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Overall Rating
1.95

Awesome: 7.87%
Worth A Look: 10.24%
Just Average: 7.87%
Pretty Crappy: 17.32%
Sucks56.69%

7 reviews, 85 user ratings


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Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
[AllPosters.com] Buy posters from this movie
by David Cornelius

"What the inside of a Red Bull can must look like."
1 stars

Welcome to Michael Bay’s world. A world of awesome explosions and slo-mo walking and smokin’ hot babes and bucktoothed stereotypes and terrible comic relief and a neverending supply of cocaine, snortable right off a stripper’s ass, no charge. A world void of story, character development, and logic. A world where Linkin Park songs play all the time. A world where everything looks like a totally bitchin’ commercial for the National Guard. A world where the semi-literate D-student reigns supreme.

It’s his world. We’re just guests, desperately looking for the way out.

I gave “Transformers” a positive review two summers ago, but for the life of me, I can’t remember why; all I remember now is a lot terrible music, incoherent fight scenes, and some gawdawful shtick with the Autobots trying to hide in someone’s backyard.

Now comes “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen,” and whatever awesometastic partytime vibe I must’ve felt was there in the first film is painfully absent here. Bay and screenwriters Ehren Kruger, Roberto Orci, and Alex Kurtzman have slathered their film with such unrelenting excess that there’s no time to enjoy anything. There are two modes here: loud and louder, and there’s not so much a story with proper build-up and payoff as there is a random series of action scenes that just sort of end. All that endless excitement, it’s just so boring - there’s no sense of anticipation, no tension, no downtime. It’s on all the time, like being stuck on a bus with a screaming baby. The movie, all 150 goddamn minutes of it, is an audio-visual assault that mimics storytelling without understanding it. It’s a wad of chaos puked onto the big screen, an arbitrary collection of explosions and machismo posturing and frat boy assholery. It’s “8-Ball: The Movie.”

Oh, and it’s all, you know, for the kids. Bay has stated he considers “Revenge of the Fallen” a children’s movie, which is a sad thing for a grown man to say, revealing a complete lack of understanding of what comprises children’s entertainment. Here is a movie, “for kids,” that consists almost entirely of gunfire, warfare, bloodshed, murder, sex, racism, pot humor, testicle jokes, and dogs humping. It’s enough to make me apologize to Will Ferrell for complaining about the phrase “zombie dick” in “Land of the Lost.”

To understand what Bay thinks constitutes something “for kids,” let’s compare his film to the “junior novelization,” available in fine bookstores now. In the book, written, one assumes, by someone who knows what’s appropriate for kids, a key scene between our human hero Sam and a young seductress involves some nervous dialogue and an attempted kiss. In Bay’s film, meanwhile, Sam (Shia LaBeouf) is stalked by a college coed who, like all women in Bay’s world, comes with slutty porn star looks, a heaving chest, and a skirt short enough to reveal the majesties of the women’s undergarment industry, upon which the camera lingers lustily; she hunts him down like a sex addict, repeatedly tossing herself upon him, hoping to rape him while thrusting away. You know, for kids!

As for Megan Fox, who reprises her role as Sam’s girlfriend Mikaela, there’s not a single shot of her that’s not smothered in some sort of dirty old man leering. Legend has it that Bay’s only direction to her was to “look hot,” which she accomplishes by bending over a lot and speaking in a vapid monotone. She’s supposed to serve as a role model for girls, I think, what with her character being a tomboyish gearhead and all - although it’s Bay’s world, where even tomboys are pipin’ hot bimbos. (No dykes here, fellas!) Bay’s message to girls everywhere: try to like what guys like, but be a skeeze, too. Who needs brains when you’ve got pouty blow job lips? Right, ladies?

(Oh, and slutty chicks can turn into robots, too, because the movie patently refuses to make any sense.)

