Valentin It is a pretty good movie with dark tones and a tragic romance 4 stars
11/21/09 FrankNFurter Kristen Stewart is the worst actress.Ever.Makes a corpse look too enthusiastic. 1 stars
11/19/09 ronald Holst great If you are very young and love Vampires 3 stars
11/18/09 Stewie Mills and Boon for Generation 'Y' 1 stars
11/16/09 millersxing twits 3 stars
10/18/09 auzzie chickie the book? Awesome. The movie? Awful! To save from let down watch the movie first. 1 stars
10/14/09 art THIS IS FOR LITTLE KID"S! 1 stars
9/06/09 art PURE COMIC-BOOK DRIEVEL! 1 stars
9/05/09 CTT If CW ever made a vampire story... 2 stars
7/26/09 Arsenic More boring than watching paint dry. I gave up halfway and snuck into a different movie 1 stars
6/17/09 jurisprudence terrible 1 stars
6/02/09 Matt This making 200 fucking mil is everything that's wrong with America. i havent even seen it 1 stars
5/31/09 art "YEAH I REALLY DUG THIS YARN" 1 stars
5/28/09 Bobby the Critic hehehe...bob 2 stars
5/01/09 kali super 5 stars
4/13/09 Dion Stewart has charisma on screen. DIrector got the tone of the movie right to the book. 4 stars
3/30/09 Dani O. Mah naemz Bella n I preeeeetty n I mov 2 small town n make out w/ sparklee vamp-boy. *puke* 1 stars
3/28/09 Eric Stewart & Pattinson pretty good, but overall the movie didn't live up to the hype. 3 stars
3/26/09 Amy Boring. Stupid fake makeup. Bad special effects. Why are all the boys wearing lipstick? 2 stars
3/22/09 eidy V Not what I was expecting never have read the book, but nice flick for a date. nice overall. 4 stars
2/04/09 Rio Twilight is film's answer to the Jonas Brothers. Sucks, but sells with stupid fangirls. 1 stars
2/01/09 Ashley It was suckish.The book was WAYYYYYYYY better 1 stars
1/08/09 Samiijo German the best movie i ever seen ! honestly the book was better, but i still love the movie. :} 5 stars
1/04/09 Koko I have never read the books. After seeing the movie, I really don't want to. 1 stars
12/18/08 Morgan hopelessly dissapointing. no chemistry. krud acting. 2 stars
12/15/08 Cesceli This Movie Is the best Movie i have ever seen in yeqars.I lOve how you write your books, it 5 stars
12/04/08 Joan Lunden What a waste of money. I could have spent it on a new black dildo. 1 stars
11/28/08 Rebekah I absolutely loved it! 5 stars
11/28/08 Kat You're all nuts. Best comedy I've seen all year. 5 stars
11/27/08 littlered this movie rocks. everyone should see it! 5 stars
11/27/08 Rachel Rigodon Don't do it! Stay away! 2 stars
11/26/08 Jonathan Why watch "Twilight" when we've got "True Blood" on HBO? 2 stars
11/23/08 Nicole your review is so accurate it's scary 1 stars
11/23/08 Obi Wan What kinda vampire movie has vamps with no fangs?! 2 stars
11/22/08 AJ Muller Not completely horrible but nowhere near GOOD; can't deny any faults mentioned either. 2 stars
11/21/08 Hailey Incredible review. I feel enlightened. 1 stars
11/21/08 Lauren Hilarious review. This is pretty much everything I've hated about the series, put on screen 1 stars
11/21/08 Raul Valdez Jr This movie is for the book fans not really for those who are horror fans. 4 stars
11/21/08 Evan Wow that review rocked. Let The Right One in is way superior. Great book and movie. 1 stars
11/21/08 Andy I'm really not that surprised. Poorly written book, poorly constructed movie. 1 stars
11/21/08 Kate A lot of the problems you had with the movie are problems that are found in the book. 1 stars
11/21/08 Maria From your review alone, it sounds insanely faithful to its source material. 2 stars
11/21/08 jes A big disappointment 2 stars
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  21-Nov-2008 (PG-13)
  DVD: 21-Mar-2009



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