Jamie Kennedy got the rules wrong when he detailed the rules of a horror film in 'Scream'. The first one should be "Rule Number One: They should be SCARY". 'Valentine' would do well to remember that.So a bunch of girls all reject the same boy at a junior school dance, so ten years down the line he dons a cupid mask and returns to kill them all. Okaaay....
Now, I asked a girl out when I was about 12 and she turned me down. Did I turn into a vengeful killer determined to hunt her down years later? No I did not. I just stayed in my room for about a month and wrote a lot of bad poetry.
"Ah, but you're not psychotic are you?" I can hear you say. No I'm not, but if I was I wouldn't need a stupid spurious reason to go and kill people. I'd just go and hack them to pieces, cos, you know, that's what psycho's do. And certainly wouldn't waste my time sending them spooky cards with spooky messages attatched warning them they're about to die (where is that section in the card shops by the way? Is 'You're going to Die' inbetween 'Happy Anniversary' and 'Sorry You're Leaving'?)
And I also wouldn't waste time sending them maggot-filled chocolates (how do you get live maggots into perfectly formed chocolates by the way? Wouldn't the hot chocolate kill them? Couldn't they eat their way out? I guess they're well trained maggots).
Like I say, I'd just kill them. Wasn't Michael Myers so much scarier because he had no elaborate plan, because he just hacked his way through anyone without ever thinking if it looked cool?
Basically this movie makes no sense. The 'killer's' name is known from the start so we know that that this guy isn't going to be the killer after all, cos otherwise why would he hide underneath a mask, right? Red herrings are dropped in for literally 30 seconds, then disappear and we're still supposed to suspect them. People get murdered in other peoples apartments but are never commented upon days later. A full party disappears and turns into a haunted house ride in a matter of seconds. The killers nose bleeds every time time he strikes. Ohh, stylish! And it's even got a they're the killer-oh no they're not-oh yes they are and you're still in danger ending.
And have you ever noticed in the movies detectives only ever ask friends of the deceased questions at the funerals?I could go on and on about jump scares, pov shots, aspect ratios and themes of understanding and bullying but that would be a pretentious review, giving 'Valentine' far more effort than it deserves. Put simply, it's trash and not even scary trash.