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Overall Rating
2.76

Awesome: 11.76%
Worth A Look41.18%
Just Average: 0%
Pretty Crappy: 5.88%
Sucks41.18%

2 reviews, 5 user ratings


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Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
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by Rob Gonsalves

"Great-looking but god-awful."
1 stars

I can’t quite bring myself to convince you that the entire two hours and seventeen minutes of "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets" are worth sitting through for Rihanna’s appearance some eighty minutes in.

Soon enough, she becomes a blue blob and later turns to dust. But she’s fun while she lasts, as a shape-shifting performer named Bubble who helps the titular hero, Major Valerian (Dane DeHaan), rescue his captured partner Sergeant Laureline (Cara Delevingne). For twenty minutes or so, Rihanna is a suavely fierce nonactress adding some welcome grit and personality to a mix that includes far too many aliens and special effects, far too little humanity.

Valerian is great-looking but awful, a combination that has sadly become the stock in trade of the once-impressive Luc Besson (Leon, The Fifth Element, Lucy). Those who found The Fifth Element a jocular piece of futuristic excess but a bit on the empty-calorie side won’t find much to plug into here; the meaning of the movie is simply to get Valerian and Laureline from one hectic, shiny set piece to the next, barely stopping for a breath or even a scenery-chewing villain performance from the likes of Gary Oldman (who brightened Leon and Fifth Element). Here we get only the grouchy Clive Owen as our heroes’ commander, who gives orders to wipe out an entire species of alien pearl farmers, one of whom stows away in Valerian’s body after dying.

Look, I could go on discussing plot points to prove I saw the film, but you’ll just have to trust me. Valerian has tons of plot but no real story to speak of; our heroes hurtle to and fro to get justice for the aliens, and that’s all there is to it. The movie is so pointlessly eventful and convoluted, though, that it feels more complicated than it is. It doesn’t help than DeHaan and Delevingne have zero chemistry or presence; DeHaan has a gruff dudebro voice like Keanu Reeves’, only without Keanu’s soulfulness, and Delevingne often just seems vaguely inconvenienced, glassy-eyed with indifference for the material. (The two have matching hollow pouts, and they both have arrogantly unmusical voices.) DeHaan does bestir himself when trading lines with Rihanna, though that just serves to prove he has a pulse. Bubble's boss, called Jolly the Pimp, is given a naughty twinkle by Ethan Hawke, but he’s not around for long, either. (I tend to think Hawke opened the script, saw his character’s name, and signed on just on the strength of being able to play a character called Jolly the Pimp.)

What we get here instead of interesting humans is a flock of CGI aliens (the one voiced by John Goodman is amusingly stern) and various scenes of the heroes’ spaceship streaking heedlessly through space, or through trippy environments, and for minutes at a time we might as well be watching animation demo footage unconnected to any context of any interest. Valerian may be welcomed as eye candy by kids and by aficionados of controlled substances, but it offers nothing for someone who merely buckles in for a good time at the movies. Besson also no longer knows what to do with interesting humans when he has them. Rutger Hauer is tossed aside after punching his time card for what our British actor friends call a cough and a spit role; Herbie Hancock is in it, mostly seen as a hologram scolding the heroes. An international cast mumbles stale dialogue in person or as the voices of aliens.

The overstuffed yet empty Valerian is nothing new, of course; we’ve been getting this sort of flatulent, pricey “entertainment” for decades, and it’s not going to end any time soon. Every so often a Get Out or a Wonder breaks out, because it scratches a previously neglected itch, or it speaks to people. Valerian and its ilk speak to no one, although they are engineered to appeal across continents, languages, cultures. Everyone understands things blowing up. Yet you have to drive out of your way for an hour to see, say, a French film for grown-ups (Valerian is based on French comics), while plastic junk like this blurts onto 3,500 screens in America — then slinks off after nine weeks having made back a fraction of its cost.

Its failure in America (and in general, worldwide) would be encouraging if we didn’t still get a hundred movies like it every year.

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=29777&reviewer=416
originally posted: 11/22/17 18:26:41
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OFFICIAL SELECTION: 2017 Fantasia International Film Festival For more in the 2017 Fantasia International Film Festival series, click here.

User Comments

12/06/17 Tony Nguyen Super enjoyable and has Rihanna so what more could you want? 4 stars
11/27/17 clout maybe the worst movie ever made 1 stars
11/25/17 Bob Dog Space opera masterpiece that will be appreciated in the fullness of time. 5 stars
11/23/17 Chris Jarmick A truly astonishing masterpiece, quite astounding. 5 stars
8/28/17 the truth Umm, no. 2 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  21-Jul-2017 (PG-13)
  DVD: 21-Nov-2017

UK
  02-Aug-2017 (12A)

Australia
  10-Aug-2017 (M)
  DVD: 21-Nov-2017


Directed by
  Luc Besson

Written by
  Luc Besson

Cast
  Cara Delevingne
  Ethan Hawke
  Clive Owen
  John Goodman
  Dane DeHaan
  Rutger Hauer



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