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Overall Rating
3.24

Awesome32.35%
Worth A Look: 20.59%
Just Average: 11.76%
Pretty Crappy: 8.82%
Sucks: 26.47%

2 reviews, 56 user ratings


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Mortal Kombat
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by EricDSnider

"Repetitive action and flat characters are building blocks for a bad movie."
1 stars

If the movie "Mortal Kombat" were a character in a "Mortal Kombat" video game, its special maneuver would be to take off its pants, climb onto its opponent's shoulders, and defecate on its opponent's head. Figuratively, this is what the movie does to the audience. I think it would be satisfying, somehow, to see it happen literally (to someone else).

The film is based on a series of video games that I recall playing once or twice as a teen-ager. I now have a job and a house and therefore don't play video games, but I recall enough about "Mortal Kombat" to know that I don't know why it's spelled with a "K." Perhaps the Russians are involved? No, that's not it; these are Asians, normally known for their spelling agility.

At any rate, the film begins with techno music greeting the viewer. Except I think "assaulted" would be a better verb, as it seems the only one appropriate when describing techno music in any context. "Badgered" or "harassed" might also work. I picture the techno music running up to you and screaming at the top of its lungs while it slaps you in the face, repeatedly and rhythmically. Are the people who play video games the same people who listen to techno music? I think they are quite opposite groups of people, in fact, and I don't think they ought to be mixed.

But we have gotten off track, and we have barely started. After the barrage of techno music, the movie shows us a man who looks like the host of "Iron Chef" whose name is Shang Tsung (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa). He has just slain young Chan Kang (Steven Ho) and now points to the viewer and says, "Your brother's soul is mind. You will be next."

Before you even have time to puzzle over the fact that the deceased clearly is not your brother, the movie reveals that Iron Chef was actually talking to Liu Kang (Robin Shou), and he was doing it via a dream. The very hairful Liu is all sweaty and awake now, and damned if he's not going to avenge his brother's death.

Meanwhile, in Hong Kong, a cop (or something) named Sonya Blade (Bridgette Wilson) is hot on the trail of Kano (Trevor Goddard), who only has one eye and who killed her partner. Perhaps this is why Sonya is always making a face as if she has smelled something horrid -- but no, actually, that can be ascribed to Sonya being played by Bridgette Wilson, who is always making that face and who is by far the least-attractive, least-competent actress ever to be described as "lovely and talented." Kano is in league with Iron Chef and plans to lure her into Iron Chef's clutches, Iron Chef apparently having a thing for shrill, talentless harpies.

Meanwhile, in Hollywood, an action star named Johnny Cage (Linden Ashby) is miffed because the tabloids are saying he's not actually any good at martial arts. (The tabloids are mum on his minimal acting ability.) He gets a chance to prove himself, though, when he's invited to a mysterious competition that will take place in the Far East which he must attend by getting on a leaky boat which leaves from a pier immediately. What's to think about? He's there!

Turns out the competition is hosted by none other than Iron Chef, and he has assembled his dream team of opponents: Johnny has arrived from Hollywood, Sonya has chased Kano there, and Liu is looking for revenge and a good conditioner. Why he wants these three in particular is something the movie probably explained when my mind had wandered elsewhere, which means it could have happened during about 87 of the film's 90 minues.

This trio of hotheads, of whom only Liu has any actual martial arts skill, remind me of the people I know in real life who are always fighting, i.e., they are belligerent and stupid. Seems like if you go around looking for fights, you're bound to find them. If you go around being easy-going and peaceful, you will probably never have to fight anyone. It serves them right that everyone is always beating the crap out of them, is my point, with their attitude like it is.

Since the video games have supernatural characters like Sub-Zero and Scorpion, the movie has them, too. There's also a big monsterish fellow with four arms, and a 10,000-year-old princess named Kitana whose function in the film is to be both hot and uninteresting (but hot).

Also, there's a mystical Lord Rayden (Christopher Lambert) who never speaks, only hisses. He's a good guy, but for some reason he doesn't have the power to stop Iron Chef, whose mission, we learn, is to take over the earth with his army of martial arts soldiers. The arbitrary rules of the universe said Iron Chef only has to win 10 matches, and he's won nine so far. The competition he invited everybody to -- which he calls Mortal Combat, though I'm assuming he's pronouncing it with a "K" -- will be the 10th. Long story short, good guys have to win the match, or else Earth is invaded. But no pressure! Just relax and do your best, guys.

It's pretty oddly organized, as tournaments go. Some of the matches occur in plain sight on a nice beach, while Johnny Cage inexplicably finds himself in the woods, fighting against Scorpion, who has a snake coming out of his hand, as befitting a man called Sna-- (No, wait, Scorpion. Huh. I don't know, then.) Then, mysteriously, there are some battles that occur indoors, perhaps due to inclement weather on the beach.

I like the part where the trio are looking for Kitana, I forget why, and Johnny insists she went a particular way. But as they're "following" her, they're cutting through massive spider webs, which means she obviously didn't go that way, unless she has the power to pass through spider webs without breaking them.

Which she very well may. Unusual superpowers are the norm here, and it's part of what makes the film so ridiculous. Martial-arts fighting is one thing, but superheroes pounding the crap out of each other gets old. There's a scene early on where a suitcase gets dropped into the water, and then it sinks. This is the only cause-and-effect incident in the film that is at all realistic. (If you dropped a heavy suitcase in the water, it really WOULD sink.) The rest of the time, you have people who fly across the room after being punched, rather than just falling down. You have people who can leap several feet straight up, instead of only a couple. Human anatomy, physics, probability -- all these laws are abused in "Mortal Kombat." Gravity especially takes a savage beating.

