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Left Behind
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by Jaycie

"I have had it with this muthaf--kin eschatology on this muthaf--kin plane!"
1 stars

If, for whatever reason, you choose to spend two irredeemable hours watching this movie, I strongly encourage doing so with someone who knows how commercial flight works. They will explain better than I can why even the non-Biblical elements of the story make zero sense. And if you do not believe in the Rapture, Left Behind is only worth something if you are the kind of bad movie aficionado who carries large bags of plastic spoons to screenings of The Room. If that is not the case, do literally anything else with those two hours of your life.

It's a beautiful day in New York, except for the fact that the amusingly named pilot Rayford Steele (Nicolas Cage) is missing his daughter Chloe's (Cassi Thomson) homecoming so he can bone the equally amusingly named flight attendant Hattie (Nicky Whelan) upon their arrival in London. Stateside, Chloe's mother Irene (Lea Thompson) is happy to have her home so she can explain why she hasn't had a thought in the past several months except for "The Rapture is coming." And then the Rapture comes. One Duck and Cover-style flash of white light and all the children and true believers are gone, leaving only their garments behind. That includes the co-pilot and, apparently, everyone who ever worked in air traffic control, leaving a damaged plane full of wailing parents and childless stereotypes in the hands if Nicolas Cage. God help us all, indeed.

Now, chances are when you heard that Nicolas Cage headlining a remake of a much-maligned movie about the Rapture, your expectations were first to plummet into the gaping maw of Lucifer. In truth, one of his classic freak-outs would have been a major improvement, yet we don't even get a new addition to the "Nicolas Cage Losing His Shit" reel - there's nary a "HOW'D IT GET BURRRNED?!" in sight despite myriad opportunities to use it. However, there are efforts to convince us that a) he is a calming, sturdy presence and b) hot blond flight attendants are attracted to him. Ah, yes, those sunken eyes, that sagging face, the way the light glistens on his ever-expanding forehead . . . sploosh.

OK, I'm being mean. In truth, the Cager is not the worst human being on screen. There's Martin Klebba as a resentful dwarf who serves no purpose other than being a resentful dwarf. There's Lance E. Nichols as a pastor who did not get Raptured for a reason I won't even dignify by typing out. Worst of all, there's Cage's son, played by Major Dodson, who . . . well, let me describe his acting this way: In one scene in which he receives a baseball glove as a present, my partner turned to me and said, "I'll try catching! That's a good trick!"

What else can I possibly say? Any attempt to persuade viewers to give themselves to Christ, if that was the filmmakers' objective, is lost in a hellstew of phoned-in acting, atrocious dialogue and completely implausible plot points. Director Vic Armstrong has no evident sense of tone, resulting in a constant undercurrent of hilarity for those capable of mining humor from terrible cinema. The contribution of screenwriters Paul LaLonde and John Patus ends in a pair of lines so cliché, you'd think moments earlier, someone had kept moving despite an explosion mere feet away – oh, wait, that happened. In every respect, Left Behind is so poorly conceived that it looks like its own joke: a cheap way to give Cage a teense of help with his massive debt load.

On the upside, if recent global events have prompted Satan to eagerly await a new shipment of souls, he has a brand-new way to punish them for all eternity: by showing them this movie.

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=26704&reviewer=432
originally posted: 10/07/14 11:52:01
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User Comments

10/07/14 Monster W. Kung Nicolas Cage in a fundamentalist Christian movie about The Rapture... LOL! 1 stars
10/03/14 jervaise brooke hamster Nicolas Cage is great because he is straight. 5 stars
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  03-Oct-2014 (PG-13)
  DVD: 06-Jan-2015


  DVD: 06-Jan-2015

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