Thirteen Days was pulled out of the theater nearby, and I was pissed off, but my three friends heard of this movie, and the previews they saw aimed at a cool comedy. Not so, and after the movie finished, yeah, we laughed, but most of the time at the fucking movie, not with it. In the end, my friends and I were so pissed off and disgusted at this film that we drove off with some sense of anger and sickness. I even started to get a headache afterwards. But I personally though it was the most stupid, most fucked up comedy I've seen in my life. Apart from the ruling sexual innuendo, and despite some sporadic good moments, I felt pretty much like I've seen a shitty edited, soft core porno flick than a comedy, and as time passed, I felt more angry for being cheated by this fucking film, that I wanted my money and my two hours of my life back.So the movie starts with Wayne (Steve Zahn) introducing his pals through the TV, since they were kids. They are J.D. (Jack Black), and good ol' Darren Silverman (Jason Biggs). First of all, it would have been better if the movie was called "Saving Darren," but hey, who gives a fuck? Moving on, we also see how they used to be in their teens, and how they behaved. We learn that Darren was the shy guy, always getting beat up by girls (weird, huh?), and joining the cheerleaders while in high school (Don't ask me how). J.D. is the type of supportive guy, we see him as the mascot of the team, again in high school. And finally Wayne, the more craziest of the three, also the most defensive, being on the football team, being pushed around by the Coach (R. Lee Ermey), and also defending his friends every time something went wrong. Also going in as an Animal Catcher, in which the scene of him chasing a raccoon is one of the worth-seeing scenes in the film. Finally, they grow up, and they are still the same type of jerks that they were when they were young (Coke can shaking), and faithful fanatics of Neil Diamond, in fact, they admire him that much that they form a tribute band, and play his music. Still, J.D. and Wayne baffle Darren to go out and date a girl, but for Darren, "the right girl" was a girl called Sandy (Amanda Detmer), whom she met in high school, and then suddenly left, so since then he's been dreaming of her. That I believe explains to some point his shyness. But then again, they persuade him again to date any beautiful girl. Then they see a girl sitting by them, Judith (Amanda Peet). Wayne arranges for Darren to hit on her. She at first doesn't want to, but in the end by necessity she agrees. The relationship is formed, they have sex they get engaged, but the relationship is very plastic, you'll notice that. After a disastrous visit to his two old friends, Judith forbids him to visit them, and also forbids him to listen to Neil Diamond, the last one enforced by burning his records. Of course she's a psychologist, a martial arts specialist and almost shows off almost all of the time her fucking breasts!!! J.D. and Wayne see that she's breaking the friendship apart, and they must do something before she marries Darren, because Judith is just using Darren.
"An Absolute Shitbag"
Judith: He is like a pet; I'm the pet master
But soon they find out that Sandy is back in the city, with the purpose of finishing his studies to be a nun, so they're going to try anything possible to bring Darren back to his old true love and to the old way it was. That means either kidnapping Judith, or faking her own death, and so on, so on.
One of the first problems that we see in the movie is that Darren behaves most of the time like some jerk, and gets worse in the end. He doesn't seem to know what the hell is going on around him, and it also seems like he doesn't give a shit about his relationship with Judith, which doesn't show any love, or in the later part, with Sandy. Furthermore Judith manipulates him all the time. He even lets her into his most personal things (Neil Diamond Records), but yeah, for him, getting laid is what matters. Bullshit, I've not seen any silly comedy that has depicted that, except Love Potion #9, but at least that one had a reason, but this one doesn't, unless Darren was born a total fuckhead.
