Troll 2

Reviewed By David Cornelius
Posted 11/14/07 12:47:31

"Nilbog. That's awesome."
1 stars (Sucks)

Not only does “Troll 2” have nothing to do with “Troll 1,” but it has nothing to do with trolls.

Let me repeat that. A movie that has the word “troll” in the title and is passing itself off as a sequel to a movie about trolls has nothing to do with trolls. The film is instead all about goblins. But instead of calling it “Goblins,” they called it “Troll 2.”

Pardon me while my head explodes.

In addition to having no connection to its own damn title, “Troll 2” also features some of the worst acting you’ll ever have the pleasure of seeing, combined with a screenplay that gives new meaning to the word inept and special effects that skyrocketed the budget into the dozens of dollars.

The film opens with Joshua (Michael Stephenson), the world’s creepiest kid, listening to a fairy tale told by Seth (Robert Ormsby), the world’s creepiest grandpa. It turns out Seth’s been dead for months, only he keeps visiting Joshua to warn him about goblins, which are very real and very evil. It’s too bad, then, that Joshua’s family has agreed to take part in a “vacation exchange,” where they’ll switch houses with another family for a month. The city folks get to move out to the country, while some country family gets to move to the suburbs. What a holiday.

The country house in question sits in the sleepy town of Nilbog. I’ll give you a few seconds to think about the town’s name. All caught up? Do we all get the stupid joke? Good. Let’s continue. (For those of you who still haven’t gotten it, Joshua explains it very slowly and very loudly near the end of the picture.)

The way goblins operate, you see, is that they trick people into eating food covered in some kind of green slime, which will then turn them into “half-human, half-plant” beings, which is what the goblins like to eat. But only Joshua knows this, and how can he keep his family from eating the delicious green slime?

He pees on the kitchen table.

Of course.

Meanwhile, teenage Elliott (Jason Wright) and his moronic buddies have followed the family to Nilbog so Elliott can be closer to - and, fingers crossed, have sex with - Joshua’s big sister, Holly (Connie McFarland). These boys are a little slow on the uptake, so much so that when the dopiest one follows a screaming woman into a mysterious house, only to meet the evil goblin-witch queen (Deborah Reed), he never tries to leave. Instead, he watches as the screaming woman he followed inside gets turned into a half- human, half-plant thing. And he still does not try to leave. Instead, he looks at the goblins, who have begun their feast of sorts, and says, rather loudly, “They’re eating her! And then they’re going to eat me!!” And yet he still does not try to leave.

I don’t blame the guy for not being frightened of the goblins, however. They’re nothing more than little people dressed up in potato sacks, with pillows improperly stuffed underneath to give the appearance of misshaped guts, and with oversized, store-bought, completely immobile Halloween masks on their heads. That the filmmakers did not try to make their creatures anything more than this would baffle me, had I not seen how awful the rest of the film is.

Take the acting. (Please!! Ha ha. Yes. Ahem. Nilbog!) Captured on film for all the world to see is a cast that defies a proper adjective. Horrid? Shameful? Untalented? Ridiculously bad? Laughably amatuerish? Unbearably, unwatchably dreadful? Nope, not even the adverbs help here. To this cast, reciting the lines isn’t merely a task; it’s a chore. The impression falls somewhere between lousy junior high drama production and people still working on mastering English as their fourth language.

As bad as they are, there’s just no topping the screenplay, penned by Claudio Fragasso, who also directed under the pseudonym “Drako Floyd.” Outstanding. Anyway, the script fails to make any sense on any level, although it does try to wallow in its own perceived cleverness (one character’s name is “Gene Freak,” which is about as subtle as naming the town “Nilbog”). The silliness of the plot overloads in the final scenes, where - and please, skip to the next paragraph if you don’t want this movie spoiled for you - we learn the master plan of defeating the goblins and their witch-goblin queen involves a bologna sandwich and touching a large rock. I’d like to say there’s more to it than that, but there ain’t. Well, the big rock is from Stonehenge, and it’s called the “Stonehenge Magic Stone,” but that’s about it. Eat bologna, touch rock, world is saved. Sigh.

“Troll 2” is a consistent top ranker on the Internet Movie Database’s poll of the worst movies ever made, keeping a solid hold in the top (bottom?) ten, somewhere alongside “Manos, the Hands of Fate,” “Space Mutiny,” and the unrelated “Hobgoblins.” I usually don’t put stock in those IMDB polls, but this time, the list is pretty much right on the nose. “Troll 2” is one of the most inane, incompetent, and incoherent films I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen a lot of inane, incompetent, and incoherent movies. And as Bad Movies go, this is one of the funniest, with a new bit of laughable stupidity slapping you in the face every minute.

Thank you, Drako Floyd, for making us laugh at goblins... again.

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