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Overall Rating
2.12

Awesome: 12.8%
Worth A Look: 8%
Just Average: 12%
Pretty Crappy: 12.8%
Sucks54.4%

8 reviews, 77 user ratings



Valentine
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by Erik Childress

"The Best Revenge Is Living Well...And Killing Everybody"
1 stars

Does Variety, the entertainment Bible for professionals in the industry, do their job anymore? Do newspapers in California print the ads and reviews for movies anymore? If they still do, then how can one explain how studios in Hollywood continue to spew out the same old vomitous masses of celluloid when they should realize that their time has passed?

In the last 5 years, we’ve all seen (or at least heard about) the Scream trilogy, an on-the-mark satire of the horror genre that was even good enough to drum up more than a few scares. Last summer, we experienced the Wayans’ Scary Movie, a parody of a satire that took all the ingrained cliches and spoofed them to the raunchiest end. You would think the slasher film would rest in peace…at least for awhile. After the Zuckers brought us Airplane, it took 16 years before the multiplexes were attacked with a barrage of disaster pictures. This time, it’s only 7 months. Babies are still waiting to be born and yet here we are in February with the latest masked killer opus named after a themed holiday. And frankly, those babies must be the target audience of Valentine, because their unformed intellect suits (and surpasses) the brains that it took to make this film.

Thirteen years ago, a nerdy looking boy (complete with glasses and zits) gets rejected by nearly every girl at the school dance. One girl tells him “maybe later”. He smiles and then asks the chubby girl to cut a rug. Instead they swap spit underneath the bleachers only to be later caught. When the fattie is more embarrassed about her tongue locking with the school dork than her own appearance, she feeds him to the wolves (instead of eating him herself), practically accusing him of rape. This leads to a beating and a stripping and some laughing and you can see where this is going.

Flash forward to the scene that sums up the stupidity of Valentine. Shelley (Katherine Heigl) is doing some late-night work at the morgue after a disastrous date. Her cold, blue, dead cadaver lies on her table. She hears a noise and goes to investigate, naturally turning out to be nothing. Are you ahead of me yet? She comes back to make her first incision into the body, when the chest expands in a breath. As she freaks out, the body disappears and about a minute later appears the stalking killer, now fully clothed, complete with a long coat and a cupid mask. How did he get dressed so fast? Why did he strip down to imitate a cadaver when he was at risk of getting cut? Why does Shelley think it’s a good idea to hide in a body bag?

Well, she dies. And in true Big Chill fashion, it brings together her old school chums. There’s the slutty bitch, Paige (Denise Richards), the dumb blond Lily (Jessica Cauffiel, fresh from Urban Legends: Final Cut), the fattie-turned-hottie Dottie, I mean, Dorothy (Jessica Capshaw, Kate’s daughter) and the “maybe later” nice girl, Kate (Marley Shelton). Kate is dating hunky, on-again/off-again-alcoholic sportswriter, Adam (David Boreanaz of TV’s Angel) and the others all have their little boytoys as well. Soon enough, each one of them starts receiving psychotic valentine cards signed “JM” and through the most remarkable examples of intuition since the Reichstag fire, they conclude it must be that dorkus Jeremy Melton.

Of course, none of the characters are branded with the initials “JM” (except for one) so someone must have changed their name, right? Well, maybe. Either way, the motive for the killing spree is both obvious and murky. If it is Jeremy, why’d he wait so long? And why does he only go after the girls? Sure they turned him down and made fun of him, but it was the boys who stripped him down to his skivvies and kicked the crap out of him. The boys are never mentioned again. And if it isn’t Jeremy, what would be the point?

Quality kills, I guess. And for my money, I was rooting for Cupid and shouldn’t the audience too? We may not approve of his methods, but we can certainly sympathize with Jeremy and the hurt he felt on that gym floor in a rejected bloody pulp. We get nine kills including a hot iron to the face, electrocution, an axe to the back (where the actor essentially reacts as if he’s taking a dump), glass impaling and my favorite, the Cupid stand-by, the bow-and-arrow. And how can you not root for the killer? All the female characters are written incredibly flat, but not presented that way, as every shot of them dares the projectionist to frame out the bustline. Still, not one nude scene from any of the major players. Denise Richards in a bikini is the best they can do. Apparently, Valentine is a stepping stone to respectability for her. Good career move, Denise.

