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Overall Rating

Awesome: 3.13%
Worth A Look: 1.56%
Just Average: 3.13%
Pretty Crappy: 7.81%

3 reviews, 46 user ratings

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Simon Sez
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by Greg Muskewitz

"Even worse than 'Double Team,' and this doesn't even have Van Dam"
1 stars

"Simon Sez," to my knowledge, was a completely unpublicised film here in San Diego. The film's distributor, Independent Artists, must also be unfamiliar with America's Finest City, having no press screenings for either of their only two films (the other being "Love Stinks") --which might have been a good thing! Dennis Rodman plays Simon, or rather Simon is just a screen-extention of Rodman, filled up with a bunch of hokey action, lame acting, and no style or substance whatsoever!

Writers Moshe Diamant and Rudy Cohen's idea of a script is to have Rodman as an Interpool agent (we never find out their explanation of Interpool) who is tricked into helping a doofus rent-a-cop, Nick (Dane Cook) get his bosses daughter back from an underdeveloped kidnapping. There's also a scatter-brained, underdeveloped subplot involving stolen military secret weapons, along with a bunch of nameless bad guys, and cheap fight scenes.
The only other film credit Rodman has where he isn't making a cameo as himself is "Double Team," so as an actor, he isn't close t qualifying as bankable, or really even an attention grabber.
Dane Cook, a wannabe Jim Carrey, stumbled his entire way through the film like a moron doing improv --unfunny improv! Ricky Harris, who played one of the villains (Ashton) came off like a rip-off of Rupert Everett, and where Everett is usually capable of concealing his homosexuality on screen, Harris came off like a whiny queen. And although Emma Sjoberg displayed no acting ability either, she at least came off well trained as a martial artist, looking very toned and very svelte.
Just some plot questions for director Kevin Elders ("Iron Eagle"): why change from action flick to spy flick to superhero flick, each in mid-stream? It was awfully conveinent of the plot to have a normal car suddenly morphed into a "007" wannabe. And what was the point of the monks Big Mac and Free Willy? What about the giant building being blown up at the end, which so suddenly becomes a model version, and why the fire and flames were all animated? Or why the hench-men were all running around in make-up, looking like the reject extras from "Batman" and "The Crow." Just curious!

"Simon Sez" HAS to been one of the most awful movies (if you could even call it a movie) this year. I mean, line up "Simply Irresistible," "Runaway Bomb," er, "Bride," and "Simon Sez," it really wants to make you shoot yourself, but after them, of course!

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=2222&reviewer=172
originally posted: 11/01/99 01:21:15
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User Comments

9/25/14 Jeff WIlder Simon says, avoid this movie at all cost. 1 stars
1/24/09 Greg winnings poor in every possible way. 1 stars
3/08/08 Richard John McHarrison this was one of those awful movies you just had to sit thru until the end. It blows hard 1 stars
11/24/07 Monday Morning Didn't see it but Dennis Rodman is such a scuzzy excuse for a human that I'm givin' it a... 1 stars
12/14/06 Carmen Electra laugh out loud funny(it's really bad) 1 stars
8/02/06 tommyboy Anyone that thinks Dane Cook is funny should have there head examined. This guy is a tool. 1 stars
6/16/06 nunu ass moive 5 stars
8/31/05 George Sjoberg, please make more movies. Cook, please don't. 3 stars
4/30/05 craig varney simon sez this movie sucks 1 stars
1/01/05 Delirium Tremens A movie this bad has to be seen to be believed. On second thought, just trust me. 1 stars
12/07/04 Viktor Navorsky good movie, very good movie!!! 5 stars
9/06/04 Feliciano i liked tom hanks, but gwyneth paltrow sucked in this movie 1 stars
6/13/04 Spiderfan50 To all who like it, go to jail. Do not ask why. Do not leave. Stay there forever!!! 1 stars
4/23/04 Gray to make this kind of movie should be criminal 1 stars
3/14/04 Monster W. Kung Hey Slyder, this crap actually came out in the theaters, it didn't go straight to video. 1 stars
12/20/03 Pigdaddy Truckdriver Unpretensorus title cool! 4 stars
10/04/03 Sugarfoot Laughable codswallop 1 stars
8/07/03 The main man stupid as hell but if you are locked in and there is only one channel 2 stars
11/22/02 nico33fr Just shit ! 1 stars
11/20/02 Buddha Some movies should just never be on widescreen. 1 stars
11/06/02 Cybercon Should have known it would suck, it had Dennis Rodman in it. 1 stars
8/13/02 Interrog8 Pretty Stupid 2 stars
1/04/02 Magnum Craphole THE FUNNIEST CRAP MOVIE EVER! More laughs than Plan9. 1 stars
1/01/02 Ironcross I want my hour and a half back! 1 stars
12/19/01 Katty o my god. this is awful. i mean it entertained me but its nothing special or funny... 2 stars
11/30/01 Cracked head BWAHAHAHAHAH!!! Now that was entertaining! 2 stars
11/30/01 Cookie Cutter So bad it's great. A laugh riot from start to finish. 1 stars
10/08/01 Andrew Carden Oh My God! I Can't Belive How Bad This Crap Is! 1 stars
9/25/01 Clarke The guy who read the script for this and said "hey, this would be a good movie!" needs help 1 stars
9/10/01 Rampage I'd bash this movie and kick Rodman in the grapefruits 1 stars
7/28/01 chris Dane Cook and his dinosaur part was the only thing good in this movie!!! 2 stars
7/27/01 Crisis Management Might well be the worst movie I've ever seen (and I've seen Plan9, Highlander II and Cobra) 1 stars
7/08/01 Caligula a close encounter with the grim reaper 1 stars
7/02/01 Boomshanka Honest to God, this was amateurish in every respect. Truly awful. 1 stars
6/23/01 Dean I will make fun of this movie to death and then some. 1 stars
5/17/01 Monster W. Kung So bad it's good. 1 stars
2/19/01 T. Sharif FUCK THIS MOVIE! 1 stars
1/15/01 Kyle Darkryder Sucks All Ass, nuff said 1 stars
11/30/00 T.Johnson.Thomas Incredibly stupid, erxcrutiatingly painful viewing a so-called super-hero? clown . 1 stars
10/18/00 Ground Zero not as stupid as Knock-Off, but still a piece wasted dreck. Damn you Rodman, damn you! 1 stars
6/29/00 PJ what, huh, um, heh? WHAT, HUH, UM, HEH, UGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
5/31/00 alfredo garcía not as bad as everybody sez, this movie has great campy moments 3 stars
10/28/99 Lame-Oh SIMON SEZ: Can you say "piece of crap"? Rodman is godawful! 1 stars
9/29/99 Orgazmo Bottom 10 Ten List here comes Simon Sez 1 stars
9/26/99 thomas ballard lesemann Rodman further proves his lack of taste with this painfully embarrassing action flick. 1 stars
9/26/99 The Lynchpyn not as pathetic as "double team," but still a piece of shit!!! 1 stars
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  24-Sep-1999 (PG-13)



Directed by
  Kevin Elders

Written by
  Kevin Elders

  Dennis Rodman
  John Pinette
  Ricky Harris
  Dane Cook

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