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Overall Rating
2.37

Awesome: 4%
Worth A Look: 20%
Just Average: 17.33%
Pretty Crappy: 26.67%
Sucks32%

6 reviews, 39 user ratings


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X-Men Origins: Wolverine
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by David Cornelius

"Ain't worth it, bub."
2 stars

I really don’t give two craps about whether or not they changed a comic book character’s backstory for the movie. It will never matter whether or not a supervillain says something in a film that’s different than what he always says in the comics. And when fanboys scream “They changed Deadpool!” and say that’s why “Wolverine” isn’t a good movie, why, that’s the dumbest damn thing a grown person can say. Especially since there are twenty other reasons why “Wolverine” isn’t a good movie.

My point is this: fanboys are ruining movies. Without fanboys, Twentieth Century Fox wouldn’t have felt it necessary to rush “X-Men 3” into production (and we all know how that turned out). Without fanboys, Fox wouldn’t have felt it necessary to milk the franchise even further with the utterly useless (and ridiculously titled) prequel “X-Men Origins: Wolverine.” Without fanboys, anyone saying “OMG THEY CHANGED DEADPOOL! IT IS TEH SUCK!! WORST MOVIE EVERZ!!1!” would be laughed out of the room.

Instead, the “TEH SUCK” crowd is being courted with embarrassing frenzy. And that’s what makes a movie like “Wolverine,” featuring a story which, if I were to encounter it completely blind to the franchise, I would assume was about a man who had action stunt money shots thrust upon him apparently at random. It does not tell a story. It tells a sequence of trailer-ready stunts.

Oh, the trailer. It is everything, for it will lure in the fanboy, and all his disposable income, right on opening weekend, before the bad word of mouth can spread, but who cares about the second week? “Wolverine” is a movie made for its trailer, and nothing else. Entire scenes go by where actors are required to deliver no real dialogue, just trailer-ready quotables. The entire movie is 107 minutes of actors posturing for the TV spot. But who cares, because, ooooh, it’s awesome when Wolverine jumps onto that helicopter!

OK, actually, yeah, it is kinda cool when Wolverine jumps onto that helicopter. Or, at least, it would’ve been, had the rest of the movie not been a tiresome slog through action flick cliché; by that point, we’re checking our watches. It’s a good stunt wasted on a bad movie.

And Hugh Jackman is a good actor wasted on a bad character. That is, when he first started playing Wolverine nearly a decade ago, the material, while familiar, was fresh, and the character was a highlight of a solid action flick; the sequel improved both the story and the character, and Jackman showed why he deserves to be a star. But for this fourth go ’round, Wolverine as a hero has been watered down. He’s given more to do, but he’s far less interesting, while his origin - the whole point of this new spin-off series - is a major bore.

Maybe that’s because of the carelessness of the screenplay, which keeps reminding us of Wolverine’s Canadian-ness while simultaneously shoehorning him into the American military (seemingly unkillable and never aging, he spent the last 170 years or so fighting for the Yanks in all the big wars, even the American Civil War - although he skipped out on the Spanish-American War and the Korean War, maybe because those didn’t provide enough famous movie images for director Gavin Hood to rip off for his opening credits montage), and which relies too much on worn-out plot points (face it: Wolverine’s tragedies here are old hat, and nothing in the movie adds the freshness these stale ideas need), and which keeps dumping in unnecessary characters (like a teenage Cyclops, or the goofy card-throwing Cajun mutant Gambit, or a CG-youthened Patrick Stewart as Professor Xavier) just so the fans can thrill to the site of more comic book heroes, never mind if they actually fit into the story. (Seriously: there’s no reason for Cyclops to be here, and removing him wouldn’t affect the story at all, so why include him? Ah, yes. The fanboy.)

There are a few good moments, but then, there’d have to be with a solid cast that also includes Liev Schreiber, Dominic Monaghan, and Ryan Reynolds. But the latter two are given throwaway roles that fail to amount to anything (even if one of them turns up for the big climax), while Schreiber, as Wolverine’s equally immortal brother/rival, is stuck making the best out of what’s ultimately a generic villain role.

It’s been argued that “Wolverine” couldn’t work because, as a prequel, the outcome is already known to the audience. But that hasn’t stopped other movies from being good. The problem here is that everything that happens seems to play out as if following a checklist - OK, we show him as a kid, then we show him falling in love, then we show this stunt, then they say this cool line, then he scowls like this, then we meet this character, then we get to the secret mutant lab, then we set things up to circle back to the first movie, and make sure we include all the pre-packaged stuff from the comic books - and there’s no life to any of it. It’s Paint by Numbers: The Movie.

