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Overall Rating
1.95

Awesome: 7.87%
Worth A Look: 10.24%
Just Average: 7.87%
Pretty Crappy: 17.32%
Sucks56.69%

7 reviews, 85 user ratings


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Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
[AllPosters.com] Buy posters from this movie
by Jason Whyte

"The horror....the horror...."
1 stars

During one of my annual film festival jaunts in Vancouver, I stopped off at panel presentation by esteemed University of Wisconsin professor David Bordwell. Bordwell, a fascinating individual, gave a two and a half hour presentation on the history of the Cinemascope format; its origins, its uses and how it is translated to how films are made today. And even though we were in a small theater in Vancouver, I was spellbound from beginning to end. This wasn’t just because I was fascinated by what he talked about, it was because his energy was palpable, his visual enhancements were well done, and it was an entertaining two hours.

I’m sending David an email this weekend for him to plead him to do a panel at this year’s festival about the horrors of modern film and filmgoers who pay to see the same garbage megaplex films over and over again. And I mention this because how does a small panel presentation at the same running time come out as more entertaining and enjoyable than the absolute soul fucking monstrosity that is Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen.

I mean, seriously, how does a "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" fuck up the single act of BEING a film? This is 155 minutes printed onto 8 reels of celluloid, yet there’s no actual IN point, no actual connection between the viewer and the screen to make one actually feel like they are viewing something. I have never been as offended, as brutally beaten and emotionally exhausted by a film in the six years I have been (off and on) writing for this website.

Attending a screening of Transformers 2 with a friend of mine who has seen his fair share of studio driven pictures, we were surrounded by eager filmgoers inexplicably excited to see this film, for whatever reason. I wanted nothing more than to open up a can of Mystery Science Theater 3000 on this fucking movie. Although the Dolby Digital soundtrack likely would have drowned us out, oh we would have tried. Instead, we sat, twitched and convorted around in our seats for an ass numbing 155 minutes, begging for a moment in the film that would somehow elevate our spirits, something to keep us transfixed. It never came.

I should probably try to give some sense as to what this thing is actually about, but oh the horror; the evil Transformers are after some piece of Transformers candy called Allspark that can kill off the sun’s energy, and the good Transformers are trying to stop that from happening. You see, we thought it all finished off in the first one, but there’s still a piece left of it in our hero Sam’s (Shia LeBoeuf) backpack. Along with Sam is sex-on-a-stick Mikeala (Megan Fox) and a gang of friendly idiots can help stop them, but that usually means running from slow-mo explosions. Because in this movie, that’s just what you do.

Oh right, Sam’s going to college. There will be a slight disconnect between him and Mikeala, so naturally the ladies are going to like Sam and try to woo him from the hottest woman in the world (according to Maxim, anyway. Give me Casey Wilson any day of the week). Mikaela gets jealous after she’s stood up on an internet date (words can’t describe the laughs I had watching Megan Fox being stood up, of which likely has never happened to her), then Sam comes across a crazy roommate who winds up accompanying Sam and co. on the entire intergalactic…oh I give up.

If you actually stopped for a second and considered the goings on, from the interstellar war, the girl at the museum, John Tuturro’s character or the military subplots; otherwise the multiple plotlines going in each and every direction, you’ll notice nothing makes sense even in a film that isn’t supposed to make sense. Fanboys, don’t bother emailing me (although I’m not going to stop you, jasonwhyte@efilmcritic.com) telling me that I wasn’t supposed to focus on the plot. No, stop and consider the events as they unfold on the screen. Think about what they’re doing, or better yet what they’re NOT doing. Whenever one of these story elements pops up, it is usually tossed aside for a series of overblown action sequences where the energy level has passed intense to sensory overload.

The film’s climax, taking place somewhere at the tip of Egypt and the Nile where the Decepticons and Auteobots are going at it, goes on and on and on and on with computer graphics and foley effects blaring all over the room, lasting for what feels like an eternity. At this point I personally prefer the 35mm motion picture format over burgeoning digital cinema, as I could still count the reel changes. I could at least try to figure out when this was all going to end. When that black changeover cue hits the screen, it could still just be another twenty minutes before it’s all over….

I was not a fan of the first “Transformers” movie, although I didn’t think it was as bad as Bay’s “Pearl Harbor” and especially “Bad Boys 2”, and was also not put off by its defenders. I could see it had entertainment value for some, a bit of humour and some off kilter moments. Those just didn’t work for me, and I moved on. Yet this sequel is the rapture, the ultimate nadir of bad film, and this won’t work in a “Troll 2” way where people will clamor around screening rooms years later with John Tuturro showing up to take pictures with fans. It’s currently making money, yet I hope the film decelerates and loses money in the long run, and enough people will speak up about these kinds of films that are killing off smaller, better pictures fighting their way into multiplexes.

