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Overall Rating

Awesome: 5.56%
Worth A Look: 16.67%
Just Average44.44%
Pretty Crappy: 0%
Sucks: 33.33%

2 reviews, 6 user ratings

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Aria (1987)
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by Slyder

"A pointless and cringe inducing opera-filled trash bag"
1 stars

I’m not a big fan of opera, though I dig the music and all. But after seeing this movie, I don’t think I’ll visit an opera house soon, because if this is how opera is, then I prefer to sit in my room and get off on Shauna O’Brien and Kira Reed porn movies rather than watch this self-indulgent, utterly pretentious and ultimately pointless pile of garbage.

Supposedly ten directors (among them Bruce Beresford, Robert Altman, Jean-Luc Godard, Nicholas Roeg, Ken Russell, and Julien Temple) made ten short pieces using an aria as soundtrack and each piece supposedly is an interpretation of that particular aria.

Call me an ignorant or whatever but still, you’d be thinking that these ten short-films would actually have something to say or make sense at least, right? Wrong. What we have here is 10 people getting off on pieces of classical music and constructing these segments that have little in common whatsoever with each other and even with themselves. And oh my, do the results suck?

Oh look, two semi and ultimately naked women try to seduce and then try to stab some body-builders (this one was laughable). Behold, some General is caught in a conspiracy involving a woman and kills some people (this one had some suspense). Elizabethan people watch a play naked (the play makes little sense either and so does this too). Wow, a clown doing a solo and holding a drum. Wait, Elizabeth Hurley undressing with his partner and going to bed nude (BUT NO SEX, DAMN IT! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT??!!), and Bridget Fonda going into a Vegas motel to fuck with her lover only to commit suicide later. Good fucking Lord, wake me up when it’s over.

All of these scenarios I guess are like some sort of “picture slides” or whatever, but if that was the intention, it certainly fails miserably. First of all, what the hell was it with all the nudity involved? Were they originally going to do a high-art porn movie or what? Most of the sexual innuendo doesn't amount to horseshit, and it’s as pointless as the segments themselves. Not only are all these segments incredibly unfocused and pretentious since they’re devoid of any meaning whatsoever (try making any sense out of them; believe me, you can’t), but the arias they chose have to be some of the worst pieces of music I’ve ever listened to. They’re utterly dreadful and cringe-inducing pieces of shit, they sound more like the outtakes of each respective artist than actual good music.

Combine all of this and you get an atrocious, masturbatory, and excruciatingly awful film so boring that you’ll wish you’d slit your wrists and wait for hell to end. With all that nudity around, it looks more like a badly edited porn flick; so bad not even Hurley's breasts and Fonda's sex scene can save it. It's just that bad and just that boring.

Truly boring, one of the most overly indulgent and pretentious crapfests so crappy that it will make you wonder what in the hell were these directors thinking when they signed up to do this garbage? I’ll make a mental note of the 10 morons responsible for this trash so whenever I meet them afterwards, I’ll sock the fuckers right in the jaw. Sons of bitches wasted 90 minutes of my life. 0-5

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=1937&reviewer=235
originally posted: 10/18/04 17:21:53
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User Comments

8/02/15 John C. Drew, Ph.D. Endlessly fascinating film. Deeply touching if you know Italian, French and the operas. 5 stars
10/16/07 mr.mike watchable , but becomes tiresome towards the end. 3 stars
6/19/02 Charles Tatum More music video than the last three years of MTV 4 stars
3/16/02 clu fags, each story is based on the song that accompanies it 4 stars
8/27/00 mendes americano, antonio opera video clips, 1987 3 stars
8/21/99 Olivia Neutron-Bomb Tilda's in this. Tilda is sexy. 4 stars
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  02-Feb-1987 (R)


  02-Jul-1987 (MA)

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