The story? Yup, that’s terrible, too. Sam’s heading off to college, you see, and the trusty Autobots and their human allies (a top-secret international unit that exists merely so Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson can reappear without asking the writers to think up a reasonable excuse) are busy hunting down the remaining hidden Decepticons. When Sam conveniently finds a shard of the Allspark, his brain is flash-loaded with ancient symbols related to the whereabouts of a deadly machine that will let the bad guys destroy our sun, for reasons too stupid to explain here. Megatron is hauled out of his deep sea tomb (where the government dumped him as part of their military strategy to set up the sequel) and revived, and he’s now in the service of the Fallen, “the first Decepticon,” a being so powerful and important that nobody bothered mentioning him last time.

What passes here for a plot has Sam get all spastic as the symbols overwhelm his brain; the Autobots engage in numerous fight sequences; Sam and his pals meet Agent Simmons (John Turturro), and they all go to Jordan, where the Egyptian pyramids are, because that’s what happens when you let the jackknobs who failed geography make a $200 million action movie.

It’s a seventy minute plot straight out of the cartoons, fair enough. But since Bay is driven to make the most over-the-top awesomeness ever, the whole thing gets padded out to an unholy two-and-a-half hours. And that leaves us with such dreadful filler as: a subplot arc where Sam and Mikaela are too nervous to say “I love you” to each other, until, of course, the finale, because that’s how they do it in Screenplay 101; and a scene where all of Sam’s kitchen gadgets spring to life; and a joke where Sam’s mom (Julie White), eats hash brownies and gets high without knowing it, because she’s apparently a moron; and a lengthy bit where our heroes find Jetfire, a Transformer so old and creaky and antiquated, he’s disguised as a stealth bomber from, like, the 1990s (dude! old!); and frequent comic interruptions from a pair of bucktoothed Amos & Andy-esque Autobots; and flashbacks to the dawn of man; and a strained Rainn Wilson cameo; and throwaway scenes where the buffoonish Secretary of Defense (John Benjamin Hickey) interferes with military success; and a frat party; and jokes about dog sex and robot testicles. If he only had another ten million more to spend, I’m sure Bay would’ve tossed in a musical number.

When not stalling on useless asides and cheap time wasters, the film crams itself with the simplest pile of clichéd dialogue and tiresome exposition (repeated again and again, for the benefit of the slower viewers), which in turn exists to set up the action sequences, which arrive on screen like clockwork. Fans may celebrate that the fight scenes are bigger and louder than those in the last movie, but that’s hardly a plus considering Bay’s knack for visual clutter. These Transformers are barely comprehensible on their own, each looking not like robots but a garbage heap of various curved chunks of metal, some with faces, some not (to help you keep track: the bad guys’ faces all look like giant metal anuses); toss them into a fight scene under Bay’s direction, and it’s just a mess of spare parts flying by one’s line of sight.

And, naturally, Bay has even less luck with the human side of things, his characters ranging from obnoxious to pointless. After watching “Revenge of the Fallen,” it’s apparent Bay’s dream movie would have no people in it at all (except for the occasional slut), and no story. It would be three hours of slo-mo explosion footage set to a booming soundtrack, interrupted only by the occasional Linkin Park video.

That’s Michael Bay’s world, people. Where’s the exit?

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=18124&reviewer=392
originally posted: 06/26/09 16:44:46
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User Comments

