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Overall Rating
2.12

Awesome: 12.8%
Worth A Look: 8%
Just Average: 12%
Pretty Crappy: 12.8%
Sucks54.4%

8 reviews, 77 user ratings


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Valentine
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by MP Bartley

"Shouldn't Horror Movies Be, Well, Horrific?"
1 stars

Jamie Kennedy got the rules wrong when he detailed the rules of a horror film in 'Scream'. The first one should be "Rule Number One: They should be SCARY". 'Valentine' would do well to remember that.

So a bunch of girls all reject the same boy at a junior school dance, so ten years down the line he dons a cupid mask and returns to kill them all. Okaaay....

Now, I asked a girl out when I was about 12 and she turned me down. Did I turn into a vengeful killer determined to hunt her down years later? No I did not. I just stayed in my room for about a month and wrote a lot of bad poetry.

"Ah, but you're not psychotic are you?" I can hear you say. No I'm not, but if I was I wouldn't need a stupid spurious reason to go and kill people. I'd just go and hack them to pieces, cos, you know, that's what psycho's do. And certainly wouldn't waste my time sending them spooky cards with spooky messages attatched warning them they're about to die (where is that section in the card shops by the way? Is 'You're going to Die' inbetween 'Happy Anniversary' and 'Sorry You're Leaving'?)

And I also wouldn't waste time sending them maggot-filled chocolates (how do you get live maggots into perfectly formed chocolates by the way? Wouldn't the hot chocolate kill them? Couldn't they eat their way out? I guess they're well trained maggots).

Like I say, I'd just kill them. Wasn't Michael Myers so much scarier because he had no elaborate plan, because he just hacked his way through anyone without ever thinking if it looked cool?

Basically this movie makes no sense. The 'killer's' name is known from the start so we know that that this guy isn't going to be the killer after all, cos otherwise why would he hide underneath a mask, right? Red herrings are dropped in for literally 30 seconds, then disappear and we're still supposed to suspect them. People get murdered in other peoples apartments but are never commented upon days later. A full party disappears and turns into a haunted house ride in a matter of seconds. The killers nose bleeds every time time he strikes. Ohh, stylish! And it's even got a they're the killer-oh no they're not-oh yes they are and you're still in danger ending.

And have you ever noticed in the movies detectives only ever ask friends of the deceased questions at the funerals?

I could go on and on about jump scares, pov shots, aspect ratios and themes of understanding and bullying but that would be a pretentious review, giving 'Valentine' far more effort than it deserves. Put simply, it's trash and not even scary trash.

link directly to this review at http://www.hollywoodbitchslap.com/review.php?movie=4717&reviewer=293
originally posted: 07/26/04 12:12:01
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User Comments

