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Overall Rating
2.12

Awesome: 12.8%
Worth A Look: 8%
Just Average: 12%
Pretty Crappy: 12.8%
Sucks54.4%

8 reviews, 77 user ratings


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Valentine
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by EricDSnider

"Can a film expect to be taken seriously when the killer wears a mask?"
2 stars

Valentine's Day is a holiday that inspires romantic feelings in some, feelings of bitterness and hostility in others. A film exploiting both sides of it to horrific effect could be really good. "Valentine," however, is just a slasher movie.

Can a film being released in 2001 really expect to be taken seriously when its killer wears a mask? After the "Friday the 13th" movies overdid them and the "Scream" movies mocked them, you'd think a filmmaker with any kind of savvy would know better.

But the killer in "Valentine," whom we are led to understand is a former grade-school nerd seeking revenge on the girls who were once cruel to him, wears a mask. It's a cherubic Cupid mask -- creepy, sure, and he even uses a bow and arrow once -- but no self-respecting psycho would wear a mask nowadays.

Speaking of psycho, a shower scene -- that other slasher-movie cliché -- is here, too, also without irony. In this day and age, it would be hard to come up with any new ideas for teen horror flicks, and director Jamie Blanks ("Urban Legend"), working from a script that took four people to write, only occasionally even tries.

A potential victim hides in a morgue full of body bags, leaving the killer no choice but to slash each one until he hits the jackpot; I admit to finding that idea fairly original, even if the result is the same. But after that, it's a lot of pointless romances -- justified because of the film's Valentine's Day theme -- and standard don't-go-in-the-basement scenarios.

Set in San Francisco, the film follows four 20-ish women who are allegedly friends but who go for long periods of time without seeing each other and who don't notice when one of their fellows disappears for several days. (This is not a dynamic of their friendship; it's a series of plot conveniences.) We meet them first at the funeral of the aforementioned morgue worker, who was also a friend of theirs. Before she was pre-posthumously autopsied, she received a weird valentine, and soon the survivors are getting them, too.

The valentines say morbidly funny things like, "Roses are red, violets are blue/They'll need dental records to identify you," and the girls are freaked out but not, as yet, murdered.

The valentines are signed "JM," and the girls figure it might be Jeremy Melton, the skinny kid they all spurned in junior high. Jeremy has disappeared, with no recent photographs, so no one knows what he looks like now. (His parents died "in a fire," which is how most movie orphans' parents died.) With the help of a lecherous detective (Fulvio Cecere), they realize that any of their current boyfriends or acquaintances could actually be Jeremy, cleaned up and bulked out.

From there it's rote, with nary a twist, though the revelation of the killer's identity is sort of fun if you think about it. The characters range from Denise Richards's saucy whore to Jessica Capshaw's plump nice girl. Richards is leering and awful; Capshaw is actually pretty good; Jessica Cauffiel and Katherine Heigl as the other two women are somewhere in between. David Boreanaz (from TV's "Angel") is serviceable as the boyfriend of one of the girls.

Very little of what anyone does or says rings true to life (one woman takes her recovering-alcoholic boyfriend to a bar, and the detective shows not a hint of sympathy while questioning the friends at the funeral), but some of it is entertaining. The film occasionally manages to be clever and suspenseful. We've been needing a good Valentine's Day horror movie. This isn't it, but it's a start.

We've been needing a good Valentine's Day horror movie. This isn't it, but it's a start.

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=4717&reviewer=247
originally posted: 02/04/01 23:23:24
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User Comments

