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Overall Rating
2.12

Awesome: 12.8%
Worth A Look: 8%
Just Average: 12%
Pretty Crappy: 12.8%
Sucks54.4%

8 reviews, 77 user ratings


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Valentine
[AllPosters.com] Buy posters from this movie
by Paulapalooza

"Director Blanks nuts another cinematic stillborn"
1 stars

It's all-too-easy to make thin attempts at humor utilizing the name of director Jamie "Shooting" Blanks. I, however, have no qualms about doing so since I just sat through the tedious, uninspired, and overall just plain dull excuse for a horror thriller, VALENTINE.

Let me resort to monosyllabic grunting, as it requires about as much thought as the filmmakers did in piecing this thing together. Ugh. Ick. Bleah.

Blanks, previously known for the also tedious, uninspired, and overall just plain dull URBAN LEGEND, has essentially made the same film with VALENTINE, only more so. Whereas UL had at least a decent gimmick, VALENTINE treats us to a Carrie-lite episode involving a geek being rejected and then beaten by his sixth grade peers. Years later, the callous, shallow girls who only wanted to be popular at the dance and who have grown to be callous, shallow hotties begin to die horribly after receiving doomsaying valentines in their mail.

Oh yeah, and the killer wears a silly-ass cherub mask.

I'll admit a fondness for the horror film in general and the slasher sub-genre in particular, but only when the rote story is amped up with nice production design or delivers genuine cheap scares. VALENTINE not only delivers nothing remotely approaching those points, it doesn't even include the gratuitous nude shot. The characters are flat and uninteresting (Katherine Heigl seems to be the only likeable player in the drama, and she's torched in the opening 15, so perhaps she's appealing because she had the sense to get out early), their stories and motivations hamfisted, the cimematography murky and cheap-looking, and the set-pieces sorely lacking in fright. No one expects blatant originality, but maybe an occasional flare of wit or passion or logic would have been appreciated. Not one damn thing works at even the most basic level (the David Boreanaz 'He's no Angel' crack is wince-worthy, for example), and by the time the Shocking Identity Of The Killer is revealed, followed by the Twist Ending Revelation, you'll be too busy being asleep to worry or care.

As it is, this movie exists pretty much only for the Denise Richards swimsuit-shot completists. And anyone who has neither seen nor heard of Halloween and Friday the Thirteenth.

There aren't enough negative adjectives to describe it.

Jamie Blanks is exhibiting the career trajectory of the space shuttle Challenger. Stop him before he films again!

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=4717&reviewer=21
originally posted: 02/02/01 22:02:38
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User Comments