A lot of big names amongst the youngsters are to be found here. And while, not a single one of them can be commended in their script choice on this one, the oddest element of Valentine is not its complete absence of suspense, its unbelievable inconsistencies, or a lack of more than a single rootable character, its that the acting is surprisingly…not that bad. David Boreanaz shows that given the right role in a decent comedy, could pull off the charming lead. The same goes for Marley Shelton (Pleasantville, Sugar and Spice) and even Jessica Capshaw. Denise Richards is certainly no thespian and probably doesn’t even know what that word means, but she can play this kind of role with her shirt off (and often does).

One could easily expect Valentine to be a bad film. One could go as far to use the word, suck, in their explanation. But in the hands of director unextraordinaire Jamie Blanks, Valentine sucks, blows, bites, and eats even by crappy horror film standards. Partially in part to what is conceivably one of the worst screenplays ever written by, believe it or not, FOUR SCREENWRITERS, that was even adapted from a novel! Blanks is so untalented that he resorts to giving Brian DePalma a taste of his own Hitchcockian medicine by referencing Carrie (punch gets poured on Jeremy like the pig’s blood) and Body Double (the mega-sized power drill). And even if it were written before Boreanaz were cast, who decided to keep in the explanation of his character by saying “he’s no angel?” Frankly, who cares?

Valentine is the worst kind of horror film. It doesn’t scare. Its kills are uninspired. And it doesn’t even acknowledge the cliched ridiculousness of its own existence. That makes it and its creators arrogant time wasters.

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=4717&reviewer=198
originally posted: 02/08/01 18:53:30
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User Comments