2/13/17 morris campbell ok the last shot was cool though 2 stars
10/25/09 Leo Cupid Michael Myers87 I loved this horror movie, also loved the creepy Cupid Rubber Mask. Make Sequels 5 stars
5/26/09 mr.mike Pretty decent time-killer , Richards was hot. 3 stars
9/02/08 Shaun Wallner Interesting storyline. 4 stars
11/17/07 David Pollastrini good gore! 4 stars
8/13/06 Sharon If david boreanaz wasnt in this movie it would prolly self destruct! 1 stars
8/08/06 Doreen It was ok, didn't care a lot for it. It could've been better! 3 stars
2/15/05 American Slasher Goddess Bland and generic crap 1 stars
11/03/04 freddy krugar how can u luvthis shit and hate mine 1 stars
8/06/04 Anthony G fucking halloween ripoff 1 stars
7/27/04 Mike Devans Horrible 1 stars
7/27/04 Jack Sommersby Well-photographed but inert and listless and boring. 1 stars
7/26/04 Bob Morrow Crap 1 stars
3/13/04 Paul Carone BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 1 stars
3/10/04 Colin Dumbe, Stupid And Incredibly Pointless, Jaimie "Shooting" Blanks Indeed 1 stars
3/01/04 blue really went nowhere 3 stars
2/15/04 homer i have more fun whacking off to a sears catalog 1 stars
2/03/04 Chad Foster Go Denise 5 stars
1/03/04 Mariah I love the movie,David rocks! 5 stars
1/01/04 Katie Boring! 1 stars
1/01/04 HELLOWEEN I just wish Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees went there and kicked the cupid's ass 1 stars
12/11/03 Doofus one of the worst horror movies ever, they should'nt even call this horror! 1 stars
11/24/03 Thiago I thought Valentine was good. Not really original, but still ok 4 stars
9/30/03 Jake Makes A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge Look Like High Art 1 stars
9/17/03 Samuel Justus Story ok, but acting was not! 3 stars
9/02/03 Charles Tatum When did we time warp back to 1982? 1 stars
6/14/03 Alice I loved it. Good humor, WAX IT ! Denise is great in this one. 5 stars
3/30/03 Paul Coleman Not even Denise Richards could save this DOG. Really awful. 1 stars
1/01/03 Chowie um, yeah, right..... 2 stars
8/16/02 scott great 5 stars
6/30/02 Vitality1 Only watching David B. made this movie worth it 3 stars
5/18/02 Sin hahaha... Yuna from Final Fantasy X dies in this movie. Serious! 2 stars
5/15/02 The Velcro Warlock Refreshing slasher variation. Veronica F, there's no such word as fuckwad! 4 stars
5/14/02 Blake This movie was really scary 5 stars
4/29/02 CAT don't know like this film, unscary and boring, not even David B could make it good 2 stars
4/25/02 NWO4LIFE Good beginning and ending, but dull inbetween. 3 stars
3/11/02 Crisa S The chickz in this film is the onli thing worth looking at...... MMMMM denise richards.... 5 stars
3/05/02 Veronica Foxx aka The Raven-Haired Temptress I wish Cupid's arrow would puncture the hearts of these fuckwads and kill them all! 1 stars
2/27/02 Bertha Venation As obvious as the sky, as much fun as a traffic jam 1 stars
2/22/02 David A. Very stylish slasher movie--just good fun with a sadomasochistic undercurrent! 5 stars
1/15/02 Gary Inevitably poor, but a little less predictable than expected, and trashy in a watchable way 2 stars
1/12/02 rb this movie was so good 5 stars
1/04/02 Matthew Best film in the world! Marley and Denise rule! 5 stars
1/01/02 Veronica I enjoyed it, very scary and worth my money! 4 stars
12/12/01 ben wasden Valentine scares well. 5 stars
11/11/01 Kenneth E. Carper A Denise Richards movie where we dont get to see her tittys isnt worth MY FUCKIN MONEY!!!!! 1 stars
8/23/01 Stonedog Keeps the genre alive post-Scream 3 and effectively, if not plausibly 4 stars
8/20/01 The Bomb 69 ugh!!! ending kept it from one star 2 stars
8/06/01 Josh Interesting departure from the Scream-esq slashers of the 90's.Better than most have stated 5 stars
7/30/01 Basil Typical teen slasher flick. 3 stars
7/22/01 Britnay Why does every horror movie have a huge party where the end finaly comes out&whoISda killer 3 stars
7/08/01 Roy Smith My friend Mike and I saw this and we both thought it was a piece of shite! 1 stars
6/05/01 Peter Brook This is Scream part 56, and it sucks even more than the original 1 stars
5/15/01 Dissapointed Even a nude scene with marley shelton wouldn't save this shocker. Rating 1 is a compliment 1 stars
5/04/01 Jessica Kumar It was good but not as good as Scream 3 4 stars
4/19/01 Stephen Booth They took a halfway crappy horror script and extract every trace of plot and tension. 1 stars
4/18/01 Tam The teen slasher-pic genre has been done to death. At least Scream did it with style. 2 stars
4/07/01 Chris show us their ass 1 stars
4/01/01 Jesse L Katherine Heigl is SUCH a fox....otherwise the movie blows 4 stars
3/06/01 paula it sucked 1 stars
3/01/01 It sucked balls Survival Horror games like Resident Evil are scarier than any dumb teen horror movie. 1 stars
2/24/01 ANGEL Valentine is a movie that will keep you on the edge of your set. 4 stars
2/24/01 Christy Old! It's all been done time and time again. What a pitiful attempt at a horror film. 2 stars
2/22/01 Thrillhouse Go see Hannibal instead of that bullshit 1 stars
2/20/01 palmreader The scariest part of this movie was the ticket price. 1 stars
2/11/01 john d(THE DUDE) A pile of SHIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT! 1 stars
2/10/01 KyLe*BrOfLoVsKi I'd rather be fucked in the ass with a steak knife than watch this tripe again!!! 1 stars
2/07/01 Vanessa Henderson Valentine was awesome!!! 5 stars
2/07/01 bob reinhart great shocking ending 5 stars
2/06/01 Nelly It was reminiscent of Halloween. Things jumped from the dark and a twist ending! 5 stars
2/06/01 Mike The best of the movie can be seen in the previews, it had its moments but I think it needed 3 stars
2/06/01 TimmyTomorrow Any movie with that guy from Angel rewlz! 5 stars
2/06/01 Obi Wan Even Denise Richards and the bad guy winning couldn't save this heap...lucky I didn't pay!! 2 stars
2/06/01 John Lyons Sucks. Childish. Shouldn't have killed K. Heigl so soon. 1 stars
2/04/01 Triumph, the Insult Comic This movie was perfect..FOR ME TO POOP ON! 2 stars
2/04/01 Stuntman what the hell was that? and who comes up with this godforsaken garbage? 1 stars
2/02/01 Nose Bleed Since Angel is essentially the only male in the cast...the "twist" ending stands to reason 4 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  02-Feb-2001 (R)

UK
  N/A

Australia
  17-May-2001 (M)




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