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Overall Rating
2.4

Awesome: 6.25%
Worth A Look: 27.08%
Just Average: 4.17%
Pretty Crappy: 25%
Sucks37.5%

3 reviews, 30 user ratings


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Relic, The
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by Ryan Arthur

"The book is 10 times better. And the book ain't that great."
1 stars

Hey, look! Another creature terrorizing everyone movie!

Based on the book of the same name, the Relic is just plain stinky. The acting is uninspired (Penelope Ann Miller as a genius? Tom Sizemore as a cop? Again?) and the film looks muddy as hell.

Once again we're presented with a would-be creature feature that's supposed to scare us out of our wits.

It doesn't.

The actual beastie itself grows throughout the film until the climax where we finally get a look at it. It's a mix of T-rex, Alien and tongue. That's it. Not the least bit original. As for the suspense?

People die. Gruesomely. No one seems to care. That it happens in a Chicago museum is apparently not enough to signal to authorites that something strange is afoot. And how Miller can hide in a vat of chemicals that strips flesh off bones but leaves her untouched is beyond me.

Interestingly enough, the creature was more manlike (apelike?) in the book. Apparently the filmmakers thought bigger and messier equaled scarier. Wrong.

Dumb. A waste of your time.

Skip it.

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=199&reviewer=7
originally posted: 09/04/98 09:26:38
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User Comments

9/12/17 morris campbell not bad monster movie 4 stars
7/04/10 PAUL SHORTT UNORIGINAL AND UNCONVINCING 2 stars
4/06/10 action movie fan scary claustrophobic monster in museum-effect5ive alien like shocker-better than the rating 4 stars
7/20/07 ben dover fucking great fuck off the rest of you losers 5 stars
1/09/07 del Crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrap!!! 1 stars
8/12/05 ES Oh the boook was so much better, they didn't even include special agent Pendergast= tragic 2 stars
1/05/05 R.W. Welch By-the-numbers monster flick starts well enough but gets steadily sappier and cliche'd. 2 stars
8/19/04 Jimmy Script is only a notch above genre schlock, but the monster is great. Underrated. 4 stars
3/26/04 ROY L. CAIN,JR. All horror aside, Penelope Ann Miller looked good in that dress. GRRRRRR! 5 stars
11/27/03 HorrorScribbler A few cheap thrills, some unintentional hilarity. Miller looks good in a cocktail dress. 3 stars
9/08/03 Buck Entertaining and slick for the monster movie buff 4 stars
5/23/03 Danny Spectacular horror monster movie 5 stars
3/08/03 Jack Sommersby A formulaic rendering of a brilliant book. A rare misstep for Peter Hyams. 2 stars
1/28/03 Charles Tatum As boring as a real museum tour 1 stars
3/22/02 Steve Mackey Read the book, saw the movie. Another case of Hollywood screwing up a good story. 1 stars
2/05/02 Andrew Carden The Ending Was Very Memorable...The Plot Was Weird Though. 4 stars
10/23/01 Sthenno Really good directing and the effects make The Relic memorable. I love Chicago in turmoil! 4 stars
1/12/01 The Evil Penguin I LOVE YOU, TOTAL CRAPERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
9/05/00 Terrie Smith Waste of time with this one; hasn't got a hell of a lot going for it. 2 stars
2/05/00 Kyle Broflovski Only marginally scary, with a definite undernote of cheese, but still a nice try. 4 stars
1/18/00 Jedi15 A big monster stalks a bunch of helpless people in the dark. Can we say "Alien" ripoff? 1 stars
5/31/99 robert williams Go Swans said it was "scary" I say "it sucked" 1 stars
5/09/99 Ah Dooey no comment 1 stars
11/24/98 Fred WHAT THE FUCK? Tom, Tom, Tom!!! Thank your lucky stars for Pvt. Ryan!!!!!!! 1 stars
10/28/98 Bad Kosh I agree with you guys. Skip it. A waste of our money. 1 stars
9/17/98 Badass "YOU GO TO HELL!" Shitty dialoge. So-so excitement. Basic, but okay. 3 stars
9/05/98 Kid Pee-Pee What kind of crappy try-hard monster was that?! 1 stars
8/22/98 James McCauley The previews made this look like a suspense thriller. It wasn't. 1 stars
8/16/98 {{{OZ}}} I'm with Johny, this was shite. How did it make big money? 1 stars
8/15/98 Johny damn the first 45 minutes were boring, and the ending sucked too 2 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  10-Jan-1997 (R)
  DVD: 19-Aug-2003

UK
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