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Overall Rating
3.01

Awesome: 10.34%
Worth A Look43.68%
Just Average: 8.05%
Pretty Crappy: 12.64%
Sucks: 25.29%

14 reviews, 90 user ratings



U-571
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by Hawkboy

"USA! USA! USA! Britain?"
1 stars

It's interesting to think that this is a movie about a code-breaking device that actually existed. Unfortunately, it makes heroes out of the US Navy, when in actual fact it was the British who recovered the device and cracked the code. I hear that Jerry Bruckheimer is currently making a movie where Jesus is about to be crucified, and it's up to Kurt Russell to save him.

There was a huge grouse-up when it was revealed that "High Fidelity", a work of fiction written by a British fellow and set in England, was going to be filmed by Americans taking place in Chicago. I had absolutely no problem with the change, however; it's not a true story - it's not like locations matter. Some stories are universal, you see. But this...this is American filmmakers duping the American public into believing that it was the good ol' US of A who struck a huge blow to Nazi Germany by capturing a code-breaking device, so that Jimmy in Texas can walk out of the theatre chanting "USA! USA!". What are the Americans going to claim credit for next? The Trojan horse? ("Yeah, I think they used it in Korea.") Are they going to start telling folks that Winston Churchill was born in Delaware? I think my cousin down in Virginia told me that the printed word was invented by her neighbour Barry last week.

Huge lies aside, this is a pretty dopey movie all-around. It's like Crimson Tide, only with Jon Bon Jovi, no sense of humor, and loads of unintelligible dialogue. I'm serious; there's constant explosions, flooding, and that weird high-pitched noise that subs make in movies all the time, so that when someone says a crucial bit of dialogue, it sounds like:

"Barg arrrag tarlllll fix the pipe!"

Not that the dialogue matters all that much; it's mostly complicated stuff about depth charges that they never bother to explain (I think there was something in the credits about "If you didn't understand half the dialogue here, and it wasn't due to the loud noises, just rent 'Das Boot'. They'll explain everything".) The main points you have to remember are:

-Matthew McConaughey is your hero
-Germans are evil
-Every submarine is built exactly the same

That last point is a helpful thing to remember; because if you're ever wondering how a group of Americans can jump into a submarine that they've never been in before and immediately begin firing torpedoes and doing three-point turns and changing the pre-set stations on the sub radio, this can help you sleep better at night.

The Evil Nazi thing ties in well with the Matthew McConaughey thing, because Matthew and his craggy co-shipman Harvey Keitel are always on the verge of telling really interesting stories about their dad's fishing boat or a really exciting time in World War I when they weren't being mustard gassed, but are always interrupted by those damn Germans dropping bombs. Luckily, the Germans are horrible shots, so we don't have to worry about missing the end of that story about the fishing boat. Matthew and Harv are helped out by their plucky crew, including an Italian, a young spindly lad who's clearly doomed, and the Black guy, who gets the line that every Black or Jewish guy gets in a World War II movie;

"I'm Black/Jewish! I bet you didn't want to get captured by me, right? Because I'm Black/Jewish! And you Nazis hate Black/Jewish guys, right? Right?"

This movie's lame. Rent "Das Boot" or "Red October" or even "Crimson Tide" if you want a real sub movie. This is just cliche after cliche piled on top of a true-life story that didn't really happen. Well, at least not the way the American filmmakers want you to believe.

And at least "Das Boot" doesn't try to convince us that the Germans won the war, or that Hitler was from Manhattan.

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=1812&reviewer=27
originally posted: 04/22/00 01:30:41
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User Comments