1/21/12 Chris Not a fan of parts of it and it has low points but still has some ok action scenes 3 stars
11/20/11 cody a good sequel with great effects , good actions scenes, and good directing 4 stars
10/18/11 Magic To date, the worst movie I've seen in a theater. And I've seen Epic Movie in a theater. 1 stars
10/13/11 ashley rexrode its okay but megan fox cant act 3 stars
7/26/11 Meep A mixture of awesome shit and just plain shit 3 stars
5/26/11 chris c Stabbing my eyes out would be less painful to watch, fire Michael Bay 1 stars
5/07/11 MOJOJO Somehow a worse film than the first Transformers. Quite an accomplishment! 1 stars
5/14/10 mr.mike While pretty much non-stop action , it goes on far too long. 3.5 stars. 3 stars
4/12/10 Jeff Wilder A cheap amusement park ride disguised as a movie 1 stars
3/03/10 dude horrible 1 stars
1/21/10 Corey Weaver A film that thinks talking down to the audience is a good thing. 1 stars
12/26/09 randy todger bay is a hack.editing is piss poor.give big budget movies to talented directors 1 stars
11/11/09 cr a pretty good sequel , with lots of action and laughs, but to much language man. but cool 3 stars
11/04/09 PAUL SHORTT A NOISY, UNDERPLOTTED AND OVERLONG SPECIAL EFFECTS EXTRAVAGANZA THAT LACKS A HUMAN TOUCH 1 stars
10/25/09 Mr.Carrot66 Besides the fact that some are only there to fill the politically correct quotas but seem t 5 stars
10/25/09 Roy100 They put their hands in to the crystals and Ah'len amazes Trip by telling him that his favo 5 stars
10/24/09 Wolf45 This narration suggests that Veronica is explicitly speaking to an audience within the stor 3 stars
10/24/09 Koitus Wow, was this BAD... Two passable action scenes and Megan in leather does NOT make a movie 1 stars
10/24/09 SouthWind59 The definition of a stable model was generalized to programs with choice rules. , <a href=" 4 stars
10/23/09 BadGirl21 That's exactly the strategy which the party successfully followed in the local elections - 2 stars
10/22/09 Maxx68 For it clearly matters for its own sake. , 2 stars
10/22/09 JXL10 Oh but we already had a clue about the power of Africa to sanitize a reputation or a cause. 3 stars
10/22/09 BadGirl72 Institute of Museum and Library Services. , 2 stars
10/20/09 Felix Why do I get the feeling that nearly all the five-star rates are the same people?? PATHETIC 1 stars
9/24/09 george webster What a jumbled mess 2 stars
9/12/09 Sugarfoot So awful...I barely know where to start. 1 stars
8/02/09 David A. Two hours listening to robots grunt and groan--how bad can it get? 1 stars
7/26/09 arn magnusson i felt dizzy watching this on iMAX 1 stars
7/22/09 michael mann simply awful 1 stars
7/21/09 WTF? Gumby, you're a dumbass there are way better movies adapted from a cartoon you dumb cunt 1 stars
7/21/09 Gummby3 A+. You're viewing a movie adaptated from a cartoon. Expecting Shakespeare? 5 stars
7/21/09 Wow, Just Wow Wow.......I simply cannot understand why people like this movie. I simply cannot understand 1 stars
7/19/09 Stevo I never fall asleep at the cinema. Until I saw this film. Why? BECAUSE IT'S SHIT. 1 stars
7/17/09 optimus prime ilike you bumblebee 5 stars
7/17/09 farah hasyeena it great because many adventure and funny 5 stars
7/17/09 farah natasya its is awesome .itsi so interesting.the optumus prime and the bumblebee is so cute. 5 stars
7/14/09 Abhishek Chakraborty What a betrayal of expecations from the first film. fixed MTV style action camera though 1 stars
7/14/09 faiche13 Not UNentertaining at all - but somewhat insulting to one's intelligence. 3 stars
7/12/09 austin wertman okay, i loved the first movie, but i hated this one 1 stars
7/12/09 TrekFan Michael Bay is to JJ Abrams what Uwe Boll is to Francis Ford Coppola 2 stars
7/12/09 gc Yeah, dogs humping and robot balls are SOOO funny, definately put that in the script 2 stars
7/10/09 whitelaw This is the first movie that made me want to walk out of the theater, it's THAT bad! 1 stars
7/08/09 Special K Look, if you stop paying to see shitty movies, maybe they'll stop making shitty movies. 1 stars