2/13/17 morris campbell ok the last shot was cool though 2 stars
10/25/09 Leo Cupid Michael Myers87 I loved this horror movie, also loved the creepy Cupid Rubber Mask. Make Sequels 5 stars
5/26/09 mr.mike Pretty decent time-killer , Richards was hot. 3 stars
9/02/08 Shaun Wallner Interesting storyline. 4 stars
11/17/07 David Pollastrini good gore! 4 stars
8/13/06 Sharon If david boreanaz wasnt in this movie it would prolly self destruct! 1 stars
8/08/06 Doreen It was ok, didn't care a lot for it. It could've been better! 3 stars
2/15/05 American Slasher Goddess Bland and generic crap 1 stars
11/03/04 freddy krugar how can u luvthis shit and hate mine 1 stars
8/06/04 Anthony G fucking halloween ripoff 1 stars
7/27/04 Mike Devans Horrible 1 stars
7/27/04 Jack Sommersby Well-photographed but inert and listless and boring. 1 stars
7/26/04 Bob Morrow Crap 1 stars
3/13/04 Paul Carone BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 1 stars
3/10/04 Colin Dumbe, Stupid And Incredibly Pointless, Jaimie "Shooting" Blanks Indeed 1 stars
3/01/04 blue really went nowhere 3 stars
2/15/04 homer i have more fun whacking off to a sears catalog 1 stars
2/03/04 Chad Foster Go Denise 5 stars
1/03/04 Mariah I love the movie,David rocks! 5 stars
1/01/04 Katie Boring! 1 stars
1/01/04 HELLOWEEN I just wish Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees went there and kicked the cupid's ass 1 stars
12/11/03 Doofus one of the worst horror movies ever, they should'nt even call this horror! 1 stars
11/24/03 Thiago I thought Valentine was good. Not really original, but still ok 4 stars
9/30/03 Jake Makes A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge Look Like High Art 1 stars
9/17/03 Samuel Justus Story ok, but acting was not! 3 stars
9/02/03 Charles Tatum When did we time warp back to 1982? 1 stars
6/14/03 Alice I loved it. Good humor, WAX IT ! Denise is great in this one. 5 stars
3/30/03 Paul Coleman Not even Denise Richards could save this DOG. Really awful. 1 stars
1/01/03 Chowie um, yeah, right..... 2 stars
8/16/02 scott great 5 stars
6/30/02 Vitality1 Only watching David B. made this movie worth it 3 stars
5/18/02 Sin hahaha... Yuna from Final Fantasy X dies in this movie. Serious! 2 stars
5/15/02 The Velcro Warlock Refreshing slasher variation. Veronica F, there's no such word as fuckwad! 4 stars
5/14/02 Blake This movie was really scary 5 stars
4/29/02 CAT don't know like this film, unscary and boring, not even David B could make it good 2 stars
4/25/02 NWO4LIFE Good beginning and ending, but dull inbetween. 3 stars
3/11/02 Crisa S The chickz in this film is the onli thing worth looking at...... MMMMM denise richards.... 5 stars
3/05/02 Veronica Foxx aka The Raven-Haired Temptress I wish Cupid's arrow would puncture the hearts of these fuckwads and kill them all! 1 stars
2/27/02 Bertha Venation As obvious as the sky, as much fun as a traffic jam 1 stars
2/22/02 David A. Very stylish slasher movie--just good fun with a sadomasochistic undercurrent! 5 stars
1/15/02 Gary Inevitably poor, but a little less predictable than expected, and trashy in a watchable way 2 stars
1/12/02 rb this movie was so good 5 stars
1/04/02 Matthew Best film in the world! Marley and Denise rule! 5 stars
1/01/02 Veronica I enjoyed it, very scary and worth my money! 4 stars
12/12/01 ben wasden Valentine scares well. 5 stars
11/11/01 Kenneth E. Carper A Denise Richards movie where we dont get to see her tittys isnt worth MY FUCKIN MONEY!!!!! 1 stars
8/23/01 Stonedog Keeps the genre alive post-Scream 3 and effectively, if not plausibly 4 stars
8/20/01 The Bomb 69 ugh!!! ending kept it from one star 2 stars
8/06/01 Josh Interesting departure from the Scream-esq slashers of the 90's.Better than most have stated 5 stars
7/30/01 Basil Typical teen slasher flick. 3 stars
7/22/01 Britnay Why does every horror movie have a huge party where the end finaly comes out&whoISda killer 3 stars
7/08/01 Roy Smith My friend Mike and I saw this and we both thought it was a piece of shite! 1 stars
6/05/01 Peter Brook This is Scream part 56, and it sucks even more than the original 1 stars
5/15/01 Dissapointed Even a nude scene with marley shelton wouldn't save this shocker. Rating 1 is a compliment 1 stars
5/04/01 Jessica Kumar It was good but not as good as Scream 3 4 stars
4/19/01 Stephen Booth They took a halfway crappy horror script and extract every trace of plot and tension. 1 stars
4/18/01 Tam The teen slasher-pic genre has been done to death. At least Scream did it with style. 2 stars
4/07/01 Chris show us their ass 1 stars
4/01/01 Jesse L Katherine Heigl is SUCH a fox....otherwise the movie blows 4 stars
3/06/01 paula it sucked 1 stars
3/01/01 It sucked balls Survival Horror games like Resident Evil are scarier than any dumb teen horror movie. 1 stars
2/24/01 ANGEL Valentine is a movie that will keep you on the edge of your set. 4 stars
2/24/01 Christy Old! It's all been done time and time again. What a pitiful attempt at a horror film. 2 stars
2/22/01 Thrillhouse Go see Hannibal instead of that bullshit 1 stars
2/20/01 palmreader The scariest part of this movie was the ticket price. 1 stars
2/11/01 john d(THE DUDE) A pile of SHIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT! 1 stars
2/10/01 KyLe*BrOfLoVsKi I'd rather be fucked in the ass with a steak knife than watch this tripe again!!! 1 stars
2/07/01 Vanessa Henderson Valentine was awesome!!! 5 stars
2/07/01 bob reinhart great shocking ending 5 stars
2/06/01 Nelly It was reminiscent of Halloween. Things jumped from the dark and a twist ending! 5 stars
2/06/01 Mike The best of the movie can be seen in the previews, it had its moments but I think it needed 3 stars
2/06/01 TimmyTomorrow Any movie with that guy from Angel rewlz! 5 stars
2/06/01 Obi Wan Even Denise Richards and the bad guy winning couldn't save this heap...lucky I didn't pay!! 2 stars
2/06/01 John Lyons Sucks. Childish. Shouldn't have killed K. Heigl so soon. 1 stars
2/04/01 Triumph, the Insult Comic This movie was perfect..FOR ME TO POOP ON! 2 stars
2/04/01 Stuntman what the hell was that? and who comes up with this godforsaken garbage? 1 stars
2/02/01 Nose Bleed Since Angel is essentially the only male in the cast...the "twist" ending stands to reason 4 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  02-Feb-2001 (R)

UK
  N/A

Australia
  17-May-2001 (M)




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