8/15/12 Ding Dong Awesome actioner with good production values. Who cares about accuracy. 4 stars
9/30/08 Shaun Wallner I really enjoyed this film. 5 stars
6/17/07 al smith fucking shit it was the brits who got the enigma not the fucking yanks 1 stars
4/18/07 Stevo UK America did a lot in the war. But the way some directors on its as if no-one else fought... 3 stars
11/24/06 David Pollastrini great action 4 stars
9/07/06 Thomas Semesky Nothing really exciting here. 3 stars
6/11/06 Dave Webber Nice little drama - if you don't take it too serious 4 stars
1/08/06 Steven Lewis Lots of goofs, it still has a strong message and a power fictional story. Great film. 3 stars
6/09/05 JD Distorting history for this lame movie, they should be so proud. 1 stars
4/24/05 Quigley an awesome story with suspenseful action. I'll never enter a sub, and that's OK with me 5 stars
8/27/04 Aaron Smith best sub movie I've seen 4 stars
6/18/04 Denise Duspiva wanted more story 3 stars
5/22/04 Monster W. Kung I piss on this movie. 1 stars
5/21/04 Idiot's Mouth This reviewer seems to be saying he WANTS McCaunaghey to try a British accent. ? . ?. 1 stars
12/08/03 john I hate to agree with an antisemitic moron but this movie just badly ripps off DAS BOOT 1 stars
12/03/03 tom MAy not be historically accurate but good movie!! 4 stars
8/28/03 Ameray Coland This move is FALSE about ENIGMA History. Jewish David Ayer do NOT KNOW history !!! 1 stars
3/31/03 Jack Sommersby Predictable, but it works. 3 stars
3/20/03 May Q. Horney Decent Submarine movie, not as good as CRIMSON TIDE or K-19 THE WIDOWMAKER. 4 stars
2/25/03 y2mckay nothing special, but an enjoyable sub action flick. It ain't DAS BOOT, but what is? 4 stars
2/15/03 Angolmois Shamelessly rips off both history and other sub-movies. A bit better than a lobotomy. 1 stars
1/04/03 freewaygl great testerone flick for women who like men in action!~! Yah! 4 stars
12/02/02 R.W. Welch Good actioner though somewhat overblown and historically inaccurate 3 stars
10/26/02 Ollie Charles The best movie so far since Schindler's List 5 stars
7/25/02 Cizin IthoughtitwasCanadianswhocaputerdthesubbutwewereunderbritiansruleatthetimeright 4 stars
6/30/02 Fredrik One of the very best WWII-films ever!!! 5 stars
4/29/02 Monster W. Kung Sucks. 1 stars
4/23/02 Charles Tatum Clicheed but enjoyable. 4 stars
4/08/02 Plexo movie blew monkey nuts. Writers apear to have been retarded. 1 stars
3/31/02 Marcus Did anyone else fight in WW2? So much for the true heros of the Royal Navy & the truth... 1 stars
2/20/02 Nevz Yet another example of the Yanks trying to rewrite history 1 stars
2/20/02 Xaver Quite clever. Nice special effects. 4 stars
11/27/01 sdfr kick ass! 4 stars
11/26/01 Jake Intense and thrilling. 5 stars
8/28/01 Phil M. Afficianado Not bad, really, but don't you get tired of the same chaotic scene 10 times over? Skip it. 3 stars
8/08/01 badfish Excellent,great story,great picture,awesome sound. 5 stars
7/31/01 Matthew Bartley No suspense, no accuracy...no anything 1 stars
7/03/01 Piz Ultimate guy flick complete with load bangs, action, and underdog rooting 4 stars
6/07/01 Peter Brook Good sense of timing from Mostow, nice special FX, it's a very predictable story, though. 4 stars
6/06/01 destney you are awsome not you suck 5 stars
6/01/01 sabrinacardin she thinksyour cool 2 stars
5/27/01 Dean Like Hollywood didn't insult the UK enough with The Patriot. This movie is pure feces. 1 stars
3/25/01 Big Blackie Fuckin' cool movie!! Depth changes were awesome! A must see!! 5 stars
3/12/01 Stuart Wright Is it just make up history time. Shall britain make a film saying we droped the atom bomb. 1 stars
2/24/01 jeroen Saw it yesterday......it's about boots or somethin,isn't it? 1 stars
2/05/01 Classicdog Suspense,action, depth charges, what a great sub. film. 4 stars
2/02/01 Matthew Bartley Think I'll make a film about the first moon landings starring Hugh Grant and Jude Law... 1 stars
1/23/01 scorekeeper Great movie, but can be very confusing. 4 stars
1/08/01 Jessica it was sooo good. Matthew McConaughey is do fucking hot!! 5 stars