7/05/09 The Grinch I didn't think it could get worse than the original. Guess Bay thought that was a dare. 1 stars
7/05/09 Oscar G Yeah It's not Gandhi, but escapist fun does not mean braindead. 2 stars
7/04/09 Rio This is what happens when Michael Bay's brain takes a dump. 1 stars
7/03/09 roger federer worst sequel ever. Decapitate Michael Bay 1 stars
6/30/09 pantera this is the worst blockbuster sequel ever made 1 stars
6/30/09 Crispy I hated this movie, because I have a brain. 1 stars
6/30/09 MEGATRON fantastic pornographic robotic sequences.. LOOOOVVVEEE it man!! 5 stars
6/29/09 Real-person reviewer This is not meant to be a meaningful movie like "Ghandi", but pure escapist fun, so enjoy!! 4 stars
6/29/09 GrandMaster T You get given $150mil to make a movie about transforming robots. How do you f*ck this up? 1 stars
6/29/09 Kent I won't argue with everyone's plot criticisms-- the visual effects were impressive, though. 4 stars
6/29/09 MVC its an 80's animated episode turned into a 2009 experience, enjoy it for what it is! 4 stars
6/29/09 Fruit Loops Such a BAD movie. I wish I had read reviews before I went to see it 1 stars
6/29/09 BoyInTheDesignerBubble stereotypes are hillarious. God save us!! This movie was trash. 1 stars
6/29/09 Luisa monotonous loud action became annoying; ran too long too 2 stars
6/29/09 alan good 4 stars
6/29/09 Used39 Eh... entertaining enough. Pretty stupid, but enjoyable. 2 stars
6/28/09 Tom Servo 'the action in this one was more intense than the 1st'-yeah so was the boredom 1 stars
6/28/09 Monty A True sign of the end times. 1 stars
6/27/09 god am anyone who liked this should be executed promptly - seriously. 1 stars
6/27/09 gandalf worst movie i have ever seen 5 stars
6/26/09 Michael Bay's Soul ROBOT TESTICLES R FUNNY! This movie is not. 1 stars
6/26/09 Brock Sampson It will be fun watching the illiterate fanboys defend this garbage. Insultingly bad movie. 1 stars
6/26/09 Dave if I could give this movie negative stars I would. 1 stars
6/26/09 pran absolute crap, cant believe a piece of art can be this bad. its a disgrace to human rac 1 stars
6/26/09 Jack From Jaws to this? Spielberg should take his money as exec prod. and go into hiding. 1 stars
6/26/09 Steve Michaud Dear God, is this what summer entertainment has come to? 1 stars
6/25/09 KingNeutron 4.5 / 5 *s - the action in this one was more intense than the 1st 4 stars
6/25/09 JR I feel sorry for those who actually enjoyed watching this POS. 1 stars
6/25/09 Aaron I'm not a fanboy, but I did enjoy the hell out of this. 4 stars
6/25/09 George Critics are so full of themselves. See the movie an judge for yourself people. 5 stars
6/25/09 TB I was sent to review this film for on-air, and walked out. IT'S THAT BAD. 1 stars
6/25/09 Craig Ranapia I didn't much like this film, but the experience was nothing like being raped. 3 stars
6/24/09 Maven Brick headed stupidity mixed with racism! Another 1-2 punch from Michael Bay! 1 stars
6/24/09 Pato This is entertainment people, not a doctoral thesis, it was fun!! Critics suck!! 4 stars
6/24/09 Brad Schroeder If your over 25 and thought this movie was good i feel sorry for you 1 stars
6/24/09 Kevin Meyer I thought the film was better than the first, and easily his best, most epic film yet. 5 stars
6/24/09 Viral Hey, fuck you. How can you say anything released this year was worse than Dragonball. 4 stars
6/24/09 V8Thrasher i stopped taking this review seriously once i saw how much he hated Bay. Prejudice he is. 4 stars
6/24/09 Anthony An honest review, but I think 98 percent of normal people disagree. 4 stars
6/24/09 Darkstar Just remember, it's Michael Bay not William Shakespeare. I didn't think it sucked. 4 stars
6/24/09 Daniel Kelly A massive annoyance, cool CGI but everything else is sub par 2 stars
6/24/09 Michael Yeah, I can admit too that I like "The Rock" and "Armageddon". 3 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  24-Jun-2009 (PG-13)
  DVD: 20-Oct-2009

UK
  N/A

Australia
  24-Jun-2009
  DVD: 20-Oct-2009



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