2/13/17 morris campbell ok the last shot was cool though 2 stars
10/25/09 Leo Cupid Michael Myers87 I loved this horror movie, also loved the creepy Cupid Rubber Mask. Make Sequels 5 stars
5/26/09 mr.mike Pretty decent time-killer , Richards was hot. 3 stars
9/02/08 Shaun Wallner Interesting storyline. 4 stars
11/17/07 David Pollastrini good gore! 4 stars
8/13/06 Sharon If david boreanaz wasnt in this movie it would prolly self destruct! 1 stars
8/08/06 Doreen It was ok, didn't care a lot for it. It could've been better! 3 stars
2/15/05 American Slasher Goddess Bland and generic crap 1 stars
11/03/04 freddy krugar how can u luvthis shit and hate mine 1 stars
8/06/04 Anthony G fucking halloween ripoff 1 stars
7/27/04 Mike Devans Horrible 1 stars
7/27/04 Jack Sommersby Well-photographed but inert and listless and boring. 1 stars
7/26/04 Bob Morrow Crap 1 stars
3/13/04 Paul Carone BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 1 stars
3/10/04 Colin Dumbe, Stupid And Incredibly Pointless, Jaimie "Shooting" Blanks Indeed 1 stars
3/01/04 blue really went nowhere 3 stars
2/15/04 homer i have more fun whacking off to a sears catalog 1 stars
2/03/04 Chad Foster Go Denise 5 stars
1/03/04 Mariah I love the movie,David rocks! 5 stars
1/01/04 Katie Boring! 1 stars
1/01/04 HELLOWEEN I just wish Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees went there and kicked the cupid's ass 1 stars
12/11/03 Doofus one of the worst horror movies ever, they should'nt even call this horror! 1 stars
11/24/03 Thiago I thought Valentine was good. Not really original, but still ok 4 stars
9/30/03 Jake Makes A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge Look Like High Art 1 stars
9/17/03 Samuel Justus Story ok, but acting was not! 3 stars
9/02/03 Charles Tatum When did we time warp back to 1982? 1 stars
6/14/03 Alice I loved it. Good humor, WAX IT ! Denise is great in this one. 5 stars
3/30/03 Paul Coleman Not even Denise Richards could save this DOG. Really awful. 1 stars
1/01/03 Chowie um, yeah, right..... 2 stars
8/16/02 scott great 5 stars
6/30/02 Vitality1 Only watching David B. made this movie worth it 3 stars
5/18/02 Sin hahaha... Yuna from Final Fantasy X dies in this movie. Serious! 2 stars
5/15/02 The Velcro Warlock Refreshing slasher variation. Veronica F, there's no such word as fuckwad! 4 stars
5/14/02 Blake This movie was really scary 5 stars
4/29/02 CAT don't know like this film, unscary and boring, not even David B could make it good 2 stars
4/25/02 NWO4LIFE Good beginning and ending, but dull inbetween. 3 stars
3/11/02 Crisa S The chickz in this film is the onli thing worth looking at...... MMMMM denise richards.... 5 stars
3/05/02 Veronica Foxx aka The Raven-Haired Temptress I wish Cupid's arrow would puncture the hearts of these fuckwads and kill them all! 1 stars
2/27/02 Bertha Venation As obvious as the sky, as much fun as a traffic jam 1 stars
2/22/02 David A. Very stylish slasher movie--just good fun with a sadomasochistic undercurrent! 5 stars
1/15/02 Gary Inevitably poor, but a little less predictable than expected, and trashy in a watchable way 2 stars
1/12/02 rb this movie was so good 5 stars
1/04/02 Matthew Best film in the world! Marley and Denise rule! 5 stars
1/01/02 Veronica I enjoyed it, very scary and worth my money! 4 stars
12/12/01 ben wasden Valentine scares well. 5 stars
11/11/01 Kenneth E. Carper A Denise Richards movie where we dont get to see her tittys isnt worth MY FUCKIN MONEY!!!!! 1 stars
8/23/01 Stonedog Keeps the genre alive post-Scream 3 and effectively, if not plausibly 4 stars
8/20/01 The Bomb 69 ugh!!! ending kept it from one star 2 stars
8/06/01 Josh Interesting departure from the Scream-esq slashers of the 90's.Better than most have stated 5 stars
7/30/01 Basil Typical teen slasher flick. 3 stars
7/22/01 Britnay Why does every horror movie have a huge party where the end finaly comes out&whoISda killer 3 stars
7/08/01 Roy Smith My friend Mike and I saw this and we both thought it was a piece of shite! 1 stars
6/05/01 Peter Brook This is Scream part 56, and it sucks even more than the original 1 stars
5/15/01 Dissapointed Even a nude scene with marley shelton wouldn't save this shocker. Rating 1 is a compliment 1 stars
5/04/01 Jessica Kumar It was good but not as good as Scream 3 4 stars
4/19/01 Stephen Booth They took a halfway crappy horror script and extract every trace of plot and tension. 1 stars
4/18/01 Tam The teen slasher-pic genre has been done to death. At least Scream did it with style. 2 stars
4/07/01 Chris show us their ass 1 stars
4/01/01 Jesse L Katherine Heigl is SUCH a fox....otherwise the movie blows 4 stars
3/06/01 paula it sucked 1 stars
3/01/01 It sucked balls Survival Horror games like Resident Evil are scarier than any dumb teen horror movie. 1 stars
2/24/01 ANGEL Valentine is a movie that will keep you on the edge of your set. 4 stars
2/24/01 Christy Old! It's all been done time and time again. What a pitiful attempt at a horror film. 2 stars
2/22/01 Thrillhouse Go see Hannibal instead of that bullshit 1 stars
2/20/01 palmreader The scariest part of this movie was the ticket price. 1 stars
2/11/01 john d(THE DUDE) A pile of SHIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT! 1 stars
2/10/01 KyLe*BrOfLoVsKi I'd rather be fucked in the ass with a steak knife than watch this tripe again!!! 1 stars
2/07/01 Vanessa Henderson Valentine was awesome!!! 5 stars
2/07/01 bob reinhart great shocking ending 5 stars
2/06/01 Nelly It was reminiscent of Halloween. Things jumped from the dark and a twist ending! 5 stars
2/06/01 Mike The best of the movie can be seen in the previews, it had its moments but I think it needed 3 stars
2/06/01 TimmyTomorrow Any movie with that guy from Angel rewlz! 5 stars
2/06/01 Obi Wan Even Denise Richards and the bad guy winning couldn't save this heap...lucky I didn't pay!! 2 stars
2/06/01 John Lyons Sucks. Childish. Shouldn't have killed K. Heigl so soon. 1 stars
2/04/01 Triumph, the Insult Comic This movie was perfect..FOR ME TO POOP ON! 2 stars
2/04/01 Stuntman what the hell was that? and who comes up with this godforsaken garbage? 1 stars
2/02/01 Nose Bleed Since Angel is essentially the only male in the cast...the "twist" ending stands to reason 4 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  02-Feb-2001 (R)

UK
  N/A

Australia
  17-May-2001 (M)




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