2/13/17 morris campbell ok the last shot was cool though 2 stars
10/25/09 Leo Cupid Michael Myers87 I loved this horror movie, also loved the creepy Cupid Rubber Mask. Make Sequels 5 stars
5/26/09 mr.mike Pretty decent time-killer , Richards was hot. 3 stars
9/02/08 Shaun Wallner Interesting storyline. 4 stars
11/17/07 David Pollastrini good gore! 4 stars
8/13/06 Sharon If david boreanaz wasnt in this movie it would prolly self destruct! 1 stars
8/08/06 Doreen It was ok, didn't care a lot for it. It could've been better! 3 stars
2/15/05 American Slasher Goddess Bland and generic crap 1 stars
11/03/04 freddy krugar how can u luvthis shit and hate mine 1 stars
8/06/04 Anthony G fucking halloween ripoff 1 stars
7/27/04 Mike Devans Horrible 1 stars
7/27/04 Jack Sommersby Well-photographed but inert and listless and boring. 1 stars
7/26/04 Bob Morrow Crap 1 stars
3/13/04 Paul Carone BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 1 stars
3/10/04 Colin Dumbe, Stupid And Incredibly Pointless, Jaimie "Shooting" Blanks Indeed 1 stars
3/01/04 blue really went nowhere 3 stars
2/15/04 homer i have more fun whacking off to a sears catalog 1 stars
2/03/04 Chad Foster Go Denise 5 stars
1/03/04 Mariah I love the movie,David rocks! 5 stars
1/01/04 Katie Boring! 1 stars
1/01/04 HELLOWEEN I just wish Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees went there and kicked the cupid's ass 1 stars
12/11/03 Doofus one of the worst horror movies ever, they should'nt even call this horror! 1 stars
11/24/03 Thiago I thought Valentine was good. Not really original, but still ok 4 stars
9/30/03 Jake Makes A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge Look Like High Art 1 stars
9/17/03 Samuel Justus Story ok, but acting was not! 3 stars
9/02/03 Charles Tatum When did we time warp back to 1982? 1 stars
6/14/03 Alice I loved it. Good humor, WAX IT ! Denise is great in this one. 5 stars
3/30/03 Paul Coleman Not even Denise Richards could save this DOG. Really awful. 1 stars
1/01/03 Chowie um, yeah, right..... 2 stars
8/16/02 scott great 5 stars
6/30/02 Vitality1 Only watching David B. made this movie worth it 3 stars
5/18/02 Sin hahaha... Yuna from Final Fantasy X dies in this movie. Serious! 2 stars
5/15/02 The Velcro Warlock Refreshing slasher variation. Veronica F, there's no such word as fuckwad! 4 stars
5/14/02 Blake This movie was really scary 5 stars
4/29/02 CAT don't know like this film, unscary and boring, not even David B could make it good 2 stars
4/25/02 NWO4LIFE Good beginning and ending, but dull inbetween. 3 stars
3/11/02 Crisa S The chickz in this film is the onli thing worth looking at...... MMMMM denise richards.... 5 stars
3/05/02 Veronica Foxx aka The Raven-Haired Temptress I wish Cupid's arrow would puncture the hearts of these fuckwads and kill them all! 1 stars
2/27/02 Bertha Venation As obvious as the sky, as much fun as a traffic jam 1 stars
2/22/02 David A. Very stylish slasher movie--just good fun with a sadomasochistic undercurrent! 5 stars
1/15/02 Gary Inevitably poor, but a little less predictable than expected, and trashy in a watchable way 2 stars
1/12/02 rb this movie was so good 5 stars
1/04/02 Matthew Best film in the world! Marley and Denise rule! 5 stars
1/01/02 Veronica I enjoyed it, very scary and worth my money! 4 stars
12/12/01 ben wasden Valentine scares well. 5 stars
11/11/01 Kenneth E. Carper A Denise Richards movie where we dont get to see her tittys isnt worth MY FUCKIN MONEY!!!!! 1 stars
8/23/01 Stonedog Keeps the genre alive post-Scream 3 and effectively, if not plausibly 4 stars
8/20/01 The Bomb 69 ugh!!! ending kept it from one star 2 stars
8/06/01 Josh Interesting departure from the Scream-esq slashers of the 90's.Better than most have stated 5 stars
7/30/01 Basil Typical teen slasher flick. 3 stars
7/22/01 Britnay Why does every horror movie have a huge party where the end finaly comes out&whoISda killer 3 stars
7/08/01 Roy Smith My friend Mike and I saw this and we both thought it was a piece of shite! 1 stars
6/05/01 Peter Brook This is Scream part 56, and it sucks even more than the original 1 stars
5/15/01 Dissapointed Even a nude scene with marley shelton wouldn't save this shocker. Rating 1 is a compliment 1 stars
5/04/01 Jessica Kumar It was good but not as good as Scream 3 4 stars
4/19/01 Stephen Booth They took a halfway crappy horror script and extract every trace of plot and tension. 1 stars
4/18/01 Tam The teen slasher-pic genre has been done to death. At least Scream did it with style. 2 stars
4/07/01 Chris show us their ass 1 stars
4/01/01 Jesse L Katherine Heigl is SUCH a fox....otherwise the movie blows 4 stars
3/06/01 paula it sucked 1 stars
3/01/01 It sucked balls Survival Horror games like Resident Evil are scarier than any dumb teen horror movie. 1 stars
2/24/01 ANGEL Valentine is a movie that will keep you on the edge of your set. 4 stars
2/24/01 Christy Old! It's all been done time and time again. What a pitiful attempt at a horror film. 2 stars
2/22/01 Thrillhouse Go see Hannibal instead of that bullshit 1 stars
2/20/01 palmreader The scariest part of this movie was the ticket price. 1 stars
2/11/01 john d(THE DUDE) A pile of SHIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT! 1 stars
2/10/01 KyLe*BrOfLoVsKi I'd rather be fucked in the ass with a steak knife than watch this tripe again!!! 1 stars
2/07/01 Vanessa Henderson Valentine was awesome!!! 5 stars
2/07/01 bob reinhart great shocking ending 5 stars
2/06/01 Nelly It was reminiscent of Halloween. Things jumped from the dark and a twist ending! 5 stars
2/06/01 Mike The best of the movie can be seen in the previews, it had its moments but I think it needed 3 stars
2/06/01 TimmyTomorrow Any movie with that guy from Angel rewlz! 5 stars
2/06/01 Obi Wan Even Denise Richards and the bad guy winning couldn't save this heap...lucky I didn't pay!! 2 stars
2/06/01 John Lyons Sucks. Childish. Shouldn't have killed K. Heigl so soon. 1 stars
2/04/01 Triumph, the Insult Comic This movie was perfect..FOR ME TO POOP ON! 2 stars
2/04/01 Stuntman what the hell was that? and who comes up with this godforsaken garbage? 1 stars
2/02/01 Nose Bleed Since Angel is essentially the only male in the cast...the "twist" ending stands to reason 4 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  02-Feb-2001 (R)

UK
  N/A

Australia
  17-May-2001 (M)




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