But man, that trailer. All those cool lines and awesome stunts? The fanboys’ll love it enough. Yup. What comes out next week?

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=17549&reviewer=392
originally posted: 05/04/09 13:46:37
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User Comments

9/02/14 Jeff pure shit 1 stars
3/07/11 The GLC interesting story line with female co-star, great cinematography, lots of unexpected. 5 stars
6/27/10 Charles Tatum By-the-numbers; did anyone really need this to be made? 3 stars
2/27/10 daveyt you know what you're going to get, I enjoyed it... so there! 4 stars
10/13/09 Nick So shitty it was probably written by crayon. 1 stars
9/27/09 Drake Samson has nothing to do with wolvies actual story,horrid script,terrible raping of characters 1 stars
9/24/09 george webster simply put,Pure Disappointment! 2 stars
6/28/09 damalc perfect example of more being less. underwhelming. 2 stars
6/07/09 mr.mike Good but does not demand to be seen on the big screen. 4 stars
6/01/09 Pokejedservo Not the best X-Men movie but it surprisingly wasn't that bad to me at all. 4 stars
5/21/09 Rouge THE MOVIE WAS THE BEST NOT ONLY THAT BUT ALL OF THE X-MEN MOVIES WERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 5 stars
5/20/09 Vindicator No James & Heather Hudson. No Alpha Flight. Adapted not with a scalple, but a chainsaw. 1 stars
5/15/09 james obrien why did this come off so bad 2 stars
5/12/09 Ming I enjoy watching this film...lots of great actions 4 stars
5/08/09 duffy Terrible movie is there actually a person stupid enough to enjoy this film? 1 stars
5/08/09 shawn terrible script a complete let down for hardcore x-men fans. Sabertoota and Logan bros WTF? 1 stars
5/08/09 Bud Too many cameos cluttered it, but honestly was about what I expected for my money. 3 stars
5/07/09 David Terrible script, effects, and campy direction. Seriously almost no redeeming qualities. 1 stars
5/06/09 gc Lots if cool actions scenes with no depth to any character and no plot at all. 2 stars
5/06/09 Ray The reviewer expressed thoughts better then I could have 2 stars
5/06/09 RadAd This reviewer has it spot on. Jimmy? Come on. 2 stars
5/05/09 Kroenen THIS MOVIE WAS THE MOST AWESOME MOVIE EVER, EVERYONE MUST SEE IT!!!1!!1!!!! 5 stars
5/05/09 ES Entertaining 4 stars
5/05/09 matt i changed my mind. no amount of action could have saved this disaster. the script kills it 1 stars
5/05/09 Bambi Didn't care what happened to any of the characters one way or the other. 2 stars
5/04/09 GutterBall Good God. How can you have The Merc With The Mouth...without a mouth?? WTF? 1 stars
5/04/09 French adamantium bullets?? When I saw that I threw up my arms and said "I'm done, bitches!" 2 stars
5/04/09 Nick Miletta Not good at all 1 stars
5/03/09 M Enjoy it for what it is an ACTION movie. 4 stars
5/03/09 belike What were they thinking? 1 stars
5/03/09 action movie fan experment gone wrong-wolvering is unstoppable-best x-men yet fun to watch 4 stars
5/03/09 caiphn Meh. Laughable at times with some neat action sequences. 3 stars
5/02/09 Dan Generally good acting, good action, some good lines- but no real plot. 3 stars
5/02/09 matt Horribly paced, written, acted, and just awkward. good action scenes though 3 stars
5/01/09 Raul Valdez Jr yes use your anger movie watches then your path to the darkside will be complete 4 stars
5/01/09 Darkstar They fucked up Deadpool!!! Fuck you Hugh Jackman!!!! 1 stars
5/01/09 Toni For what it was I liked it (Look it's not War & Peace and never was going to be) 4 stars
5/01/09 Dk Slightly better than average, largely thanks to Liev Schreiber and Jackman 3 stars
5/01/09 PAUL SHORTT A DECENT MIX OF ACTION SEQUENCES & EXPLORATION OF THE EMOTIONAL BATTLES OF THE MUTANT HERO 3 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  01-May-2009 (PG-13)
  DVD: 15-Sep-2009

UK
  N/A

Australia
  01-May-2009
  DVD: 15-Sep-2009




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