12/10/00 BrittenysPears I wasen't looking for a history lesson here - the movie is very entertaining!!! 5 stars
11/30/00 Winston Churchill You know it was the U.K. who retrieved the Engima? This was like a bad A-Team adventure! 1 stars
11/19/00 Nick Exciting, Suspenseful, Rent it You wont' regret it 5 stars
11/05/00 Dave Great movie! McConauhey gives an exceptional performance 5 stars
10/18/00 Gremlin Kick ass movie, ther were a few parts that were a little fucked up but over all very neato 5 stars
10/16/00 Jack Laller great movie 5 stars
10/11/00 Monday Morning So you like "made in El-Kabong Hong Kong" action flicks better? This is great. 5 stars
8/14/00 Chickiepoo Long live Jon Bon Jovi!! Too bad he ws in this waste of film. Stoners SUCK! 1 stars
7/18/00 Matthew Bartley The USA did steal an enigma-but not until 3 years after the film! Utter shite 1 stars
7/11/00 pancreas great movie, i docked it one star because there were no naked chicks 4 stars
5/22/00 Obi Wan Defn8ly a guy flik!! Action,shit blowin' up, death...what more could you want? 4 stars
5/21/00 gwalla Top-notch suspense.The USA stole an Enigma too. So it's not 100% accurate, it's fiction!!! 5 stars
5/20/00 Steve Kelley I'm a guy. Bombs, water, fear, heroism, loudness. The formula works for a reason. 4 stars
5/13/00 JJF Falsifies history without batting an eyelid. Don't support this crap. 1 stars
5/12/00 Add It shits on the good soilders who died for our freedom. I urge u not to c this! 1 stars
5/09/00 Travis good action, predictable story 4 stars
5/04/00 tony just wanted more at the ending. there wasnt enough closure. 4 stars
4/30/00 Heather Another titanic movie that pisses around with the truth 1 stars
4/29/00 Ayesha Cross Regardless who actually happened, America always won the war - what bullshit! 1 stars
4/26/00 Matthew Bartley Fucking disgusting. This was a British operation it was 7 months later when USA entered war 1 stars
4/26/00 Marcus West Does abyone care for historical facts in this BS of a movie? 1 stars
4/26/00 XT Wanna see this one on DVD. Maybe it'll make a li'l more sense. Very interesting, though. 4 stars
4/24/00 PhilmPhreak A bit obvious, but damn good - excellent sound! 4 stars
4/24/00 Captain Highcrime Good for action but don't be basing any college history papers on this one. 4 stars
4/24/00 Matt Sabian Excellent!!!! A Das Boot contender! 5 stars
4/24/00 Maclay01 85db volume required the director - the theatres listened and the audience covered our ears 4 stars
4/24/00 Obi Wan Best flick I've seen in a awhile...it did entertain and had it's moments. Worth admission 4 stars
4/24/00 bobber Not a bad movie, but didn't know who Jon Bon Jovi was either. 4 stars
4/24/00 Negative Much better than given credit for. That says alot. Good film. 4 stars
4/23/00 Kevin Cho, movie-buff Absolutely NO character development - everything else was ripped off. POOR. 2 stars
4/23/00 Becky Read the book. All the heart and humor was cut out with Pete Emment's lines (Jon Bon Jovi). 3 stars
4/23/00 Matt It kept me in suspense. The acting was a little wooden at times, but overall it was good. 4 stars
4/23/00 Gavin Moore Any good American will love this, a throwback to 80's action films 4 stars
4/22/00 photogeek did they steal actual footage from Das Boot and make it suck? 2 stars
4/22/00 Z hey, it's more realistic than mission 2 mars... 4 stars
4/22/00 Matt Sabian Brilliant film, perfectly brought to life. End was a bit disappointing 5 stars
4/21/00 Joel Harwood is in tha house the peeps have spoken 1 stars
4/21/00 Joel Harwood Action with a predictable ending but what movie isn't 4 stars
4/21/00 Danny Sykes Predictable at times. Good twists in the plot 4 stars
4/18/00 Tony D'Amoto Pretty good action movie 4 stars
4/17/00 cofemug I laughed and laughed at the overall bad quality of the movie. 2 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  21-Apr-2000 (PG-13)
  DVD: 24-Oct-2000

UK
  N/A

Australia
  20-Apr-2000 (M)




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