At first the movie starts well, with some scenes of comedy that will make you laugh, but the original humor scenes are sporadic. Still, they are the funniest of the movie. Just watch the scene thatís halfway through the movie where Darren (still obsessed by Judith) gets electro-shocked. But soon, and for most of the time, the humor gets more crude up to the point that showing a woman's almost bare breasts in many occasions and a butt-naked person, is supposedly funny. Sure, a silly joke can come along in time, but if you go on and on with the same shit it gets annoying, and in some cases stupid. There's also some scenes where the humor is forcibly made, up to the point of being unfunny and very disgusting, like the coach stabbing the referee for touchdown that wasn't, or seeing Darren's "plastic butt surgery", where they show the silicon being placed on his ass to make it bigger, or even worse, at the end, bring Neil Diamond along for the ride. Sure, he helps in the last part, but there's no fun in it, instead you either sigh in disappointment. Why? Now I know Neil Diamond is a great singer/songwriter, but sorry to break it to you Neil, you suck at acting. It was also pretty insulting that this move made fun of Neil Diamond in a way that by giving him a shitful of one-liners, and with his poor acting, it compels us more to laugh at him, than to glorify him, all that thanks to the stupid part that he gets. Wrong career move Neil. And worse, you should be suing these guys for making fun of you that way. Don't forget your burning records.
Again, most of the movies scenes are full of sexual innuendo, thanks to the ever showing women's breasts of both Judith and Sandy (mostly Judith), and a Carlís Jr. rip-off only not in the pavement, but in Judith. That I think, probably gives the one of many reasons why a horny teenager would like to see this show. And with the homosexuality banging in the end (No, I wont tell you, you find out), it brings you more of a sense of homesickness rather than being funny. The movie also makes fun of the convent up to the point of being silly and plain stupid. Sandy meets Darren for a date, and she's wearing her nun uniform, sure, from top to waist is alright, but while going down she's wearing a miniskirt!!! What the fuck is it with that? Did the producers of this movie want us to show us her beautiful legs? For what? To desire her? To make us feel horny? And also, showing all the "recruits" in the nunnery doing exercises with weights? Sure, were going to beat the shit outta Satan, aren't we? And also see the head nun swearing just because Sandy didn't join the convent, and Sandy having out-loud thoughts of sex in the fucking convent? What the hell? I thought it was making more fun of the catholic church in am insulting way than trying to bring us some good laughter. And then when Darren finds out what Wayne and J.D. did, that he beats the shit out of them, and throws them down from the porch into Sandy's car. The car gets completely totaled, with the hood and the roof all smashed in. Plllleeeeeaaaaaassssseeeeee!!!!!!! Now that was fucking exaggerating. Sure it brought laughs, but I was laughing more at the stupidity of the scene than with the scene. Itís okay that a movie skips away from reality from time to time, but it should always do it within reason, and not go to extremes and exaggerate the entire fucking thing. Not even a fat person like J.D. would smash that roof in, and much less Wayne's skinny physical will smash the hood, and much less from the little height in which they were thrown. It would have worked if they were thrown off from the second floor of the house, but just a few feet from the ground, you've got to be shitting me. In fact they would have broken bones from the type of damage it caused, but they walk away unscathed. Yeah, thatís Hollywood at its best, isnít it? And unfortunately, some wildly exaggerated parts will be showing up during the lapse of the film that will make you laugh more at it than with it.
What's worse, the acting was pissed poor, and basically the characters that the actors portrayed were disgraceful and unlikable, like Judith, who is nothing but a bitchy dominatrix slut, Wayne and J.D. are just a bunch of lousy sick fucks, even worse than Darren, and Sandy like Judith is also a fucking slut with a not so much of a golden heart. All of this thanks to the lame directing by Dennis Dugan (Happy Gilmore), and the shitty script by Hank Nelken and Greg DePaul. I think they needed to work more on the script because it was mostly stupid and idiotic with little originality for jokes. And it would have been better, I think, if this movie was rated R, or NC-17, because there was too much sex on a PG-13 movie, and if they edited it, then I guess they should have left it, probably that would have made it interesting, which I doubt it. But also watching this type of PG-13 movie, it makes you think on how far is the MPAA going to allow this type of shit to get in the minds of young kids, up to the point of filling heir little minds with a bunch of waste that will simply degenerate them more 'cause this trash is certainly not appropriate to them.In the end, if you want to risk it, or feel the need of masturbating to some sex-filled flick, then just go watch it only for the beginning AND the middle, then walk away. But I strongly recommend you to stay away from this fucking piece of shit. Believe me its not worth it. Go see some ordinary date movie or a porno movie if you want to, but don't go watch this!!!
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originally posted: 02/10/01 00:30:25