I also like the part where Iron Chef morphs ('cause he can do that) into Liu's dead brother RIGHT IN FRONT OF LIU, and then expects him to be fooled into thinking it's really his brother. How stupid does he think Liu is? As stupid as the people who made this film? Impossible. Now get off my shoulders, please, I'd like to go wash up.

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=2345&reviewer=247
originally posted: 06/17/02 19:08:26
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User Comments

2/18/13 the truth Yes. paragraph 2 IS how the game itself feels. Loved it when i was 10. 3 stars
11/12/10 PAUL SHORTT MINDLESS, VIOLENT, WEAK AND THIN 1 stars
9/22/10 bored mom A bad copy of Enter the Dragon. Still beats the Street Fighter shitfuck, though. 2 stars
5/30/10 Jeff Wilder Better than most video game based movies (faint praise I know). 4 stars
4/01/09 Erix It is what it is... For what it is, it could have been a lot worse. 3 stars
8/18/08 Shaun Wallner This movie has some great scenes in it. 5 stars
12/14/07 Jason Visually good but far too cliched. More a rental. 3 stars
7/08/07 Alex A good movie which has a great cast. 5 stars
6/30/07 Sugarfoot This is the best movie to be made about a video games. Which says very little indeed. 3 stars
6/21/07 David Cohen The best movie ever based on a video game, and it still sucks 2 stars
10/22/06 WTF nobody should bash this film. This is the only true-to-game movie ever. "Finish Him!" 5 stars
4/06/06 Aldo not bad...not to be taken seriously.. 4 stars
3/27/06 Brian Meyer Plot from "Enter the Dragon:" Outdated effects. But fighting and costumes rule!!!!!!! 5 stars
1/22/06 Ronin I remember I was very surprised that it turned out to be pretty OK. Surprisingly good. 4 stars
1/13/06 JM Synth Best VG movie, well structured, lots of fun but they shoud have cast martial artists 5 stars
12/21/05 cody a good action flick that really pushes the envelope, great characters and fights scenes 4 stars
7/21/05 Jordan I love this movie sub zero should have never took his mask off and scorpions spear was bad 5 stars
7/17/05 Brandy Harrington Terrible film! 1 stars
6/09/05 Indrid Cold Terrible, although for a video game based movie, I suppose it's OK> 2 stars
9/04/04 jeff the blond chick is hot, music is good. movie is for kids though. 4 stars
8/04/04 Chris It's pretty good 4 stars
6/03/04 Daveman One does need a sense of humor to watch this. Othwerise, steer clear at all costs! 1 stars
4/24/04 dj menace it kick ass 5 stars
4/13/04 ANNAMARIA IT WAS A GREAT MOVIE 5 stars
2/22/04 Kyle The game had no plot, you expect a MOVIE to?! Awful, awful stuff. 1 stars
1/15/04 Samuel probably one of the best video game adaptations ever! 4 stars
12/09/03 john no story - TV style action - for kids that are not very demanding 2 stars
10/06/03 sanjay action ok. but it is a shit of a movie . actresses are beautiful and sexy . its more of a v 2 stars
7/25/03 3man Decent movie for a video game 4 stars
7/16/03 I Would In the tradition of Showgirls, the film is so bad, it's good. 2 stars
5/08/03 Godzillafan54 this movie kicked so much ass its not even funny 5 stars
4/08/03 JL This movie is not supposed to be taken too seriously, it's based on a video game after all. 4 stars
4/07/03 silvercheetah14 Great adaption of a video game 5 stars
2/28/03 May EricDSnider doesn't know what he is reviewing. Good movie overall! 5 stars
2/19/03 Dave A silly, carelessly directed,bad acted and poorly choreographed rip off of Enter The Dragon 1 stars
2/15/03 Mk Best MK movie hands down. Hope the third one doesn't blow 5 stars
10/27/02 Eddie Wilson FIght scenes and plot was fairly good. I'd give it 5 stars but some of the acting was sub- 4 stars
9/18/02 Terry Best video game movie come to life! 5 stars
9/01/02 Ken You people are fucking idiots. You were all probably 12 when you saw it. 1 stars
8/14/02 Tim Awesome movie that is way better than attack of the clones 5 stars
7/28/02 The Talking Elbow Great fun, nothing to think too hard about, finally christopher lambert in a role i liked 5 stars
7/11/02 .Choadushouse. How dare anyone insult this film! Amazing visuals and good characters. AWESOME fights. 5 stars
4/24/02 Julian Awesome. 5 stars
2/06/02 Zargo wicked movie, it's based on a bloody video game, why would the story line be complex!? 5 stars
11/29/01 The $1.98 Pyramid This really sticks to the game's story, altough the whole plot seems too simple. 3 stars
11/16/01 Shane Robert Myers!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the costums in this film are cheap junk, the effects are crappy & the fighting is the best! 4 stars
10/30/01 Sumixam If you like the games you will like this movie 5 stars
6/09/01 Serial_Monk_the_Jawbreaker The heavy onslaught of action, special effects, and fighting sequences make this movie fun 4 stars
4/22/01 TigerDream This movie captured the story of Mortal Kombat- I thought it had great acting and effects 5 stars
1/21/01 Diego Romero This is an excellent film,the best game translation yet 5 stars
11/28/00 The Evil Penguin Very good martial arts 4 stars
10/21/00 Jed I didn't really "hate" the game but this movie was better. 3 stars
4/27/00 Jed For what it is its actually not that bad.(Considering that I hated the game) 3 stars
3/08/00 David Rogers Totaly excelent. Not as good as Street Fighter, but great. 5 stars
2/06/00 Kyle Broflovski Good enough. True to the video game--but then agian, how hard can that be? 4 stars
10/24/99 focus not as bad as Street Fighter (which totally SUCKED!) 3 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  13-Jul-1995 (PG-13)

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