by Greg Muskewitz
"Simon Sez," to my knowledge, was a completely unpublicised film here in San Diego. The film's distributor, Independent Artists, must also be unfamiliar with America's Finest City, having no press screenings for either of their only two films (the other being "Love Stinks") --which might have been a good thing!
Dennis Rodman plays Simon, or rather Simon is just a screen-extention of Rodman, filled up with a bunch of hokey action, lame acting, and no style or substance whatsoever!Writers Moshe Diamant and Rudy Cohen's idea of a script is to have Rodman as an Interpool agent (we never find out their explanation of Interpool) who is tricked into helping a doofus rent-a-cop, Nick (Dane Cook) get his bosses daughter back from an underdeveloped kidnapping. There's also a scatter-brained, underdeveloped subplot involving stolen military secret weapons, along with a bunch of nameless bad guys, and cheap fight scenes.
"Even worse than 'Double Team,' and this doesn't even have Van Dam"
The only other film credit Rodman has where he isn't making a cameo as himself is "Double Team," so as an actor, he isn't close t qualifying as bankable, or really even an attention grabber.
Dane Cook, a wannabe Jim Carrey, stumbled his entire way through the film like a moron doing improv --unfunny improv! Ricky Harris, who played one of the villains (Ashton) came off like a rip-off of Rupert Everett, and where Everett is usually capable of concealing his homosexuality on screen, Harris came off like a whiny queen. And although Emma Sjoberg displayed no acting ability either, she at least came off well trained as a martial artist, looking very toned and very svelte.
Just some plot questions for director Kevin Elders ("Iron Eagle"): why change from action flick to spy flick to superhero flick, each in mid-stream? It was awfully conveinent of the plot to have a normal car suddenly morphed into a "007" wannabe. And what was the point of the monks Big Mac and Free Willy? What about the giant building being blown up at the end, which so suddenly becomes a model version, and why the fire and flames were all animated? Or why the hench-men were all running around in make-up, looking like the reject extras from "Batman" and "The Crow." Just curious!"Simon Sez" HAS to been one of the most awful movies (if you could even call it a movie) this year. I mean, line up "Simply Irresistible," "Runaway Bomb," er, "Bride," and "Simon Sez," it really wants to make you shoot yourself, but after them, of course!
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originally posted: 11/01/99 01:21:15