Here is a film where it has no defense: it is bad. It is a monstrosity from the opening Dreamworks logo to its four reel climax on top of a pyramid. And then the film abruptly ends right after this; while possibly a good thing for someone like myself who couldn’t stand it, it is just as bizarre and painfully miserable as everything that came before it. I left the cinema with a headache, stumbling out of the air conditioned, megaplex cinema to also see a bunch of others leave the same screening walking slowly, looking dumbfounded.

If this is your kind of film, if you came out of this entertained, with a knee-jerk “It’s better than the first because it’s new!” response, don’t worry…your 15th birthday is coming up soon.

NOTE: Some of you sad souls will no doubt pay to see this in an IMAX theater, be it a digital LIEMAX or proper 70mm horizontal venue, however recent reports have stated the IMAX footage is minimal, cutting back and forth to full-screen 65mm and standard letterboxed 35tmm. And there’s a minute more of robot fight sequences! How could you go wrong? My advice: go see “Up” again, or wait for “Harry Potter: The IMAX Experience” to come out.

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=18124&reviewer=350
originally posted: 07/04/09 15:35:42
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User Comments

1/21/12 Chris Not a fan of parts of it and it has low points but still has some ok action scenes 3 stars
11/20/11 cody a good sequel with great effects , good actions scenes, and good directing 4 stars
10/18/11 Magic To date, the worst movie I've seen in a theater. And I've seen Epic Movie in a theater. 1 stars
10/13/11 ashley rexrode its okay but megan fox cant act 3 stars
7/26/11 Meep A mixture of awesome shit and just plain shit 3 stars
5/26/11 chris c Stabbing my eyes out would be less painful to watch, fire Michael Bay 1 stars
5/07/11 MOJOJO Somehow a worse film than the first Transformers. Quite an accomplishment! 1 stars
5/14/10 mr.mike While pretty much non-stop action , it goes on far too long. 3.5 stars. 3 stars
4/12/10 Jeff Wilder A cheap amusement park ride disguised as a movie 1 stars
3/03/10 dude horrible 1 stars
1/21/10 Corey Weaver A film that thinks talking down to the audience is a good thing. 1 stars
12/26/09 randy todger bay is a hack.editing is piss poor.give big budget movies to talented directors 1 stars
11/11/09 cr a pretty good sequel , with lots of action and laughs, but to much language man. but cool 3 stars
11/04/09 PAUL SHORTT A NOISY, UNDERPLOTTED AND OVERLONG SPECIAL EFFECTS EXTRAVAGANZA THAT LACKS A HUMAN TOUCH 1 stars
10/25/09 Mr.Carrot66 Besides the fact that some are only there to fill the politically correct quotas but seem t 5 stars
10/25/09 Roy100 They put their hands in to the crystals and Ah'len amazes Trip by telling him that his favo 5 stars
10/24/09 Wolf45 This narration suggests that Veronica is explicitly speaking to an audience within the stor 3 stars
10/24/09 Koitus Wow, was this BAD... Two passable action scenes and Megan in leather does NOT make a movie 1 stars
10/24/09 SouthWind59 The definition of a stable model was generalized to programs with choice rules. , <a href=" 4 stars
10/23/09 BadGirl21 That's exactly the strategy which the party successfully followed in the local elections - 2 stars
10/22/09 Maxx68 For it clearly matters for its own sake. , 2 stars
10/22/09 JXL10 Oh but we already had a clue about the power of Africa to sanitize a reputation or a cause. 3 stars
10/22/09 BadGirl72 Institute of Museum and Library Services. , 2 stars
10/20/09 Felix Why do I get the feeling that nearly all the five-star rates are the same people?? PATHETIC 1 stars
9/24/09 george webster What a jumbled mess 2 stars
9/12/09 Sugarfoot So awful...I barely know where to start. 1 stars
8/02/09 David A. Two hours listening to robots grunt and groan--how bad can it get? 1 stars
7/26/09 arn magnusson i felt dizzy watching this on iMAX 1 stars
7/22/09 michael mann simply awful 1 stars
7/21/09 WTF? Gumby, you're a dumbass there are way better movies adapted from a cartoon you dumb cunt 1 stars
7/21/09 Gummby3 A+. You're viewing a movie adaptated from a cartoon. Expecting Shakespeare? 5 stars
7/21/09 Wow, Just Wow Wow.......I simply cannot understand why people like this movie. I simply cannot understand 1 stars
7/19/09 Stevo I never fall asleep at the cinema. Until I saw this film. Why? BECAUSE IT'S SHIT. 1 stars
7/17/09 optimus prime ilike you bumblebee 5 stars
7/17/09 farah hasyeena it great because many adventure and funny 5 stars
7/17/09 farah natasya its is awesome .itsi so interesting.the optumus prime and the bumblebee is so cute. 5 stars
