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Overall Rating
1.32

Awesome: 0%
Worth A Look: 8%
Just Average: 0%
Pretty Crappy: 8%
Sucks84%

2 reviews, 13 user ratings


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Vampires Suck
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by Peter Sobczynski

"Dear God, It Hurts!"
1 stars

Considering the fact that this has been one of the worst moviegoing summers to come along in years, I suppose it is only fitting that its waning days should see the release of the latest film from the anti-comedy duo of Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer, the dimwits behind the legendarily unamusing crapfests “Date Movie,” “Epic Movie,” “Meet the Spartans” and “Disaster Movie.” Since it has been a blessed two years since their last film hit theaters, some moviegoers may have forgotten just how gruesome the experience of sitting through one of their efforts can be but it only takes a couple of minutes of watching “Vampires Suck” for all of the pain and horror to come rushing back in one sudden jolt and send all but the hardiest or laziest running up the aisles to escape. Granted, the trailers and commercials made it look about as promising as a Civil War leg wound but they hardly begin to scratch the surface of just how artistically bereft this thing truly is. This is the kind of film that is so bad that you almost wish that it had been shot in 3D simply so that you could just take your glasses off and not have to look at it anymore.

For those of you too dense to have figured it out for yourselves (pretty much the typical target audience for a Friedberg/Seltzer joint), “Vampires Suck” is a spoof of the ridiculously popular “Twilight” saga. This marks a change from their previous efforts, which were billed as parodies of broad genres but which were essentially grab-bags of anything that had been culturally significant within the previous six months or so, but it quickly becomes apparent that their concept of what constitutes parody remains distressingly the same. Even though the “Twilight” series, especially in its cinematic incarnation, would seem to be the ripest possible target for satire imaginable--this is, after all, a story in which vampires willingly attend high school, bring permission slips for field trips and go on family outing to play baseball in the woods--Friedberg and Seltzer seem to have absolutely no interest in exploring any of those possibilities. Instead, their idea of biting humor is to simply replicate key scenes from the first two films, sometimes virtually beat for beat, and concluding them with either a crude sex joke or the sight of someone getting brutally smacked in the head with either a fist or a heavy object. When that grows tiresome, which happens quicker than anyone could have logically anticipated, the guys go back to their standard scattershot approach that brings in unnecessarily crude and hostile jokes aimed at gays, Indians, Canadians and, inexplicably, the Kardashians as well as tabloid mainstays like Tiger Woods, Chris Brown and Lindsay Lohan, not to mention references to such relatively unrelated items as “Jersey Shore,” “Dear John,” “Gossip Girl,” “Paranormal Activity” and “Alice in Wonderland.” Even with all of that filler added in, the film still barely makes it to feature-length status despite a seemingly endless end credits sequence (which, interestingly enough, does not include any bloopers or outtakes) and a couple of sequences in which previously viewed scenes that weren’t funny the first time around are shamelessly repeated in order to help pad the running time.

To give the filmmakers the tiniest iota of credit, they have, in newcomer Jenn Proske, found an actress capable of doing a spot-on impression of Kristen Stewart’s zoned-out and irritatingly mannered performances and focusing their comedic aim at one specific target instead the scattershot approach of their previous works has resulted in a film that is at least slightly more coherent than usual. However, Proske’s efforts largely go to waste because she hasn’t been given anything to do other than serve as a human punching bag in seemingly every other scene--one moment in which she is decked out in sexy lingerie and then simply decked with an endless load of bricks is so unpleasant that it might have stopped the film dead if it wasn’t already there. As for the single-target focus, it winds up inspiring an endless and endlessly annoying jokes in which the characters make reference to the actual “Twilight” stories in a crude stab at meta-humor that sort of clever the first time around (an especially gooney romantic moment is described as being “Hardwicke 101”) and not so much so the other 189 times that the basic concept is reused. (At one especially gratuitous point, two characters are seen leaving a screening of “Breaking Dawn” for no other reason than to reveal its ending.) As for the rest of the film, it is crude, stupid, ugly, completely lacking in wit, humor or even creative crudity and never less than utterly contemptuous of its audience and to make matters worse, they have unconsciously appropriated the somnambulistic pacing of the actual “Twilight” films to such a degree that even though the film only clocks in at about 80 minutes, it feels as if it runs at least twice as long.

How bad is “Vampires Suck”? It is so bad that even those who hate “Twilight” with every fiber of their beings may come away from it thinking that it deserved better on the parody front than this. It is so bad that even Carmen Electra, who has faithfully and inexplicably appeared in all of the previous Friedberg/Seltzer projects, didn’t bother to sign on here--the closest thing the film gets to star power is Diedrich Bader and Ken Jeong, a guy so crudely unfunny that he may be the only actor working today who deserves to be in their films. It is so bad that upon further analysis, it just might beat out the likes of “The Last Airbender” and “Marmaduke” for the title of this summer’s worst film. It is so bad, in fact, that it has actually managed to break even me. Normally, I will cheerfully sit through the most hideous-looking films in order to review them but after enduring “Vampires Suck,” I vow to never again sit through another one of their efforts. Hopefully, in the spirit of compromise, they will reciprocate by never again making one but if they continue to persevere in their efforts, you guys are on your own from now on.

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=20822&reviewer=389
originally posted: 08/19/10 18:28:20
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User Comments

8/29/15 victor diaz i do not know if this can get a lower rating... 1 stars
7/17/12 jo mamma wayans bros are a grade aboe these hacks 1 stars
10/23/11 Aaron Real Funny movie 4 stars
10/02/11 7thstranger The only thing funny was the town name, Sporks! 1 stars
9/09/11 Shannon Dagesse Not only do vampires suck so did this movie 1 stars
7/23/11 Jennifer Barr pretty bad 1 stars
2/08/11 Lundon I tried to laught I really did but it hurt to laugh and not in a good way this movie is bad 1 stars
2/03/11 Alyssa Bowers when u think about it, it made fun of the right suff, and some things were just stupid. 2 stars
9/15/10 Olivia I'll just quote the little girl I overheard after the movie "Daddy, Vampire sucks, sucks!" 2 stars
8/28/10 PAUL SHORTT WITLESSLY BROAD AND UTTERLY DEVOID OF LAUGHS 1 stars
8/25/10 Brad i like the twilight movies but this is funny as hell 4 stars
8/24/10 M I lasted 3 min.... 1 stars
8/23/10 Joseph THIS IS IT! THE WORST! 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  18-Aug-2010 (PG-13)
  DVD: 30-Nov-2010

UK
  N/A

Australia
  18-Aug-2010
  DVD: 30-Nov-2010


Directed by
  Jason Friedberg
  Aaron Seltzer

Written by
  Jason Friedberg
  Aaron Seltzer

Cast
  Ken Jeong



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