I always liked movies that are set in the medieval periods, you know, the age of kings and knights, the fantasies of dragons and fairies, and all that shit. I had high hopes for this film, I mean its based on Camelot and the Knights of the Round Table for Christ Sake!!! Then, the film ended, and I have to tell you, watching the TV show Hercules is even better and more enjoyable than sitting here and watch this sardonic pile of shit. Of all the medieval ťpoque films Iíve seen, Iíve never seen one that makes feel so fucking ripped off.So, the story is about this bitch, Lady Guinevere (Julia Ormond), who is offered marriage from King Arthur of Camelot (Sean Connery), but on the road, she and her guards are attacked by the evil Malagant (Ben Cross), a former knight of the Round Table who has rebelled and wants to establish and expand his own empire. But sheís saved by a bohemian swordsman called Lancelot (Richard Gere) and manages to avoid the enemy and return the future queen to Arthurís guards. She is attracted to Lancelot, but since she also wants to be a rich bitch, she marries Arthur. Lancelot then joins Arthurís cavalry and goes to fight against Malagantís army, while at the same time, he and Guinevere fall in love even more, which in the end could be devastating.
"A Firsthand Disaster"
Ok, first of all, Sean Connery got an excellent-fitting role as King Arthur. You can see how well the character fits on him. But also, you can see that heís bored with the role, and doesnít really excel in his performance throughout the film. In other words, heís not as believable. Thereís a reason for that. Like every actor, he needs the money, he knows that this film was doomed from the start, but he doesnít care, he just gets paid to act. Iím NOT offending Connery in anyway, in fact I think heís a great actor. The only point Iím making here is that the film was fucked from the start, and he knew that, but heís just an actor, already signed into the project, what can he do? Same thing with Gere and Ormond, theyíre actors, nothing more.
The script called for some good ideas, but the ideas were so poorly made, itís just laughable. Where to start? Lets start with the flaws that came throughout most of the movie. For a great medieval era film to succeed, not only needs to have great performances and good directing, the settings have to look realistic enough to believe that weíre watching those times. Braveheart did this, Willow did this, many other films did this, except this one. This film has one of the lamest art directions/set decorations and costumes ever. The settings look like they just filmed the fucking movie in any park, or a historical museum. I say this because the fucking houses and all look unnecessarily old, like the movie were more of a fucking witch hunt in a historical relics museum, than the history of Camelot. Ok, it looked FAKE!!! Then thereís the great city of Camelot. Oh, I laughed at this one; the fucking city looks so FAKE, since you can easily tell itís a fucking computer-generated castle. Itís so bright it looks also like either a fucking amusement park at night or a UFO, or even goddamn Disneyland!!! It shines so much as if the fucking castle were made of glass. Um, guys, this is the medieval period, not the fucking year 3000!!!!
The Costumes were of piss-poor quality; Iíve never seen such a fucky costume, it looked FAKE!!! THIS IS A PERIOD PIECE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! The battle sequences looked FAKE, no blood spill, not even a single minute of medieval warfare realism, the fucking costumes donít get cut, everybody dies without a single drop of blood. What the hell is this, a damn childrenís swordplay? Those fucking crossbows are so little, that you can realize right away that they look more like toys than war weapons. Is as if the battles didnít have a soul, a cause, a fury, itís just a bunch of fuckheads playing around with swords. The script unfortunately has some of the worst one-liners ever. Itís hard to believe that the guy who directed this was Jerry Zucker, the man behind such classics as Ghost, and Airplane. How could you come up with this type of shit? His direction is flawed in many aspects. The suspense atmosphere that he builds is artificial, and poorly made, the moments where you should gasp, you chuckle (the betrayal), and in the moments you should be hanging on the edge of your seat, youíll be laughing your ass off (battle scenes). The betrayal scene and later trial is never believable, and instead it brings out a sense of stupidity and ridiculousness.
The performances were all dull. Connery, Gere and Ormond are wasted here, you can see their embarrassment in their faces, and the rest of the supporting cast was also awful. Iím still trying to figure out whether Jerry Zucker was trying to do a comedy spoof of Camelot or a drama about it, because honestly, it shits at both.In the end, donít waste your time in this film; itís such a sack of shit, that itíll leave you ripped off and with a lot of bile to take a painful piss. Go see some better films like Braveheart, Camelot, or Willow, but stay away from this flick.
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originally posted: 08/21/01 20:25:59