7/14/09 Abhishek Chakraborty What a betrayal of expecations from the first film. fixed MTV style action camera though 1 stars
7/14/09 faiche13 Not UNentertaining at all - but somewhat insulting to one's intelligence. 3 stars
7/12/09 austin wertman okay, i loved the first movie, but i hated this one 1 stars
7/12/09 TrekFan Michael Bay is to JJ Abrams what Uwe Boll is to Francis Ford Coppola 2 stars
7/12/09 gc Yeah, dogs humping and robot balls are SOOO funny, definately put that in the script 2 stars
7/10/09 whitelaw This is the first movie that made me want to walk out of the theater, it's THAT bad! 1 stars
7/08/09 Special K Look, if you stop paying to see shitty movies, maybe they'll stop making shitty movies. 1 stars
7/05/09 The Grinch I didn't think it could get worse than the original. Guess Bay thought that was a dare. 1 stars
7/05/09 Oscar G Yeah It's not Gandhi, but escapist fun does not mean braindead. 2 stars
7/04/09 Rio This is what happens when Michael Bay's brain takes a dump. 1 stars
7/03/09 roger federer worst sequel ever. Decapitate Michael Bay 1 stars
6/30/09 pantera this is the worst blockbuster sequel ever made 1 stars
6/30/09 Crispy I hated this movie, because I have a brain. 1 stars
6/30/09 MEGATRON fantastic pornographic robotic sequences.. LOOOOVVVEEE it man!! 5 stars
6/29/09 Real-person reviewer This is not meant to be a meaningful movie like "Ghandi", but pure escapist fun, so enjoy!! 4 stars
6/29/09 GrandMaster T You get given $150mil to make a movie about transforming robots. How do you f*ck this up? 1 stars
6/29/09 Kent I won't argue with everyone's plot criticisms-- the visual effects were impressive, though. 4 stars
6/29/09 MVC its an 80's animated episode turned into a 2009 experience, enjoy it for what it is! 4 stars
6/29/09 Fruit Loops Such a BAD movie. I wish I had read reviews before I went to see it 1 stars
6/29/09 BoyInTheDesignerBubble stereotypes are hillarious. God save us!! This movie was trash. 1 stars
6/29/09 Luisa monotonous loud action became annoying; ran too long too 2 stars
6/29/09 alan good 4 stars
6/29/09 Used39 Eh... entertaining enough. Pretty stupid, but enjoyable. 2 stars
6/28/09 Tom Servo 'the action in this one was more intense than the 1st'-yeah so was the boredom 1 stars
6/28/09 Monty A True sign of the end times. 1 stars
6/27/09 god am anyone who liked this should be executed promptly - seriously. 1 stars
6/27/09 gandalf worst movie i have ever seen 5 stars
6/26/09 Michael Bay's Soul ROBOT TESTICLES R FUNNY! This movie is not. 1 stars
6/26/09 Brock Sampson It will be fun watching the illiterate fanboys defend this garbage. Insultingly bad movie. 1 stars
6/26/09 Dave if I could give this movie negative stars I would. 1 stars
6/26/09 pran absolute crap, cant believe a piece of art can be this bad. its a disgrace to human rac 1 stars
6/26/09 Jack From Jaws to this? Spielberg should take his money as exec prod. and go into hiding. 1 stars
6/26/09 Steve Michaud Dear God, is this what summer entertainment has come to? 1 stars
6/25/09 KingNeutron 4.5 / 5 *s - the action in this one was more intense than the 1st 4 stars
6/25/09 JR I feel sorry for those who actually enjoyed watching this POS. 1 stars
6/25/09 Aaron I'm not a fanboy, but I did enjoy the hell out of this. 4 stars
6/25/09 George Critics are so full of themselves. See the movie an judge for yourself people. 5 stars
6/25/09 TB I was sent to review this film for on-air, and walked out. IT'S THAT BAD. 1 stars
6/25/09 Craig Ranapia I didn't much like this film, but the experience was nothing like being raped. 3 stars
6/24/09 Maven Brick headed stupidity mixed with racism! Another 1-2 punch from Michael Bay! 1 stars
6/24/09 Pato This is entertainment people, not a doctoral thesis, it was fun!! Critics suck!! 4 stars
6/24/09 Brad Schroeder If your over 25 and thought this movie was good i feel sorry for you 1 stars
6/24/09 Kevin Meyer I thought the film was better than the first, and easily his best, most epic film yet. 5 stars
6/24/09 Viral Hey, fuck you. How can you say anything released this year was worse than Dragonball. 4 stars
6/24/09 V8Thrasher i stopped taking this review seriously once i saw how much he hated Bay. Prejudice he is. 4 stars
6/24/09 Anthony An honest review, but I think 98 percent of normal people disagree. 4 stars
6/24/09 Darkstar Just remember, it's Michael Bay not William Shakespeare. I didn't think it sucked. 4 stars
6/24/09 Daniel Kelly A massive annoyance, cool CGI but everything else is sub par 2 stars
6/24/09 Michael Yeah, I can admit too that I like "The Rock" and "Armageddon". 3 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  24-Jun-2009 (PG-13)
  DVD: 20-Oct-2009

UK
  N/A

Australia
  24-Jun-2009
  DVD: 20-Oct-2009



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